Sperm Donor vent!! Kinda long sorry.

Katlyn7082 · December 2013

My ex and split when DD was 10 months old. She's now 3. Well my ex has never really wanted much to deal with her. He gets her 3 days a month per custody papers. When he doesn't have her he doesn't call her or he won't answer the phone when she wants to call him (which is extremely rare). If I call her when he has her he won't let me talk to her. He is thousands of dollars behind in child support. Well my ex has now decided to treat DD even worse he doesn't even spend time with (so she tells me) DD when he has her she either goes to her aunts or stays with his new gf of the week. She is now who I have to deal with I do not care for her at all since she decided to tell me on the phone one day to stop calling my daughter doesn't want me while she was telling me that I heard DD screaming for me in the background. Needless to say after I wa done telling her what was on my mind she gladly handed the phone to my DD while the gf tried to stop crying. He has another son who is 2. He has nothing to do with that kid like has never seen the kid. I just wish he would leave us alone my SO is DDs dad and she will tell anyone that. He would love to legally adopt her but her sperm donor won't let it happen surprise surprise. Grrrrr........ Sorry ladies I just needed someone to vent to. He has my patience wore completely down.

Katiecave · December 2013

Oh man. That's a rough situation. I don't know anything about this- but is there anything you can do about challenging the custody agreement? Especially since he isn't paying the child support he's supposed to?

Katlyn7082 · December 2013

I tried but the child support agent will send a letter and he will make a payment so the agent will leave him alone.

Katlyn7082 · December 2013

Yeah he does. He said that she is his daughter. Last time we talked about it I told him I wouldn't even hold him to the child support he owes (which is around $11,000). He has to be complicated.

bacorrea · December 2013

I'm pretty sure you can press charges for him not paying child support.

Katlyn7082 · December 2013

He is smart about that he will jump from job to job so they can't garnish them.

Katlyn7082 · December 2013

In my state I can't without CSS going through their protocol and by the time that is done he will make a payment.

JoelleOK · December 2013

I'm sorry you and your DD are in this position. Maybe there is an experienced family law lawyer you could talk to who has reasonable fees? Or a legal aid clinic that could talk you through some options? I have close friends who are dealing with an "egg doner" and usually their are options, especially if he's not paying or spending time with her.

Katlyn7082 · December 2013

Thanks. We are in the process of finding a new lawyer. Hopefully we can get some answers.

KendraL86 · December 2013

He's not a sperm donor. He's a shit father. I have many friends who have donor conceived children. The men who donate don't have children and abandon them. Rather, a sperm donor allows a family to be created when one otherwise could not be. Sperm donors being great happiness to the families they help and, in my very humble opinion, is too good of a title for what your ex is. Your ex is just a shit father who has abandoned his child and responsibilities. There is a special place in hell for people like him.

I would use the child support angle of you want your SO to legally adopt your DD. Maybe knowing he's off the hook for support will cause him to let go. Most courts will not allow one parent to voluntarily give up rights until another parent has stepped up. Most won't let your SO adopt. Most courts require it be your spouse.

Sorry your ex is such an ass!

Rrrrrachel · December 2013

Yeah he's an asshole and is definitely he talking to a lawyer. I'm not sure if there's anything to be done, though.

DKGbaby · December 2013

Sometimes you can redo the visitation agreement to require that he be the one caring for her when she is with him. Maybe that would be enough to make him go away or at least force him to be around her. That really sucks. It is so hard to send your daughter somewhere you know isn't healthy. Truly the blessing is that she won't ever have to make up stories about her father in her head one day. She will have the example of what a dad is supposed to look like in your SO and will be able to choose the relationship she has with your ex. In a way I believe it has the potential to be healthier for her in the end.

Yes. This is the life of my daughters too... Sending you prayers for wisdom!

strawberrytree · December 2013

celticlullaby said:

I'd actually use the he's leaving the child unsupervised with an unrelated woman you don't know angle in court, if he's scraping by on child support. You say girlfriend of the week, not a long term SO, right? So she's left with different women? He's not there and one of them is denying you contact with a crying child? I'd ask for supervised visits and see what you can get.

Along these lines...I haven't actually done it myself, only heard from friends who got it in their custody agreements, but there is something called the right of first refusal. Basically it means that if DD's father isn't able to take care of her on his time, then he has to give you the option of taking her first before leaving her with another caregiver (like his random flavour of the week). Maybe you could look into getting the custody agreement changed to include that? I'm sorry you're going through this. Your daughter is lucky she has a model of a stable, caring father in your SO.

Eta: You might already be doing this, but it could be a good idea to document what happens every time he has her. When she is left in the care of someone she barely knows, when that caregiver refuses to allow you to speak to her, when your ex doesn't want to talk to her when she calls, etc. If you do go back to court it could be very helpful to have dates and times documented.

natpirt · December 2013

Call legal aide in your state, they will tell you what your options are. Even with CSS (who I am very familar with) you do have options outside of them. In my state once they are behind two payments license and registration is suspended, a lien on taxes is placed and after several attempts to get caught up (not make a payment) there is a warrant placed for their arrest.

LittleLady77 · December 2013

I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it but the title of this post really pisses me off. You didn't use a sperm donor you hooked up with a piece of shit. They are really two very different things and its not cool to make light of needing a sperm donor. I needed an egg donor and making that decision was the most monumental, painful, horrible experience of my life (and I woke up from a coma with a crippled left hand, so that says a lot).

kwolslager · December 2013

I'm going through the SAME thing, and I took action ::

You have the majority of the custody and he also owes you a crap ton of money... you've got him by the balls. Google search "Child Support Services _____ " (insert the name of your state).. there should be a link to a website for your states Child Support Services, it will give you all the info about what you need to do to get help.. and you DONT need a lawyer to do it! You've lived up your end of the deal by following his visitation rights, but he hasn't done his part. You are in the right, he is in the wrong.

For my state (Illinois) I just had to fill out some paperwork including my information, his information, and the child he pays support for. And include a copy of the child support order signed by a judge. Then I mailed it to the address the site told me to... Within a week I got a call from a case worker who verified my information. It doesn't matter if you still live in the state the support order was made (mine was different), they still enforce it.. and it also doesn't matter if you know where he works or not (it's easier and faster if you do), I had no idea, as he refused to tell me.. But they still tracked him down!

I get a check almost every week with money they take from his checks.. and actually I now get calls from him begging to give up his parental rights because he needs his money and doesn't want to pay.

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Sperm Donor vent!! Kinda long sorry.

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