PgAL Check-in

Noethola · December 2013

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Welcome to PGAL CheckIn!

I hope I find you all well and positive this week! If you have any questions you would like answered, please don't be shy! You can also ask the PAL ladies. Grow little ones, grow!

How far along are you? What size fruit is your baby this week?

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones?

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions?

QOTW: Do you think your fear/anxiety will subside after you pass your "loss milestone" or after the baby is born? Or will it continue even after that? Is there a question you want to ask other loss moms that might be in the back of your mind?

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

Noethola · December 2013

How far along are you? What size fruit is your baby this week? 29 weeks, acorn squash.

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones? Had a good appointment this week. Am starting bi-monthly appointments so my dr can monitor me more closely. He also told me he wanted to see me more right now, because he knew it was close to the year mark and wanted to check on me more as I go through the holidays.

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions? Not really.

QOTW: Do you think your fear/anxiety will subside after you pass your "loss milestone" or after the baby is born? Or will it continue even after that? Is there a question you want to ask other loss moms that might be in the back of your mind?

Perhaps if we knew a reason for her passing and we could prevent it, the fear would be less. But no. I don't see me feeling like everything will be ok past a certain date. We were so close last time. As we get closer, I am getting more anxious. I do not know if it will continue to the same degree after baby comes.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Elsie's angelversary is Sunday. We were going to light paper lanterns, but the snow/rain that came today and is forecasted for Sunday may nix that. We were really looking forward to doing that. So, I am working on a plan B. I can't bring myself to do a "birthday" cake or anything. Our parents and my sis and her family are coming to do whatever we want. Just don't know what that will be.

OSUWifey09 · December 2013

How far along are you? What size fruit is your baby this week? My EDD was changed, so I'm 34 weeks today. FOUR DAYS away from my loss milestone. Gulp. Baby is the size of a butternut squash.

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones? I started twice-weekly NSTs yesterday, so I'll have another one Monday and then next Thursday. I'm so grateful to have those.

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions? Acid reflux is kicking in a little more than before, and I've been nauseous at night the last few days. Standing for too long seriously kills my back, and my pelvis hurts from the baby weight. But I really can't complain...this is the best I've felt with any of my pregnancies.

QOTW: Do you think your fear/anxiety will subside after you pass your "loss milestone" or after the baby is born? Or will it continue even after that? Is there a question you want to ask other loss moms that might be in the back of your mind? Man - I hope so. As I mentioned before, my loss milestone is in four days, so I'm trying not to stress out about it. I've been anxious my entire pregnancy, but I think any PgAL woman is like that...it has gotten easier as I've gotten closer to January, but it's still really hard emotionally and mentally. I'm not sure if the fear of losing my baby will ever go away...I still fear that I will lose DS, who is 5 and was born way before my loss.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I'm anxious because of my EDD move. It's nine days before my EDD based on my LMP, but baby is measuring ahead by those nine days, so my OB and MFM were comfortable going with the new date. I just hope baby gets as much inside baking time as possible, and that I'm truly ready for this. I'm so grateful for the extra monitoring [ultrasounds and NSTs], because it's helping me out a lot.

angelsnight · December 2013

How far along are you? What size fruit is your baby this week? 25 weeks 2 days, a caluliflower

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones? Nope we just passed our major ones, loss milestone at 22:2 and V day last week.

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions? I've been very tired again this week, but I also have a cold so it may be due to that. I have GD, so I crave everything I cannot have, but other than that the cravings haven't been out of this world.

QOTW: Do you think your fear/anxiety will subside after you pass your "loss milestone" or after the baby is born? Or will it continue even after that? Is there a question you want to ask other loss moms that might be in the back of your mind? My fear and stress has lessened a huge amount since passing our milestone. I don't think it will ever go away, sometimes I even get scared of things that didn't happen to me, like the chance that she'll just pass away for no reason, so I sometimes get nervous if I haven't felt her kick in a while. But I think once you're a loss mom, the anxiety will always be there to some extent, and I'm just so thankful we've made it this far and I've had the reduction in stress that I've had, I feel so much better.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Just the worry of balancing my love and grief for Kayla, and my rainbow. Deep down I know I could never ever forget Kayla, she will always be our daughter and our first born. And while either would have been great, I am secretly over the moon to be expecting another girl, but it does sometimes scare me. What if she looks a lot like Kayla? I guess I am afraid that in some ways my rainbow will replace Kayla, at least some of the time. But on the other hand I am also afraid that grieving Kayla for the rest of my life will keep me from truly being happy with our rainbow. I want her to know about and love her sister, but I don't ever want her to feel like she grew up in her shadow, always aware that if her sister were here, she wouldn't be. It's all a very delicate balance.

Bayberry12 · December 2013

Posting from my phone, sorry for any weird formatting.
@Noethola thank you for doing the check in.

How far along are you? What size fruit is your baby this week?
16 weeks today.

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones?
I have an appointment on Monday, just in time to ease my anxiety.

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions?
No symptoms, just a very sensitive gag reflx lol.

QOTW: Do you think your fear/anxiety will subside after you pass your "loss milestone" or after the baby is born? Or will it continue even after that? Is there a question you want to ask other loss moms that might be in the back of your mind?
Sadly, I will never pass my loss milestone of 39w5d. This baby will come out at 37 weeks. And even after that I don't think my anxiety will ever really be gone. After losing a child, it changes everything; I now know how quickly things can go wrong. I have heard people say that parents who have lost a child, love their living children just a little bit more than regular parents. I think that's true.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
Trying to keep it together till my AS in January. I already know this baby is a boy, and I am trying to accept and adjust to the idea of life with a boy.
We still have not told anyone we're pregnant again, and don't really want to. Not any time soon, anyway.

Dixon813 · December 2013

How far along are you? What size fruit is your baby this week?
20w 5d - seriously!??! A banana?
Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones?
Well, yesterday (20 4d) was the time Leah's water broke... My loss milestone, 23w is right around the corner.
My last cervical length scan is scheduled for the 16th (cervix is awesome - in the upper 4cm/lower 5cm range!) and then OB app. on the 28th.
Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions?
Not really. Definitely crave more sweet things than normal.
QOTW: Do you think your fear/anxiety will subside after you pass your "loss milestone" or after the baby is born? Or will it continue even after that? Is there a question you want to ask other loss moms that might be in the back of your mind?

I don't know...I just have a lot of anxiety right now because I was in the hospital from here on out last time. I think I will feel better after I pass my "loss milestone" because then I'll be to 24 weeks, but not sure I'll be able to completely relax until baby is here...
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
We've FINALLY started telling people, and I'm having such a hard time. I still talk myself out of telling people, or get really emotional when I do tell them...

cawettig · December 2013

@Noethola I hope the weather cooperates and you are able to use the lanterns, BIG HUGS for your angelversary today. I am glad you have family coming over to remember her and celebrate her.

How far along are you? What size fruit is your baby this week?

25 weeks & 5 days, I gave up on the fruit, I just don't understand it I guess.

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones?

I have an appointment on Tuesday, we are going to discuss a lot of things then.

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions?

All I want lately is chocolate! I've been really bad this last week with following my GD diet. I have been so depressed that I gave in a lot when I shouldn't have been.

QOTW: Do you think your fear/anxiety will subside after you pass your "loss milestone" or after the baby is born? Or will it continue even after that? Is there a question you want to ask other loss moms that might be in the back of your mind?

I am going to be induced around the time of my loss milestone, 38 weeks. I am not going to be calm until he is in my arms breathing. I do believe that I am going to be overly protective and cautious with this lo. I am already freaking out about the dogs waking him from his sleep and how dh has a fan in the room and that will just not do. So lately I have been on edge with the dogs and trying to figure out the fan issues in the bedroom. All my friends know already that I am going to be the overprotective mom and not let a lot of other people hold him. Ugh I feel like he can just slip away at any moment. I do agree with @Bayberry12 that once you experience the loss of a child you think differently and love your children you have more. I feel like that with my oldest children, since we lost Arianna I hug them longer I spend even more quality time with them. They hear me say how much I love them every day. I don't know if it is more love; perhaps its increased fear that the moments we have with them may slip away at any moment and to make every moment that we have with them special.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I have been struggling with the idea for a baby shower for a while. I didn't know if I could handle the memory of it if we lost this lo. I decided to let people give me one though. I just feel like it will be focused on the true blessing of him being here and showing him already how much he is loved.

Noethola · December 2013

Bayberry12 said:

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? Trying to keep it together till my AS in January. I already know this baby is a boy, and I am trying to accept and adjust to the idea of life with a boy. We still have not told anyone we're pregnant again, and don't really want to. Not any time soon, anyway.

@Bayberry12 Right there with you, having to acclimate yourself to boy. Also, other than work and close family/friends, we still have not told many people. There was never a Facebook announcement or anything. You do it when you are ready, and if you do not find yourself ready, THAT IS OKAY! It doesn't mean you love your little one any less.

Bayberry12 · December 2013

@noethola thanks, it helps to know I'm not the only one with these feelings.

I hope you were able to "celebrate" Elsie's birthday in a special way and were able to honor her in a way that was right for you.

amandager99 · December 2013

First I have to say I've been lurking on the past few check-ins. So happy for all of you and anxiously awaiting my turn to join in. So here I am, excitedly and cautiously doing my first check in

How far along are you? What size fruit is your baby this week?

7w4d - blueberry? This is based on my LMP, but I'm not regular, so we'll see if i get a dating ultrasound

Do you have any upcoming appointments or milestones?

Wednesday I have my first apt

Any pregnancy symptoms or pregnancy cravings or aversions?

Pretty tired, and not a lot of energy. Just a few days ago my version of morning sickness started. Which is pretty much feeling sick all day. It almost feels like I've eaten too much and am going to be sick to my stomach, except I'm not throwing up. At the same time I feel hungry all the time. So I never know what I want. No cravings or aversions yet.

QOTW: Do you think your fear/anxiety will subside after you pass your "loss milestone" or after the baby is born? Or will it continue even after that? Is there a question you want to ask other loss moms that might be in the back of your mind?

I think a new fear/anxiety will set in after our loss milestone. I'm also sure there will be more anxiety after the baby is born, than there would have been before our loss.

Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?

I'm just trying to remain as zen and calm as I can. Too many other things going on right now, and trying to avoid the stress.

Dixon813 · December 2013

mrsgerman said:
Also we still haven't announced and I really don't want to. I feel like as soon as we start telling people that they will completely forget about Joseph and replace him with this new baby, and a lot have forgotten him already. I also feel like by telling people that they will begin the "cancer patient look" again. Like feeling sympathy for me all over again because of what we went through and feeling pity and hoping it works out for us. I just can't stand that type of attention even though I also know they will be really happy for us. I also don't want to publicly go through a loss if it were to happen again. I feel like if it happens twice, people will judge me like I did something wrong to kill 2 babies. The announcing has been really tough. Right now I am ok with not telling anyone because I'm not showing but I don't really have a desire to do so later on, which makes me feel some guilt because I feel this baby should be celebrated. I know that doesn't mean I don't love this baby, but I think I am just much more protective.
I also don't feel like I fit in on my BMB among the other PgAL ladies. They are mostly all so ecstatic to have made it through the 1st tri and I am just staring at them all with really big green jealous eyes because I am no longer that naive.

I've said all of this at some point during this pregnancy, too. Especially about not wanting to tell in fear that others will forget our angels... We're just starting to tell people, and I get a lot of anxiety before I say anything, and have talked myself out of telling. But, just like you said, this baby deserves celebrating. I think it will get easier. I'm only a few weeks ahead of you, but I can say it's gotten a little easier with every week that passes. (I, too, will feel much better after I pass 23 weeks...)

~ Hugs!

Dixon813 · December 2013

amandager99!! Lots of prayers for a healthy pregnancy!!

Noethola · December 2013

Congrats @amandager99! Wishing you a very healthy pregnancy and beyond.

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