Asking for seat on bus/train/metro

addy16 · December 2013

I'll be at 9 weeks on Monday, and every weekend I get stressed thinking about the week ahead and my commute to work! I take a 30 minute train into work and it's always PACKED. I can usually get a seat but a few times the past few weeks I haven't, so I stood the entire time :-( I'm not showing at all yet, so I'd feel awkward asking for one of the seats reserved for pregnant women/handicapped/older people. But OMG sometimes I'm soooo tired! Also, I haven't told work yet, and there might be colleagues I didn't notice nearby . . . So, when do you think it's appropriate to start asking for those special seats? With winter coats, it won't be obvious I'm pregnant until a few more months, and I really don't know how long I can stand the stress of trying to find a seat every morning. Just wondering what people think! I should mention that I live in France, so I don't really expect people to offer me a seat if they see I'm pregnant (not to encourage the bad stereotypes, lol, people are really great here, or I wouldn't still be living here after 6 years! But things like seats on public transport, supermarket lines, etc. are governed by a whole different set of cultural rules here!) Thanks for any thoughts!

junebugjam · December 2013

Personally, I wouldn't. I'm pretty sure when they reserve seats for pregnant women, they don't mean 9 weeks pregnant. Tired is different than handicapped.

V1981 · December 2013

I would wait until your obviously pregnant - Until someone can offer you a seat. If you don't want to stereotype, why encourage us being lazy Americans? Someone may think you're just making it up to sit down.

BoraBoraBaby · December 2013

I understand! 30 mins is a long time when you're tired especially after work. I'd say if you really feel you need to sit then ask. It certainly doesn't make you lazy. Just be careful not to ask another woman who may also be pre-belly pregnant. If you can stand just remember it's good for you to stretch the legs throughout the day too. Maybe you can tell yourself you are getting that chore out of the way, unless your job requires you to be on your feet all day, in which case you really should be sitting any chance you get. My opinion. Good luck! Try not to stress over it. Sounds like it's rarely an issue.

tourqeyes · December 2013

I personally would never ask for a seat no matter how pregnant I am. ::shrug:: I am sure in your third trimester people will offer it up to you though.

nlerno · December 2013

I would 100% ask. But that is just me. It's important to take care of yourself and your baby no matter how far along you are.

cuntasaurusrex · December 2013

I'd buy a car.

runrinserepeat · December 2013

There are plenty of pregnant women (nurses, teachers, etc) who spend all day on their feet. 30 minutes isn't going to hurt you or your baby. I would never ask for a seat. When you're further along I'm sure people will start offering you a seat.

flmomof4 · December 2013

I asked for a seat a few times when I was early with DD and feeling super sick. I asked younger men and just said I was pregnant and feeling sick and asked if they minded if I sat down. Never had a problem. I also asked when I was obviously showing if I wanted to sit and none of the men near me offered. No shame.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

I understand because sometimes if I stand too long while pregnant (not necessarily 1st tri, but 2nd and 3rd tri I had the issue), I'll feel like I'm going to pass out. You can always just fall on top of someone and maybe they'll get the hint and offer?

iris427 · December 2013

tourqeyes said:

I personally would never ask for a seat no matter how pregnant I am. ::shrug:: I am sure in your third trimester people will offer it up to you though.

This.

SuperKim13 · December 2013

iris427 said:

tourqeyes said:

I personally would never ask for a seat no matter how pregnant I am. ::shrug:: I am sure in your third trimester people will offer it up to you though.

This.

Same here. How do you know that the person in said seat doesn't have a disability of their own.

That said, if you're not feeling well, maybe just say something in general like, "I am feeling faint, would anyone mind if I say down?"

allardr · December 2013

tourqeyes said:

I personally would never ask for a seat no matter how pregnant I am. ::shrug:: I am sure in your third trimester people will offer it up to you though.

This is me. I certainly wouldn't ask this early. Everyone WANTS a seat obviously so just scoot into one if it opens.

DSwe · December 2013

I lived in Paris for 3 years, I miss it so much! I was never pregnant there, however, but I remember the public transportation system well and can totally understand how terrible you're feeling while being stuffed in the car like a canned sardine and dealing with ms, fatigue and all else that comes with pregnancy. I guess all I can say is to tough it out. I know it's uncomfortable but it's true what you say about the cultural differences that govern social/public interactions over there. French women are TOUGH (as I'm sure you know) and many are probably putting up with the same discomforts as you. That said, if you don't care what anyone thinks or about garnering untoward sneers, go ahead and ask for that seat! What are the chances you'll end up in the same metro/rer as all those same people again? And after all, you do deserve that seat more than that 30-something businessman (because they always seem to get the seats, right?)

brooklynesque · December 2013

I take the NYC subway every day. I haven't asked for a seat yet, but I would if I truly felt sick or on the verge of passing out. Otherwise I would not.

As for the "just buy a car" comment -- I'm guessing you've never tried driving during rush hour in Paris or New York. I would hate my life if I tried to drive to work. It would take me 2x as long and cost me a a couple hundred bucks in parking a week.

tourqeyes · December 2013

The buy a car comment was said in jest.

yurmom · December 2013

If I was feeling really sick or faint I would ask. When you are obviously showing I would hope people would offer you a seat. I didn't realize that was cultural, just good manners and being a decent human being.

addy16 · December 2013

Thanks for all the responses! When there's something you think about so much in your own head, it really helps sometimes to see what others think of the situation. Different perspectives are always interesting, especially when the only person so far I can talk to about this is my DH, who can only put up with the question "what should I doooo?" so many times!

This is part of bigger social role/public image ideas that have been bouncing around in my head the past week or so, since as a FTM, I know how I act and how people treat me in certain situations will be changing very rapidly, but I have noooo idea what to really expect.

So I went with "when do you think it's appropriate" as a question to see what other people are planning on doing/had done. Definitely not an issue I need to totally figure out right now, just one that seems to be stressing me out the most lately, haha. It's obviously that in between time when I know I am pregnant, but no one else does, so once it becomes obvious to the general public, I kind of want to be mentally prepared with how I want to handle situations like this.

Anyway, thanks again so much for the responses! This forum is giving my poor DH a much needed break today :-)

iris427 · December 2013

I think you're overthinking things. Do what you're comfortable with.

Honestly, besides the occasional "OMG are you having twins??" comment and a free cookie at Panera, people have never treated me all that differently just because I was pregnant. I wouldn't go around expecting any preferential treatment just for being pregnant--if it happens, it's a pleasant surprise, and if it doesn't, then you can just go about your life like you always do.

yurmom · December 2013

iris427 said:

I think you're overthinking things. Do what you're comfortable with.

Honestly, besides the occasional "OMG are you having twins??" comment and a free cookie at Panera, people have never treated me all that differently just because I was pregnant. I wouldn't go around expecting any preferential treatment just for being pregnant--if it happens, it's a pleasant surprise, and if it doesn't, then you can just go about your life like you always do.

I want a cookie....

iris427 · December 2013

dlsexton said:

iris427 said:

I think you're overthinking things. Do what you're comfortable with.

Honestly, besides the occasional "OMG are you having twins??" comment and a free cookie at Panera, people have never treated me all that differently just because I was pregnant. I wouldn't go around expecting any preferential treatment just for being pregnant--if it happens, it's a pleasant surprise, and if it doesn't, then you can just go about your life like you always do.

I want a cookie....

It was pretty much the greatest moment of my life.

AmericanInOz · December 2013

I'd wait until you're big and showing and really do NEED a seat, rather than just tired

I commuted 1 1/2 hours on the tube each way to work for many years in London, and I absolutely would have asked for a seat 1. If I was early on but felt like I was going to pass out - and just mentioned why 2. when I was further along and didn't want to stand because it's uncomfortable for a long period of time but also unsafe to be jostled around while the train is moving

I think often you need to ask, people won't offer up a seat until you are REALLY far along as they wouldn't want to offend in my experience

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