what consequences do you give your two year old?

sunflwr2 · December 2013

shes driving me nuts!!! shes really a good kid so I shouldnt be complaining but lately everything is a battle. im a sahm and feel like I could cry sometimes by the time my dh gets home. the thing im struggling with is what consequences to give her. we are very consistent with her, but what do you take from a two year old? ive tried toys but she doesnt care, same with tv, etc. I swear its like she is proud that she is misbehaving.
please help!

TiffanyBerry · December 2013

fredalina said:

We didn't do external consequences and still don't. We will do natural consequences (i.e. If she refuses to put on a coat, she may be cold) and logical consequences (i.e. If she spills something, she cleans it up...which at that age often meant "helping" her hand to do the cleaning). "When/then" is good too; "when you have finished dinner, then we can watch tv"; IMO it is better and more effective than "eat your dinner or there's no tv", even if the end result is the same consequence.

This. Natural and logical consequences, no anger/punishment.

ncbelle · December 2013

Ditto Fred. Choices are also key for us.

What's a specific situation that you are having issues with?

blu-eyedwife · December 2013

We also do the same as Fred, the situations dictate the consequences. I don't think they're really capable at this age of connecting current action to future punishment (like threats to take away toys or television at a later time.)

CheezeFace · December 2013

I know this is radical but I don't punish. I'm sure I will when he's older and able to grasp the concept but two is just way too young. Natural consequences are best with LO's this age.

For example, we just left a restaurant and he didn't want to put on his jacket because he didn't want to let go of his Hot Wheels. So we walked out the door (mind you, it's not that cold…it's like 25*F so walking to the car won't cause damage) and the first thing he said was "cold". I explained that's why we wear a coat. By the time I put him down by the car to get him in his car seat, he was cooperating to get his jacket on.

Also, I have days when I fee like I'm going to lose it, too. I always feel guilty when I have these days….As if I should have infinite patience or something. My H actually came home early a couple of weeks ago because both DS and I were falling apart. A couple of hours at the gym by myself and I was back to normal. It's OK to be stressed out by your LO's behavior. It's exhausting.

sunflwr2 · December 2013

great advice! the things that seem to be happening lately are 1. nap time. shes a great sleeper, always has been. but with her nap lately she just yells and cries for me. and I mean shes really crying. I can see shes exhausted and needs her nap. but I dont want to give in and take her out while shes crying. dont want her to think crying = no nap. 2. just the normal two year old thing. running away from me at target laughing saying you cant catch me! its very rare she behaves this way and its very short lived. but I dont want it to get worse. and I feel like if I dont discipline her properly now it will get worse. shes clearly testing her boundaries. so I guess im not sure what a natural consequence would be for something like that.
thanks for the advice everyone!!!

ncbelle · December 2013

Well, for nap time it may be that she needs to go down earlier or that she's getting to the stage where she needs to drop her nap. I don't see fighting sleep in any case as something to give a consequence for. Either sit with her while she falls asleep - maybe she just needs some extra snuggle time - or have her do quiet time in her room - and let her do what she does in that time.

On the running away thing - again she's not trying to be "bad" - she's playing! If I'm in a situation where my kids need to stay close, they can either 1. walk and stay close 2. go in the cart or 3. go on my back in the carrier - I give them the choice and they know if they choose to run, up they go! I also involve them in the shopping I'm doing so there's not a chance for them to run off - which is really about getting my attention.

So basically my tactic is changing the situation so that there's not a need for consequences.

HML5382 · December 2013

We started time outs around 2 for certain things, like hitting or something that doesn't have a good natural consequence.

For shopping, I give DD the option to stay with me and walk, or she is buckled in to a stroller/cart.

For naps, I agree with trying to put her down a bit earlier. When we miss the regular nap window for DD she's a bear to get down. But we also got a sleep clock and if she doesn't sleep she has the option to look at books or play with her stuffed animals (she has to stay in bed though) until her clock light goes out, so even if she doesn't actually sleep she knows that throwing a fit won't get her out of nap/quiet time.

I'm struggling with attitude now... that's throwing me for a loop and I have not figured out an effective consequence. But that wasn't really a problem at 2, seems to be one of the new fun 3 year old things

myschlove · December 2013

we do redirection a lot, but we also say "no, we don't ____, lets do this instead"

i just took a course called "love and logic parenting" and it had a lot of wonderful suggestions on responding to bad behavior and ways to "let consequences be the teacher" (i.e., if you don't put your coat on, you will be cold - like PP have mentioned)

one if their suggestions is to give them two positive choices. like:

would you like to go to bed now, or in 5 minutes.... they will almost always say 5 minutes but then they can be reminded that they chose 5 minutes.

would you like to ride in the cart or walk beside mommy.

you get the idea

FabulousMrs.P · December 2013

With my DD times outs are the most effective. She hates to have to stop playing so generally all I have to do is threaten the time out and she stops the behavior. If she continues, we follow through and give her the time out. Also, if she is into a particular thing that day ie watching mickey mouse clubhouse or a particular toy, I have threatened and taken it away...and she VERY clearly understood what I was doing and why.

CheezeFace · December 2013

sunflwr2 said:

great advice! the things that seem to be happening lately are 1. nap time. shes a great sleeper, always has been. but with her nap lately she just yells and cries for me. and I mean shes really crying. I can see shes exhausted and needs her nap. but I dont want to give in and take her out while shes crying. dont want her to think crying = no nap. 2. just the normal two year old thing. running away from me at target laughing saying you cant catch me! its very rare she behaves this way and its very short lived. but I dont want it to get worse. and I feel like if I dont discipline her properly now it will get worse. shes clearly testing her boundaries. so I guess im not sure what a natural consequence would be for something like that. thanks for the advice everyone!!!

In regards to the above, try changing the way you are thinking about this. Instead of 'punishing' her 'bad' behaviors, try teaching her desired behaviors. IMHO it is a much gentler way to affect a behavior change. There are times that you will just have to repeat yourself 1 million times until it sinks in. For example, I have been going over the "this is how we cross the street" scenario every, single day since DS started walking on his own. Almost 9 months later, he's finally starting to reach for my hand and wait at the crossings without being reminded. There would have been absolutely no point in punishing him for not doing it right - he was too young to understand the concept. It doesn't mean that I'm not teaching him desired behaviors but some of those lessons are a long time coming.

Also, your daughter sounds delightful and funny and naughty and full of energy. All perfectly awesome things. It sounds like you are doing a good job and we all have moments where we are tired and frustrated. Next time you got to the store, have a conversation with her in the car on the way there. "We are going to the store. If you don't want to ride in the cart, you need to stay right next to me. If you run away, you will ride in the cart. Do you understand Mommy?" Then talk about it one more time as you are walking in the store. When/if she runs away, put her in the cart immediately and ignore the certain meltdown but gently remind her of the rule. Personally, I wouldn't take her out again that trip but that would be your call as her Mom. You know her best.

chenag · December 2013

What about a situation like: He won't stop pull Christmas ornaments off the tree, climbing out of his bed over and over (can literally take hours to get him to sleep), or doing naughty things on purpose (looking right at you while he's doing it after you have told him no). We have had a 23 mo. Old living with us for 3 months and we cannot figure out how to discipline him effectively.

ChristineBaker23 · December 2013

For your nap time issue, my daughter is 2 and still generally takes a nap. I have always encouraged to be an independent sleeper. When she started resisting nap time we switched to "quiet time". After lunch I say "time for quiet time!" And she goes to her room with the gate up and the lights off. She is free to do what she pleases as long as she is quiet and not destroying the place like a crazy woman. She usually falls asleep. If she doesn't I take her out after an hour and a half or so. If you leave 'em too long they do have a tendency to do things like remove everything from their dresser, so beware.

For discipline, remember to pick your battles. Think, is it worth starting a fight over? If it is, have a consistent plan of action to fall back on. Our discipline routine is as follows: 1.verbal warning/timeout threat 2. Timeout 3.swat to the hiney then another time out 4. Send to room (she hates playing alone) what I find most effective is a positive reinforcement after each time out. I get on her level and say "we don't _______. We are nice. Be a nice girl." Then I have her respond "I hear you" we say I love you get a kiss and a hug. We normally don't make it to step 3 but sometimes we have to do all 4.

If you have seen my toy post, that is the only thing my discipline is not effective for lol.

blu-eyedwife · December 2013

I'll take these each separately and just respond with how I deal with them. My impression with a lot of toddler-antics is that they're testing boundaries and attention driven. And require frequent repetition and redirection.

chenag said:

What about a situation like: He won't stop pull Christmas ornaments off the tree.

*DH came up with a rule which is "we only touch the ornaments if we're putting them ON the tree." (I'm meh about it, but we support each others' "rules.") So if he starts touching them, we remind him of the rule. If he continues, he loses "Christmas tree privileges" and has to play in another room. He's 2, so he likes to push and test his limits, getting as close as he can and then yelling "Just YOOKING mama/dada. I just YOOKING." Apparently this weekend he even bent over to touch the ornaments with his head to see if that counted. (It did.)

chenag said:

What about a situation like: climbing out of his bed over and over (can literally take hours to get him to sleep)

* This isn't an issue with us because he's still in a crib, but I'm saving this to show DH when he suggests moving him into a non-crib bed! I haven't dealt with this, but I know a lot of parents babygate the room, so even if the child crawls out of bed, he isn't going anywhere.

chenag said:

or doing naughty things on purpose (looking right at you while he's doing it after you have told him no).

* We get this ALL the time. Like I said, this is part of natural development and testing limits. It's asserting their independence for a start, and learning they are capable of making their own decisions. But it also is a time for them to learn consequences of decisions. Try not to look at it as a "fuck you" even though that is certainly how it feels. And direct the consequence to what they're doing. My guy likes to shake his water straw cup upside down so the water goes on the floor. Response: Mommy asked you not to do that. Because you can't drink nicely, we're going to put the water cup away. And here are some paper towels so you can clean up the mess on the floor.

When he hits the television: We don't hit the television because you can hurt it. Since you are continuing to hit the television, you're going to have to play in a different room where there is no television.

chenag · December 2013

Thanks Ladies!

ChristineBaker23 · December 2013

LalaMama81 said:

chenag said:

What about a situation like: He won't stop pull Christmas ornaments off the tree, climbing out of his bed over and over (can literally take hours to get him to sleep), or doing naughty things on purpose (looking right at you while he's doing it after you have told him no). We have had a 23 mo. Old living with us for 3 months and we cannot figure out how to discipline him effectively.

I don't find rules that make the tree off limits useful. Kids like to explore and part of that is touching. We allow touching & rearranging on the bottom of the tree, that stuff is all non-breakable w/o hooks. You could implement a 1 finger touch rule, we use this is stores, etc. They can touch, but only w/ 1 finger. It is physically difficult for young children to stop themselves from touching - they experience not just by seeing/hearing.

Sleep, not much you can do. You can't keep them in bed, only in the room. You can develop a relaxing, dependable bed time routine and even stay until they fall asleep if it will work.

I'm loving that one finger rule! My daughter actually says to me "mommy I want to go touch it. Can I touch it?" On a regular basis. (Even about the inflatable snowman down the street haha) this is a great idea and I'm defiitely stealing it!

jls5121 · December 2013

Hi! You've received a lot of great feedback so far, so maybe you've already found your solution, but I know the "natural consequences" approach doesn't work for everyone, so I'll tell you what has worked REALLY well for my family.

Time out.

Old-fashioned, underrated, time out.

We find it useful to have two separate "types" of time out - time out for misbehaving / not listening, which we call "time out," and time out for crying / screaming over not getting her way which we call the "crying chair." If we don't separate these two, she doesn't understand the difference between bad behavior and just being upset for no reason. Each location is different. The time out spot is a blue placemat on the floor in the living room. The crying chair is a dining room chair facing the wall.

If our daughter runs away from us or doesn't come to us when we call for her, we give her one chance to do as she's been told, or she's getting "time out." That usually sends her right in our direction. When she peeks in and says "no" and runs away, we put her on the blue placemat, tell her she's in time out and that she's not to talk or move. We then leave the room (checking on her secretly periodically). If she cries, she cries. She's not done with time out until she's done misbehaving and crying. After an appropriate amount of time (which is pretty short for a toddler, no more than 1.5 minutes or so at the most), we come back, get down to her level, tell her what she did wrong, and ask her if she's going to do it again. She usually says no.

If our daughter gets hysterically upset and throws a temper tantrum over not getting something she wants (usually another cookie lol), we say "Do you want to go in the crying chair?" That usually quiets her down and she resumes her happy play. If she continues to throw the tantrum, we place her on the "crying chair," where she's not to move or talk, again for an appropriate amount of time until she's done crying. Once she stops freaking out, she can get down, and we tell her that "When you're done crying, you can get down." It usually doesn't take very long for her to calm down.

There are three important things about time out for a toddler - 1. That she understands WHY she's in time out. 2. That there's nothing exciting going on around her that she can partake in from her time out location - she has to be "bored." 3. That the duration of the time out doesn't go on long enough for her to forget how she got there in the first place.

Some parents might see this as harsh... I don't. It works with my daughter and she's very well-behaved (usually... no toddler is perfection 24/7 of course), it worked with my brother and me as children, and it's commonly taught in parenting classes worldwide. There's nothing a toddler hates more than being bored and not being able to play as they wish (aside from maybe spicy food).

Best of luck! -Jen

TiffanyBerry · December 2013

LalaMama81 said:

If our daughter gets hysterically upset and throws a temper tantrum over not getting something she wants (usually another cookie lol), we say "Do you want to go in the crying chair?" That usually quiets her down and she resumes her happy play. If she continues to throw the tantrum, we place her on the "crying chair," where she's not to move or talk, again for an appropriate amount of time until she's done crying. Once she stops freaking out, she can get down, and we tell her that "When you're done crying, you can get down." It usually doesn't take very long for her to calm down.
Yes, I do find your version of the "crying chair" to be harsh. Taking a break to calm down in a quiet comfy space is one thing - we do it often. But making a crying child face the wall is ridiculous to me. I just don't see how that teaches them to handle their emotions.

Yeah, this. You're teaching your daughter that having strong emotions is bad and that she must bury them (because it's impossible to teach her not to have them at all) so they cannot be displayed. And you are teaching her that if she can't do that, if she cannot bottle up those emotions and her reactions, you will send her away until she can.

This is one of the things I really, philosophically, dislike about time outs.

On the other hand, if you did it as a time-in - sit quieting in a calm place WITH your child while they have their emotions, just so you are there, or at least near by where they can see you and get you if they need to - it would be a totally different thing.

jls5121 · December 2013

I completely understand both of your perspectives 100%. I knew that some people would see my version of "punishment" as harsh, but allow me to clarify - we don't put her in the crying chair just because she's upset. Being upset is perfectly valid. When she's SO upset that she's unable to articulate her feelings with words and instead throws herself on the ground in a fit of rage until she gets her way, that's when the chair comes into play. She's encouraged to find a way to express these feelings in an acceptable way, which normally she will do once she's calmed down. It's more of a calming down time than anything. And the chair isn't positioned in the corner so she can't see us! We just had to turn it away from the table where her coloring books and puzzles sit. She can look about as she pleases - my dining room is kind of a weird shape. I think you'd have to see it to understand that one. Shouldn't have said "facing the wall." I just meant facing away from the toys.

Robbin3737 · December 2013

All good advice. Thanks ladies.

erbear · December 2013

Agree with the others on the crying chair. My almost 5 year old is super emotional. I'd never punish her for that - hell, I am too. When she feels out of control, I ask her to go to her room to calm down. It's not a punishment and there's no shame involved but the result is the same.

janinekrause · December 2013

We really do a mix of things depending on the situation.

Time outs work very well in certain instances for us and we have been doing them since 18 months. Usually the threat of a time out works. She has always understood it, and calms down and stops whatever behavior isn't acceptable. Says she is sorry and hugs us.

Christmas tree- we told her she can't touch it. No touch, just look because it could break. She is turning 2 on Saturday and 100% understands it. I let her carry around one or two non-breakable ornaments while we were decorating and she gave them to her 5 year old sister to put in the tree. Hasn't touched it since- goes up and looks at it only.

She is also a difficult eater sometimes and throws her food or refuses something. Not because she isn't hungry but she is just particular and we are trying to break the habit of giving her the same foods all the time. The threat is usually no dessert. Its crazy she gets dessert almost every night but that's because she has a 5 year old sister who does (never happened with my first). She looked at me the other night and wouldn't eat- I said you need to eat you dinner. 5 minutes later, she finished her meal and came over and said all done, finished food, dessert now?

We talk and explain a lot too, and she really gets it. I think sometimes we don't give credit for the amount they understand at this age.

There are tons of different ways to deal with it and much is a personal decision. I am not a redirection fan at all personally but that's me- I have never done it.

authorofdreamz · December 2013

With DD the two biggest issues we have are tantrums and her hitting/pulling our hair. For hitting/pulling hair we use time outs because she needs to be separated from the situation. There is really not much else we can do. For tantrums, I start by talking her through her emotions since one of the biggest reasons young children throw tantrums is because they don't have the communication skills to convey their thoughts/feelings. (For example, if she is upset she can't go play outside because we need to get ready for school I say "I know you are sad because you want to play outside but right now we need to get ready for school. We can play outside on Saturday when we don't have school.") It has helped tremendously, most of the time that is all it takes to get her to calm down.

With the Christmas tree we just treat it as any other breakable object that she isn't supposed to touch. We explain that it is special and that it can break so we don't touch it we just look at it. We haven't had any problems so far.

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