I need ideas on how to get my 3yr old to feed herself!

jknigh8 · December 2013

DD just turned 3.5 and absolutely refuses to feed herself meals. She's been hard to feed since the beginnig, never nursed or bottle fed well even, so we basically just fed her so she'd eat something. She is in no way a fussy eater, she has a great palette for a 3 yr old, likes everything, just wont feed herself. She isn't very good with utensils either. She feeds herself snacks throughout the day, but as soon as she has to sit down and eat a meal, she starts crying and whining and coming up with excuses why she cant eat, claiming she needs help. Our 19 month old is a fabulous eater and is great with her utensils. With the new one coming in a couple weeks, I really want to deal with this, but I am at my wits end.

The addage "they'll eat when they are hungry enough" doesn't work. This kid just gets super whiney and cries over everything when she's hungry.

I've tried not giving her snacks too close to meals, giving her meals when she asks for snacks ect, she just would rather be hungry than eat.

Anyone else have a kid like this and some suggestions???

CopperT0p · December 2013

I agree with PP. When DS was younger he would say he couldn't eat certain foods without help. We told him he could feed himself, and that if he didn't finish his meal he wouldn't able to get a snack before the next meal. It would work. Maybe not that meal or the next, but he would eventually feed himself. Also, when DS whines or cries at the table, he has to leave the table until he can talk "like a big boy". For DS, this is more effective than trying to work it out. He does better with a strict rule so he knows what to expect at meals.

DS is now eager to learn how to cut up his own food. He is successful if the food isn't super tough (cannot cut up meat, but can cut pasta or perogies).

funchicken · December 2013

How is she with other fine motor tasks? Can she undress herself? Unscrew caps? String beads? Manipulate small objects? Does she draw at all? Do puzzles? In my experience, most kids are wired for independence, so I would be concerned that she's not feeding herself. If you think there might be a fine motor issue, talk to your pedi.

BeanNut · December 2013

It sounds like she may be holding out for snacks (my kids both prefer their snacks over "real food" unfortunately). If it's just a behavioral issue, I would suggest trying a reward system. What motivates her? A half hour of TV after dinner? A sticker chart? A small dessert? Put something in place for her to earn a reward by feeding herself and eating some of her dinner.

ncbelle · December 2013

I agree at this point it's just a power struggle that she knows you will cave to. So don't cave

She has shown she can feed herself snacks so there's no reason she can't do it at dinner. If she doesn't eat, she doesn't eat. If she cries about it, she cries. I would tell her in advance of a meal that she is responsible for feeding herself - gently but firmly remind her of this at the meal, and ignore any tantrum. And do make sure she gets health snacks only and that they aren't too close to meals. She really won't starve herself!

ashiscute · December 2013

ncbelle said:

I agree at this point it's just a power struggle that she knows you will cave to. So don't cave She has shown she can feed herself snacks so there's no reason she can't do it at dinner. If she doesn't eat, she doesn't eat. If she cries about it, she cries. I would tell her in advance of a meal that she is responsible for feeding herself - gently but firmly remind her of this at the meal, and ignore any tantrum. And do make sure she gets health snacks only and that they aren't too close to meals. She really won't starve herself!

This!

jknigh8 · December 2013

She doesn't have any motor issues, she's just lazy when it comes to meals that need utensils. DH and I are actually really strict. The rule is if you don't eat, you don't get anything else. It is usually lunch and dinner that are the issues though. She doesn't want to stop what she is doing to eat, and she will go the rest of the day with no food if she refuses to eat lunch. I just end up with a VERY cranky child. She is incredibly stubborn. If we allowed her to bring toys to the table, or watch TV while she was eating it wouldnt be a problem. I know this bc her home daycare has a livingroom open to the kitchen and the kids all sit at the table and watch TV while eating and babysitter has never had an issue with her not eating there. DH and I just want meal time to be family time and don't allow those things at home.

I like PP's idea of a sticker chart. I dont want to bribe her with more food (ie. dessert) but I would try with a small toy or something to start with. She would totally understand the concept.

funchicken · December 2013

The reason I asked about motor issues is because you mentioned that she didn't nurse or bottle feed well. That combined with not using utensils could indicate a fine motor or motor planning issue. Do you ever offer her snacks that require utensils? Yogurt? Applesauce? Cut up fruit? Will she use a utensil for those? I'd start offering snacks that she needs utensils for. And if you do dessert, make that something that she has to work a little for, too. I've never seen my girls use a spoon more neatly than when they're eating ice cream

They seriously don't want to spill a drop.

Personally, I wouldn't be okay with a daycare provider who let my kid watch tv during mealtime, especially since you think it's contributing to your mealtime struggles. That's your call, though. It sounds like you got some good advice. GL!

TiffanyBerry · December 2013

I think investigating the motor issue one is good. But I'll share something that works reasonably well for us - we take turns. I'll help her with a bite if she does two on her own. If I wanted to, I'm quite certain that I could work towards not helping at all. For my DD, some of it is, particularly by dinner time, a closeness and wanting to be helped and not have to rely on herself any more sort of issue. It's more that she's mentally worn out, and since we don't have other kids, I'm ok with compromising to a degree. But in your shoes, with other kids, I'd work (slowly) towards it being entirely her responsibility. (Of course talk to her about why that is, too.)

jknigh8 · December 2013

mrszee2b said:

The reason I asked about motor issues is because you mentioned that she didn't nurse or bottle feed well. That combined with not using utensils could indicate a fine motor or motor planning issue. Do you ever offer her snacks that require utensils? Yogurt? Applesauce? Cut up fruit? Will she use a utensil for those? I'd start offering snacks that she needs utensils for. And if you do dessert, make that something that she has to work a little for, too. I've never seen my girls use a spoon more neatly than when they're eating ice cream They seriously don't want to spill a drop.

Personally, I wouldn't be okay with a daycare provider who let my kid watch tv during mealtime, especially since you think it's contributing to your mealtime struggles. That's your call, though. It sounds like you got some good advice. GL!

Good points about the motor issues, no offense taken, I'm actually a therapist for children with Autism and am very familiar with child development and behavioural techniques... of course none of this means anything for my own kids... this little girl is very smart for her age and it's much easier to be consistent at work than at home. We are very consistent with the eating issue, however sometimes we do have somewhere we need to be and it's either feed her and enjoy the day or sit at our table for the rest of the day and miss our event.

Funny you mention snacks that require utensils. No, she never has snacks like that anymore! I never even thought about that! She doesn't like applesauce, and I usually do the frozen yogurt tubes now bc the baby is teething and they both like those, so it has been a very long time since she's had to eat yogurt in a cup. She isnt a big fan of very wet fruits that would require utensils, she usually likes likes sliced fruit that she can eat with her hands. I will have to make more of an effort to increase that opportunity!

Daycare was only for a couple months, and it was a friend/neighbour watching her a few evenings while I was working, I've just finished working and will be a sahm now, so I really want to nip this ridiculous behaviour before the baby comes.

funchicken · December 2013

jknigh8 said:

mrszee2b said:

The reason I asked about motor issues is because you mentioned that she didn't nurse or bottle feed well. That combined with not using utensils could indicate a fine motor or motor planning issue. Do you ever offer her snacks that require utensils? Yogurt? Applesauce? Cut up fruit? Will she use a utensil for those? I'd start offering snacks that she needs utensils for. And if you do dessert, make that something that she has to work a little for, too. I've never seen my girls use a spoon more neatly than when they're eating ice cream They seriously don't want to spill a drop.

Personally, I wouldn't be okay with a daycare provider who let my kid watch tv during mealtime, especially since you think it's contributing to your mealtime struggles. That's your call, though. It sounds like you got some good advice. GL!

Good points about the motor issues, no offense taken, I'm actually a therapist for children with Autism and am very familiar with child development and behavioural techniques... of course none of this means anything for my own kids... this little girl is very smart for her age and it's much easier to be consistent at work than at home. We are very consistent with the eating issue, however sometimes we do have somewhere we need to be and it's either feed her and enjoy the day or sit at our table for the rest of the day and miss our event.

Funny you mention snacks that require utensils. No, she never has snacks like that anymore! I never even thought about that! She doesn't like applesauce, and I usually do the frozen yogurt tubes now bc the baby is teething and they both like those, so it has been a very long time since she's had to eat yogurt in a cup. She isnt a big fan of very wet fruits that would require utensils, she usually likes likes sliced fruit that she can eat with her hands. I will have to make more of an effort to increase that opportunity!

Daycare was only for a couple months, and it was a friend/neighbour watching her a few evenings while I was working, I've just finished working and will be a sahm now, so I really want to nip this ridiculous behaviour before the baby comes.

I know what you mean about getting them as independent as possible before baby #3 comes along--I'm in the same boat

My DD1 has a fine motor delay that we didn't discover until she was four, so it's just something that's on my radar. She was really good at compensating, which is why we didn't catch it sooner, but she did have trouble using utensils and always preferred to eat with her hands. I'm glad you weren't offended--I was just throwing it out there as something to keep an eye on

lyingliarlies · December 2013

we had very similar issues with DS. he wouldn't whine or cry, and usually had no problem moving from play to mealtime, but he just would not feed himself...except for snacks that he liked. i even talked with an OT and she said it really sounded like he was just being lazy or not doing it b/c we were doing it for him. he was always a great eater as far as amount and variety so it was hard to even think about letting him "go hungry." it was tough to do it, but eventually it got so frustrating that we stopped feeding him, just wouldn't do it anymore and told him that he needed to & could do it himself (it was few months ago, he was about 2.) and after a couple of meals of not eating much at all...he fed himself. it happened much quicker than i thought it would (he's stubborn too

.) we used some favorite foods to make it more enticing of course. even if you start with just finger foods or foods easy to spoon or stab with a fork, the hard part will be just getting her in the habit of doing it for herself and then it'll get so much easier. i promise.

jknigh8 · December 2013

LalaMama81 said:

Okay, I got the impression from the OP that she sat down w/ you and was hungry but refused to eat until you fed her. She's not even coming to the table at all? What happens later when she is cranky? what is your reaction?

I'm not sure what your routine is but I would 1. make it mandatory for her to come sit at the table w/ you for meals for at least 10 minutes 2. No snacks for at least an hour before a meal 3. When she does get cranky later, ask if she's hungry and offer her the meal that she didn't eat earlier. Sit down w/ her but don't feed her 4. I'd probably figure out a snack that requires a spoon or fork just for practice.

And if any eating is still occurring while playing - snacking, meals, etc. I'd stop it cold turkey tomorrow. Snacking happens at the table, meals do and the TV is off.

I am doing all these things! But I make her stay at the table until the rest of the family is done eating, and I do not offer her more food until the next meal. She can only have water in between. When she gets really cranky/whining/crying because she is hungry, I do tell her she can eat her meal, and if she doesnt choose to at that point, she gets sent to her room until she is calm again. Funny enough, she is actually doing much better this week. Not sure if it's because her elf is watching and she doesnt want to be on the naughty list, or because I am home not working anymore and am less stressed as well.

Want a personalized experience?

I need ideas on how to get my 3yr old to feed herself!

Re: I need ideas on how to get my 3yr old to feed herself!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards