Since it's slow and I actually have a BF issue here it goes

dannie2011 · December 2013

Ok guess back to the start as most of you probably don't remember my intro or you weren't around.

I joined this forum as a way to help me see my husbands point of view as he's the step father in our relationship. He married me a mom with 4 kids, the oldest was 16 when we got married. The kids are all two years apart, he is a great father most of the time to them. He had no kids or been around any so he's a little fish out of water most of the time. The younger kids he is good with it's just the oldest, their is never any issues with disrespect we dealt with some eye rolling and slight attitude early on but that is done. We have been married 5 1/2 years, with baby # 2 on the way so that makes 6 kids between us. The oldest had the most issues with my ex and he needed therapy do to all the bs.

So now my issue, my oldest is in College he is still trying to find his place in the world. I'm just happy he's in school still, hes always struggled with school so this is a big deal for me. My husband always complains it's not enough, he tries to compare my son and himself. Which for starters doesn't work, my husband is very smart driven individual, my son is laid back and struggles with school. The kids and I are Canadian living in the US my husband grew up here in the US, he doesn't see how life in general is different, how the way ppl think is different, the whole way of living to work is different then how myself and my kids see the world. But it only bothers him when it come to the oldest. My younger two have major learning disabilities and it took a lot of arguments to get through my husbands head to stop thinking it was just a matter of working harder. The oldest also has a disability but for some reason because it's not as bad he still harps on the he doesn't try hard enough band wagon.

So now my husband is all stressed out, because my son changed what he wants to do in life again for the fourth time. This is not about my husband paying for his schooling so it's not money hes paying out. I just can't seem to get through his head to let him be, hes in school he is trying, and that's better then dropping out all together. My husband just seems to be stuck in his head that he has to have an issue with everything the boy does.

It's driving the pregnant tired women nuts. I have a disability also and this stresses me out because I know very well that our daughter and this baby on the way could very well have similar struggles and I don't think he will see it. So if I managed to make any sense at all and you made it through that mess here's a a cookie.

coopsbaby · December 2013

Sounds similar to my situation. My dh has no kids of is own, and we got married when my kids were 20, 17 and 15. Dh has had a hard time dealing with teens sometimes, he has no siblings and hasn't been around kids much and normal teen behavior can drive him nuts sometimes. He does really well for the most part, so no complaints from me.

Your son sounds like he's doing fine, and your dh needs to back off. I have two in college. Dd1 is a freshman at a really competitive school and is thriving. Ds (21) is in his fourth year of college and had struggled a bit. He's just not quite as driven, and he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He did one year fulltime, then two years parttime, and now he's back fulltime. He's on his third major, but I think this one is going to stick. I have kept my nose out of it for the most part, I mean I advise him, and we talk about things, but the ultimate decision is up to him, especially since he's working and paying for his own schooling.

When it comes down to it, once they are 18 they can legally do what they want, and they need to figure things out on their own. Your ds is in school, he's not running the streets or something, so he's doing something ok. Everybody can't be an overachiever, it just doesn't work, and no amount of pushing can change someone's personality. My son could do so much better academically than he does, but he doesn't care so he won't. He does fine (B's mostly) and he's happy so I'm happy. Is your son happy with how school is going? If so, then your dh needs to not worry about it. Not sure how to get him to lay off though!

dannie2011 · December 2013

Thank you, that is exactly how I am. I help him see things long term and try to guide him without pushing him. He now wants to do teaching, I encourage it and hope it sticks.

coopsbaby · December 2013

You're doing all you can do. I mean, you can't make these decisions for him anymore (as much as we'd like to!) I'm kind of lucky in that my dh struggled his first couple of years at college, so he sympathizes with ds, plus he believes it'll all work out in the end since he did ok.

One thing I tell my dh when he gets frustrated with my kids is that I know he would have done things differently if they were his kids, but by the time he met them they were raised for the most part. He can't expect them to behave the way he thinks they should.

ambrvan · December 2013

Try giving him the real statistics. Most college graduates change their major at least X times before finding their true niche. I can't remember the actual number, but u remember my college sending an email or about it once.

How can a kid honestly know what they want to do right out of high school when they haven't had any career specific classes and/or experience? Getting a real look at it changes your idea of it. As long as DS is not just partying it up, then he needs to let him be.

I really don't know what you can do to get through to him other than just nicely ask him to just let it ride as long as he isn't flunking.

michelleonthecoast · December 2013

I'm sorry but I'm with your DH. Your son needs to get a job and pay for college himself until he figures out what he wants to major in.

dannie2011 · December 2013

michelleonthecoast said:

I'm sorry but I'm with your DH. Your son needs to get a job and pay for college himself until he figures out what he wants to major in.

I think you missed the part, my husband is not paying a dime. This is all on my son.

dannie2011 · December 2013

coopsbaby said:

You're doing all you can do. I mean, you can't make these decisions for him anymore (as much as we'd like to!) I'm kind of lucky in that my dh struggled his first couple of years at college, so he sympathizes with ds, plus he believes it'll all work out in the end since he did ok.

One thing I tell my dh when he gets frustrated with my kids is that I know he would have done things differently if they were his kids, but by the time he met them they were raised for the most part. He can't expect them to behave the way he thinks they should.

The bolded part I think is how I'm going to address it next time.

dannie2011 · December 2013

ambrvan said:

Try giving him the real statistics. Most college graduates change their major at least X times before finding their true niche. I can't remember the actual number, but u remember my college sending an email or about it once. How can a kid honestly know what they want to do right out of high school when they haven't had any career specific classes and/or experience? Getting a real look at it changes your idea of it. As long as DS is not just partying it up, then he needs to let him be. I really don't know what you can do to get through to him other than just nicely ask him to just let it ride as long as he isn't flunking.

Thanks I think he has a hard time seeing that, my husband was very driven and made his choice back in highschool.

coopsbaby · December 2013

dannie2011 said:

ambrvan said:

Try giving him the real statistics. Most college graduates change their major at least X times before finding their true niche. I can't remember the actual number, but u remember my college sending an email or about it once. How can a kid honestly know what they want to do right out of high school when they haven't had any career specific classes and/or experience? Getting a real look at it changes your idea of it. As long as DS is not just partying it up, then he needs to let him be. I really don't know what you can do to get through to him other than just nicely ask him to just let it ride as long as he isn't flunking.

Thanks I think he has a hard time seeing that, my husband was very driven and made his choice back in highschool.

I never understand how people know what they want to do while they're still in high school. I didn't even go to college until I was 25 because I had no CLUE what to go for.

dannie2011 · December 2013

I know I keep telling him he's not normal.

ambrvan · December 2013

coopsbaby said:

dannie2011 said:

ambrvan said:

Try giving him the real statistics. Most college graduates change their major at least X times before finding their true niche. I can't remember the actual number, but u remember my college sending an email or about it once.

How can a kid honestly know what they want to do right out of high school when they haven't had any career specific classes and/or experience? Getting a real look at it changes your idea of it. As long as DS is not just partying it up, then he needs to let him be.

I really don't know what you can do to get through to him other than just nicely ask him to just let it ride as long as he isn't flunking.

Thanks I think he has a hard time seeing that, my husband was very driven and made his choice back in highschool.

I never understand how people know what they want to do while they're still in high school. I didn't even go to college until I was 25 because I had no CLUE what to go for.

Some people do know what they want to do right from the get go. But most do not.

I always wanted to be a veterinarian, but I screwed up and had a family instead (please don't take that the wrong way). I will never be a veterinarian, but I am still working as a technician like I was at 16, but now at 24, I am going to college and furthering my education so I can do more in the animal health field. Granted I am still in the same neighborhood, but I am in a different road, if that makes sense.

If I didn't have a family, I would have gone onto vet school. No doubt. I have never changed my undergrad major, just my course in life.

Your DS has to make his own successes and failures. I always felt like I was never goid enough for my mom, too, and that's what I told her. My mistakes will be mine to pay for, and my successes will be mine to rejoice in. Not hers. If your H isn't paying, this is how he needs to look at it.

Ilumine · December 2013

dannie2011 said:

michelleonthecoast said:

I'm sorry but I'm with your DH. Your son needs to get a job and pay for college himself until he figures out what he wants to major in.

I think you missed the part, my husband is not paying a dime. This is all on my son.

I actually see where your husband is coming from, even if I didn't pay for it. Because in the end, it IS wasting someone's time, money, and investments…even if its the US or Canadian governments.

I am no knocking the fact that college students change their majors 1-3 times in their career, because our society has de-evloved them into grown children. Heck even I changed my major once (though I will say that I "changed" by finishing my first major and getting a second undergrad degree).

But I am saying that by 21, your son is no longer some wet behind the ear, 18 year old freshman who doesn't have a handle on who he is. And if he really DOESN'T know who he is or at least a general idea by 21, he needs to be done more than flitting along until something sticks.

What has your son ACTIVELY done to "find himself"? Has he used the college's resources (talked to the Career Counselor, his advisors, the Employment team, found an internship, etc?) at all?

I noticed that when you posted your OP, you said NOTHING about what he has done to support his choices, other than to point out his "personality". If that was how my child justified these choices to me, I would find them inadequate as well.

So is just being happy that he hasn't dropped out.

Because that means that you do not care that he is finding his way, your just happy he is skating through life not in your home.

Maybe he isn't supposed to be "white collar". Maybe he will bloom as a technician. Maybe he will find his bliss in agriculture? But your (you, your DS and your DH) settling for him not dropping out means that you are not pushing him to figure it out.

The point is, by 21 and the 4th major, your DH is right, your son does need to be pushed a bit.

nevertune · December 2013

I made straight As in weighted college credit classes in high school and graduated with a 4.6. I didn't know what I wanted to be until I had been married, had a baby, gotten a divorce and had to get a job that paid well enough to support my son on my own. I was 26. The field I'm in doesn't even require college; dental laboratory technician. Almost no one even knows the field exists. I found out about it right before things went sour with my ex and me and KNEW it's what I wanted. Before that, I wanted to be a cultural anthropologist. There's a whole world of stuff to grow up to be out there. I can see why kids change majors all the time. As a parent, I'd probably be frustrated too, but I'll remind myself of my brother who is over 40, got a degree in history, works in IT, wanted to go back to be a chemistry teacher, and now wants to be a stock broker.

ambrvan · December 2013

Ilumine said:

dannie2011 said:

michelleonthecoast said:

I'm sorry but I'm with your DH. Your son needs to get a job and pay for college himself until he figures out what he wants to major in.

I think you missed the part, my husband is not paying a dime. This is all on my son.

I actually see where your husband is coming from, even if I didn't pay for it. Because in the end, it IS wasting someone's time, money, and investments…even if its the US or Canadian governments.

I am no knocking the fact that college students change their majors 1-3 times in their career, because our society has de-evloved them into grown children. Heck even I changed my major once (though I will say that I "changed" by finishing my first major and getting a second undergrad degree).

But I am saying that by 21, your son is no longer some wet behind the ear, 18 year old freshman who doesn't have a handle on who he is. And if he really DOESN'T know who he is or at least a general idea by 21, he needs to be done more than flitting along until something sticks.

What has your son ACTIVELY done to "find himself"? Has he used the college's resources (talked to the Career Counselor, his advisors, the Employment team, found an internship, etc?) at all?

I noticed that when you posted your OP, you said NOTHING about what he has done to support his choices, other than to point out his "personality". If that was how my child justified these choices to me, I would find them inadequate as well.

So is just being happy that he hasn't dropped out.

Because that means that you do not care that he is finding his way, your just happy he is skating through life not in your home.

Maybe he isn't supposed to be "white collar". Maybe he will bloom as a technician. Maybe he will find his bliss in agriculture? But your (you, your DS and your DH) settling for him not dropping out means that you are not pushing him to figure it out.

The point is, by 21 and the 4th major, your DH is right, your son does need to be pushed a bit.

Ok maybe I didn't think about the OP enough. I didn't realize he had changed that many times and was that far into college. In that case, your H is probably justified in his feelings and thinking and honestly, I thought but didn't say anything about the fact that all of your kids have "disabilities" might mean you just didn't want to push them hard enough. Maybe they do have learning disabilities, but it doesn't mean you don't push them. And life style differences between Canada and the US is kind of a cheap excuse because I know MANY people burn and raised in Canada living here now who are driven and focused. I don't think your nationality has any part in this.

All that being said, I ignored it in my original post because if you're not paying for it, it's time to let little Billy sink or swim on his own. he will pay back loans, provide his food, lodgings, etc. If he is getting any help at all, then your H should have a say

hopanka · December 2013

The OP did state she guides her son, just doesn't push. And that is wise, IMO. The boy will figure it out. She said he has now picked teaching, which she supports. The only thing I would suggest is to start a conversation with the boy, trying to figure out how he came to the conclusion he wanted to be a teacher. As a mom, I would listen to his reasoning, andif it's solid, I'd keep supporting it. If not, I would ask deeper questions and suggest a talk with a school career counselor and more research. I would also definitely talk about potential setbacks of being a teacher. Plus, OP knows her son's personality. Does it match with a successful teacher's personality? Is her son a giving, patient person who enjoys educating others about things he knows? Is he meticulous, punctual and data-oriented? Teachers spend a good chunk of their day analyzing data these days. Most of all, does he like kids? Does he know how to mold authority and compassion into one? Is he a leader by nature? Other than that, I believe OP needs to tell her H to butt out. It's obvious the boy's personality and his personality clash, so they won't likely see eye to eye for sometime, if ever, when it comes to their lifestyles. OP, as the boy's mom, should be the one sitting down with him, asking those questions and guiding him, so he can figure out a satisfying career for himself. And, yes...it's ok to change your mind, even a few times in your life. A wise woman has said: it's no longer a career ladder you are climbing, it's a jungle gym. The same rules just don't apply anymore. The world is changing too fast and so are the demands. What's hot today, isn't going to be tomorrow anymore. People who are flexible and can change their skills quickly are the ones who will have the edge.

dannie2011 · December 2013

Thanks everyone.

I have no problems with him wanting to do any type of trade. He is a long way from finishing and that doesn't have anything to do with changing what he wants in the end. The first 2 years he was taking remedial classes( should of mentioned that in the op but I was rambling) Like I said school is not easy for him, he does work his ass off to get good grades, hes not partying, he works.

+just+j+ · December 2013

You can not blame changing majors four times on a learning disability or your nationality. Thats just plain inability to make a decision and folliw thru. If he cant decide, he needs to drop out, work for awhile, and truly think about what he has a passion for. When he figures our his passion, then THAT is what he should do.

If he doesnt know his passion then he needs to find it and explore some possiblities. Maybe even talk to a life coach.

Four different majors is not going to look goid on a resume. He needs to figure it out first before he blows more of his and/or your college money.

Ilumine · December 2013

Thanks everyone.

I have no problems with him wanting to do any type of trade. He is a long way from finishing and that doesn't have anything to do with changing what he wants in the end. The first 2 years he was taking remedial classes( should of mentioned that in the op but I was rambling) Like I said school is not easy for him, he does work his ass off to get good grades, hes not partying, he works.

Look, I am not knocking your son's hard work. But as an outside observer, this makes it worse to me. At the very least he is 3 years into school. That means that he has changed his mind 4 times in 3 years. Can you not see how disconcerting this is?

Why would your DH believe that the 4th time is a charm? And why would you get upset at your DH for having these doubts and wanting reassurances that your son is actually putting any serious thought into his future (again 4 different choices in 3 to 4 years).

Even if your husband was over critical in the past, this time, his criticisms may not be based on SF/SS issue and more about this current situation.

You still haven't disclosed what your son has done to justify/support this new decision? One would think that if you are trying to defend your son you would have posted all of the things he has done. Because while I might now agree with my daughter pulling a stunt like this, if she came to me with her well thought out plans, showed me that she had gone to the Career Counselors, done an internship with the new major before making the official change, provided me with a full out plan on how she will move this new choice into her future…I would at least support her.

Because I knew that she had done enough research and well, WORK at this new choice to know that she was serious about it.

And maybe, if your son (not you) did that kind of work into this job, your DH might be less concerned about what the future might bring. Because right now, all I can see is a kid coming out of 6+ years of undergrad school, with massive debt into this crap job market. And who do you think is the first place this kid is going to turn to when his loans come due and he is not making a living wage?

Can you honestly tell him that if your son finally graduates and cannot find a job or has such a low paying job that he cannot afford to take care of himself and his loans, that you are really and truly not going to help him out?

Wahoo · December 2013

You don't need to put every major you declare on a resume. That's just silly. When you graduate, you put your major, your minor (if applicable) and your degree.

I was a top student, went to one of Top 5 liberal arts colleges in the country, graduated with honors, and have a master's degree from another top program. I didn't declare my major until the second semester of my senior year, the last possible day. I did the opposite of the OP's son, but basically the same -- I kept my options open while I decided. I could have double majored in three different subjects, but ended up Majoring in one and minoring in another NBD! A liberal arts edcation teaches you to think - to analyze, to think critically, and to write and communicate effectively. What field you follow doesn't necessarily matter unless you are in a highly technical field (engineering, science). 10 years from now, nobody will care what your major in college was, and you may be in a totally different field.

Who is paying for this education? If not your H? Is your son taking out loans? If yes, let him know that there are consequences to taking extra time. There is a huge expense involved with extra loans, interest.

As for the advice.....first of all, you feel that your H is picking on your son, but his criticism may come from a caring place. Setting high standards is a way of showing that you care and believe in your child (/ stepchild). Finishing a degree, getting a good job, being able to provide for yourself are seen as milestones on the way to adulthood and particularly manhood. As "laid back" as you say your son or the entire nation of Canada is, if your son has a family, he is going to feel pressure to be a breadwinner. Add to the fact that having student debt to pay (if your son is taking loans) will saddle him for years and keep him from investing in a home, retirement, etc.

I would just remind your H that your son needs to learn things for himself. If he hasn't found his way, he will eventually. And if it's your son's dime (or your ex's), then that shouldn't be an issue.

I will say, your son should have a timeline and expectations of graduation. Sooner or later, he needs to declare. It really DOES NOT MATTER what your major is. If he wants to teach, he doesn't need to major in education - he just needs to take the required courses for a liecnse. Ditto many other fields. Ten years from now, nobody will care.

dannie2011 · December 2013

He's in a community College, not University, He changes his mind but nothing on paper ever says or shows any different. He has to get his basic course no matter what direction he goes. This is the part why I feel it's not a complete waste.

He has spoken to the college counselors, and a few of his teachers. I don't think they are helping things they seem to just tell him what he wants to hear. Do I think he puts enough thought into things no I don't. But at this point any changes are only in his head nothing is changes school wise.

I'm sorry I'm terrible at putting things into words and probably not explaining myself properly.

dannie2011 · December 2013

No loans it's all payed by him. I do understand pushing him to do his best and make a choice. Even like the idea of giving him a deadline to make a solid choice and graduate.

At one point wanted to go off to Florida and take an underwater welding course. We told him right off the bat that no way were we going to pay for it. My father was a iron worker/welder if he wants to weld hes got family to get him in. We told him to do welding save the money and if he really liked welding then take the course. He then found out he didn't like welding. I know he will figure out it he just tends to do things backwards.

Ok now I don't know why the font changed.

sprky79 · December 2013

I swear, some of you go looking for fights just to have them.

If I am reading the OP correctly, her son has struggled with school and figuring out what he wants to do. In the mean time, however, he has managed to keep his grades up (which is an improvement from HS and a victory over his learning disabilities), pays for his own education WITHOUT taking on student debt, and is working to support himself. But her husband should still be able to light his a$$ up because he's not moving fast enough? So the eff what? If he's paying his own way he can fart around with it as much as he wants. Yes, its not "ideal" but I'd rather him do this now, at the community college where it is cheap, and no matter what he is still checking gen ed requirements off the "to do" list so that finishing his degree will be easier/cheaper. Is it better for him for Mom and Dad to sit on him to get "some degree/any degree" at 22, only to decide, like all too many of us do, at oh, 25, that he hates what he is trained to do but now he is stuck with it because if he dares to change his profession his family will be up his a$$ again?

OP, is your son still living at home? At this point, that's the only sticking point I could possibly see here. If he is, is he generally polite and courteous, helps around the house, does an adult's share of the work to be done around the house? If he is, than your husband needs to cram it and count his blessings that this is the least of his problems. And if your son is no longer living at home, than your husband can just stfu and mhob.

Ilumine · December 2013

sprky79 said:

I swear, some of you go looking for fights just to have them.

If I am reading the OP correctly, her son has struggled with school and figuring out what he wants to do. In the mean time, however, he has managed to keep his grades up (which is an improvement from HS and a victory over his learning disabilities), pays for his own education WITHOUT taking on student debt, and is working to support himself.
But her husband should still be able to light his a$$ up because he's not moving fast enough?
So the eff what? If he's paying his own way he can fart around with it as much as he wants. Yes, its not "ideal" but I'd rather him do this now, at the community college where it is cheap, and no matter what he is still checking gen ed requirements off the "to do" list so that finishing his degree will be easier/cheaper.
Is it better for him for Mom and Dad to sit on him to get "some degree/any degree" at 22, only to decide, like all too many of us do, at oh, 25, that he hates what he is trained to do but now he is stuck with it because if he dares to change his profession his family will be up his a$$ again?
OP, is your son still living at home? At this point, that's the only sticking point I could possibly see here. If he is, is he generally polite and courteous, helps around the house, does an adult's share of the work to be done around the house? If he is, than your husband needs to cram it and count his blessings that this is the least of his problems.
And if your son is no longer living at home, than your husband can just stfu and mhob.

And some people are not reading the actual words written within the posts. Nor are they recognizing that having a different view point to the OP or you, does not necessarily mean that they are looking for a fight.

The point of this board is not to provide IVY's, but to provide support. And sometimes support is not agreement. And I do not agree with the OP.

Could the OPs husband be a douche who has not understanding and support for his Stepchildren or people with disabilities, Sure (though why would you conceive another child with a man who looks down on the disabled?).

But at the same time, if you know that your husband is a Type A personality who cannot empathize with people who are different, then wouldn't you think it would behoove YOU and your different son (different is begin used to prove a point, not put her son down) to assuage the Type A's feelings?

If the OP (and you sprky) want to claim that the OPs son is an adult and should be allowed to make his own decisions, without ANY COMMENTARY by the man who is financially supporting these endeavors or could have to support the son in the future, then the OPs son should be ACTING LIKE A CHILD.

Look, I hope that the OPs son has found his bliss in teaching and will stick with this, this time. But I also hope that hearing from other people, that her husband's position is not far fetched will also help her realize that she may have to take a harder look at her parental relationship AND realize that even a stopped clock is correct 2 times a day. And that maybe her douche husband is correct this time.

And finally, if she IS having such a hard time with her husband and his lack of comprehension/compassion for her children's disability then there are greater issues at hand.

Wahoo · December 2013

The H isn't paying for the son's education.

VAGrrrl · December 2013

I'm actually in your husband's place as the type A step parent and can definitely relate. In this country, education is a huge factor that sets a persons life on a particular course. With education, people have choices, and this may be what is concerning to your husband. But it sounds like he also needs to remember that the biggest source of learning in a person's life often comes from failure. Maybe he doesn't want to see your son fail, when it sounds like your son maybe needs to learn from the hard lessons that his actions/choices will dictate (changing majors 4 times, etc). There may be some real teachable moments for your husband and son if they can work together with regard to his education. If your husband can utilize his type A
"gifts" (I laughingly call them that) in an empathetic way and your son can be mature enough to accept the help, the two of them can make a big difference in your son's college experience.

In our case, I came into SS's life when he was about 12. He's a gifted kid who, at the time, had no direction or sense of finishing anything he started. SS rushed thru his homework so he could get to better things, yet he still managed to get decent grades. I saw right away that he wasn't doing anything near his potential so when his father and I got married and they came to live with me, his father asked me to step in (academics are not my husband's strong suit) and provide some direction where academics were concerned (mom is in the picture but not really as a parent. She's an addict and his been in and out of jail, rehab, etc. She has also (mostly) heartily welcomed the role I've had in SS's life).

I didn't micromanage SS by any means but I showed him how to organize his work, put some boundaries around study time vs. play time and introduced consequences for decisions/actions (like consequences for not turning homework in (bad grades), not being able to do fun things until homework was thoroughly done) and I helped him study. At one point, he also asked me to review his writing (which is where I learned that even the gifted kids these days are not reading and writing like we did when I was his age. Most of the kids I know have terrible writing skills). As he got older and started doing class presentations, I coached him on his presentation skills, did trial runs with him, etc.

Money for college has been a big issue in that his parents did not plan at all for his education so we discussed it early on. I tried to impress upon him the importance of good grades so that he could get into the university of his choice (he wanted to attend my alma mater) and also get scholarships. Despite that, he had his first serious girl friend in his junior year in high school and it all went to hell in a handbasket. My husband and I were not on the same page where the girlfriend and boundaries were concerned (there were very few boundaries) and it was a tough time all around in our family. The end result is that SS's grades dropped significantly during the most important year for college grade evals and he did not get into his choice of university (consequence #1). This was devastating to SS, but it was a lesson learned. As a result, he learned that he actually had to put work into making a goal.

That began a very serious time of evaluation for SS. He began to work hard and put time into his work. He'd talk thru decisions with us but ultimately, we let him make some decisions and take consequences for actions (we didn't automatically jump in to situations at school to fix them). During HS, SS was in a state gifted program which required a lot of extra work/field trips/presentations, etc. He's in college now and at my last birthday, he thanked me for all I had done for him and that if I hadn't pushed, coached and listened, he wouldn't have gotten as far as he has (he's an engineering student in college). He and I have a deal that I will pay for his tuition as long as his grades are good and he pays for everything else (no scholarships but loans and he works his butt off at a part time job----that was another struggle that we had to deal with early on).

Quite frankly, it would scare the sh*t out of me is my SS had switched majors 4 times. You stated that your son is in community college, which is a great start, but depending on what he wants to do, he very well may need to transition into a 4 year university. In general (I know this is a generality), a community college degree isn't going to go a long way in starting a career for your son. Your husband knows that and at your son's age, he needs to be an adult, make up his mind and out himself on a path where he is working towards a career where he can support himself. This is not the time to be laid back and wait for things to come to him; this is a time for action. I can completely empathize with how your husband feels. Not sure what the family dynamic is there or how much financial support you all provide your son (I know you don't pay for school but what about food, housing, cell phone, insurance, medical care, etc) but your husband may also be afraid that he will be the fall back position if your son is not successful with his education and subsequent career.

Anyway, I wish you luck with this. It's a tough, but important, time in a kid's life and those lessons are often difficult.

sprky79 · December 2013

Ilumine said:

sprky79 said:

I swear, some of you go looking for fights just to have them.

If I am reading the OP correctly, her son has struggled with school and figuring out what he wants to do. In the mean time, however, he has managed to keep his grades up (which is an improvement from HS and a victory over his learning disabilities), pays for his own education WITHOUT taking on student debt, and is working to support himself.
But her husband should still be able to light his a$$ up because he's not moving fast enough?
So the eff what? If he's paying his own way he can fart around with it as much as he wants. Yes, its not "ideal" but I'd rather him do this now, at the community college where it is cheap, and no matter what he is still checking gen ed requirements off the "to do" list so that finishing his degree will be easier/cheaper.
Is it better for him for Mom and Dad to sit on him to get "some degree/any degree" at 22, only to decide, like all too many of us do, at oh, 25, that he hates what he is trained to do but now he is stuck with it because if he dares to change his profession his family will be up his a$$ again?
OP, is your son still living at home? At this point, that's the only sticking point I could possibly see here. If he is, is he generally polite and courteous, helps around the house, does an adult's share of the work to be done around the house? If he is, than your husband needs to cram it and count his blessings that this is the least of his problems.
And if your son is no longer living at home, than your husband can just stfu and mhob.

And some people are not reading the actual words written within the posts. Nor are they recognizing that having a different view point to the OP or you, does not necessarily mean that they are looking for a fight.

The point of this board is not to provide IVY's, but to provide support. And sometimes support is not agreement. And I do not agree with the OP.

Could the OPs husband be a douche who has not understanding and support for his Stepchildren or people with disabilities, Sure (though why would you conceive another child with a man who looks down on the disabled?).

But at the same time, if you know that your husband is a Type A personality who cannot empathize with people who are different, then wouldn't you think it would behoove YOU and your different son (different is begin used to prove a point, not put her son down) to assuage the Type A's feelings?

If the OP (and you sprky) want to claim that the OPs son is an adult and should be allowed to make his own decisions, without ANY COMMENTARY by the man who is financially supporting these endeavors or could have to support the son in the future, then the OPs son should be ACTING LIKE A CHILD.

Look, I hope that the OPs son has found his bliss in teaching and will stick with this, this time. But I also hope that hearing from other people, that her husband's position is not far fetched will also help her realize that she may have to take a harder look at her parental relationship AND realize that even a stopped clock is correct 2 times a day. And that maybe her douche husband is correct this time.

And finally, if she IS having such a hard time with her husband and his lack of comprehension/compassion for her children's disability then there are greater issues at hand.

I'm waiting to hear on the living arrangements of the kid at this juncture. Otherwise, the stepdad is not paying for any of this according to the OP.

dannie2011 · December 2013

I posted because I wanted to hear how other ppl see things.

My son is at home, he does help around the house daily, all the kids do he's no different. He doesn't have a cell phone, car or any other things. He walk to school, work, he buys his own stuff for the most part.

My Husband isn't an ass I differently would not of married him, he just can't relate with the oldest. The things have gotten better between then it's just school. I really don't expect my son to make it to University the way he's heading.I fully expect things to come to a point where he either figures it out or falls on his face. He's meeting again with his counselors and teacher to talk more about his goals hopefully he learns something.

It just seems a lot harder between the two of them, then the other kids, the second oldest is smart and driven he tends to compare the two and I think this is where he gets frustrated the two boys are like night and day.

Anyways Thank you all it does help me see things the way my husband probably does.

Ilumine · December 2013

Wahoo said:
The H isn't paying for the son's education.

Got that. Acknowledged that in my first response.

But if the OPs husband is providing support in any other way; basically allowing the son the ability to flit from one major to another so easily because he doesn't have to cover his living expenses, then it's almost the same. I may not be currently working, but my $60k we used to put down on the house, thus giving SS a room to live in means I have a say in how he uses that room.

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Since it's slow and I actually have a BF issue here it goes

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