Things not to say to a women who is miscarrying!! (may have some swearing)

amismom · October 2013

I stupidly told everyone about the pregnancy after having a good first ultrasound. Everyone was happy, I was happy. But it wasn't meant to be. So now I'm here trying to untell people the news. Which is horrible and painful. And thank god for txt messaging because if I had to say the words outright I'd cry. The kind of cry that leaves you without words and struggling to breathe. And don't get me wrong I have a lot of friends and family who have said wonderful comforting things that tell me that they love me. But if I hear "stay positive" or "keep your head up" again, I may lose it! All I want to say is, it's too late! Its all gone! All my positivity went down the drain and I don't want to keep my head up at the moment! I want to hang my head and weep till I can't anymore! Damn it, it can't be that hard to understand that I'm sad and need to be sad for a day or two after I found out the child I had already fell in love with is no longer. I'm sorry ladies about the rant but it's hard and I'm sure a few of you have heard some wtf things after telling people the sad news.

aschultz9 · October 2013

I'm so sorry. It is hard and so many words sting. My husband has had to remind me often that people don't mean to be malicious or rude, they are struggling to find a way to be helpful. It is sad, It is ok to be sad.

MrsG80inTN · October 2013

There are no words people can say that are right I've found... I'm only one week into this process and all the words hurt even though I realize people are just trying to help. They don't know what to say kind of like I don't know what to do if that makes sense? I keep crying any time I say it outloud... I hope that gets easier. Thoughts and prayers.

MMason12 · October 2013

I can tell you from experience that sometimes finding the right words to say to someone in this situation is just down right hard and one of the most difficult things we have to do in life. Most people realize that regardless of what they say it cannot and will not take away the pain, hurt and sadness you are experiencing. Most people know it's okay for your to be sad and cry -- they just want to help remind you that they are also there for you.

On a side note -- I do know exactly how you are feeling. We also found out on Monday about our loss and after having two good ultrasounds we had already gone public. I have to say that we have had nothing but love and support flowing towards us. It has actually been helpful for me that the public knows. It has made it easier to grieve and not have people think I am just some crazy lady.

HollynLeana · November 2013

I'm right here with you! If I hear "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "god knew something was wrong with the baby" one more time I'm slapping the a--hole who says it! I'm in pain...my emotions are running rampant...don't tell me it will be ok!

Megz52188 · November 2013

I completely agree. We told everyone and had to untell everyone. It was awful and I was soooo sick of hearing the "you'll get pregnant again" "it's no big deal it was only your first you'll be pregnant again in no time" and on an on... I know they are just trying to help but I got to a point where I just wished people wouldn't say anything at all. I'm nervous for thanksgiving because will be seeing a lot of family who haven't seen me yet since it happened and I really just hope they don't bring it up.

sgio7485 · November 2013

I'm sorry

People say things that are just not what you want to hear. I have a broken leg and someone actually asked me if I thought the x-rays were responsible. UGH! Big hugs for you.

musickphan912 · November 2013

I think the thing most people don't realize is that you become a mommy the moment you know your baby is growing inside you. You feel a deep stir of love in your heart from the moment you know your baby coming. No one would tell you to just get over it or that God had a plan if an older child died. Just because my baby was still growing inside me doesn't mean I loved it any less than my living 3 year old. I feel the same grief and pain I would feel if something happened to her (God forbid). I know its hard to talk about difficult things like this, but a simple "I'm so sorry, can I do anything to help?" can go a much longer way than "you can have another baby someday."

rswagler · November 2013

I am so sorry for your loss.
I also had to untell everyone - facebook and txt msgs were amazing. The worst thing anyone has said to me was "it's not the end of the world," and a close second was "it must be God's way of telling you now is a bad time since you have so much going on." Yes. It is the end of the world for me. My child is gone and I never held them. And just because I'm taking classes and working does not mean I cannot have a family. If only people could learn to really think about what they are saying to a woman who is miscarrying, we would be spared a lot of extra grief.
Sorry for my ranting. Its just that I've reached the point where I can't handle them (or anything really) anymore; I'm in a pit of despair and I need a hand up, not someone throwing rocks at me. I think without my wonderful husband I would be completely non-functioning.

Glow360 · November 2013

People are rude and it is okay for children to not know what to say, but as an adult....you should know better. I correct people immediately and am honest. This is my statement, " That really hurts my feelings you would say something so insensitive to me, I hope you learn in the future what to say. Maybe something more helpful or comforting or just don't say anything at all." Here is a list of crappy things said to me

Something was wrong with your baby your MC is a blessing in disguise
You weren't very far a long, good thing you weren't further along.
This frees you up to have fun and try again
I had a MC and it wasn't that bad
It's a good thing, because your kid could have been deformed
God wanted your child more than you, they are in a better place

Don't blame you for wanting to scream--if I was with you I would scream with you. Annoying and irritating and hurtful. I am glad you posted this because it is SO TRUE that people say horrible things.

isabel.daniels · November 2013

I am so very sorry for your loss. I suffered a missed miscarriage nearly two weeks ago, and I had a D&E this past Wednesday. I would have been 10 weeks tomorrow, and the baby stopped growing at 6 w 3 days. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemies. It is heartbreaking and hard to understand. I am really struggling these days.

We had only told our parents about the pregnancy, but in the aftermath of all that has happened, we've told a few close friends. I've found that telling people up front what sorts of things hurt to hear has helped me to avoid hearing those things, and has helped my friends to avoid saying them. I haven't had the strength to actually tell anyone verbally about the miscarriage, so all of this has been conveyed via email. I don't know whether they would have said those things or not, but I'm so grateful that they haven't, and I am sure that telling them not to in advance of them saying anything helped. I also told them that they didn't have to say much, because knowing that they love me and care is enough. I hope that this helped them to say the right things. All of the people to whom I've given these instructions have not said the wrong thing. All of the people to whom I haven't given these instructions have said the wrong thing at some point, until I've told them that it was the wrong thing. Sometimes, it's very very hard to know what to say.

I also know that before I experienced this, I, too, said wrong things to women who had had miscarriages. I didn't understand, until now, why those things would have been so completely wrong to say. But I never meant to say wrong things, I just didn't get it. Telling people what helps and what doesn't, if you have the strength to do so, could help you, and help those who really want to help you.

dkizz82 · December 2013

HollynLeana said:
I'm right here with you! If I hear "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "god knew something was wrong with the baby" one more time I'm slapping the a--hole who says it! I'm in pain...my emotions are running rampant...don't tell me it will be ok!

Holly, I am sad to see you here. I was in the July board with you. I miscarried Saturday and have heard the same things you are saying. It doesn't hurt any less just because I can get pregnant. Hope you are hanging in there.

dkizz82 · December 2013

HollynLeana said:
I'm right here with you! If I hear "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "god knew something was wrong with the baby" one more time I'm slapping the a--hole who says it! I'm in pain...my emotions are running rampant...don't tell me it will be ok!

Holly, I am sad to see you here. I was in the July board with you. I miscarried Saturday and have heard the same things you are saying. It doesn't hurt any less just because I can get pregnant. Hope you are hanging in there.

srcr2011 · December 2013

This stupid lady who I was kinda friends with was ready to pop and I had just MC and she found out, she came and hugged me and smiled and said "I'll share my baby with you". It took me a few seconds to blink and pick my jaw up from the floor. I want my own baby, you dummy! I HATE it when they say, "God knows what he is doing" or "something was wrong with the baby", "you can have more"....Ugh!
I personally get offended when they say "God knows" or "God wanted the baby back". I'm a Christian, and I hate that they put such a horrible blame on God. God got me through the painful moments. God in not nice one moment and cruel the next and rip my baby away from me. Those comments bug!

MrsDL · December 2013

MC is definitely one of those things you can't completely understand unless you've been there - I've always had great sympathy for friends/people I've known who have gone through it, but I can now truly say that I didn't come close to comprehending the heartbreak and pain until I experienced it myself. I've read once that when you lose somebody you love, you grieve the loss of the past. In a MC, a woman grieves the loss of the future. You start thinking about that future the second you find out you are pregnant so this is very true. I've always felt stupid for not coming up with anything better to say to others than "I'm sorry for your loss." I now realize a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is about the best thing somebody can say.

That said, we didn't tell too, too many people, but after a point a started mentally compiling a list of stupid/irritating responses. The most annoying to me have been:

God has a plan for all of us

It wasn't meant to be

At least you know you can get pregnant, so you can just try again when you're ready

And the worst - a friend of mine said (mind you I am blessed with a little boy) "I was hoping girl for you, but I hate to tell you I was thinking boy for this one" (seriously - WTF!!! - It's better to have a MC than have two of the same gender!)

A time or two my irritation and sarcasm kicked in and when I got the "It wasn't meant to be" my response was "then WTF did I get pregnant?" and for the ole "God has a plan" I replied "so God's plan was to let me get pregnant and then lose the baby?" No need for vulgarity or to make people feel awkward, but I couldn't resist and it felt so good to respond like this to those comments.

cakergirl · December 2013

I thought of you today as my coworkers said "oh just remember its all part of the plan. Everything happens for a reason!" I know people mean well and can't think of anything to say. But still. It doesn't help!

ArmyWife0623 · December 2013

we made the mistake of telling our immediate family right away, figuring they are a great support system with either good or bad. they were amazing by being there, but no matter what they said did not help at all. I didnt want to hear any ''im so sorry'' let alone everything else that they said. (i know they were trying to help, but its one of those things im not sure theres anything that could be said that helps IMO) the it wasnt meant to happen, part of gods plan, maybe there was something wrong, and one i never heard before, you got time. wtf?!! i basically told dh to tell everyone about the m/c and that i didnt want any calls/texts, and i would talk about it on my own time.

its true that no one can ever comprehend the pain of a loss unless they have been through it. so major hugs to all of you, having been through the same, i/we understand each other. if anyone needs to talk or vent, i am here. many hugs, and positive vibes to all.

OnlyGirlInTheHouse · December 2013

We didn't tell anyone about any of it. So I haven't heard a lot of the things you and everyone else are talking about. In fact, my mom is deeply a "God works in mysterious ways" type of Christian, and it's for that exact reason that I haven't told her. She would somehow make the pain hers to bear and tell me that God was trying to teach me something or that God wanted to care for our baby or something equally painful and enraging. So I'm doing this without mom, as I do many things.

But I am commenting here for a positive reason. I did tell one person about the miscarriage: my best friend. She didn't know about the pregnancy, just the miscarriage. I told her in part because I knew that she had had one before, but we had never really talked about it. She said a lot of comforting things to me that I will never remember, but then, one day, I told her about a particularly awful moment that hurt and made me angry, and she said the best and most perfect thing to me, so I am going to say it to you and all the ladies here.

That IS terrible.

That's it. That was the perfect thing. No apology, no consolation. Just agreement that what I am going through is terrible.

So I will say the same to you, in hopes that it will be as comforting to you (and anyone reading) as it is to me.

What you are going though IS terrible.

rubylocks7 · December 2013

One of the nurses at the ER told me "Don't worry, you're young, you have plenty of time." Insensitive enough to say to someone on their first miscarriage, but the second? Seriously... You would think a nurse would know better... Plus, when it comes to child bearing, I wouldn't exactly call 30 young. Just sayin.

aliciapaige82 · December 2013

I'm so so so sorry for your loss and devastation, and know exactly how your feeling. I just went through my miscarriage earlier this past week, but I knew I was miscarrying for about a week and a half now. Most people don't truly know what to say to someone who is going through this, unless they have experienced this themselves, which is the absolute truth. One of my aunt and cousins, both who miscarried, twice, have been a great help to me, and they knew the right things to say. I feel the same way, i started to open up to close family and friends about my miscarriage, and told my mother to let everyone know, text only for now please. It's too difficult to speak over the phone, when I have little control of my emotions. Most people respected that, but I did have two family members call. Not to be rude to them, but I can't call right now. Only message them. Hope they understand, and if they don't, I don't care anymore. My inner bitch has been unleashed, and I just don't give a crap. I'm sure your feeling the same way. I've had a few people tell me to stay positive, and so forth,..and it's hard to feel that, when I just have to feel how I am truly feeling. If I'm angry, I'm going to be angry! If I'm sad, I will choose to be sad! I don't want to hear from anyone how I am supposed to feel. The best thing I heard from one of my good friends who miscarried at 5 months two years ago

is to cry it out, and don't feel bad. Do whatever you feel you want and need to too. Do things that make you feel happy, and if your feeling sad, that I can call or text her anytime. She's out of state, so I can't hug her, but her words hugged me. Certain things people may say to you, need to go in one ear, and out the other. Some people feel terribly, but they just aren't sure exactly what to say. Sometimes, when they listen, and say little that'd better, then having a lecture from someone. I'm sorry again for everything that your going through and complete understand. And I'm here if you want to chat, about the good, the bad and the ugly. Xoxo hugs

aliciapaige82 · December 2013

After reading some of your posts, I feel the same way.. I'm not a super religious, but I am a spiritual person,,.and have heard from both my mother, and mother in law that " it's not in gods plan", and " this wasn't meant to me now, but it will happen when the time is right", ..I'm sorry that I feel so aggravated when people say that. Gods plan? May be or may not be...it's probsbly just nature working itself out i keep feeling myself. And it is terrible! Most people are too scared to just say it straight, how it truly feels. I like to think myself as an open minded and spiritual indivual,, and live by the words "to each their own"...who know why this happens...insure don't. But my mother in law who likes to think of herself as oh so holy, and she always think she knows everything, that she's ways right, (on her high horse) tells me it's gods way of working itself out, that god didn't want this to happen now, that it's gods plan, etc..etc...I just didn't need to hear all of that from her. I know she thinks she means well.. But she always puts her foot in her mouth. I believe in what I believe and I don't have to explain it to anyone... And although I don't want to admit it to myself, it wasn't god, but NATURES way of my body dealing with this. I feel like it's easier for me to accept that... Ugh, there nothing anyone can say to make it all better...but I'm for you all as well. Much love.

Glow360 · December 2013

I am sorry now for posting something so crass below...my hormones are leveling out and I feel like a crazy angry tiger. It is just a vent for me after having people say mean stuff. Please forgive me now and don't read if you get offended easily.
Not knowing what to say is laziness. Unless you were raised in a jungle with a bear named Baloo, you know better. Loss is not new for anybody. It is experienced by 100% of the worlds population from the beginning of life itself. That's right. 4.54 billion years and nobody knows what to say when there has been a loss?? Ummm...no. Are we not that evolved? It is not rocket science to learn that less is more and that saying, "I am sorry for your loss," is better than, "I will share my baby with you." There is just a factor of common sense that can't be ignored, especially when we live in our day and age now with plenty of resources on knowing what to say. It is the ultimate act of laziness. The end.

Glow360 · December 2013

P.s. I was told yesterday that I was looking pregnant. I explained what had happened and they responded by saying this, "God swept down and took the baby himself." Yep. Thanks.

OnlyGirlInTheHouse · December 2013

Glow360 said:

P.s. I was told yesterday that I was looking pregnant. I explained what had happened and they responded by saying this, "God swept down and took the baby himself." Yep. Thanks.

What. The. F...... That is outrageous. I am so sorry you had to encounter such an idiot.

cakergirl · December 2013

Mine: 1) well look on the bright side, having kids isn't all its cracked up to be. Next time you think about trying to get pregnancy just ask to borrow mine and you will change your mind about wanting any! 2) (in regards to struggling to get pregnant tehn having MC#1) "well if its going to happen its good that it happened to a rich doctor like you (I am a primary care physican) because you probably have one of those good insurance plans that covers in vitro for free"....... Really!? I wasn't aware that miscarriage infertility was ever a "good thing" for anybody or that being a "rich doctor" (with >$165k in student loans, health insurance that has a $200 monthly premium,$3500 deductible and no maternity/fertility coverage, in a job that grants me essentially zero maternity leave) entitled me to free insurance coverage for fertility treatments, hmm guess I will need to look into that (sarcasm).

aliciapaige82 · December 2013

Glow360- The first two things you stated that someone told you that it was a blessing in disguise, and the second, that it's a good thing that you weren't further along...I had people tell me those exact things too. I was furious and upset. I haven't really thought about it, because I kept ignoring stupid comments made toward me, but now that I think about it, it really gets under my skin. And if I hear that one more time from anyone, even my own family i feel that I will flip. Not even knowing, but even close family has said things like that to me, which I was in no mood to hear. I know they all mean well... But I would never in my right mind even say that to someone who is going through a loss, so yes I hear you. Esp this time of year, everyone wants to try and say something to uplift you, but they don't realize it'd not helpful, but hurtful. Ugh, I can go on and on.... I'm anxious about my belated Chanukah dinner with my entire family on my moms side tomorrow...I know my cousins, and aunts and uncles are all saddened for me, but I've been texting everyone only, and said no phone calls until I'm ready. Tomorrow will be the first time that I'm face to face with my family, who it do love and adore, but I'm not ready to discuss it with them...I really am not ready for comments that might come out wrong. Hopefully they will think before they speak. Even my own mother is walking on eggshells with me, trying not to say the wrong thing...but she's been great telling everyone else not to call me, texting only. Anyway, that felt good to get off my chest, thanks.

HollynLeana · December 2013

@dkizzire82 @3purpleroses sad to see you both here.....my love to you

NVALDEZ21 · December 2013

I completely understand everyone...I lost my baby in October

kikimeemee · December 2013

I remember hearing my grandma say of her miscarriages, "My two miscarriages were harder than my 6 'normal' pregnancies combined." It really validates the pain I am going through b/c MCs are very hard!!!

People do say some very ignorant things. I try to tell as few people as possible b/c it just doesn't make me feel any better. I told my sister about my MC as we are very close and the phone call dropped twice. Would you believe she never called me to hear the rest of the story, nor did she return my two calls a few days later?! She has a 1.5 y/o, is a SAHM and can't be bothered, I guess. It's a lonely world when you have a MC, so I am very grateful for this discussion board!!

francisc · December 2013

I think the best response I've heard was "I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself". It acknowledges that it's hard what we're going through and let's us work through our grief the best we can. I wish more people realized that. I have to admit that before this miscarriage, I would have likely said one of these insensitive comments.

BkBaby118 · January 2014

These are all awful responses to hear (especially @traceyt07, @rswagler, @srcr2011, and @MrsDL) and I'm so sorry for everyone's losses. I'm going through my 2nd MC in a row right now (1st time was D&C, this time I started spotting and am taking Cytotec), and I don't know if we'll tell anyone about this one. Both times, no one even knew I was pregnant. Last time, we ended up telling our immediate families, and I told very few close friends. I didn't really want to talk about it though, so the awkward comments were kept to a minimum. It was best just to hear, "I'm so sorry," but I agree that people who don't know what we're going through have no context in which to respond appropriately. I personally don't like being told, "It's really common." True, miscarriages can happen in up to 25% of pregnancies, and clearly it does happen more than it should (I mean, look at all of us) but it doesn't seem to be happening to everyone else. In our immediate families, with both our mothers and sisters, there have been 11 pregnancies resulting in 11 births of healthy children. By saying it's common, I know people probably mean "You're not alone" or " Don't feel bad, it happens a lot," but I hear it more as "It's not that big of a deal." 2013 was a sad year. I hope 2014 is better for everyone.

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Things not to say to a women who is miscarrying!! (may have some swearing)

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