He asked when I was going to do the dishes

lifeonthehill · December 2013

Oh H. I was working 60 hour weeks from early August until Thanksgiving. In that time I still did all of the house work except dishes which we only need to do once a week. I did everything else. I asked H once to put the laundry in the dryer while I was at the night shift. He said he would. When I got up for work the next morning the clothes were in the washer and smelled horrid. No big deal. I rewashed them and got a different outfit together. Never said a word.
Now I am only working 25-30 hours a week and I have continued to do my chunk of the housework. Today DH is getting ready for his 2nd boys night this week (which I am against but I know he has had a stressful week and needs to unwind so I let it go). When he goes to grab a shot glass from the cupboard there were none and he asked me when I was going to do the dishes.I literally laughed out loud and went to switch the laundry. When I got back he asked me why not and I explained that when I had been crazy busy he didn't ever offer to help. He said "oh" and rushed out the door. I think he felt bad.
The dishes will be in the sink when he gets home tonight.

So here is my question for today. Is there one chore you do exclusively and one your H does exclusively?

TikiTurtle · December 2013

I do the laundry, he mows the lawn. Everything else is pretty interchangeable.

Ducktale · December 2013

We have some that we tend to do more, but sometimes circumstances change so we'll do whatever needs to get done. I cook, he does the dishes from the meal. He takes out the garbage, takes the cars for maintenance, and the laundry. I grocery shop, dust, and pay the bills. Everything else we divide up as they need to get done. We've fallen into a rhythm over time.

The only think I don't feel like we have a good handle on is just picking up after ourselves. Neither of us are good at it, so everyday to me it feels like our house is a mess. The difference is, it bothers me so every night I pick up, but it doesn't bother DH (he says he doesn't even really see it) so he doesn't unless I specifically ask (emphasis on specific..like can you put item x away). Someday...

lifeonthehill · December 2013

Nicb13 said:

We are both so busy and do so much that we don't have time to point the finger when something doesn't get done.

I agree to this. Right now I am just irritated that because he works ten hours more a week than me he seems to think I should do it all. I feel like if he wasn't running off with the boys two nights in a row he would have had time to do them. If he was working OT it would be completely different.

Ducktale · December 2013

There have been some periods in my life where I've worked less than DH/part time, and I would do more of the housework/errands. Seemed obvious since I had more time (we have no kids yet), and I would rather do the housework when I'm by myself than have DH come home and have to do the housework, I'd rather us spend the time together. However...DH definitely would do some of the work. It was never all on me.

lifeonthehill · December 2013

Ducktale said:

There have been some periods in my life where I've worked less than DH/part time, and I would do more of the housework/errands. Seemed obvious since I had more time (we have no kids yet), and I would rather do the housework when I'm by myself than have DH come home and have to do the housework, I'd rather us spend the time together. However...DH definitely would do some of the work. It was never all on me.

That is all I want.
We were both raised in households where the women do it all. I am having to hold my ground about him helping and he is having to learn to help. It has been an experience.

GavinIsMyBabyBear · December 2013

i wish we could get some king of system working. little back story... DH is a stay home dad. he goes to school monday and wednesdays and has an online class to do as well. I work full time (3 13 hour shifts a week tues-thurs) and go to school full time online.... well the 3 days i am at work nothing gets done in the house. It drives me nuts! so we spend all day friday getting the house back to normal... we divide and conquer and the house gets done but it sucks. I have tried suggesting that he do a few things during the days im at work like run the vacuum dust the living room but he says everything is to hard to do with a toddler. so for now i just clean clean clean on fridays and hope that we get a system down eventually.

oh im also the only one who does laundry we say we are going to split it ( i take care of all the clothes and he does linens and towels) but after he kept leaving my towels in the washer overnight, not rewashing them and then leaving them on top of the dryer i decided to just take over doing them

lifeonthehill · December 2013

Nicb13 said:

alyssaames said:

Nicb13 said:

We are both so busy and do so much that we don't have time to point the finger when something doesn't get done.

I agree to this. Right now I am just irritated that because he works ten hours more a week than me he seems to think I should do it all. I feel like if he wasn't running off with the boys two nights in a row he would have had time to do them. If he was working OT it would be completely different.

Sounds like you're more angry about boys night....?

Haha boys night is in the apartment below us. I really don't mind. He has one weekly and wanders down another night or two a week. He is the only married one in our dorm building so there is always something going on. Haha.

ETA: I am not living in a dorm as a student we work at a boarding school.

lifeonthehill · December 2013

Joy2611 said:
I will say he's excellent as realizing we're out of wine and re-stocking. Can't figure out that we need paper towels when the roll is empty, but can definitely notice the lack of alcohol. Good job, husband. Good job.

Haha. H always makes sure I have a bottle of Kahluah is the cabinet and a bottle ok SKYY in the freezer. Wine for him. When he grocery shops we may not have milk but we do have alcohol.

easilyunamused · December 2013

We have certain things that we each do. I almost always take care of the laundry. He's supposed to always take the garbage/recycling out and I almost always have to tell him too.

He always gets breakfast in the morning ready during the work week and I make the coffee. It's been easier to do since we got the Kruig as a wedding gift. I really love french press coffee more though.

MrsChanceW · December 2013

In our house we live by the rule 'If you have time to bitch about it you have time to clean it". Chores are pretty much split 50/50.

toribrite · December 2013

Hubby takes the garbage out. I do most of the dishes, but he puts the clean ones away. We still have separate laundry- so that is split evenly. I pay most of the bills but he helps me budget. The other cleaning is done by whoever has the time when it needs to be done.

bugandbibs · December 2013

We got a maid and a gardener to prevent some of the frustration you are feeling. The basics get done and we don't argue. We each do our own laundry and share stuff related to the girls equally (more or less).

The only think I do completely is the grocery shopping. MH spends way too much by himself. I think it helps that I don't just clean up after him silently seething. When I need help, I ask. When things get out of control, like the mail pile, I say something.

lifeonthehill · December 2013

I did the dishes. He came upstairs to grab a sweatshirt and noticed. He feels really bad now and apologized for the comment about me needing to them. Haha.
This is our only issue. I shouldn't feel bad for not being the housewife I was raised to be and he shouldn't expect it and then feel guilty after. Oh well. Something we will have to keep working on.

It's nice to see that so many of you seem to have a good system worked out!

Jags8 · December 2013

I am the only one who does laundry (unless he needs to wash hunting clothes). DH never bothers to separate colors and doesn't fold the way I like, so I would rather just do it! And I suppose I am the only one who "tidies up" but that's cuz I enjoy it.

Otherwise everything else is shared. When he was deployed, I did everything myself so I'm used to it all. Though I really wouldn't mind if DH shoveled every time, cuz I hate it!

CowgirlK39 · December 2013

I do pretty much everything. DH is laid off and I still do everything. He will do laundry while I am at work though, since it has Togo to a laundromat, and he finally realized that if he doesn't put his stuff in the proper container before I take it, it will not get done. He does cook most of the time too. All housework is done by me. DH does the lawn and the garbage (only if I remind him or he will miss the truck). But you know what.... It works like this. If I tell him to do something, I usually come home to see things are in weird places, or something was done incorrectly (like the time one of my work shirts came out looking like something Britney Spears would have worn in the early 2000s). I do get mad when his crap is all over the place but there's nothing I can do about it.

MariaBend25 · December 2013

I always cook since he can't (literally), and he cleans the dishes and the mess I made in the kitchen since I hate that job...although if it is super messy he hands me the rag haha. But we don't really "split" chores, if something needs to get done one of us will take care of it. Someone noticed the floor was getting dirty (thanks, dog) then they vacuum/swifter. I typically clean the bathroom since I don't mind it too much, but he will clean it up if I haven't had time to get around to it. Since we are both neat freaks things stay pretty clean.

Although... we are currently living 3 time zones apart on separate coasts soooo gotta do it all oursleves! Can't wait to have a buddy system again when he gets off for Christmas!

The OP (and multiple other posters) seemed like she wanted to vent about her husband more than ask the question...so I wonder if you all have talked to your husbands about it? It sounds like OP is overwhelmed and although you might be able to laugh it off and deal with it now, that may change and you might start resenting him. Nip it in the bud now if it is truly causing you trouble/frustration. If it is a one-time thing (didn't sound like it but maybe you posted in a frustrated moment) then ok, I get it, sometimes one partner slacks off for a bit due to certain circumstances. Either way just talk to him, he might be as understanding as you are about your own circumstances that warrant him doing more to help out. And don't keep caving!

yellowrose314 · December 2013

Ducktale said:

There have been some periods in my life where I've worked less than DH/part time, and I would do more of the housework/errands. Seemed obvious since I had more time (we have no kids yet), and I would rather do the housework when I'm by myself than have DH come home and have to do the housework, I'd rather us spend the time together. However...DH definitely would do some of the work. It was never all on me.

This is what DH and I have done over the years. Although there have been periods, specifically when DH was borderline laid off (down to about 1 shift a week), where I've had to mention to him "since you're home all day..." but for the most part we share most duties. We both do our own laundry, mostly because I have a whole bunch of clothes that are hang to dry only, and after he ruined a bunch of my lacy lady underthings, he just sticks to his own laundry. The only thing we disagree over is who last cleaned the cats shit box, because really, that's the shittiest job ever (no pun intended).

On the flip side, there are things that just I or just DH does. He does all the yard work/car stuff/heavy duty stuff. I do almost all of the cooking, but he does all the baking. But I like it that way. Plus if I cook, he does the dishes

Bree59 · December 2013

No, I pretty much do everything. We are suppose to take turns on the dishes but he never does them. He will say every night he'll do them today then tomorrow, etc. But after a week passes I give in and do them. That sounds bad on my part now that I see it in writing. Maybe I should put my foot down?

lifeonthehill · December 2013

@Kimbus22 We live/work at a boarding school and are fed three meals a day at the dining hall on campus. Generally our sink fills up with glasses and MAYBE a plate from a quick sandwich if DH is really busy in the office. We rinse it all out so nothing gets gross and generally wash them on Sunday.

lifeonthehill · December 2013

MariaBend25 said:

The OP (and multiple other posters) seemed like she wanted to vent about her husband more than ask the question...so I wonder if you all have talked to your husbands about it? It sounds like OP is overwhelmed and although you might be able to laugh it off and deal with it now, that may change and you might start resenting him. Nip it in the bud now if it is truly causing you trouble/frustration. If it is a one-time thing (didn't sound like it but maybe you posted in a frustrated moment) then ok, I get it, sometimes one partner slacks off for a bit due to certain circumstances. Either way just talk to him, he might be as understanding as you are about your own circumstances that warrant him doing more to help out. And don't keep caving!

DH and I have talked about it in the past. Which is why he does dishes. We will be talking again about how he needs to help and we will be good again. I know it sounds stupid but I really feel like we get better about it and then in a few months we fall back into woman=cleaning man=job and play. Then we have a night like last night and then we talk it out and its all good again. Hopefully over time it will stretch longer and longer and we will just adjust fully. Yes my OP was a vent that sparked a question.

Melissa51212 · December 2013

My H is a chef (with normal hours) and just better at homekeeping then I am. He pretty much does everything (cook/clean). I pay the bills and do the more administrative stuff to keep the house going and somehow the bathrooms and pets became my primary role but other than that he really keeps up with all the cleaning. Laundry we take turns, whoever needs clothes will ask the other one if they want to throw something in for them. We have a pretty good system.

linnae939 · December 2013

I just do dishes, he just does laundry...but he was really stressed about work and I did a load (very rare...i was out of underwear haha) and...i was sick all week AND THE DISHES COVERED EVERY SURFACE IN OUR KITCHEN! i finally said something...and they got done, but it never occured to him to do them ( It didn't help that I was away for three days and there was already backup from that...)

SmileyJay · December 2013

We both just do whatever it takes to keep the house clean and everything where it goes... no chore schedule or any deals worked out. I probably do laundry a little more because I have way more clothes and enjoy it. I vacuum a lot more than he does and do the things he just doesn't notice like toilets... but he would do either one of those if I asked I am sure. He washes dishes more and does all the yard work and takes the trash out. I have never mowed the lawn or taken the trash out, but I do gardening. He usually does the dishes while I'm cooking. If I'm sick like I have been for about a week he does everything that needs to be done and is so amazing. I would feel twice as sick if the house were a wreck.

After reading some of these comments I feel so spoiled. My husband was raised with just his working mom and two sisters so I think it stems from seeing me as a total equal and knows that he has to do 50%. If one of us worked more than the other that would change I'm sure.

tlc35 · December 2013

So these threads are always interesting to me since my DH is the "cleaner" one and also has less clothes. I can easily go 3 wks without doing laundry and he has doesn't have enough clothes to last a week. He also is a better cook. I always end up feeling guilty because he throws in a load of laundry before I think of it. Now that I am working OOT during the week it is even more so. Am I the only one who is the "dirty" one?

barely · December 2013

DH hasn't cleaned the bathroom since we've been married, or changed the sheets on our bed. But he does take care of everything outside. Everything else we do together or whoever sees it/has time/feels like it does it!

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