Updated (post meeting) Daycare "bullying" wwyd?

PhillyGal34 · November 2013

I hope you don't mind me popping over here. My local board is dead so I'm hoping you all may help me.

Ds is almost 18 months. For the past month we've had incident reports because another kid keeps scratching his face. The other kid is closer to 2. It's becoming more frequent and seems like she's seeking him out. Last night I picked him up and he had a bandage in his cheek because she walked over to him, grabbed his cheek and left a 1/2" scratch down his face. It was deep and bleeding. I'm livid but held it together and asked for a conference. I was already told that they are having a counselor meet with her and her parents. I do feel like the teachers are upset that it's happening but it keeps happening.

One of my friends said "it's a developmental thing and part of growing up" but I feel like he's being targeted by this kid and I don't want him being all scarred up because of her! He's a little boy and will have his share of bumps and bruises but this seems like too much.

Am I over reacting? What would you do?

bubble515 · November 2013

I would do as you are doing, and make sure that they are filling out incident reports. Is your son the only one she is scratching? If so, they need to keep them apart or put this kid in a "time out" etc when he does.

As far as bullying.. I am going to address it by the law for my state anyway... bullying as it is being motivated by a perceived characteristic....Race, color, religion etc.

Because they are kids, I would agree with your friend that this is developmental. Perhaps also call the mother? I would feel the same as you!

emberlee3 · November 2013

I sorry you are dealing with this. A similar thing happened to DS with a biter at that age. She targeted DS because he was too shy to fight her off, which the other LOs learned to do. DCP did not tell me which child but DS did. After several meetings with teachers, AD and director, they moved DS to a different classroom. Things went smoothly after the switch, although ultimately we changed schools.

thedash · November 2013

I would want a lot more detail from the center about how they are handling the situation on a day to day basis and steps they have taken to keep them apart. A conference with her family sounds like a good step but it won't prevent him from getting scratched tomorrow and the next day. Are they assigning someone to specifically shadow the scratcher, moving her usual targets to other areas, etc?

rubber_chicken · November 2013

This post could totally be about my daughter. She's 18 months and is a scratcher.

First, this is a developmental thing, and it's NOT bullying. I just need to get that out there.

Second, there are things your daycare should be doing to prevent this from happening. The little girl needs to be shadowed, so they can figure out the situations that trigger the scratching. And then prevent those situations, or redirect/intervene as necessary. They need to talk to her about appropriate behavior, and model it for her "we're gentle with our friends, or we keep our hands to ourselves". Her parents should be reinforcing this message at home - every day, we walk to our daughter about being gentle and keeping hands to ourselves.

And most importantly, we cut and file our daughters nails every other day. Lots of kids will hit when they're frustrated, but some kids have fingernails that grow like weeds!

PhillyGal34 · November 2013

oh I should add that they did NOT tell me who it was but I figured it out when I saw her do it to him when I was picking him up. So I can't call the mom because I'm not supposed to know who it is. They have been very careful to not tell me anything that would identify her. the incident reports simply say "a child."

also, I don't really think it is bullying... but I didn't know what to call it. I don't think she is mean or spiteful but I do know that she is only doing it to my son at this point so I feel like it is somewhat targeted

They are completing incident reports and have kept detailed logs (from what they tell me) about what they are doing when it happens or before it happens. The one teacher told me that they had to collect a certain amount of data before they could make the referral. I am not sure what the referral will do which is why I asked for a conference.

As for the school... DS's godmother is the assistant director and it has the highest accreditations in the area... and DS loves it there. I'm so frustrated though and I feel like I get the incident reports and no other information unless I seek it out. I would estimate that he has been scratched at least 20 times in the past month. At first she scratched other kids but they figured it out and stay away from her. DS keeps going back for more and when he doesn't she comes to him (from what I've been able to piece together... they can't give me real specifics but that is the story I have) He's a total sweetheart and I think he's an easy target because he's younger and won't fight back.

thanks for the input ladies. I've never been through this so I'm a bit unsure if I'm being too mama bear or not enough.

PhillyGal34 · November 2013

@rubber_chicken - thanks for your perspective. I really don't think she's a bad kid. She's quite sweet and says hi and runs over to DS when he gets to school. But for some reason he's also her scratching post which is so unbelievably frustrating for me. Every picture of him has a huge scratch across his face from her and we are constantly having to clean out cuts and put stuff on them so that they don't scar. Right now the gash is in the middle of his cheek and really deep... it makes me so upset to see all the time.

I know they recommended that she cut and file them more often (that was one of the early suggestions) but I cannot say with any amount of certainty that they have been doing that. You sound like you are doing everything you can. I hope this stage passes quickly for you!

Also, I know her mom from passing and she is a really really nice woman. I've heard that the little girl is this way with her older brothers who are both scared of her (a mutual friend told me without knowing that my son and her have issues at school... I did not tell her because I don't want this to become a bigger thing than it is). Something is going on and I know I can't have any involvement in it but I want it to stop!

cecilyandgautam · November 2013

We're been dealing with something similar. Earlier this year, my daughter was coming home with bites almost every day from the same girl. I think you need to remember that yes this is normal, but there also are plenty of things to be done about it and as long as those things are being done, you make your peace with it.

I'd start off asking your provider what the standard consequences are for kids when these kinds of altercations happen. Do they get a time out (often called something else, like quiet time alone, for young kids)? Loss of a favorite toy? Some places just say "no scratching" and redirect the kid towards a new shinny toy. This is a popular approach but I wouldn't be satisfied with it, because unfortunately, some children do in fact develop favorite targets for their aggression at a very young age and they're not going to forget just because you plopped them somewhere new. They have to experience some kind of negative consequence to understand that when they scratch/hit/what have you, they also suffer the consequences. So, I think the first step is ensuring that this center actually disciplines the children in some age appropriate way.

While you can't inquire what the other parents are doing at home, you can generally inquire if the other family was informed and given suggestions on how to re-enforce the message that scratching is not okay. Once you have your answer to that, I find it easier to make my peace with it. Knowing that my provider is consistently watching, quick to respond when something does happen, and the other parents are teaching their child no biting lets me know that okay, we've done what we can, kids are kids, and my daughter will be fine. I also recently have been trying to teach my daughter to yell "no" and run away when this other girl is being aggressive.

PhillyGal34 · November 2013

Estwd2 said:

I just read your update and I'm not understanding how you have all of this info if they're not sharing it with you. How do you know it's the same child in each incident if they're not confirming her identity? Or that she's only doing it to your son? Have they said that? Have you discussed her with other parents?

I asked if it was the same child and they said yes. Again, they do not know that I know who it is and did not know at first when they told me that it was the same kid. yesterday I asked if it is only my son and they told me that it is only him at this point. I wanted to know if he was doing anything to trigger it and they said no other than going to play with her. They are very careful to not let on who it is but they can tell me facts that are about my son and not the other child. One of the reasons they are making the referrals that they are making is that it is only him and not a general problem. I am not sure exactly the scope of the referrals but the teacher said that that was a concern.

I have not at any time discussed this with any other parents or other employees there that I know other than his god mother and even then she cannot say much and does not know that I know who it is. I understand that I cannot ask confidential questions and do not ask them because it is not fair to put her in that position. I simply want to know that my son is being taken care of and safe.

I am unsure about how they handle it when it happens and that is one of the reasons I want the conference. I need to know that everything that can be done is done.

mommymegan831 · November 2013

I think your description of this situation is so unfair. A child less than 2, probably even 5 or 6, is not a bully. A kid 5 months older than your child is not that much older/tougher. I would love to have a counselor meet with me and my 18 month old son, what could they really get out of him on why he's scratching. Maybe they're addressing parenting issues, but none of that information should have be shared with you. They need to make sure her nails are cut, and shadow her, and I'd be really concerned with how much information they're giving you. Do you want them talking that much about your LO to other parents?

cecilyandgautam · November 2013

I think all the posts re "how do you know all this information!?" are kind of unreasonable. At age 2, kids talk a lot and they can name other children. The girl who was biting mine every day bit my daughter right in front of me. Of course I know who she is. It would be ridiculous for our provider to pretend she has no idea who's biting my child - occasionally the other parent asks her to pass along an apology to me, so we parents certainly aren't treating our kids identity a secret when it comes to these things. Her mom was the one who referred me to the daycare and I run into her at drop off fairly often, so of course we chat and exchange thoughts on what we can do to manage the biting.

Knowing the details and being to coordinate with the other parents can actually help resolve the situation. I'm not saying the provider should be the one to offer up these details but once the facts are out there in the open, either because the kid can say "Susie scratched me" or because Susie's mom wants to chat with you about it, it's counter productive to pretend it's all a secret, in my opinion.

cecilyandgautam · November 2013

@Estwd2, I get that people can be crazy, but when two kids continuously butt heads and it's not just a one off thing, a proper resolution may indeed require getting both sets of parents in the same room and coordinating their approach. I don't see how you could run a daycare for years on end without ever making this tool available.

emberlee3 · November 2013

The idea of total confidentiality is a bit absurd. LOs this age can talk, parents may see incidents at pickup or drop off, and many centers have webcams. Yes it's developmental but not all children do it nor are all children on the receiving end. It sucked that my DS became upset about going to daycare.
As soon as he switched classrooms, he was happy again. As a parent my priority is that my own kid is safe and happy while I am at work.

KayteeGee · November 2013

@cecilyandgautam I applaud you for having a nearly-2 year old who can tell you with perfect accuracy who did what and when.

My nearly-3 year old has "told me" who bit him - once it was a child WHO IS NO LONGER AT THE CENTER.... so, yeah....take everything your toddler says as FACT. Totally good start.

And I think you are out of your mind if you think two sets of parents-of-2-year-olds can come together and hash out a solution to one child biting another in a situation that neither set of parents has seen and that neither set will be present to monitor in the future.

Really, what do you think can come of this? "Oh, I am so so sorry! We will go home and have a solid, rational conversation about keeping our teeth to ourselves with Betsy, right away. If it doesn't work, we'll punish her at home as well." Last time I checked 2-year-olds don't understand "rational conversations" or punishments meted out hours after incidents.

I'm not sure if this center is doing all they can, but I'd be very concerned about any daycare that didn't respect confidentiality. Kids get scratched, they get bit... Centers are equipped (or should be) to handle it. Sounds like @PhillyGal34 is doing right by listening and asking questions ... here's hoping they do a better job of shadowing.

sillygirlio · November 2013

Let me give it to you from the perspective of a person who has worked with large numbers of children for a long time. First, it's not bullying. Kids aren't able to do that until much later. It is possible that two children that age simply don't like each other... I've seen plenty of that, after all these are people we're talking about, not robots. People are able to dislike other people at all ages. That doesn't seem to be the case here since the scratcher runs to greet your child.

I would try to take this in stride. This happens ALL THE TIME, it's just that this time it's happening to you. It's nothing personal about you or your child. This little girl is just trying to get along in the world. Also, I fail to see how this is a red flag regarding the center. DCPs don't want your child to be hurt any more than you do, but since children are humans there is only so much that can be done. Yes, they can shadow the offender... but I've spent days shadowing children who still managed to hurt other kids while I'm standing right there. Once a kid I was practically on top of bit an other kid on the face while I was standing right next to him. I turned my head to see what was happening elsewhere in the room and in that second he bit her on the face. Now in this situation the kid was three and was very aggressive due to deplorable parenting and likely some other issues and he was eventually termed... but even in normal situations, kids are fast... my point is that we can't prevent everything.

I'm always slightly entertained by the attitude that I perceive about daycare providers on this board, and in my life in general... I could be wrong, but it seems like many parents like to think we're unintelligent, or lazy, or that bad things happen only because we're being neglectful or otherwise "bad" at our jobs. Providing care to children is a HARD job. We're doing the best we can, but we can't prevent everything. It's simply not possible. That being said, I know it's not fun to watch your child get hurt and I hope they can find a solution for you.

cecilyandgautam · November 2013

KayteeGee said:

@cecilyandgautam I applaud you for having a nearly-2 year old who can tell you with perfect accuracy who did what and when.

My nearly-3 year old has "told me" who bit him - once it was a child WHO IS NO LONGER AT THE CENTER.... so, yeah....take everything your toddler says as FACT. Totally good start.

And I think you are out of your mind if you think two sets of parents-of-2-year-olds can come together and hash out a solution to one child biting another in a situation that neither set of parents has seen and that neither set will be present to monitor in the future.

Really, what do you think can come of this? "Oh, I am so so sorry! We will go home and have a solid, rational conversation about keeping our teeth to ourselves with Betsy, right away. If it doesn't work, we'll punish her at home as well." Last time I checked 2-year-olds don't understand "rational conversations" or punishments meted out hours after incidents.

I'm not sure if this center is doing all they can, but I'd be very concerned about any daycare that didn't respect confidentiality. Kids get scratched, they get bit... Centers are equipped (or should be) to handle it. Sounds like @PhillyGal34 is doing right by listening and asking questions ... here's hoping they do a better job of shadowing.

I think you missed most of my post.

KayteeGee · November 2013

I just find it funny that there's this idea that the families of 2-year-olds should "coordinate their approach" ...

I have no idea what I'd have done had I been in that situation when my son was being constantly bitten... What should that family's "approach" be?

KayteeGee · November 2013

cecilyandgautam said:

KayteeGee said:

@cecilyandgautam I applaud you for having a nearly-2 year old who can tell you with perfect accuracy who did what and when.

My nearly-3 year old has "told me" who bit him - once it was a child WHO IS NO LONGER AT THE CENTER.... so, yeah....take everything your toddler says as FACT. Totally good start.

And I think you are out of your mind if you think two sets of parents-of-2-year-olds can come together and hash out a solution to one child biting another in a situation that neither set of parents has seen and that neither set will be present to monitor in the future.

Really, what do you think can come of this? "Oh, I am so so sorry! We will go home and have a solid, rational conversation about keeping our teeth to ourselves with Betsy, right away. If it doesn't work, we'll punish her at home as well." Last time I checked 2-year-olds don't understand "rational conversations" or punishments meted out hours after incidents.

I'm not sure if this center is doing all they can, but I'd be very concerned about any daycare that didn't respect confidentiality. Kids get scratched, they get bit... Centers are equipped (or should be) to handle it. Sounds like @PhillyGal34 is doing right by listening and asking questions ... here's hoping they do a better job of shadowing.

I think you missed most of my post.

Maybe I misinterpreted it.

cecilyandgautam · November 2013

KayteeGee said:

I just find it funny that there's this idea that the families of 2-year-olds should "coordinate their approach" ...

I have no idea what I'd have done had I been in that situation when my son was being constantly bitten... What should that family's "approach" be?

Well if you are genuinely curious, the other mom and I coordinated our language so both girls were hearing the same phrase and could repeat it to each other when things got tense. There are certain privileges at daycare that they decided would be taken away when their child bit anyone and I agreed the same rule should apply to my kid, who occasionally hit or bit back. At drop offs, we both say something along the lines of "Okay, what at the rules? No biting, no hiting, no scratching, no pushing. Only gentle playing, ok? Have a good day!" Since the other mom and I have on going communication, I know she wouldn't be offended if I said that while her daughter is standing right next to mine. If I didn't have a chance to chat with the other mom, then I'd be wondering if I'm over stepping by doing this with her kid.

Honestly, I can't imagine trying to handle this situation that we faced with a wall of silence from the other family. We were doing everything we could, we coordinated with DCP, and the other family was doing everything they could. But if I hadn't known that, if I had no idea whether the other family knew or cared about the severity of the situation, I'm not sure how I would have handled it. I probably would have had a much harder time empathizing with this other child and we probably would have figured out who it was anyway.

TheBorg7of9 · November 2013

Can't they just cut her nails short?

KayteeGee · November 2013

cecilyandgautam said:

KayteeGee said:

I just find it funny that there's this idea that the families of 2-year-olds should "coordinate their approach" ...

I have no idea what I'd have done had I been in that situation when my son was being constantly bitten... What should that family's "approach" be?

Well if you are genuinely curious, the other mom and I coordinated our language so both girls were hearing the same phrase and could repeat it to each other when things got tense. There are certain privileges at daycare that they decided would be taken away when their child bit anyone and I agreed the same rule should apply to my kid, who occasionally hit or bit back. At drop offs, we both say something along the lines of "Okay, what at the rules? No biting, no hiting, no scratching, no pushing. Only gentle playing, ok? Have a good day!" Since the other mom and I have on going communication, I know she wouldn't be offended if I said that while her daughter is standing right next to mine. If I didn't have a chance to chat with the other mom, then I'd be wondering if I'm over stepping by doing this with her kid.

Honestly, I can't imagine trying to handle this situation that we faced with a wall of silence from the other family. We were doing everything we could, we coordinated with DCP, and the other family was doing everything they could. But if I hadn't known that, if I had no idea whether the other family knew or cared about the severity of the situation, I'm not sure how I would have handled it. I probably would have had a much harder time empathizing with this other child and we probably would have figured out who it was anyway.

Alright, I see where you're coming from and I'm glad it worked for you.

I also think (not being snarky, really) that your daughter sounds really advanced compared to some of the 2 yo that I know.

And that you're lucky you had another set of parents who were on the same page as you. In my experience that is not always the case.

BTW, I don't disagree that at this age it's easy to find out who the biter is, but I still think confidentiality is really important.

PhillyGal34 · November 2013

I want to reiterate that no one told me who it was. No one. I saw her do it once and it is a class of 8 kids. 2 are crawling and two just joined his class. That leaves 3 kids. It was easy to figure out.

I have no plans to approach the other mom. I'm sure she's upset and embarrassed. She's not a bad person.

I already clarified that I don't really think it is bullying but I could not think of a better word

I am leaving this to the daycare providers whom I do trust. I am not a professional in this area and they are. I think that both of his teachers are upset about this and they have both reached out to me to let me know that they are not happy with what is going on. I know that they have to work within the confines of the center's rules and guidelines.

And my son was over two months premature therefore even though he's 18 months old he's a little bit smaller than other students his age and this girl is much bigger than he is. So physically she is much stronger and faster then he is.

KayteeGee · November 2013

Nicb13 said:

KayteeGee said:

I just find it funny that there's this idea that the families of 2-year-olds should "coordinate their approach" ...

I have no idea what I'd have done had I been in that situation when my son was being constantly bitten... What should that family's "approach" be?

You might find it amusing but it's a valid suggestion when it sounds like the OP might be grasping at straws to find a solution. If this were happening to my child, I would try anything and everything I could possibly think of to find a solution. Anything.
20 incidents in a month blows my mind. I would be livid with the DC for letting this continue.

I hear you. 20x in one month is NUTS (I actually don't think I even saw that part) and I'm not AT ALL saying I wouldn't want to talk to the parents, because, like you, I would be livid and be game to do anything as well at that rate.

I just misinterpreted what cecily was saying - I thought she was implying that Centers SHOULD do cross-family conferences in these situations. And frankly, I don't necessarily think they should (and that's just my opinion based on my feeling that confidentiality is important to all sides; note that I, too, have the bitee, not the biter) and I legitimately didn't see how that could help. I'm REALLY glad that she was able to have that kind of conversation and that it worked. I think that is AWESOME.

So... I misinterpreted what she wrote to be more directive than she'd intended and also I didn't get it; now I do.

PhillyGal34 · November 2013

I forgot to mention the incidents are not always occurring when the two main teachers are in the room. Some incidents are occurring before or after daycare or during transition periods or when there is coverage. In fact I believe many of the incidents are during those times but I'll have to check before our meeting next week.

mommymegan831 · November 2013

PhillyGal34 said:

oh I should add that they did NOT tell me who it was but I figured it out when I saw her do it to him when I was picking him up. So I can't call the mom because I'm not supposed to know who it is. They have been very careful to not tell me anything that would identify her. the incident reports simply say "a child."

also, I don't really think it is bullying... but I didn't know what to call it. I don't think she is mean or spiteful but I do know that she is only doing it to my son at this point so I feel like it is somewhat targeted

They are completing incident reports and have kept detailed logs (from what they tell me) about what they are doing when it happens or before it happens. The one teacher told me that they had to collect a certain amount of data before they could make the referral. I am not sure what the referral will do which is why I asked for a conference.

As for the school... DS's godmother is the assistant director and it has the highest accreditations in the area... and DS loves it there. I'm so frustrated though and I feel like I get the incident reports and no other information unless I seek it out. I would estimate that he has been scratched at least 20 times in the past month. At first she scratched other kids but they figured it out and stay away from her. DS keeps going back for more and when he doesn't she comes to him (from what I've been able to piece together... they can't give me real specifics but that is the story I have) He's a total sweetheart and I think he's an easy target because he's younger and won't fight back.

thanks for the input ladies. I've never been through this so I'm a bit unsure if I'm being too mama bear or not enough.

her son is 18 months old. My 18 month old says a handful of words, and so did DD when she was that age. 18 month olds do not talk alot and it takes a very long time, atleast 2 1/2, before kids are doing more than just answering questions, like talking about kids at school.

Mrs.RockyM · December 2013

Kids are kids. Really all you can do is ask the school what they're doing to prevent it, or make sure it doesn't keep happening. Is your child instigating, are they supervising the offender more closely, are they keeping your child and the other child apart, etc.

Don't approach the parent, I'm betting they feel horrible and super embarrassed and it will only make things more awkward for you.

PseudoMama · December 2013

Toddlers scratch, hit and bite. But, if it happens a lot I would honestly blame the DC workers. How many kids are there and why can't they prevent it? What are they doing to discipline? A lot of times, kids only act out at daycare and they are perfect angels at home. So, I wouldn't even blame the parents but ask what the daycare is doing about it. I would demand an action plan.

cedenton · December 2013

I would want to know what will be done if it doesn't stop. Because, let's be honest, it can't keep going on like that. Our old daycare had a policy of three biting incidents and the kids was out. I doubt they were really that strict, but if there were 20 incidents after all other methods had been tried, then I would expect that child to be gone. Scratching shouldn't be any different. The parents should be clipping her nails every night if necessary.

But, yeah, my number one question at the conference would be "What if it doesn't stop? What is the next course of action?.

litzo27 · December 2013

I would be curious on how the meeting went - what did the DC suggest as the next step?

I agree that 20 times in a month is completely out of line. I would have spoken up earlier. At this point I expect the DC worker to shadow the other child ALL the time. If they can't do that physically because of ratios and numbers it's their responsibility to communicate with the parents and remove the other child from the room if that's what it takes. But I also agree that it's not your place to talk to the other parents, even if you do know who it is. However, I would not leave this in status quo - if I didn't get the resolution which leads to a stop of this behavior then my child would be leaving.

PhillyGal34 · December 2013

The meeting is tomorrow morning so I will let you know how it goes.

the ratio is 8 kids to 2 teachers.

I did speak up earlier and was told that things were being done. I wanted to give it time to work (I know change does not happen overnight) but when I didn't see any change and saw that she was actually seeking him out to scratch him I got more upset.

She has not scratched him the last two days. Maybe the break for the holiday broke the cycle? wishful thinking.

I believe I said this a few times but I have never and do not plan on ever approaching the other parents. I know the mom (even though again, I'm not supposed to know who the child is, and I am sure she is uncomfortable. I'm not even sure she knows it is my son that she is scratching but I would not want to make things awkward.)

I do know that she is this way at home. her older brothers are treated the same way as my son and are scared of her. I think she's a sweet kid but more than a bit rough. I do not know if the brothers instigate it or anything and cannot speak to what goes on at home of course.

DH and I talked about everything in depth and our questions are going to be
what has been done
what is being done
what will be done
what if none of this works
is there anything we can do? (We have been told time and time again that DS is not instigating anything and that most times he is sitting with other kids or alone and playing and she comes to him)

if we do not get answers that work for us we will be looking for a new daycare. He really loves it there and we like that his godmother is there but if I will not allow this to continue.

litzo27 · December 2013

Ok, good luck tomorrow! I really hope you can have a good resolution and stay at the daycare since you like it.

PhillyGal34 · December 2013

Update- I just had the meeting. Present was the director, one of his teachers, and the behavioral counselor, my husband and myself.

We started with voicing our concerns and the reason we asked for the meeting. I indicated that I was frustrated and concerned that nothing was changing. They advised me of the steps they had taken which included a lot of observation by the behavioral counselor and a lot of data collection and what they are doing now. They are implementing a lot more separation for the class in general but specifically with this child and my son. (we also learned that he is not the only child now but of course they were careful to not say a lot but they said they are separating her from the children effected). One of the issues they have in this classroom is that this group of children tends to want to be together at all times. Many classes have some kids that will want to play in one center and others in another. This class will not separate on their own and when they are divided they focus on the other half unless they are all doing the same thing. It is just the dynamics of this group.

So they are keeping them apart when they are in various situations (separate tables, separate buggies for walks, etc) and then keeping them apart by division of the class for other activities.

They mentioned that my son is (in my words for clarity) "100% boy" and wants to play by rolling around and being physically engaged. he is the only boy in the class as I mentioned and some of the girls don't like that. This one does engage in physical play but then reaches a point where she gets tired or done with it and that is when the incidents seem to happen. It also seems to be related to certain toys or items that have been taken away.

One thing that really hit me was how much anxiety this is causing me. How I get so upset before I even pick him up wondering if it happened again. I broke down in tears during the meeting (which is not like me at all) and said that I just want this to all pass. Unfortunately I'm not sure it is going to immediately but I know that it is being taken seriously and that they are on top of it.

My other concern was her nails. They said that they did talk to the parent and that they will continue to follow up with them. Looking back I wish I had asked if they could do a daily nail check and let the mom know when they consider them too long. I may bring it up when I drop him off tomorrow because the teacher that was there at the meeting won't be there when I pick him up.

So all in all nothing major is changing but I know that they are working on this. DH and I will talk more about it tonight when we are alone but he had to leave for a work meeting immediately after the meeting. If things don't change we will have to consider our options but the flip side is what if we go somewhere else and he has to deal with a biter or something. I know this is a developmental thing so I'm not sure we can avoid it even if we try unless we keep him home with a nanny.... which we do not want.

I really appreciate all of your help and suggestions and understanding with this and if you have other suggestions/input I'm open to it. I'm sure I missed things from the meeting which was over an hour long so I'll add as necessary to answer questions but I felt you all deserved an update after all the help you offered!
thanks!

emberlee3 · December 2013

It sounds like they are really trying to work on the issue. In the end, what matters most is how it is affecting your child. If your child is still happy every day, then the approach described in the meeting is reasonable. My child went from being a happy-to-go-to-school kid to crying every morning, say, "No, no, no," refusing to put his shoes on, etc. This concerned me and ultimately prompted us to request that the school move DS to a different classroom. His demeanor immediately changed, no adjustment period or anything, so that told me it was the right decision. Whether it was the biter herself or the dynamic in that classroom, it wasn't working for DS.
(((Hugs))) and keep us posted.

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