Completely overwhelmed, DH gone for 2 weeks

BMnatz11 · December 2013

DH left yesterday for 2 whole weeks. I am so completely and totally overwhelmed trying to balance a 2 year old and a 1 month old. No family is here to help me, and I really don't think I can get through 2 weeks of this.
DH's family is 6 hours away and I want to stay with them for this time. MIL is great and so helpful. However, DH tells me "you're doing fine, you're strong, you can do it, etc." He tells me "make a routine, deal with one, then the other, let them cry." His mom was going to take the train down today and drive up with me tonight, but now I have to stick it out until Thursday or Friday to see if things "get better." That's what DH wants because he will be disappointed in me if I can't figure out how to do this on my own...people do it all the time.
I feel like he just doesn't and can't understand how incredibly overwhelmed I feel. I know exactly when he will be back and it seems like an eternity because I know my day doesn't end. It's day and night with no break and no help. Even though DH doesn't get up to help at night, at least he had been here in the evening at the very least.
DS is a typical 2 year old and into everything. If DD was a few months older and sleeping more, I'm confident that I would be fine, but with the ages the kids are at right now, I just can't do this by myself. Thanks for the vent, I just needed another outlet and figured you wonderful ladies might understand.

RedZee · December 2013

Let him be disappointed. You can make whatever routine or pan toy want, your kids won't care. If you have the option to be somewhere that you'll get help, be there. When he gets back he can take both kids for a few hours totally on his own and then you can grade him. He's not going to be there, why does he care If you're home or not??

[Deleted User] · December 2013

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tashad18 · December 2013

cdhaslag said:
First of all do not beat yourself up over being overwhelmed or wanting help... This is totally a normal feeling. Speaking as someone who's husband is gone for months/years at a time I totally 100% understand. When DH left to go back to Afghanistan a few weeks ago I paid for my mom to fly out bc I was overwhelmed with just one baby but it's significantly better now.

I do encourage you to try and make it work alone for at least a few of the days whether it be at the beginning or end of his trip. You will feel so successful and strong and have a new lease on your independence but please don't ever hesitate to get that help from his mom if you need it! You need to do what's best for your sanity and for the kids!

Hang in there!

This! Although my DH is out of the military now he works 6 days gone at a time. The first time he went back to work after having LO I was stressed about being alone with a newborn and still running around with our very active older child. I had family 3 hours away on standby in case I decided I needed help, but I felt incredibly independent and strong when I survived it. You will be surprised how well you adapt. That being said, there is nothing to feel bad about if you need help!

CatieG · December 2013

If your DH is disappointed, so be it. Take whatever help you can!
My DH left this morning for 10 days and I'm home alone with an 18 month old and a 7 week old. DH has been urging me to stay with my dad while he's gone but that's actually likely to cause more stress.
Seriously, take the help and relieve some stress. We are all better moms when we're not stressed!

deedee1017 · December 2013

Sorry but why do you have to prove anything to your husband? My husband is gone for up to 12 hours a day at work and I look forward to him coming home so I can do the little things like go to the bathroom in peace, and I only have one LO. going to your MIL's doesn't make you any less capable or weak. Do what you want.

RedZee · December 2013

You also might want to point out to your husband that going to your MIL will mean that your kids get to see their grandparents which will make all of them happy. And it will mean that your kids get more attention and supervision. And he won't come home to an exhausted and stressed out wife and messy house (i don't get much cleaning done when i am on my own with both kids). People do it when there is absolutely no choice. In reality, most people get at least a little help. We're not meant to go it totally alone.

Sorry, your situation has me worked up.

Edit: auto correct errors

bkeane619 · December 2013

My DH was working like crazy the past two months and overnights all over the place. The tv was my friend. So was play doh. It's hard. I had my mom stay over a few times. Take advantage of help.

shelley1002 · December 2013

Do what you need to do. The only one you have to prove anything to is yourself. My DH travels a lot and would think no less of me having family help because I felt overwhelmed.

DETrent · December 2013

Your husband sounds like he needs a few days alone with the kids to understand where you're coming from. It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed, so don't beat yourself up over it! If you need help, there is no shame in asking for it!

germanpickle · December 2013

He isn't there? He doesn't vote. Go.

CousinVicki · December 2013

Lmao is he going to fire you if you fail ???? Sounds like this might be a blessing if he does , adios douche!

BMnatz11 · December 2013

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and understanding. MIL is coming Thursday morning and driving back with the kids and me so I can stay with them.
DH doesn't understand why I need this kind of help, but right now I couldn't care less. I know where my limit is and this situation is pushing it. No matter how much I try to explain how I'm feeling, he doesn't get it.
I really just need some sleep. The more exhausted I get, the more weepy I get, and I just can't do that for the next 2 weeks. This is the most help I'm going to get, so I don't know why it's so wrong to take advantage.
DH is in the military, and while he won't be deploying anytime soon, he will be gone for a month or two at a time a few months down the road. He is worried that if I can't do this now, that how will I do it then. I feel it will be better when DD is a few months older and I've actually slept. I haven't had a break in over a month and I just need it. I just hope this situation doesn't put a strain on our marriage and he comes to realize I really need this help and that doesn't mean that I can't take care of our children when he is gone in the future.

BMnatz11 · December 2013

cdhaslag said:
First of all do not beat yourself up over being overwhelmed or wanting help... This is totally a normal feeling. Speaking as someone who's husband is gone for months/years at a time I totally 100% understand. When DH left to go back to Afghanistan a few weeks ago I paid for my mom to fly out bc I was overwhelmed with just one baby but it's significantly better now.

I do encourage you to try and make it work alone for at least a few of the days whether it be at the beginning or end of his trip. You will feel so successful and strong and have a new lease on your independence but please don't ever hesitate to get that help from his mom if you need it! You need to do what's best for your sanity and for the kids!

Hang in there!

I feel like giving it 4 days right now is enough, and I didn't think about afterwards, but I think I will feel successful at the end. I will welcome the break and help with open arms after that though. We will be driving as a family the day after Christmas from NC to TX, so I'd at least like a little of my sanity before I lose it all on the trip!

Lilpoppy · December 2013

Why on earth Would he be disappointed??? Go!!

palm513 · December 2013

Help is a wonderful thing, and I think we should take full advantage of all we can get. When you have to be alone with young kids the first night is always the worst. And the scariest part of being alone is at the beginning when your looking ahead thinking I have 13 more days of this?

Try to take things slowly. Don't think about him being gone for an eternity, think about getting through the night, breakfast, lunch, nap time, dinner... and so on. As you make it through little mile stones you will find yourself getting ever so slightly more confident(even if more sleep deprived). You can get through it, I know I was feeling the same way you are but the more help I get the more disappointed in myself I get, cause I look back on the day and think I could have handled that situation by myself... So I think you should try to take a few days by yourself, maybe try resting up and coming home a day or two before DH?

RedZee · December 2013

Also, you are only 4 weeks pp. You shouldn't be alone!

NatesCupcake47 · December 2013

My husband is leaving for two days next week and I plan on spending the majority of my daytime at my mothers. Definitely take the help, go to your in-laws if you can.

SnoopyLuv · December 2013

Could you maybe talk to MIL and have her talk to him about not putting so much pressure on you? Christ sakes, you JUST had a baby. That's an unrealistic expectation.

Pickle123 · December 2013

Your hubby sounds charming. #:-S Ass. When he gets back, let him alone with the kids while you do something for yourself!

BMnatz11 · December 2013

@palm513 I do plan on coming back home a couple days before DH gets back, and after having some rest I think I will feel significantly better.

@snoopyluv MIL did talk to DH because I told her that he didn't want me to go. There's no changing his opinion on this. He's going to resent me getting help in the easiest, best way I know how. I'm just going to have to deal with that, which seems better than pulling my hair out and breaking down crying everyday. Maybe one day he will come around.

ETA: also, I'm not one to ever ask for help, so he should realize that I really do need this.

SnoopyLuv · December 2013

You know this isn't how a normal marriage works ,right? Your posts are making me sad. You shouldn't have to deal with him resenting you because you need help. How awful. Is he emotionally abusive in other ways?

lindsaymcc · December 2013

When he leaves in a few months, maybe you could try to find someone to help out and give you a break a couple times a week? A babysitter or mothers helper to use even if you're home - just to give you some "me" time...

BMnatz11 · December 2013

@snoopyluv He thinks he is being supportive by telling me that I should stay here and figure out because he knows I am strong and can do it. He just can't understand all the emotions I am feeling and how much I need this help, especially in the mornings and evenings getting DS food, bath, etc.

@kuhababy I know for a fact that he would not last watching both kids by himself, and he has said he couldn't do it. Apparently I'm super woman.

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