daycare, lack of sleep, and no "schedule."

bubble515 · November 2013

I haven't been on in a while because I've been running on E. I hope it is okay.. I need advice and don't know where else to turn. I need help on what to do because I am at a loss. I have a 14 mo old. I was home the first year and went back to work in Sept. She started DC in July to prep her. She was on a "schedule" with me at home then, although she did not nap much at DC. She is part time there 10-4.

Part of the issue- We work opposite schedules.My DH cares for her in the AM and tries the best that he can. However, every day is typically different as she wakes up at random times, puts her to nap "around the same time" and gets to DC between 10-1130. She never gets there at the same time. She also doesn't nap well there. They also put her to nap at different times each day. She is also not consistently taking an AM nap so when I pick her up I have a kid that slept for an hour at most and her mood can be great or screaming. This is a mess, which I am sure you can tell..

MY DH comes home late at night so he needs to sleep in the AMs. She is a horrible sleeper.. we sleep trained over the summer, which worked. I was home then. In Sept she got sick so of course we took steps back and she came into our bed for a month. I trained again a few weeks ago and we were doing well.. until teething, sickness etc. I am in the process of training her again, however DH is not for it. We will sit there and argue.. as I am watching the clock to go do my checks, praying she sleeps. He will go in there, rock...pick up.. and debate about bringing her in the bed. I then leave for work and he will either rock her or bring her into the bed. Today she ended up in the bed. He says its day by day.. I say she needs a routine...

I have the option of putting her in daycare from 7-4 so she gets on a 'schedule" He can then sleep etc. However, she will never see her dad because when he gets home she's in bed. She will be out the door if he is sleeping in the AM. The only time she will is when he is off two days, which rotate. If its a weekend, great...if its during the week, no. I am so torn but I cant keep doing this on the edge of my seat. It's not good for her...and we keep debating. This has been an ongoing thing since Sept. Any advice?

TheBorg7of9 · November 2013

I'm sorry you're having trouble. I don't have much time to write, but I think you know what you have to do. Prioritize the schedule. And if DH wants to see DD, he's going to have to wake up in the morning to do it. DD should be woken up at the same time everyday. So either he'll have to get up earlier or send her at 7:00 am. It will suck that he doesn't get to see her, but there are weekends. Also, it's probably only for a while. Regarding nighttime, you've got to decide on the rules and stick with them. Maybe even write them down. Can you guys get a babysitter and sit down to decide everything?

djm31012 · November 2013

I dont know if this helps, but my DS is 9.5 mos and hes not on a set schedule either. He wakes up anywhere from 6-7am and he goes to bed btwn 7 and 730pm but thats the most consistency we have. hes in day care 2 days per week and with my SIL 3 days per week...so he takes 2-3 naps per day but never at the same time. there is a morning and afternoon nap (anywhere from 8-930 in the am and anywhere from 12-2 in the afternoon) and occasionally an evening cat nap around 5. At day care he doesnt nap great. Yesterday he slept for an hour and 10 min and thats the best we got. usually its 30-45 min each time. I am fine with it. It works for us. I am not that strict, I go by his cues, but it sounds like your daughter definitely needs to sleep more. I would stick with the sleep training to get her to sleep through the night. Make sure you have a good bed time routine to start it off and shes getting to bed at a reasonable hr. For us its btwn 7-730. For others its earlier. I think you are right with sleep training through the night and keeping her in her own room. If your DH needs the sleep maybe for a week he can sleep in a guest room or on the couch where he wont hear her. Once shes doing well through the night, have your DH wake her at the same time every day. Maybe 830am, have a breakfast routine and get her to day care by 10, so shes there at the same time every day. Allow day care to get her on a nap schedule and on weekends or when shes home follow their schedule--they are good about it. Some centers are strict...when DS moves up to the waddler room, nap time is from 12-2 for everyone every day. Not sleeping is so rough. DS isnt great during the night, its prob 50/50 if he will sleep through the night. I hope it gets easier...i think you are doing the right thing with sleep training-but just be flexible, not everything needs to be the same exact time every day.

jlaOK · November 2013

I don't think she needs to be in daycare full days for her to be on a set schedule. I'm not even too worried about her waking up at different times each morning. I would continue with sleep training (but make sure you and your DH are on the same page first). Then maybe consider going from 2 naps to 1. My DS transitioned to 1 nap when he turned 1 and it was great for him. Make sure daycare is feeding her lunch and putting her down for a nap at the same time every day. I think that will help things a lot.

ccam · November 2013

I found that once we got the nighttime sleep down, the naps sort of fell into place. I think you guys need to get on the same page about sleep training and get into a good routine with that first. It also sounds like he's trying to stretch her wake up time by bringing her into bed with him, could it be that she's ready to get up for the day at that point? You didn't really mention times so I could be totally off by saying that.

*sparky* · November 2013

I think some more consistency for her would help. I don't know that you necessarily have to take her to DC at 7, resulting in DH never seeing her, but can he get up with her in the morning when she's ready to get up, spend a little time, take her into DC, and then get a nap before going into work? Or is there no time for him to do that? Or can he nap when she gets her morning nap?

So if she's ready to get up early in the am, he could get up with her instead of trying to get her to sleep longer by taking her into the bed, and then maybe she would get a better nap. I could also see that if she gets a morning nap and then goes to DC around 11:30, she may not want to nap right away with all of the activity there. Do you think you guys could drop the morning nap altogether? Then maybe your DH could consistently get her to DC by 10. She would have some playtime with the other kids, and be ready for a nap at naptime.

Just some thoughts. Hope you figure out what works!

bubble515 · November 2013

Thank you for your help. He is trying to stretch her out because he needs to sleep bc he gets home late. Plus with the 4 am wakeups, he is definitely trying to stretch her out to a time that works better for him. I get why he does it, but it's a mess.

When I was home she was up at the same time daily, even if I had to wake her. I was strict.. 7:30 the latest for wake up and no nas We did the him sleeping in guest room thing, but if she is up earlier than 7/730 it doesn't work because I'm out of the door then. He says he has to do what he has to do, do function. I get that. So I think that that, in combo with getting to DC at whatever time is throwing all of us off.

So as much as I feel sooooo guilty right now, I am going to have to try a trial of all day daycare.

TheBorg7of9 · November 2013

Yes. I would also cut the afternoon nap. She should be okay with one nap at 14 months.

bubble515 · November 2013

He says that when he doesn't give her the AM nap, then she dozes in car. For example, yesterday she was up at 6:30 then put down at 1:30 for a nap. She only napped 30 minutes.

The tough part is that I am not home and he goes "day by day."

bubble515 · November 2013

I then did bedtime at 715-730..up at 4...blah blah blh

bubble515 · November 2013

itheresat858 said:

I would ask your DH to wake her at a given time in the morning, and have her get to daycare at a consistent time. Those things should help with the naps falling into place.

I agree.. I tried that with him when I first starting working and mentioned it again ..his reponse is that he does his best, which he does. But, it's not working. I mentioned it again today if he can do this, so she doesn't have to go at 7am (when I leave for work) and I got the same answer..

shannm · November 2013

Honestly, if your husband is not willing to get consistent and make a few sacrifices himself, I vote for putting her in daycare full time. And get rid of the am nap.

bubble515 · November 2013

I know.. I just feel guilty bc he wont see her much. I understand that he gets home so late and his job requires him to be alert for safety. But, I've also been up since 4 and have anxiety about her mood at pick up and if she is going to sleep tonight.

Thank you so much ladies for your input.

sillygirlio · November 2013

What time does your husband get home from work and what time does he go back to work?

shannm · November 2013

bubble515 said:
I know.. I just feel guilty bc he wont see her much. I understand that he gets home so late and his job requires him to be alert for safety. But, I've also been up since 4 and have anxiety about her mood at pick up and if she is going to sleep tonight.

Thank you so much ladies for your input.

Remember it is about quality and not quantity. If everyone is tired and stressed out it doesn't matter how much time you are together, it's not healthy.

bubble515 · November 2013

leaves at noon, gets home at 11pm

sillygirlio · November 2013

bubble515 said:

leaves at noon, gets home at 11pm

Well, when my DH worked a shift similar to this he went to bed nearly as soon as he got home. If your DH did that, he could get about 7.5 hrs before he had to wake up the kiddo, but I know it's no fun to not have any down time after work.

Would it be possible for you to get a part time sitter for the morning? Someone who wakes up your child at the same time every day so your husband can sleep? Then your husband could bring her to daycare? Or maybe you'd be able to afford for someone to watch her in your home from 7:00 to 4:00?

I'm sorry. This is a tough situation.

bubble515 · November 2013

He doesn't go to bed right away because of the down time. I on the other hand, go to bed very early because I don't know what kind of nite we will have and I'm up so early.

We don't have an option for a PT babysitter. The only option is DC full days or keep going as this is. I could agree to rock to sleep, but then we also deal with crying because after she is rocked to sleep she does wake up again. This happens more yes than no. Then into the bed she goes just so we can all sleep or like this morning, the two of them can sleep.

So this is great in theory, but I have gotten the "we got a crap nights sleep so she's sleeping in (and possibly in our bed) like with what happened today. Last night I would rub her back until she dozed..and then CRYING again 10 minutes or so later. Lather, rinse, repeat.

That is why I am wondering about FT daycare.. I can barely keep my eyes open today.

bubble515 · November 2013

He doesn't go to bed right away because of the down time. I on the other hand, go to bed very early because I don't know what kind of nite we will have and I'm up so early.

We don't have an option for a PT babysitter. The only option is DC full days or keep going as this is. I could agree to rock to sleep, but then we also deal with crying because after she is rocked to sleep she does wake up again. This happens more yes than no. Then into the bed she goes just so we can all sleep or like this morning, the two of them can sleep.

So this is great in theory, but I have gotten the "we got a crap nights sleep so she's sleeping in (and possibly in our bed) like with what happened today. Last night I would rub her back until she dozed..and then CRYING again 10 minutes or so later. Lather, rinse, repeat.

That is why I am wondering about FT daycare.. I can barely keep my eyes open today.

*sparky* · November 2013

What time does he "need" her to sleep until in the morning in order for him to feel rested? I get that 4 am is too early, but I can't tell from your posts what would be a good time? I think if she slept til 7-ish, skipped the morning nap, got to DC at a consistent time and could get some play time in before an afternoon nap, that would help tremendously.

You will always have some setbacks with illnesses, teething, etc., but if you set some consistency her sleep patterns should improve. If your DH can't be consistent or if he needs to sleep until 8 or 9, then I would send her to DC early.

bubble515 · November 2013

He gets her there at different times...some days 1030 others 1145. He wants 7 the earliest but shes up before then when she sttn. Yesterday it was 6:30ish and she was ready to be up. He gives me reasons to why he cant get her there consisent etc. as i read the replies dc full day is my option bc she cant be in this day to day varies

emberlee3 · November 2013

It sounds like you are set on full day DC, and there's not really a reason not to give it a try. FWIW That age was the worst for DS sleeping. Even with a consistent schedule, he was all over the place. Sleep training was the only solution.

spainy17 · November 2013

I work the same hours as your husband and have the same part time daycare deal. This is what i do... I come home from work around midnight and go right to bed. It sucks having no downtime but it also sucks getting no sleep so i sacrifice that for my DD. I then get up when she does, can range from 5 to 6 depending on the day. I then play with her in the morning and nap when she takes her first nap (around 830). Once she wakes up I play a little and take her to dayvare, usually around 1030 or 11. That way i have some time to myself before work to get ready, watch TV or sleep some more. Yes it is fragmented but it works and it should work the same for your hubby. Hope this helps!

spainy17 · November 2013

Oh and my DH works days like you so he is the one to put her to bed and we make sure it is around the same time every night. It helps keep her schedule set. I then let him rest (so he gets way better sleep) but it works because I want to see her since I didn;t put her to bed.

ridesbuttons · November 2013

The child is 14 months old. Your husband is just going to have to deal with the fact that she is unlikely to sleep until 7 or 8 and get up with her at 6 or 6:30. And deal with it. Getting home at 11 means he can be in bed asleep by midnight. Getting 6 hours isn't wonderful but it isn't the end of the world either, we've all been through it.

I say your husband needs to accept that his sleep is not going to be ideal for a little while, not forever, but just for now. He gets the LO to daycare at 10am and carry on with life.

sillygirlio · November 2013

Why can't you do full time daycare so you aren't zombies and then have him keep her for the whole day or even half the day when he has those days off during random parts of the week. That would solve the "never seeing" her problem. Lots of kids have dads they only see on the weekend. Running like this is bad for your relationship!

bubble515 · November 2013

That's a great point! He could do that...

bubble515 · November 2013

I spoke to dc and were doing a trial of fulltime. Perhaps once he sees this is what she needs, he will realize why consistency is key. Fingers crossed it works! I think it will because she slept when she was on schedule with me. Thank u so so so much!!

tbmadeamistake · November 2013

I haven't read all the replies yet, but I don't understand why dc puts her down to nap at a different time everyday. At my center (and I realize that every center is different), once they hit that age, they go to one nap a day, same time, after lunch. C expects it and is ready for it, even at home on the weekends. It's awesome. We make sure she has the same bedtime every night and the same naptime, and it works really well. I would talk to dc about putting her down at the same time everyday, and maybe a little later. If you can get that settled, maybe she can go down a little later at night and would therefore sleep a little later for your DH in the mornings. I also agree with PPs that you need to pick a bedtime routine and stick to it. We do 2-3 stories in the rocker and then lights out and in the crib she goes. It's worked like a charm since she was about your LO's age (she's 18 months now). GL!

bubble515 · November 2013

I have a bt routine. Dc does differ times bc she gets to them at differ times daily and some mornings she naps before..

bubble515 · November 2013

I agree.. He can do his errands and not say anymore that he doesnt have time, since he will have the mornings free. Stinks for me, but I cant continue this way because its a new job and I will end up fired or hospitalized due to stress etc.

He tries his best, but needs consistency 101. Now moving forward because shes all over the place, do I pick a pm naptime and go with that to set her " biological clock?" Im assuming 12:30 ish bc streching it past that is too much. Bedtime has been consistent because I do that.

She is in our bed tonight after waking after a few hours. I surrendered since Ive been up since 4am and she went in bed after I left anyway. But Im in the guest room though...

bubble515 · November 2013

Maybe now he wont be too busy to help around the house!

CarrieB. · November 2013

bubble515 said:
leaves at noon, gets home at 11pm

My DH works evenings too and gets home at midnight and is asleep by 1am 3 nights a week. He still can get up by 6:30 and is dressed and ready to care for DD1 by 7am when I go to work. I think your DH can try to be more consistent with a morning routine.

shannm · November 2013

bubble515 said:

I agree.. He can do his errands and not say anymore that he doesnt have time, since he will have the mornings free. Stinks for me, but I cant continue this way because its a new job and I will end up fired or hospitalized due to stress etc. He tries his best, but needs consistency 101. Now moving forward because shes all over the place, do I pick a pm naptime and go with that to set her " biological clock?" Im assuming 12:30 ish bc streching it past that is too much. Bedtime has been consistent because I do that. She is in our bed tonight after waking after a few hours. I surrendered since Ive been up since 4am and she went in bed after I left anyway. But Im in the guest room though...

If you are going to do DC full time, stick with their schedule. At that age, most centers do not have am naps and do pm naps immediately after lunch, around 12:30. I would also try to read a couple books about sleep training and see if one feels ok to you. But be consistent! It will be some work upfront so I would start on a weekend and if your DH is not on board, tell him to get out of the way.

laurakaz13 · November 2013

I would go with full-day daycare. He can see DD on his days off. It's not working for any of you right now. I do think little ones that age need a schedule. Also, drop the a.m. nap.

bubble515 · November 2013

Thank you again ladies for your help. I have gotten such good feedback!

This AM she was up at 6:30..into the bed she came, but she was ready to start her day. So I got her up and moving, until I had to leave..

We start the new DC hours next week. I will focus the next few days on trying to set a schedule. I am not sure of when to do that PM nap because I feel like I don't know her as well as I did since I am working (cue wise). I'll see how she is the next few days over the holiday break, but I have a feeling it will be around noon. I'll then stick to the 7/730 bedtime as we have been doing.

I am hoping that this one nap a day and consistency will also get her to nap a little longer at daycare. She was brutal last night, but I kept her up until bedtime.

oliv0026 · December 2013

I would say, right now, the most important is your DD getting into some healthy schedule and not having a lack of sleep. She is at a stage that she is developing and growing every single day and a lack of sleep or overtiring her could affet her brain development. I understand it is important for her father to see her, but at the moment, he has got to do some sacrificies to accomodate her needs. Maybe she could stay home from daycare when he is off? Maybe he could wake up earlier and drop her off at daycare? I am sorry you are going thru this and it is really hard, but think of what is best for your daughter and what is healthiest for her.

PseudoMama · December 2013

You are not helping her by not setting a consistent bedtime and wake up time, and nap time. I don't know that drop off time for daycare would matter. Just decide on your ideal schedule and then try and work towards it. Let daycare know. At that age a typical schedule would be something like:

Bedtime: 8Pm (or 7:30)

Wake Up: 6:30 or 7am

Nap: 12-2

Obviously it will be a little different, but that seems like the universal schedule for that age.

daycare, lack of sleep, and no "schedule."

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