Adoption/ Birth Plan and OB Office/ Hospital

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2013

Hi again!

So I have just completed my adoption plan and already made my birth plan. I am looking for advice on how to get my doctor's office completely on board. I am seeing the midwives at my practice because they are more natural-friendly, but I still feel like I have to fight for my preferences (I am very natural-minded and prefer minimal intervention). I also feel like they are clueless about adoption. To be fair, they are more understanding about both than my previous provider, so I have no interest in switching.

There are 4 or 5 midwives and every time I meet a new one, I have to explain everything about the adoption all over again. I hate going through why I'm placing my baby for adoption, who the AP's are, why and how I'm OK with it, etc. I also have met with a lot of resistance about nursing my baby while I'm in the hospital because they say the more I get attached the harder it is to say goodbye, and infer I may be already wanting to parent. I know they mean well, but I have done my research, talked to bmoms about it, and done plenty of soul searching. I simply need their cooperation and support.

I really do love my providers, but I'm nervous about fighting for an intervention- free labor (unless medically necessary) plus all my adoption-specific preferences while dealing with the looks and opinions I know I'll get. I know what I'm choosing isn't easy but it's what I need. My only plan now is to bring my birth plan and adoption plan to every remaining visit to tackle this subject with every midwife I get to see and pray the one on duty when I go into labor has seen it. I am nervous about this because I know it will be a fight and I'm not good at standing up for myself and afraid it will wear on me. They've already fought about breastfeeding, birthing in a squatting position, her rooming with me, and more (1 midwife will be totally understanding on the others but resist on something else so individually they're fine but as a group overwhelming).

Any suggestions? I know this is long and I feel like a cry-baby, but I need a plan to make it work.

Dr.Loretta · October 2013

Oh hon, I'm sorry they're giving you such a hard time.

I don't have direct experience. The only things I can think of are 1) making a copy of the birth and adoption plans and giving one to each person you'll deal with, and 2) noting which things you're more flexible on (because as I understand it, birth plans rarely go exactly as written).

And if you're working with an agency or some sort of social worker, I'd get the plans to them so they can help you navigate.

Also see if the hospital has a medical/hospital advocate. If you can get them on board, that can be helpful too.

IdigDirt · October 2013

I don't know why they feel that it's any of their business? They are there to make sure you have a healthy pregnancy and to catch the baby and step in if there are issues. What you do after is none of their business. What I found in the hospital is that is was the nurses were the ones in control of the birth. They interact with you much more but that could just have been my case.
Maybe at your next visit just say "this is the choice I made, I have done a lot of research and hope you can accept that." Or something like that. I have got comments from my doctors and midwives about donating my eggs but it's really none of their business. Totally different I know but just something they aren't used to dealing with. Good luck and stay strong

maryoosa · October 2013

Hi there,

I second what everyone here said--- my son's birth parent actually had a fantastic midwife group who took it upon themselves to be educated about open adoption and to talk with the hospital staff...based on her experience, here are some suggestions.
1. Ask them to write in your chart that you are intending to place the baby for adoption.
2. Have your agency director/case worker etc contact them and discuss adoption with them.
3. Remind them that the baby is your baby until you sign TPR- therefore, you get to call the shots- nursing, rooming in etc... all up to you- not the midwife practice.
4. Have your agency/lawyer/etc. call the hospital and speak to their social worker (this is where our son's parent hit an unexpected bump - the Social worker was informed of her adoption plan and came in asking all kinds of questions with attitude--- had our agency or our son's mom's lawyer contacted the hospital this wouldn't have happened.)

About the birth plan--- if they are midwives then they should be open to a natural non-interventioned birthing process. If they are not- talk to your agency about having it or the PAP's hire a doula for you. We hired a doula for our son's mom--- we really really really wanted to make sure that she had someone in the delivery room with her who wasn't from the adoption agency, and who had zero contact with us around the birth etc- a support person solely for her. I think, from what she told us, that the doula helped quite a bit pre/post birth. The doula was also helpful around the birth plan and the enforcement of it.

In terms of birth plans--- our son's parent really wanted a really chill birthing center birth with music and a bathtub and all sorts of things. Our son had other plans and made a rapid exit... nearly precipitious labor (25 minutes longer). So--- just remember---your body is gonna do whatever it decides to do at the time--- be prepared to be as flexible as possible within your comfort zone- but put your foot down if you feel like the medical staff is bullying you.

Ginny0211 · October 2013

Sorry you're having to explain yourself so much and they're not being supportive of your plans.

I second the doula suggestion. I have heard multiple woman say they were helpful with communicating their needs and wishes to the hospital staff. A doula can be strong for you if the staff gives you any non medically necessary issues with your plan so you can focus your attention and energy on labor, and not explaining and defending your plan. And she can be very helpful in a non medicated birth since so many have great laboring tips.

I experienced nurses being very pushy with pain meds. I was tired of explaining myself and didn't do a good job of it since I was exhausted and a little preoccupied. It would of been nice to of had a doula there to voice my reasoning for my choices. Maybe they would of dropped it.

And as PP said. Do be flexible and prepare yourself for your birth not going to plan. My last birth had some surprises and the birth plan had to change a bit. I'm still glad I had my plan and stuck to some of it. For me I saw my plan as not set in stone and not even a plan written in pencil. It's written in dry eraser maker.

I've never used a midwife so i don't know how it goes with them at the hospital but the Dr.s you don't see much. You are with the nurses and techs most of the time. The previous posters suggestion to contact the hospital ahead of time and get the adoption plan and your wishes noted in the charts is a good idea.

sgb721 · October 2013

Do the AP's and the lawyer or agency have a copy of your plan. They are all there to support you and try to uphold what you want your labor to look like. I would get them all on board so that you aren't feeling like you have to take this on alone. Also- express to the next midwife you see strongly that you are tired of explaining this situation again and again and to please note it in your chart. You are comfortable and confident in your choices and you, and only you, will be modifications to this plan.

Hugs!!

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2013

Thanks ladies! You always have such great tips! I do think I'll call the hospital and get in touch with the social worker and get some info about an advocate.

The hospital I'm birthing at actually offers doulas at no additional charge. The only down side is that you don't know who you'll get until you've checked into the hospital. I've given the AP's my birth plan, so I think they will be great in relaying anything to her I'm unable to due to the obvious stress of the situation (besides the basic things in my plan). I'm hoping she and the AMom will be able to play mediator to all birth and adoption questions so that I can focus on delivering the baby.

I think I will take my birth AND adoption plan to every visit from here on out and ask them to read it rather than ask me the questions over and over again. It just gets exhausting to explain myself.

And I am trying to be flexible and remember that the baby will make her entrance into the world the way she wants to, not always the way I've planned it :-) Easier said than done for my personality!

maryoosa · October 2013

@CarolinaGirl2014---
Even though the hospital provides doula's that's going to be a really different experience from having one hired who works just with you. Our son's doula met with her 3x before birth, attended the birth and met with her 3x afterwards--- it allowed them to build a really good personal relationship. Just check in with your agency and/or the adoptive parents about that.

Also, remember that in the hospital, neither the doula nor the prospective adoptive mom are going to be able to answer questions for you- that would be in violation of HIPPA. Also, I'm going to urge you to not think about relying on the prospective adoptive mother to mediate anything around the birth or adoption. You are giving birth to your child- and that should be your focus. While you might want the prospective adoptive mom in the delivery room with you now, that might change as you move through labor. And you certainly don't want to have to be navigating emotions (and as an adoptive mom, I can tell you she's gonna have emotions)- both hers and yours--- give yourself some space- no matter how much you love the PAP's, you might want a little time and space without them during and after delivery.

When our son's mom gave birth to him, she invited us to cut the cord, which we did, but we really really made ourselves scarce at the hospital unless she specifically asked us to come and hang out.

MrsMuenich · October 2013

Hey, I'm a BM and I wanted to let you know my hospital experience - I know not all are this way, but still.

The doctor who helped me deliver was very professional, and I had two great advocates in my mom and DS's AM. Feel free to communicate with your AM that if you feel a yucky vibe from the doula you get to just have her dismiss the doula. If there's open communication that you won't be changing your mind with APs, they can be good shields from doubters/haters.I don't think my doctor had ever worked with a birthmother before, but she didn't act like anything was out of the ordinary (yay!).

The nurses were great in honoring my wishes in my adoption plan. The lactation consultant was very rude to me, which in restrospect was probably because of how pervasive the idea is that moms who breastfeed will never actually go through with placing. Hopefully I was a good step towards them realizing birthmoms place because they want the best for their children, and colostrum is really good for newborns. Oh well.

The nurses were very nice to me, and the pediatrician that discharged DS said a few words about how impressed she was with me for making this decision. It was sweet.

My discharging doctor (who was not my lovely doctor and was a stupid man) went on for a few minutes about how flabbergasted he was that I tried to bf, since moms ALWAYS change their minds; he also related a specific story to that effect. He was a charmer, lemme tell you.

APs left the hospital with DS and it was hard. But we had an entrustment ceremony that evening at the hospital and it was so special. I highly, highly recommend it.

It was a surreal couple of days, but having people around me who know me and how to handle personnel was really helpful.

CarolinaGirl2014 · October 2013

@Maryoosa-

I do recognize the difference and would LOVE to have that doula situation, but I hate to ask for more when adoption is already so expensive. I'll certainly think about it and maybe mention it to the agency director. The AMom I've chosen actually used to be a doula, which is why I plan to get support from her. She went to my birthing class with me and wants to be a support, and I feel very comfortable with that. I don't mean for them to answer medical questions, but to ward off the unnecessary opinions and questions (that's the personality of the AMom as well) and I'm not voicing it to place too much pressure on her. I'm also not asking them to help with adoption questions after birth or with the hospital, but I know a lot of doula's ward off the nosy/ poky staff while I'm laboring so that I can simply focus on birthing my baby. I'm just so tired of reiterating myself. Thanks for all the advice!

@MrsMuenich- Thank you for sharing! I always enjoy hearing birthmothers' stories. I'm also glad to hear that the AMom was a great advocate and that you were able to nurse. I hate that attitude that we're going to change our minds because we breastfeed!

momof2buggs · November 2013

I had a lot of the same issues when I placed my little boy. The nurses were basically uneducated about adoption and spoke and acted out of ignorance. Just have to extend grace to them, because not everyone shares your beliefs and feelings on the issue.

I did nurse my son in the hospital because I wanted that intimacy with him before I said goodbye. I was very solid in my decision though, and was not worried about it causing me to bond too much with him. Heck-I already loved him tremendously! He grew inside of me! And it was because of my love for him that I was able to place him in the first place, and honestly it made me feel really good to be able to nurse him for a little while, because it was something that only he and I could share, and I loved the exclusivity of that

God bless you for making such a difficult choice, out of love. There will be many moments of clarity along the journey, and it will be because of that clarity that you will be able to heal.

CarolinaGirl2014 · November 2013

@tab&bob2008 I don't think you're stalking! I posted on a public forum to get everyone's input and I appreciate yours! I actually saw another of the midwives today (who I ADORED) and she said she'd personally look into hospital policy and push that they have some sort of marking like the one you mentioned. She also supported me on everything we discussed and made an exception for me to only see her in the office to avoid future fights!! *happy dance* I do need to get around to contacting the social worker. Esp cause it looks like I may have 5 weeks instead of 7 after today... I've heard of some bmoms having a rough time with them, though.

@momof2buggs Thank you for sharing! That was so encouraging because that is exactly how I feel. I know it's the harder choice, but I already love my baby and chose adoption for that very reason. It's so wonderful to hear of healing from birth moms. The exclusively birthmom forums my agency recommended are terrifying because many of the bmoms say you never heal and are never whole again and that the whole adoption system is based on coercion, etc. I'm not dumb to think I won't always miss her, but I strongly feel that healing is possible and have had no semblance of coercion at any point.

momof2buggs · November 2013

Do you mind maybe sharing your whole story with me? I don't get on here all the time, and so it's hard to keep up. I'd love to hear, if you're up to it

mommytoconnor · November 2013

First of all, I applaud you for placing your baby for adoption. It's pretty clear that you love her enough to give her a chance at a great life with adoptive parents. I am an OB nurse and take care of moms all the time who are placing their babies for adoption and I am an adoptive mom as well. Each case is very different. I would recommend that you simply state that you have made your decisions and although you respect your providers you don't care to discuss or be questioned at every single appt. Also take your birthplan with you to the hospital and give to your nurses there, who should be happy to follow your wishes. I personally love taking care of birth moms who are placing because I know how much love it takes to do this and on the other side, being an adoptive mom, I know what a blessing you are giving to the adoptive parents. Each case is very different though and needs to be treated as such. I wish you all the best and thank you for choosing adoption.

kmkaull2 · December 2013

Just repeating what others have suggested: get a doula who will help advocate for you. I was able to have a med-free and minimal intervention birth with my DD in a hospital setting with my OB. But I had my husband there to speak for me when labor got intense. A doula would give you a voice when you truly cannot function.

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