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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
707mama
member
completley heartbroken
707mama
member
I am so sorry if this comes across as a pity party. I really dont feel sorry for myself.. I'm just so very sad right now. This year has been the worst year of my life. My grandpa who was like a dad to me, but so much more.. a friend and the only person in my life who I felt TRULY believed in me through all the mistakes I've made, died suddenly a few months ago. Life got crazy then I found out I had uterine cancer that has already affected my cervix. They removed the cancer in August, and while I was there my dr pointed out that they felt it was dangerous for me to be on yasmin. I had been on continous pill therapy with yasmin for almost 8 years and no dr had ever told me before that people with lupus cant take that. I even asked my old dr about it when I saw all the scary ads on the internet and she said they were fake! Anyhow, I continued on it till after a "vacation" my bf and I had planned so I wouldnt have to worry about my period there then quit the day we came home.
A month later I was crampy for a few days and for some reason beyond me felt I should take a pregnancy test. I got a faint positive and my OB did a blood test the same day and my hcg came back as 24 on Nov 8th. I was freaked out with it so low but she said since I was on yasmin the month before I probably ovulated later than an edd based on my lmp would give me. She felt no need to do a repeat beta. I still felt paranoid about the whole thing. Maybe I knew it wasnt meant to be, or maybe I was spoiled by my last OB who did repeat betas. I dunno. Either way, the cramping was bothering me so they had me come in on Nov 21st to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. All we saw during the scan was a sac in my uterus that the dr said was a good size for how much he thought he would see based on the low beta on the 8th. I was on top of the world that it looked well, but antsy just the same to get a REAL edd... and to see a baby not just a sac. That next week, on the 26th, one day before my next appointment, I had some spotting only when I wiped. I freaked out and went to my appt in fear that I was going to be told that there was no baby. The next day we did a scan and I did see the baby, and the yolk sac, and we think we saw a flutter of a heartbeat but the dr said we would wait and see one more week that way the baby would be big enough to measure, get a good picture of, and measure the heart rate. She couldnt see any evidence of where the morning spotting was but said that the baby had grown a lot in a week and that was really good news. My next appt was set for Dec 5th and all week and weekend I was stoked. I finally felt like I could relax and enjoy more. I was getting strong nausea, my exhustion was (and is) still strong, I was bloated to the point of needing maternity jeans already and just happy. Saturday night my bf and I went out to dinner for a date night and we had a great night. I was so happy. Then sunday morning I woke up feeling sick. After breakfast I went to the bathroom and saw brown spotting but this time in my underwear which was different than the last time that it was just when I wiped. I decided to just keep calm and it never got bad. In fact I saw some one more time when I went to the restroom on the tp and that was it. Then I saw more yesterday morning, and every once in awhile but it again, wasnt much at all. I emailed the dr and she said that hopefully it was nothing and to keep my appt for Thursday. I took it easy last night and gave in to the exhaustion and went to bed early.
A month later I was crampy for a few days and for some reason beyond me felt I should take a pregnancy test. I got a faint positive and my OB did a blood test the same day and my hcg came back as 24 on Nov 8th. I was freaked out with it so low but she said since I was on yasmin the month before I probably ovulated later than an edd based on my lmp would give me. She felt no need to do a repeat beta. I still felt paranoid about the whole thing. Maybe I knew it wasnt meant to be, or maybe I was spoiled by my last OB who did repeat betas. I dunno. Either way, the cramping was bothering me so they had me come in on Nov 21st to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. All we saw during the scan was a sac in my uterus that the dr said was a good size for how much he thought he would see based on the low beta on the 8th. I was on top of the world that it looked well, but antsy just the same to get a REAL edd... and to see a baby not just a sac. That next week, on the 26th, one day before my next appointment, I had some spotting only when I wiped. I freaked out and went to my appt in fear that I was going to be told that there was no baby. The next day we did a scan and I did see the baby, and the yolk sac, and we think we saw a flutter of a heartbeat but the dr said we would wait and see one more week that way the baby would be big enough to measure, get a good picture of, and measure the heart rate. She couldnt see any evidence of where the morning spotting was but said that the baby had grown a lot in a week and that was really good news. My next appt was set for Dec 5th and all week and weekend I was stoked. I finally felt like I could relax and enjoy more. I was getting strong nausea, my exhustion was (and is) still strong, I was bloated to the point of needing maternity jeans already and just happy. Saturday night my bf and I went out to dinner for a date night and we had a great night. I was so happy. Then sunday morning I woke up feeling sick. After breakfast I went to the bathroom and saw brown spotting but this time in my underwear which was different than the last time that it was just when I wiped. I decided to just keep calm and it never got bad. In fact I saw some one more time when I went to the restroom on the tp and that was it. Then I saw more yesterday morning, and every once in awhile but it again, wasnt much at all. I emailed the dr and she said that hopefully it was nothing and to keep my appt for Thursday. I took it easy last night and gave in to the exhaustion and went to bed early.
I woke up this morning at 430am to use the restroom and there was a lot of pink and red blood. A lot. And the cramping was bad. I put in a pad and emailed my dr who after talking to me about the volume told me it was the end of the road for this pregnancy. I woke up my bf and told him, then laid in bed in tears the rest of the night. I called in sick to work and they told me I had to come in. Because we were waiting until this appt on Thursday to tell anyone, no one knows so I couldnt bring myself to tell them why I needed the day off. I sit here at my desk holding back the tears and just being scared because I do not know what to expect. I am barely bleeding now, and its brown, but the cramps are bad. I called my drs office hoping to get in before Thursday so I could maybe see my baby one last time (I know that sounds stupid but I want to say goodbye) and ask my dr what to expect so it wouldnt be so scary but they dont have any appts so I moved to google, which of course scared the crap out of me 
It's crazy how much you can fall in love with a baby that you never got to see clearly, or to feel, or to hold. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay there. My heart hurts so bad and I'm deathly afraid that this will happen again if we try again. I'm 35, with lupus, and just got cancer cells/tumor leep'd out of my uterus and cervix. The odds seem so jacked up. And I know I can't complain because I have three kidswho are the biggest and best blessings I could ever ask for, but I really did love this baby just as much... no matter if it was only a month, he/she was still my child
It's crazy how much you can fall in love with a baby that you never got to see clearly, or to feel, or to hold. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay there. My heart hurts so bad and I'm deathly afraid that this will happen again if we try again. I'm 35, with lupus, and just got cancer cells/tumor leep'd out of my uterus and cervix. The odds seem so jacked up. And I know I can't complain because I have three kidswho are the biggest and best blessings I could ever ask for, but I really did love this baby just as much... no matter if it was only a month, he/she was still my child
Anyhow, thank you for letting me share my story and get this out. I'm really not trying to have a pity party. No one knows about this pregnancy... not even the kids, so I have no one to tell and nowhere to go
This discussion has been closed.
Re: completley heartbroken
BFP 1: 9/19/11 , DS born 5/28/12 @ 41 weeks
Missed M/C natural cycle 10/2013
DX PCOS 3/2014
2 cycles Clomid 50 mg + Ovidrel + TI
1 cycle Clomid 50 mg + TI - no response stair-stepped to Clomid 75 mg + Ovidrel + TI
1 cycle Clomid 50 mg + Ovidrel + IUI
1 cycle Letrozole 7.5 mg + 150 mg Follistim + Ovidrel + TI
1 cycle Letrozole 7.5 mg + 150 mg Folistim + Ovidrel + IUI
1 cycle Letrozole 7.5 mg + 150 mg Follistim - no response, repeated Letrozole 7.5 mg + 150 mg Follistim + Ovidrel + IUI = success! 12/2014
Beta 1 - 15 dpiui, 324, Beta 2 - 17 dpiui 750. Twins!!
My Blog: pcosandpizza.blogspot.com
I woke up this morning feeling so empty. No nausea, my pants almost fit again, my boobs dont hurt nearly as much... I thought that would make me feel better about it but I dunno. Just kinda made me feel numb. I am looking forward to my appt tomorrow. I need to talk to the dr and see if this is over. From everything I read it should take longer, and be worse than it was. I was bleeding heavy yesterday at 4:30am. At 7am when I got up again, the pad was pretty full. Then I changed pads again and it was still a lot but not like it was and it was brown. I had what I would consider heavy brown spotting all day yesterday and today its so light. I'm guessing there is more to come but I figured it would be really heavy for several days at once. Guess I'll get answers tomorrow. I took two tylenol before I went to bed so the cramps were managable and I got decent sleep. Today they are back though. Still sad, but I've been at work for an hour and havent had to hide in the bathroom crying yet so thats good., I think getting it out on here is really helping so I can't say thank you enough. My heart breaks for all of us on here though.