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Blended Families
emily122685
member
Step Issue
emily122685
member
This has been running through my head, so I'd love someone else's thought. My apologies if this gets too long.
My DH's parents have been divorced for over 20 years.
His mom, my MIL, remarried 8 months before DH and I did to a man she dated for about a year and a half.
I only bring this up to establish that neither my DH or his sister grew up with the man as a father figure. They were both well over 25 when their mom remarried.
Now, there have been issues with her husband before. He's never had any children or been a step parent before, although he has been previously married, so I understand there's bound to be some growing pains. Trouble is he's awfully selfish, as someone can be after not having to share their life with anyone for so long. But it bleeds in to holidays and events and I know this stresses my MIL out.
I've been a buffer between family before and it's terrible. I know we all
just want everyone to be happy and we do see him as a grandparent to out 1 year old daughter. However this Thanksgiving has made me rethink some things regarding his role.
DH and I decided to host my mom & dad, and his mom and step-dad, at our hose this year. It was also DD's 1st birthday on Thanksgiving, so we thought it'd be nice.
Well, I was told a week and a half before by my MIL that her husband decided he wanted to go to his sisters for Thanksgiving, but of course we were invited too... I thought it was odd being hat she'd already said yes to our invite, but I understood. We had a large party for her that weekend for everyone that we wouldn't see over the holiday.
About 3 days later, DH's dad calls and asks if he can come to our house for Thanksgiving, so we says yes being that it was only my parents due to show up.
THEN 2 days later, DH gets a call from his mom saying the her husband doesn't want to go to his sisters because she not actually hosting, it's her daughter that is and he doesn't want to go there...
Well, now my DHs dad is coming and when he lets her know, his step dad gets mad because no one considers him at all and he doesn't want to go anywhere for dinner now.
We try to make a solution and invite my MIL and her husband over for breakfast on thanksgiving before anyone got there that afternoon. I thought we'd watch the parade and celebrate DDs first birthday.
As it turns out, only my MIL shows up. Her husband doesn't visit us or any of is family at all.
And both he and my MIL are mad at my mother because they think they overheard her invite DHs dad to thanksgiving when we hosted DDs birthday party 2 weeks prior. I even asked my mother and she didn't. She had just mentioned to him to drop by if he'd be in town.
He was never invited until he called and asked us.
So now I have my inlaws upset and what's worse is I know my MIL hurts. Nothing was done intentionally on our end, but I think it was when her husband intentionally declined seeing his granddaughter and having hours with her, all because he was mad. It hurt his wife, and it hurt us.
No one has spoken about it yet and I'm just rather sad about it all.
Thoughts?
My DH's parents have been divorced for over 20 years.
His mom, my MIL, remarried 8 months before DH and I did to a man she dated for about a year and a half.
I only bring this up to establish that neither my DH or his sister grew up with the man as a father figure. They were both well over 25 when their mom remarried.
Now, there have been issues with her husband before. He's never had any children or been a step parent before, although he has been previously married, so I understand there's bound to be some growing pains. Trouble is he's awfully selfish, as someone can be after not having to share their life with anyone for so long. But it bleeds in to holidays and events and I know this stresses my MIL out.
I've been a buffer between family before and it's terrible. I know we all
just want everyone to be happy and we do see him as a grandparent to out 1 year old daughter. However this Thanksgiving has made me rethink some things regarding his role.
DH and I decided to host my mom & dad, and his mom and step-dad, at our hose this year. It was also DD's 1st birthday on Thanksgiving, so we thought it'd be nice.
Well, I was told a week and a half before by my MIL that her husband decided he wanted to go to his sisters for Thanksgiving, but of course we were invited too... I thought it was odd being hat she'd already said yes to our invite, but I understood. We had a large party for her that weekend for everyone that we wouldn't see over the holiday.
About 3 days later, DH's dad calls and asks if he can come to our house for Thanksgiving, so we says yes being that it was only my parents due to show up.
THEN 2 days later, DH gets a call from his mom saying the her husband doesn't want to go to his sisters because she not actually hosting, it's her daughter that is and he doesn't want to go there...
Well, now my DHs dad is coming and when he lets her know, his step dad gets mad because no one considers him at all and he doesn't want to go anywhere for dinner now.
We try to make a solution and invite my MIL and her husband over for breakfast on thanksgiving before anyone got there that afternoon. I thought we'd watch the parade and celebrate DDs first birthday.
As it turns out, only my MIL shows up. Her husband doesn't visit us or any of is family at all.
And both he and my MIL are mad at my mother because they think they overheard her invite DHs dad to thanksgiving when we hosted DDs birthday party 2 weeks prior. I even asked my mother and she didn't. She had just mentioned to him to drop by if he'd be in town.
He was never invited until he called and asked us.
So now I have my inlaws upset and what's worse is I know my MIL hurts. Nothing was done intentionally on our end, but I think it was when her husband intentionally declined seeing his granddaughter and having hours with her, all because he was mad. It hurt his wife, and it hurt us.
No one has spoken about it yet and I'm just rather sad about it all.
Thoughts?
"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."
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Re: Step Issue
My mom remarried after I was an adult and I the only thing I owe him is the same respect I owe any human being. My H's dad remarried a few months before we got married. Same thing. Now if there could be a deeper relationship, great. But with this guy's attitude, I wouldn't bring that drama into my family.
When we have holidays or birthdays, we invite everyone, and if they choose not to come because someone else will be there (DH's dad won't come if his mom is there), we say oh well. By the same token, we don't expect anyone to accommodate us either.
If you want to have an event at your house and then attend event elsewhere, fine. But don't feel obligated to try to host several different events to appease everyone. Especially someone who has only been in the picture such a short time and already showed how incredibly immature he is.
As far as her husband, hes an insecure asshole who needs to grow up. I suggest you stay fair and diplomatic as you have been and if he chooses to stay home, then that is his choice.