NWR- Holidays, am I wrong?

mommymegan831 · December 2013

DH and I are both close to our families. We live about 10-15 minutes from them and see them atleast once a week. DH and MIL also talk everyday, his brother's family (SIL and 2 sons) are there several times a week for dinner and DH's sister and her fiance are there several times a week for dinner. A little too close and totally taking advantage, they never show up with pizza or anything, just show up for meals.

For Christmas we've been going to DH's cousin's house Christmas Eve. We see his immediate family and all cousins, aunts, and uncles, this is the only time they see each other all year unless there is a wedding or something. Everyone, other than me, is then happy with going to MIL's house Christmas morning to exchange gifts, we go to my family's house around 12 to exchange gifts, then the rest of my family comes around 2 and we have Christmas dinner there.

For as long as we've been married I hate this arrangement. I feel we should either skip his cousin's house Christmas Eve and just exchange gifts and eat with his family then, or they could come by us the weekend before or after. I'd make brunch and we could relax and exchange gifts.

Our current schedule is Christmas Eve we're with all of his family from around 4-9. Christmas day everyone is up around 7 (we have a 1 1/2 year old and 3 1/2 year old). We do gifts, breakfast, and get ready to go between 7 and 10. We're at the in laws for another breakfast and gifts, which take a while because they go way over board from 10:15-12. My family from about 12:15-8.

I just hate the two stops on Christmas Day. I hate that there are two breakfasts on Christmas. I just feel that the four of us as a family take a back seat to everyone else. DH thinks I'm unreasonable and has no problem doing the two stops, I'm sure it's because he wants to see his Mommy. WDYT?

mommymegan831 · December 2013

Christmas morning breakfast will be rough at our house because his family has to do everything together, so it would be his BIL's family, SIL and her fiance too. After leaving MIL's house DH's SUV is stuffed, so there is no way they'd be able to get gifts for all 4 grandkids and 6 adults into their little car. So you're right about it not really being feasible at his cousin's house and it would be too hectic, there's like 50 people there.

Five Months to Plan · December 2013

That tough because every family is so different. We live within 10-15 mins of my parents and my ILs. Also within the 10-15 of 2 of DH's 3 sisters ( all with Tweens) and my extended family. Schedule Christmas Eve: with my dad's extended family including grandparents, aunts , uncle etc. since we have had DD my mom hosts this so that we have a highchair toys, etc Christmas Day: we stay home! So do all of DH's sisters. My IL's move between families. They start with us for breakfast and then go to other other sisters. We though do not see my SIL's and their families on chirstmas. The people with kids stay at their own homes and the grandparents move. My parents then come over later for dinner and we do gifts with them. Some where between 26th-28th we do chirstmas with DH's family. This is when we see his sisters, nices, nephew etc. They only change is really my sister who works health care and her husband who works retail. They also live 5 hours away so sometimes chirstmas with them is the weekend before or sometimes even New Years. This works for us, but we all love being at on our houses and chirstmas. Because of everyone being so close we can. It makes for a nice calm chirstmas day.

financialdiva · December 2013

That sounds rough. Could you maybe skip cousins and have your family do Christmas Eve? So you only have to do one stop on Christmas.

Remember, this is your family, your Christmas memories. I understand extended family is important, but your nuclear family takes priority.

gigantan · December 2013

I hear ya; seems like too much if you ask me. My DH and I are happy with our arrangement, but it only works because everyone of my sibs and SIL have worked out this schedule for the most part. My IL's love to host Christmas Eve while my parents host Christmas Day. Generally this works out no problem. This year though my brother's IL's are recovering from a loss and decided part of the healing process is to host Christmas Day so this changes things a bit in that my sibs and I won't see him or his family for this holiday but that is how it goes. We can't be everywhere for everyone so we do the best we can have to be ok when we cannot see each other on the holiday.

laurakaz13 · December 2013

That's too much for us. We do not live near either set of parents, but we travel back for the holidays. Your Christmas day arrangement is way too hectic and would not work for me at all.

We do one stop per day over the holidays. My family gets Christmas Eve and DH's family gets Christmas Day. If I were you, I would insist on staying home with my children Christmas morning and then going straight to your parent's.

Or you could potentially swing by IL's for just the gift exchange part since you all live so close.

EastCoastBride · December 2013

I totally feel you too. I'd hate that too.

My advice, though, is don't make it about "it's too much for me/ we shouldn't see YOUR family/ it's too much food".

Make it about your KIDS. This year you can probably still wrangle them to go somewhere else, but honestly, as they get older and get more into their toys - I can guarantee you that they aren't going to want to have to get up, get dressed, and leave all their new stuff.

This is what you need to talk to your DH about- the needs of the kids. Christmas is really for them. You all don't HAVE to see everyone ON Christmas. You really don't. For the fact you see his family Christmas Eve, I'm not finding it all that bad of an idea to see them the weekend before or after to exchange gifts.

You need to find a way to split time between the two bigger families while putting your little nuclear family first.

And do you know how your DH spent his Christmas as a kid? Was it running all around, or was it staying home all day? If it was the latter, point that out to him. Point out what he had and why you think your kids should get that too. It might not be this year - but you need to start talking about expectations for next year.

Kmartinrvt13 · December 2013

Completely understand! Before we had DD, DH and I would do 3-4 Christmases over 2 days and it felt like a lot when it was just us (we would have to travel to get everywhere because his parents are the closest, everywhere else we would go would be 1.5/2 hrs away). So I told him this year with DD we were doing that cause it's too much for her. He agreed and we made a plan to do one parents the day before Christmas eve, one parents christmas eve and the the grandparents on christmas. Then our plan went out the window when granddad passed away earlier this year, so now we don't have an issue. Maybe you can plan something like that with your family. Hope it all works out, like PP said it's a time for family, but you have to be happy too.

*sparky* · December 2013

I agree that is a lot of running around on Christmas Eve and Christmas. But honestly, if DH's parents lived close by (they do not) and I suggested that we only see my family on Christmas Day, knowing that all of his siblings are over at his parents house, and spend eight hours at my parents' house instead, that just would not fly. I understand that you see them a lot throughout the year and you see them on Christmas Eve as well, but if they are that close of a family, then telling them you won't be at the family Christmas gathering just is not going to go over.

It sound like the longest visits are at his cousins on Christmas Eve and your parents on Christmas Day so can you cut the visit at the cousins a little shorter, or spend more time at home Christmas morning, go to the IL's a little later and then to your parents later than 12:15?

Believe me, I get that this is a lot of running around but if you're not going to host everyone at your house on Christmas and you are both really that close to your families (both in location and how much time you spend together) then I don't know how you get out of doing Christmas with them without causing a huge issue with either family.

jf198400 · December 2013

Yea that is a bit too much. We do my family Christmas Eve, our own family of 4 Christmas morning, then go to DHs family for Christmas dinner. Your DH needs to re-prioritize. Your kids deserve time at home to play with their toys.

itsmevkb · December 2013

Am I missing something? If you're seeing his family Christmas Eve why isn't that enough? I would do Christmas Eve with his family, Christmas morning is YOUR family meaning you, DH and your kids and then you head over to your parents for the afternoon. Everyone gets a turn.

djm31012 · December 2013

itsmevkb said:

Am I missing something? If you're seeing his family Christmas Eve why isn't that enough? I would do Christmas Eve with his family, Christmas morning is YOUR family meaning you, DH and your kids and then you head over to your parents for the afternoon. Everyone gets a turn.

this. and i still agree with hosting something the weekend before to exchange gifts with his family--i can understand not wanting to do that in front of everyone. OR...could u go to his parents at like 2/3...do gifts..then all head over to cousins together?

EastCoastBride · December 2013

RVASC811 said:

Also, from your original post, it seems like you have some in-law resentment which is coloring your perspective. Why mention SIL not contributing to family dinners? And "I'm sure it's because he wants to see his mommy" is a really pejorative way to say it--do you not also want to see your mother on Christmas Day? If you are talking this way to him, it will not open conversation.

This is all a very good point too. Put yourself in his shoes- what if you saw your family on Christmas Eve and he was the one telling you "let's not see them ON Christmas". how would that make you feel?

Whatever you do/ whatever you say to him - you need to be fair about it and you have to think about if the roles were reversed.

mommymegan831 · December 2013

EastCoastBride said:

RVASC811 said:

Also, from your original post, it seems like you have some in-law resentment which is coloring your perspective. Why mention SIL not contributing to family dinners? And "I'm sure it's because he wants to see his mommy" is a really pejorative way to say it--do you not also want to see your mother on Christmas Day? If you are talking this way to him, it will not open conversation.

This is all a very good point too. Put yourself in his shoes- what if you saw your family on Christmas Eve and he was the one telling you "let's not see them ON Christmas". how would that make you feel?
Whatever you do/ whatever you say to him - you need to be fair about it and you have to think about if the roles were reversed.

I think I'd be ok with that. I just don't think it's fair that we see his parents and siblings both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I think since his extended family gets together on Christmas Eve it makes sense to spend it with them and since my extending family gets together Christmas Day is makes sense to spend it with them. With my family it works out a little easier because we just go earlier to exchange gifts. BIL and maybe SIL's fiance work Christmas Eve sometimes, the rest of us are teachers so we have the whole day, but I think that's why we can't get together earlier on Christmas Eve, plus the cousin's house we go to is about an hour away.

DiveFrog · December 2013

I can seriously relate to your situation. Since before we were married we have done Christmas Eve at my MIL/FIL's house with my SIL/BIL family (exchanging gifts), then Christmas morning with my family (brunch is our family tradition) then rush to get ready and driving 45min to spend Christmas dinner at BIL/SIL house with MIL/FIL also being there. Last year (the first holiday season with DD) it was horrible, I felt like I didn't get a chance to breathe for 36hours, and not a single moment to relax because we are the only family that has to leave/travel twice. It would be a touch easier if SIL would move Christmas "Dinner" from her preferred time of 3-4pm to around 6-7pm, since we don't do breakfast with my family until around 10am and presents afterward, but I haven't been able to convince her to do this.

This year I put my foot down though. I am determined to have a relaxing and unrushed holiday this year. I told DH he has 3 choices: He can go to his sister's for dinner by himself at 3-4, or he can wait until I would be willing to go and simply skip dinner and arrive at around 6-7 and have dessert and drinks/coffee with his family on Christmas, or we can skip Christmas evening with his family all together. I haven't heard his final decision yet, and he wasn't exactly thrilled, but I am so glad that I am making 'our' little family and my sanity more of a priority this holiday.

I agree that is sounds like for you the best thing to do would be to exchange gifts with his family on Christmas Eve, at the extended family gathering OR on another day other than Christmas day and see your family and exchange gifts with them on Christmas.

emberlee3 · December 2013

It sounds like a lot, but I am also of the mind that spouses need to suck it up and spend time with each other's families . And maybe it's a nice way to teach your children that family is more important than gifts. I do think you could talk with DH about setting aside time for your own nuclear family's traditions.

Cooper81 · December 2013

We are very similar, we are within 5 minutes of my parents and IL's. In our situation though, my FIL is a retired firefighter and one of my BIL's is currently a firefighter, and typically work on Christmas, so we usually do H's big side of the family GTG (his brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins) the weekend before Christmas. But Christmas eve we stay home, Christmas day we go see my family, which is much smaller (my sister, step-sisters and parents) around 10/11 stay a few hours then we will go see the IL's for a few hours. But on Christmas day it's all pretty relaxed, we all just lounge, exchange presents, eat. I imagine that might change when my kids get older and want to stay home to play with their presents. At that point we will figure out what works best for the 4 of us, invite them all over and whoever wants to come can come. In your situation it seems like it might be easier to give the IL's Christmas eve and your family part of the next day, or say screw it all and stay home with your kids

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