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Couple tries to return their adopted son???

CarolinaGirl2014CarolinaGirl2014 member
in Adoption
I saw this on another board and found it extremely unsettling. This kind of thing has to be rare, right?


Summary: An Ohio couple tried to return their 9 year-old son to the state because he refused to get help for his behavioral issues.

I understand that sometimes when older children are fostered/adopted they can bring with them problems that make it absolutely possible to mesh with the family, but this poor child was adopted as a baby. I love and trust my PAP's and recognize this has to be rare, but I'm already so emotional these days. I'm so heartbroken for this boy and what this has to be doing to him.
Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu

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Re: Couple tries to return their adopted son???

  • Dr.LorettaDr.Loretta member
    I hate these because there always seems to be more to the story. maybe more negative, I don't know. Hopefully they'll follow up with the parents' side.
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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    It is extremely rare. There have been a few recent shock-value, junk "journalism" exposed-type stories on this kind of thing recently, so right now struggling adoptive parents who feel like they have nowhere to turn are being highlighted with more frequency than normal. Horrible stories, in which "reporters" actually say things like, "we all like to believe that the love in adoptive families is the same as in biological families, but stories like this make that hard to believe," while completely neglecting the fact that there's an entire foster system in place for struggling and failing biological families.

    @CarolinaGirl2014 you have to believe that this isn't going to happen to your little one. This is a sad and tragic story of a broken family, that only made the news because it was a family formed through adoption, but it is in no way representative of adoptive families, even on a small scale.

    @JaxxM where do you get your misinformation about adoption? Are you a member of the adoption triad (birth/expectant mother, (prospective) adoptive mother, or adoptee)? Because while it's true that adoptive families often ace issues other families do not and adopted individuals often experience and have to overcome trauma in their lives, it is in no way common for adoptions to disrupt or have to be dissolved, and to suggest so is abhorrent. I would argue that once is too often, but that's not what your post suggested, and the misinformation was irresponsible to spread on a board that prides itself in sharing accurate facts about adoption and support to all members of the triad.
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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    @JaxxM I saw I a mother post that you are a birth mother. I know my post above sounded harsh, but as an adoptive mother who loves her sons more than anything in the world and has spent the last several years bitterly fighting for them even as our reality turned out much different than our anticipated path, I am very sensitive to any kind of claim that adoptive parents frequently give up on their children. It's simply not a true representation of the whole, and the thought that CatolinaGirl2014 was frightened by such a story breaks my heart. She should know that such behavior is not on any way representative of the norm, regardless of the kind of adoption.
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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    Yes, I'm very aware of the "reforming" controversy and the current media traction it has garnered. Like I said, this is irresponsible reporting, which neglects the fact that many bio families also have difficulties requiring children to be removed and wholly focusing on the adoptive families aren't as loving or stable angle. I'd love to see the percentage of adoptive families in which this happens--tiny--next to the number of bio families that need (or should have) foster care or other kinship involvement.
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  • MrsMuenichMrsMuenich member
    Let's all settle down. I think we can all agree that children are both taken and relinquished from both bio families and adoptive families.

    @CarolinaGirl2014 I think cases like this are so rare that they get press. It's not going to happen to your daughter. There are SO MANY MORE stories of families who stay families than families who don't.

    I know you have a good relationship with your daughter's PAPs, why not bring up this story and say it made you feel scared, and ask them what they would do is LO had poor behaviors, or even scary/dangerous ones. I think that's a fair question to ask, and they'll understand why if you tell them the backstory. It's always nice to hear people affirm their commitments, and to even know that you've given them a time when they committed to doing those things for her.
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  • MrsMuenichMrsMuenich member
    Now will you research the percentage of bio families, please? That's only fair.
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  • MrsMuenichMrsMuenich member
    I'd say altogether.
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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    edited November 2013
    I don't have a lot of time to post or to keep returning to this post, as I've been up for a day and a half, and just flew halfway across the world. I just came back here to make a few points as to why I believe your initial statement was irresponsible.

    as anyone who has followed my story for the past several years knows, I am committed to the advancement of ethical adoptions, and believe we have to face all the information and not sugar coat anything if we want adoptive families to be successful. Your comment that "this actually happens all too often" was flippant, and incorrectly gave the impression that this is a common occurrence, which it's not--even by the statistics you've provided. In response to an expectant mother who is expressing fears about her baby's future, and without any following qualifying statements, it was misinformation in the way any broad, over generalized statement could be. It did nothing to quell her concerns or even place situations in context. All it served to express was that bio families should be concerned that adoptive families would cut and run if things got too intense. If you had brought up that this happens sometimes, given some facts as to what plays into it when it's does, brought up ways families could find supports to prevent such situations, or even mentioned statistics upfront, it would have been a much more balanced response,and would have giving the OP the kind of comprehensive information you say she should have access to.

    Citig rehoming websites as evidence of the prevalence of this would be he same as me saying that a website designed for support to families touched by the rare disease nuerofibromatosis (NF) is evidence that NF is a common disease. Just because there are online communities for a particular issue where people facing a particular issue exchange ideas does not mean that it is common.

    my point was never to compare bio and adoptive families. My point was that these stories only make the press because they are about adoptive families.

    Finally, as Fred pointed out, dissolutions and disruptions are not remotely comparable. Disruptions can occur for myrad reasons, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with the prospective adoptive family. A formerly us identified birth parent could come forward and assert his/her parental rights. A kinship placement could be found. The caseworkers could decide that the child needs treatment Ina location away from the prospective adoptive family. And yes, the child, caseworker, court, or family could decide that the placement might not work well as a permanent setting. The reason that disruptions are so much more common than dissolutions in domestic adoptions is because domestic and foaster adoptions allow time for burn families to revoke their consent and for children and prospective adoptive families to "try out" living situations before adoptions are finalized, typically, in older-child adoptions, when children often have difficult behaviors or challenges as a result of the trauma they've experienced. Most international adoptions are finalized before the child leaves the country together, so their is no trial period similar to that in domestic adoptions, and if things really aren't working out and the family cannot find appropriate supports, dissolution is one of the only options available.
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  • kva11ishokva11isho member
    Another example of the media broadcasting the negative when there is so much positive to report. It's National Adoption Month, and there are so many celebratory adoption events going on! The reporters even admit that they don't have all the details on this story, so why air it? Please remember there are always two sides to every story.

    we are until forever...
    check out our blog


    Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    fredalina said:
    I was kind of hoping this would just go away, but the math is WAY off.
    I couldn't agree more. And to throw out numbers like 1 out of every 20, which are numbers for international adoptions, to the OP, who's considering domestic, are the very definition of misleading.
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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    edited November 2013
    You just don't get it, and we've repeatedly tried to let it go without going into specifics and tearing your posts apart piece by peice. The devil's always in the details and statistics can always be skewed to show exactly what you want them to. That's why, in any political or scientific argument, you have people on opposite sides using statistics to back up their side.

    At this point, I have the choice of using statistics and different calculations to battle it out with you, which you seem so determined to do, or I could back away, and hope and pray that CarolinaGirl sees through to what's at the heart of the matter hear: in adoption, all members take a giant leap of faith. You have to trust that all the other people involved are just as committed as you, or it will never work.

    @CaroliaGirl2014 I believe that in your heart of hearts you know what's best for your baby. Follow that, and believe I the people you have come to know as the people you belive them to be. Only then will you know what the right path is. We will support you whatever you choose, as we have supported expectant mothers who chose to patent in the past. In the end, you have a choice, and the only way to be at peace with that is to trust that you are doing what's absolutely best for your child. We are here for you no matter what choice you make.

    @jaxxM let's save it for a hot topic post another day, and remember the purpose of the orrigial post.
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  • wildmaybewildmaybe member
    I was lurking because I am working on  a family adpotion..And I adopted my youngest son 7 years ago.. I love my son with all my heart and WOULD NOT give him to anyone.. Yes he has problems ..But in his case i blame the Birth mom...She drank and did pot clear through her preganice ...I have hell to pay becaue of it ..But Its not his fault and I will fight tooth and nail to make him the best he can be ... If that means counseling tharapy or any other thing I will do it... As a AM I wanted my son and will love him with all his flaws...





    :x :x
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