How's your SO handling the loss? — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

How's your SO handling the loss?

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edited November 2013 in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
So much of the general pregnancy loss discussion is always focused on the woman that physically dealt with the loss, but I think it's important to look at our SO's and bring them in to the conversation as well.

So how is your SO doing?  Have you guys talked about it much, or does it just go unspoken?  How are they coping?

My SO is handling the most recent loss a lot better than I expected.  After the last one, he was done.  We had been talking about it for a long time and it was finally just too much for him and we had given up on TTC.  So when I got pregnant again this last time I was terrified how he would handle yet another loss, but I don't give him enough credit.  He's been really great.  I know he's still hurting, but he's outwardly he seems to be handling it in a much more healthy way.  He's been helping me and been more affectionate than usual, which helps.  His new found optimism is definitely making a difference in how we're both coping with the loss.  We don't really talk about it much, more medically what needs to be done and what the next steps are, but we both prefer it that way.  We talk about how we're both coping and what the other can do to make things easier and even that is starting to taper off.  He's eating a ton of chocolate, though.  ha.  But seriously, I got him one of those huge Hershey's bars and he hate half of it as soon as he found it and the other half for breakfast the next morning.  He doesn't usually eat that much chocolate.  One of those bars usually lasts him a month or so (assuming I'm stealing bits and pieces throughout).
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Re: How's your SO handling the loss?

  • My SO cried and it was hard for him to cope, but he is such an excellent provider and "Rock" for the family, he refused to let it get in the way of taking care of  me. He was so sweet, but he is sweet for 24 hours a day every day and throughout the years unchanging. I am blessed with a good man. I consider him to be a unicorn. Rare. We talk a lot about what happened, but our healing comes from planning again.
    [Deleted User]srcr2011
  • ninthgirl said:
    My SO took this third loss pretty hard. With the first loss he grieved fairly hard but fairly quickly. With the second he really wanted to believe there was some issue with the 3 FRERs I took and so I think he pretended I was never really pregnant at first. With this last loss we had already had (most) RPL testing done and we had a plan. It seemed like everything should have gone well and then I had another chemical.

    Immediately after we found out about the loss last week I was looking for ideas on how to support a husband after a loss and found nothing. It made me sad. Everything I could find was about how husbands should support their partners. I wish more people were like you, OP, and talked about how guys need support too.
    They really do.  A lot of guys [are expected to] put up a front and pretend they're fine, but they lost just as much as we did and I think it gets overlooked far too easily.

    I never really thought much about it until my second or third loss, then it just kind of hit me like a Mac truck that h was having a hard time coping.  I knew it was hard on him, it was hard on both of us, but it still never really clicked.  And you're right.  There's almost nothing out there to support the partners.  It's terrible.  As much pregnancy loss and PPD awareness as there is going around lately, you'd think there would be at least some sort of push to support the partners as well.
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  • My DH has been wonderful and supportive but I know that he's repressing his feelings about how he is actually feeling.  I've been trying to get it out of him so that it doesn't eat away at him and I'm almost there.  
    BFP #1 09/26/2013 EDD 06/04/2013 MMC 11/01/2013
    BFP #2 05/15/2014 EDD 01/24/2015

    Pregnancy Ticker

  • When I had my first loss he held it together until I went in for the surgery and he burst into tears. He's like a closed book though and never gives anything away on how he's feeling. He was incredibly supportive of me and very attentive. After my second loss he didn't cry but I knew he was upset. He admitted to me he found it really hard to see me so distressed and admitted he'd be willing to try again for another baby, but if the worst happened again he doesn't think he could go through it again, mainly because he can't stand to see me fall to pieces every time. I feel completely devestated because after the birth of our son he suddenly said he didn't want any more kids, even though we'd planned on 2 or 3. I'm an only child and swore my son would have siblings as I hated being on my own. It took 2 years for him to change his mind, and I was ecstatic. Now I feel like I've lost all hope of having another baby.
    He seems to have accepted that our babies have gone so much easier than i have, but now I feel I daren't talk about our losses or express when I'm feeling sad because it reiterates to him that I'm still upset, and it makes him not want to try again. X

    Kieran born 21.1.10

    Angel baby 1 lost 18.6.13

    Angel baby 2 lost 30.10.13

  • My hubby has been amazing throughout this whole thing. He's been both father and mother to DD while I work to process and get past this. We've talked a lot and while he has definitely had some grieving of his own, he's been amazing at just holding me and telling me everything will turn out alright and that he loves me. Its been 2 weeks since we went thru the whole ordeal, and I'm moving on fairly well, but every once in a while when I have one of those hard days, he is always there. I could not imagine going thru this without him.
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