So Saddened/Disappointed by this Board

buggirl72 · November 2013

Today is Thanksgiving and there are many things about the Board that I am thankful for. I have connected with some amazing women on this board who have been through hell yet continue to offer support and guidance to others. I have had strangers offer me kindness and love. I have seen people graduate and go on to have their rainbows. I cannot list all of the goodness in this Board that I am thankful for but lately I have seen things that have deeply saddened me and, as my title says, disappointed me in this Board.

The other day an active, supportive member of this community was attacked on this Board for a post. This is the second time this person was attacked. It was harsh and it was uncalled for. Both times it was done by people defending someone else. Both times the entire story was not known or addressed. This person is now leaving our community. Does she still need us? Yes. Do we still need her? Yes - she provides support, she is kind, she is funny, and she is a good person. She has been here for many, many months and is still able to respond to intros and be supportive to all members, new and old alike. But she has been attacked harshly twice for b.s. reasons and no longer feels safe here. It saddens me.

We just got Petra's post that reminded us to not be so prickly removed. That post was about how we respond to difficult questions but we also need to keep in mind how we respond to the easy questions. Her post was a call-out to BumpJackie to stop someone that was abusing the abuse flag. Some how it became twisted into her bothering the mods on the weekend. Really? She did not page Petra, Wicked, or NCC. They ended up in the thread on their own. If a call-out to BumpJackie is a bat-signal to activating the mods then that is news to me. Trolls and Goats happen on the weekend and she had the right to ask BumpJackie to take care of this. It was not a complaint against our mods for not acting fast enough. She had been told that in this specific issue - abuse flags that need to be removed - BumpJackie was the person she was to contact. So she did. For those who think people should not be bothered by abuse flags they did not earn, good for you. You have that right. But she also has the right to be upset about abuse flags that are not deserved. What was completely lost in all of this was just three days before she had posted about how her HSG showed a mass in her uterus. Remember being scared shitless about something? You tend to get upset about little things that normally would not bother you. We, as a group, tend to be extra supportive to those people. We dropped the ball big time on this one.

This place is a beautiful place. Think about your words. Think about how what you type may come out much harsher than what it would be if you said it in real life. I think some of this harshness is not intended - like when someone intro's with the ticker from their loss still in their siggy and the first several responses are telling her to put a warning in her title. Most of the time they come across short and with zero compassion for the poster who is probably much more hurt by the reminder of where her pg should have been. There are ways to phrase things to soften a request. Other times, the harshness is meant - and it is not necessary.

BethKate2 · November 2013

I'm sad that she's deciding to leave. I didn't respond to her post the other day, but read it and was surprised with the direction it took. I didn't realize there was such a thing as "bothering the mods on the weekends." Either they're on TB and get the page, or they're not, right?

PinkCamino · November 2013

I'm really sorry you feel this way bug.

I also had no idea that she was choosing to leave this board since as of yesterday that was a huge support thread posted in her honor sending her a ton of thoughts and prayers for her u/s to which she also updated. So I'm very confused as to why she's leaving this community and I also find it a little harsh to imply we're not supporting her.

As for the thread over the weekend. I'm very sorry but I didn't find it appropriate. I do not think that the mods should have been bothered over the weekend to take care of abuse flags that would be inconsequential until Monday. Having said that, I do acknowledge that the mods were not the original recipients of that thread and that BJ was. When faced with a troll, we ultimately control how we respond to them. If we choose to fuel the fire so to speak we all know too well that it might result in unnecessary abuse flags. This wasn't the first time something like this happened and from what I remember (I was the recipient of abuse flags) it was taken care of for me. What irritated me was the fact that it made the abuse flags look like an important issue. If the thread had been devoted to banning the troll then by all means but it wasn't written for that reason. But, the goal of that thread was to have her abuse flags removed because she had already gotten 2. At the end of the day, who really cares? It would have gotten taken care of eventually.

As for the fact she was facing an HSG. I'm really sorry but we've all been facing or will face anxiety inducing appointments. Such is the world of TTCAL. I'm truly happy that her issue turned out to be a correctable one but it doesn't give you carte blanche around here.

Sorry you feel we dropped the ball but I don't really agree with it.

ashellypnut · November 2013

This will be my last post on the main board indefinitely. Emotionally, I'm just not in a good place (NTTCALR) and the addition stress of TTCAL doesn't help. Neither does getting bitched out here for something I did that I feel was justified, it's just too much.

I love this community and being able to give (and receive support & love) so this is a tough decision for me. However, I cannot deal with people who cannot say what they mean, without saying it mean. Once the bashing bandwagon gets going, there's no stopping it. I'm tired of explaining and defending myself. It's ok to have a difference of opinion here, clearly we do.

I'll be forever grateful for all of the advice, information, support, encouragement and friendships that I've discovered from this community. I wish you all the best of luck on your journey to grow your families. That's why we're all here after all, right?! Be well, and be kind to each other.

Say What You Mean, But Don't Say It Mean!

xoxo

uneek1323 · November 2013

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

buggirl72 · November 2013

@PinkCamino and @Snedge - I wrote this because, in general, I feel that the board has become overly harsh. The example I cited is just one example. There are others. Yes, in the grand scheme of things, abuse flags are not a big deal but that is not what this is about. I'm not saying the Board needs to be Puppies and Rainbows but I also don't think honest opinions equals harsh.

I also don't feel that @ashellypnut or anyone else should get special treatment because they are going through something. What I was trying to say was that when we know that someone is facing something really, really difficult we recognize that their response to one thing may be motivated by something else. If you reread her post you can see it was about two things - the OP who was flagging everyone (please step in and put a stop to it) and removing her abuse flag. The conversation really went sideways IMO.

And yes, she was given a lot of support yesterday and she responded to that post but the harm had already been done.

PinkCamino · November 2013

@buggirl72

I agree that the thread got sidetracked. But, put yourself in both @Petrastonegirl and @wickedsugards shoes. Both ladies were presumably out doing something completely unrelated to the board and got urgent messages to come fix this problem. Yes, they are mods, but we also have to acknowledge that it was the weekend and ashley was not personally attacked by the troll apart from the abuse flags. IMO flagging a mod over the weekend in such an urgent manner is warranted if your personal information is being spread around. That issue is serious. She chose to get involved in that thread and like I mentioned above you always run the risk of getting undeserving abuse flags when dealing with a troll of any kind. It comes with the territory.

Having said that, Ashley has also gotten a ton of support around here. What needs to be remembered though is that we will never be able to please everyone. Such is the nature of being part of a message board in such a public way. And this is where @Snegde response becomes extremely important. There are so many of us here. We all have very different histories, personalities and beliefs. Things get heated every so often but we act it for what it is and move on. We cannot expect to be friends with every single lady here. That is just unrealistic. It is what it is.

Finally, we've all said harsh things - including Ashley. It is the reality of being part of this community.

MyFirstRaspberry · November 2013

@buggirl72 Thank you so much for posting this. I was too worried about the backlash to post something like this. That is pretty sad, isn't it? I completely agree with you. This board has disappointed me too lately.

@PinkCamino The thread I posted to support @ashellypnut yesterday had a second motive. Beyond sending her positive vibes for her appt, I felt she needed extra hugs because she is going through a rough time.

TTCAL is a special board. All the TTCAL ladies go through hell. Some days are better than others. I am aware from getting to know @ashellypnut that she has been very down lately. And I desperately wanted to lift her spirits. I would not expect all of TTCAL to know the feelings of each member, but my point is that, at any time a member of TTCAL can be having a really bad day. What we say to each other does matter. I do not care for the "don't let internet strangers words get to you" idea because that is not how TTCAL works. We pride ourselves on our supportive community so we should treat each other with the same respect.

I have the highest respect for all mods. I am very thankful to have members keeping a close eye on our board. I respect that mods have busy lives and may not be available to help right away. If it were me in that thread and a mod told me, hey I'm busy, I'll get to it later. I would have been totally fine waiting it out. I have no idea what happens if someone gets an abuse flag - maybe nothing. I can understand the concern if you get one.

My heart breaks that @ashellypnut is leaving our board. She is a valued member that has always been there for me and many other ladies. In many ways, I am ashamed of our board for pushing a member away and I hang my head in shame for not speaking up before. I'm sorry @ashellypnut. You will be missed dearly!

anitaflora · November 2013

Eiither mod had the option of deciding, "This is not something that requires my immediate attention and I am going to choose not to respond to it right now because I am in the middle of doing something. I'll get to it when I get to it." I do not agree with the that either *had* to respond and take time from what they were doing. It was a choice. I think if they had chosen to wait and respond as they were able it wouldn't have been a big deal at all.

I am really sad that she is leaving. I am sad that she was so hurt by the things that were said on the thread that she feels she has to leave. But ultimately I also agree that it is a public message board and if you're going to be a part of the community here, you just take the good and the bad. Or rather, take the good and ignore the bad. It's each person's responsibility to do that when part of this kind of community.

PinkCamino · November 2013

MyFirstRaspberry said:

@buggirl72 Thank you so much for posting this. I was too worried about the backlash to post something like this. That is pretty sad, isn't it? I completely agree with you. This board has disappointed me too lately.

@PinkCamino The thread I posted to support @ashellypnut yesterday had a second motive. Beyond sending her positive vibes for her appt, I felt she needed extra hugs because she is going through a rough time.

TTCAL is a special board. All the TTCAL ladies go through hell. Some days are better than others. I am aware from getting to know @ashellypnut that she has been very down lately. And I desperately wanted to lift her spirits. I would not expect all of TTCAL to know the feelings of each member, but my point is that, at any time a member of TTCAL can be having a really bad day. What we say to each other does matter. I do not care for the "don't let internet strangers words get to you" idea because that is not how TTCAL works. We pride ourselves on our supportive community so we should treat each other with the same respect.

I have the highest respect for all mods. I am very thankful to have members keeping a close eye on our board. I respect that mods have busy lives and may not be available to help right away. If it were me in that thread and a mod told me, hey I'm busy, I'll get to it later. I would have been totally fine waiting it out. I have no idea what happens if someone gets an abuse flag - maybe nothing. I can understand the concern if you get one.

My heart breaks that @ashellypnut is leaving our board. She is a valued member that has always been there for me and many other ladies. In many ways, I am ashamed of our board for pushing a member away and I hang my head in shame for not speaking up before. I'm sorry @ashellypnut. You will be missed dearly!

Again, this goes back to what I told @buggirl72 earlier - we are ALL going through a rough time. ALL of us. We all have unique histories yes and as a result we all cope differently. So many ladies reached out to her yesterday and now that I read her post in this very thread again it really does upset me. Myself and dozens of other ladies reached out to her yesterday - we sent her well wishes because we truly wished nothing but the best results for her u/s. I was one of the ones who argued that her thread over the weekend was unnecessary, did it prevent me from supporting her yesterday? No.

To have her tell us to play "nice" and say what we mean but not in a "mean" way is actually pretty insulting.

PinkCamino · November 2013

anitaflora said:

Eiither mod had the option of deciding, "This is not something that requires my immediate attention and I am going to choose not to respond to it right now because I am in the middle of doing something. I'll get to it when I get to it." I do not agree with the that either *had* to respond and take time from what they were doing. It was a choice. I think if they had chosen to wait and respond as they were able it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. I am really sad that she is leaving. I am sad that she was so hurt by the things that were said on the thread that she feels she has to leave. But ultimately I also agree that it is a public message board and if you're going to be a part of the community here, you just take the good and the bad. Or rather, take the good and ignore the bad. It's each person's responsibility to do that when part of this kind of community.

If you were the mod and you were getting repeated text messages on your phone, would you say no?

anitaflora · November 2013

PinkCamino said:

anitaflora said:

Eiither mod had the option of deciding, "This is not something that requires my immediate attention and I am going to choose not to respond to it right now because I am in the middle of doing something. I'll get to it when I get to it." I do not agree with the that either *had* to respond and take time from what they were doing. It was a choice. I think if they had chosen to wait and respond as they were able it wouldn't have been a big deal at all.

I am really sad that she is leaving. I am sad that she was so hurt by the things that were said on the thread that she feels she has to leave. But ultimately I also agree that it is a public message board and if you're going to be a part of the community here, you just take the good and the bad. Or rather, take the good and ignore the bad. It's each person's responsibility to do that when part of this kind of community.

If you were the mod and you were getting repeated text messages on your phone, would you say no?

If it wasn't something urgent, yes, I would. I would either tell them, "chill out, it's not an urgent matter." Or, I'd ignore them until I could respond, trusting that someone who has my private cell number would understand that. And I also personally wouldn't give my cell number to very many people anyway.

Those are my choices if I were in that situation. My point was that no one forced anyone to respond.

Every person in the scenario you described has a choice and a responsibility for their choices. The person who texts is the one choosing to text. The mod is the person choosing to respond. The person hurt is responsible for their choice to leave.

It seems to be getting mixed up as to who should shoulder blame for who's actions. Take responsibility for your own choices and actions is my only point. For every person involved.

uneek1323 · November 2013

anitaflora said:

anitaflora said:

Eiither mod had the option of deciding, "This is not something that requires my immediate attention and I am going to choose not to respond to it right now because I am in the middle of doing something. I'll get to it when I get to it." I do not agree with the that either *had* to respond and take time from what they were doing. It was a choice. I think if they had chosen to wait and respond as they were able it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. I am really sad that she is leaving. I am sad that she was so hurt by the things that were said on the thread that she feels she has to leave. But ultimately I also agree that it is a public message board and if you're going to be a part of the community here, you just take the good and the bad. Or rather, take the good and ignore the bad. It's each person's responsibility to do that when part of this kind of community.

If you were the mod and you were getting repeated text messages on your phone, would you say no?
If it wasn't something urgent, yes, I would. I would either tell them, "chill out, it's not an urgent matter." Or, I'd ignore them until I could respond, trusting that someone who has my private cell number would understand that. And I also personally wouldn't give my cell number to very many people anyway. Those are my choices if I were in that situation. My point was that no one forced anyone to respond. Every person in the scenario you described has a choice and a responsibility for their choices. The person who texts is the one choosing to text. The mod is the person choosing to respond. The person hurt is responsible for their choice to leave. It seems to be getting mixed up as to who should shoulder blame for who's actions. Take responsibility for your own choices and actions is my only point. For every person involved.

But the thing is that this is what was said and it was taken as an attack. I'm not responsible for how people react.

PinkCamino · November 2013

anitaflora said:

anitaflora said:

Eiither mod had the option of deciding, "This is not something that requires my immediate attention and I am going to choose not to respond to it right now because I am in the middle of doing something. I'll get to it when I get to it." I do not agree with the that either *had* to respond and take time from what they were doing. It was a choice. I think if they had chosen to wait and respond as they were able it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. I am really sad that she is leaving. I am sad that she was so hurt by the things that were said on the thread that she feels she has to leave. But ultimately I also agree that it is a public message board and if you're going to be a part of the community here, you just take the good and the bad. Or rather, take the good and ignore the bad. It's each person's responsibility to do that when part of this kind of community.

If you were the mod and you were getting repeated text messages on your phone, would you say no?
If it wasn't something urgent, yes, I would. I would either tell them, "chill out, it's not an urgent matter." Or, I'd ignore them until I could respond, trusting that someone who has my private cell number would understand that. And I also personally wouldn't give my cell number to very many people anyway. Those are my choices if I were in that situation. My point was that no one forced anyone to respond. Every person in the scenario you described has a choice and a responsibility for their choices. The person who texts is the one choosing to text. The mod is the person choosing to respond. The person hurt is responsible for their choice to leave. It seems to be getting mixed up as to who should shoulder blame for who's actions. Take responsibility for your own choices and actions is my only point. For every person involved.

I'm pretty sure that's exactly what @wickedsugar said. Having said that by the time you're in a position to say wait and I'll fix it later you've already been disturbed and sucked into looking into the problem kwim? Having said that, if Wicked or Petra had ignored the issue because they felt that it wasn't an important one what would have happened then? People would have said our mod is ineffective? You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

And let's get one thing clear, I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just sharing my opinion. You are allowed to disagree with me Anita and I'm allowed to disagree with you.

anitaflora · November 2013

@PinkCamino sorry I'm on mobile so I can't really easily quote and chop etc., but just wanted to clarify I didn't think you were blaming anyone and yes, we absolutely can agree to disagree. You are someone I've come to consider a good friend and I often disagree with my good friends. Just wanted to make sure you knew that.

anitaflora · November 2013

@uneek - I am obviously not in the know about who said what to whom and how it all went, but I agree, no one is responsible for how other people react. That's part of what I'm trying to say. Each person is only responsible for their own decisions and reactions.

PinkCamino · November 2013

anitaflora said:

@uneek - I am obviously not in the know about who said what to whom and how it all went, but I agree, no one is responsible for how other people react. That's part of what I'm trying to say. Each person is only responsible for their own decisions and reactions.

Anita, if you read the thread, I think there were 5 or 6 who thought that the original thread was out of line. Based on us (yes I disagreed with that thread and still do) she's decided to take a break from the ENTIRE community.

The point is, just because a handful of us disagreed with her it in no way means that she needs to peace out. Most of us even sent her well wishes yesterday that's why this boggles my mind completely.

anitaflora · November 2013

"just because a handful of us disagreed with her it in no way means that she needs to peace out."

Yes, exactly, I do agree with that part.

LifeofCat · November 2013

I don't think taking an indefinite break is in your best interest, since you're clearly well-loved by many, and will continue to have that support, but ultimately, you know what's best for you and I wish you well, @ashellypnut !

I know I'm just a newbie, but I've already had some days where I had to take a small break from here. It's rough for everyone, and on occasion, it's just too overwhelming. Sometimes, it just takes one comment to throw me off, and although I see both sides re: that infamous thread, remember that you have several ladies that you can lean on during a tough time. It's like that in "real life", and I don't think feel it's any different here. You get along with some, not so well with others, and if someone said something that really bothered you, simply take a breather and think about it and/or confront them in a pm. Easier said than done, I know... just trying to offer some insight (even though it might have been a waste to type this out if you're already gone heheh).

buggirl72 · November 2013

wickedsugar said:

So let me get this straight.. As a mod I should be around 24/7 to immediately remove flags ? Because that's what this was about, that according to Ashley, the flags were not removed ASAP.. Screw the fact that we have lives & that removing flags while mobile sucks... Yeah like I said in that thread & I will again, I am not the Mod for this board, I help out when I can, so both of these posts are like a slap to me.. At this point I have no desire to help anymore & if someone comes and flags you guys.. You can wait for Petra to deal with it.. I am done trying to do my damnedest to protect this board, when all I am getting is shat on.

Wicked - I am certainly not saying you or any mod needs to be here 24/7. That post did not page a mod. It was a call out to BumpJackie - if that causes the mods to be paged then that is something many of us did not know.

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