August 2013 Moms
kanned0121
member
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Relationships
kanned0121
member
So I've read that quite a few of us have had a somewhat difficult time balancing our LOs and SOs.. I for one have struggled with it. I even considered leaving DH and going to my parents a few times because I was so overwhelmed and felt like I was all alone in this whole experience. I love my DH and I know we're just both adjusting.. But it's hard sometimes.
I love my LO to the moon and back a million times.. But it has definitely added some unexpected challenges with mine and DH's relationship.
I was looking online for how to help strengthen relationships and I found an idea about getting a journal and writing something you love about your SO every day for a year, no matter how mad you may be at them. The feedback on it was really positive, so I might give it a try.
What is everyone doing to help make their relationships better?
I love my LO to the moon and back a million times.. But it has definitely added some unexpected challenges with mine and DH's relationship.
I was looking online for how to help strengthen relationships and I found an idea about getting a journal and writing something you love about your SO every day for a year, no matter how mad you may be at them. The feedback on it was really positive, so I might give it a try.
What is everyone doing to help make their relationships better?
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Re: Relationships
I'm not trying to brag (I promise!), but H and I haven't actually had many issues since LO. Sure, the dynamic may have changed, but we don't fight.
My LO continues to refuse a bottle, I've been away from her for a grand total of 45 minutes to get my hair cut once. If we do something, the baby comes with us. So, it can be done! Not very romantic, but doable.
We just have a "rule" that if you want to say something, say it. Be honest. Don't hold on to it and become resentful and bitter. Then TALK about it, no fighting. Have an adult conversation. My biggest issues was feeling so isolated with LO because no one else could feed her. The solution we came up with (together) was that H got up with me (no one got more sleep than the other), H does all the diapers when he's around, and he doesn't just sit around while I feed her (other things need to get done).
Sharing the load has really worked for our relationship. No one can get upset that they're doing "all the work". But again, that's just what worked for us, every relationship is different. Wow, I'm really sorry for rambling.
Good luck @kanned0121, I'm sorry you're struggling with this.
I also figured out HOW i was asking for help was an issue. My DH (and I think most men in general) is pretty literal. In the beginning i kept asking DH "do you want to....." Instead of "I need you to...." Or "could you...."
He heard do you WANT and answered no sometimes when I wasn't really asking if he preferred to do whatever it was, but I needed him to do it.
1. DH gets up and changes LO's diapers then I nurse her. Early on he'd stay up to talk to me but I got into the groove faster than last time and didn't need him to keep doing that much. He still does if I'm frustrated, just so I have someone to whine to.
2. Since I breastfeed, he takes on a lot of chores that otherwise we'd share, like dishes. During the day when I'm nursing her, he often uses that time to get stuff done.
These and other things help keep us fr being grumpy with each other, but mostly because we've been really direct about who does what and also we know it won't be like this forever. We have lots of time when we remind each other this first year will be tough but we know it gets easier.
For our relationship, it helps us a lot that both girls are usually down by 8 and we have and hour or two to ourselves. We try to really spend that time together and not do too many chores, etc if we can avoid them. Good time to reconnect. Sometimes we watch tv other times we just talk, etc. The main thing I've found as PP said is being open and honest and direct because it's far better to get things out than have them fester. The times I've been upset and said something we were usually able to work things out quickly. And I hate having stuff hanging over my head stressing me (and him) out.
Talking things out is important. DTD at least once a week is a great way of reconnecting, and we try to make sure to do that too. Also, like PP said, speak up and tell your SO when you need something. My DH is great at doing things like making dinner, cleaning up after, and getting DS ready for bath.. but if I don't say, hey will you take out the trash? Or, will you fold this load of laundry? He won't do these things on his own accord.
Remember the first year is hard, but it does get easier.
ETA: Also, we instituted early bedtimes for both kids at the very beginning so we could have evenings to ourselves. Now both kids are in their rooms by 7:30pm and we have the rest of the night to spend together.