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Article re: recent discussion about yelling at kids

hopankahopanka member
in Blended Families

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-orange-rhino/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling_b_2886161.html

I like this article, especially point #2:  recognizing that many times we dare to yell and act like a fool only because we don't have a judging audience. Clearly, we can control our emotions in public much better, so what gives us permission to unleash on our kids when nobody's watching?...and really NOBODY? What about our kids? They are the most important audience and they're learning from us. It's unfair to them that we give ourselves permission "to lose it" only because we can and they can't judge us back (or we don't care that they judge us).

Number 6 is also an absolute truth.

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Re: Article re: recent discussion about yelling at kids

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  • hopankahopanka member
    We'll agree to disagree, I guess. I don't yell, in any way you wanna describe it, and it works for me. IMO, justifying occasional yelling is like justifying occasional yelling at your boss, neighbor, your kids teacher...etc, because they all piss us off on occasion.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    CFjo2010 said:

    I dunno, my parents yelled at me when I was growing up and I turned out all right.  I'm not some sort of angry monster or delinquent.  And when I was in their house I swore they were the "meanest parents" ever.  My kids now?  Yeah they tell me I'm horrible and mean sometimes.  It's called parenting.  Kids aren't supposed to "like" you all the time.


    I think this whole "no yelling" goes hand-in-hand with not disciplining children, everyone gets an award for trying, not keeping score in soccer or tball games, etc.  We're raising kids to not know how to deal with disappointment, loss, failure or anger.  These kids are in for a rude awakening when they become adults and discover that not everybody wins and sometimes, just sometimes, they're going to fail at something.
    I totally agree. That being said, I think we all agree that there is a line when yelling or screaming becomes unhealthy and damaging. I do think that it is a sometimes ok and sometimes too far situation.

    This is an extreme scenario, but if yelling "I said stop!" at my 7yo when she rides her bike to far ahead and didn't listen the first time is going to save her from an incoming car, then I would rather yell and make sure she knows how important it is that she hear me, listen to me, and that she is in HUGE trouble if she doesn't than just saying, "Well at least she isn't dead" after she gets hit by that car.

    That also being said, I think I tell too much and allow my own frustrations to feed my yelling way too often. The right mindset behind the tone is important.
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  • hopankahopanka member
    edited November 2013
    Actually, the - no yelling equals no discipline - is far from the truth. You portay much more of authority when you are calm. When you lose it, you lose control, you dont seem like you have a firm grasp on the situation. I work in conflict resolution daily, in my profession, and the first and basic response to someone who is yelling, tantruming or otherwise out of control, is - you lower and slow down your own voice. It works great with adults...and with kids as well.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    I agree that when one person is at a high level of excitement, it never works to also get excited. So no, yelling would not work on a 2 year old in a full blown tantrum.

    But I stand by the statement that it is a "sometimes ok, sometimes too far" issue.

    There is a difference in raising your voice and losing control.
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member
    I yell at my kids sometimes. Sometimes I raise my voice to be heard over their cacophony. Sometimes I raise my voice because I've had enough of whatever they're doing. I can think of one occasion when I screamed at my child in fury, and it was after he broke away from me and ran out into a relatively busy street. 



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  • coopsbabycoopsbaby member
    edited November 2013
    ambrvan said: I agree that when one person is at a high level of excitement, it never works to also get excited. So no, yelling would not work on a 2 year old in a full blown tantrum. But I stand by the statement that it is a "sometimes ok, sometimes too far" issue. There is a difference in raising your voice and losing control.


             This. If my child is doing something dangerous and isn't listening and is out of my reach, you damn well better believe my voice is being raised at them. When my teenager smarts off to me for the umpteenth time, you better believe she gets a loud "Hey! That's enough." Being loud =/= out of control.     I don't unleash on them. I'm not shaking and angry and crazed. I'm raising my volume. I 100% agree that kids aren't going to listen if you lose it. But a little volume is not going to hurt anybody. I am not "yelling" at my kids because I'm "pissed" at them. I'm loud to get their attention. And it works. 
       
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    But @hopanka, if your child listens to you without raising the volume, congratulations and keep it up. I would LOVE to live in a home where I never had to be louder. And that's not me being snarky. I'm serious. Unfortunately, not everyone has that.

    And since I don't have that, if you come to house, be prepared to hear some volume
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  • PumpkinpiemommaPumpkinpiemomma member
    CFjo2010 said:

    I dunno, my parents yelled at me when I was growing up and I turned out all right.  I'm not some sort of angry monster or delinquent.  And when I was in their house I swore they were the "meanest parents" ever.  My kids now?  Yeah they tell me I'm horrible and mean sometimes.  It's called parenting.  Kids aren't supposed to "like" you all the time.


    I think this whole "no yelling" goes hand-in-hand with not disciplining children, everyone gets an award for trying, not keeping score in soccer or tball games, etc.  We're raising kids to not know how to deal with disappointment, loss, failure or anger.  These kids are in for a rude awakening when they become adults and discover that not everybody wins and sometimes, just sometimes, they're going to fail at something.
    I agree with all of this times a million. I was even spanked occasionally *grabs pearls* and to date I have not become a drug addict, stripper or other unsavory life form.
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