Would this bug you?

MamaHanna · November 2013

So since I have been having some pretty consistent pre-e issues it looks like I will be induced next week at 39 weeks. Well my doctor starts them at night and babies are normally born the next day. I can pick a day as long as it's after Thursday (when I turn 39 weeks). DH and his family want me to do Friday 12/6. This is where the weird part comes in. Last year on 12/7 my BIL passed away. He had very sever down syndrome and spina bifida. He was 26 years old and for someone in his condition that was an amazing life to get and he was very loved. He basically was the reason my MIL got out of bed every day. She was his care taker his whole life and gave up everything to be there for him. She was basically a zombie until we told her that we were having a baby and she would get to be her care taker while we work. Basically LO has been what has gotten her though this.

They think it would be a nice way to "change the meaning of that day." My DH has never lost someone close to him prior to this. It's been 12 years since my grandpa (who was my "father figure" and we were extremely close) died but October 19th still hits me every year. I don't want to make LO's birthday about her uncles death. But how do I say that to a grieving mother and 3 people who lost their brother?

I don't know if I am just being dramatic thinking about how that would make me feel if I was in his moms place and lost my child that was my whole life for 26 years or if it really is a bad idea. What would you do?

cherylnicole · November 2013

I think it's a fantastic way to cherish someone's memory and have the day have new meaning. That being said, it would honestly probably bother me.

Eta-it also seems like you're kind of being pressured into it! I would definitely talk to your DH if you don't feel 100% about it.

monkeybutt61612 · November 2013

I personally would not want my baby born on that particular day, nor would I want someone trying to dictate my induction. Pick whatver day is comfortable for you.

mavgirl_73 · November 2013

Yes it would bother me. I'm sensitive to people "sharing" special days. The way I would see it is as happy a day as her bday would be it would always be somewhat overshadowed by her uncle's death. Of course I'm aware that people share these sorts of things but I think it's different when they are immediate family. I would discuss it with your DH and make a decision together. Decide to schedule your induction and just let it roll out. Don't get backed into a corner for the sake of others feelings. Your baby girl deserves a day all of her own.

Gapeach83 · November 2013

My DH's birthday happens to be the day my dad passed away. He passed away before I meet DH. It kinda bothers him. Of course there is nothing I can do to change it but it would be nice if they where not on the same day. It does distract a little from the loss but I wouldn't try to make my LO born on a day someone close passed.

alanna7777 · November 2013

If you aren't comfortble I wouldn't do it. My cousin picked her c-section date and it was our great-grandma's and great aunt's birthday(both passed away years ago but were big parts of our childhood). She thought it was a great date as a remembrance. I think your situation hits a little too close to home and a recent loss personally. Your baby deserves their own day too.

lzponce · November 2013

If you end up deciding that you aren't comfortable with 12/7 as your LO's b'day, you can always pick a random day and blame it on your doctor - tell everyone that he ended picking a random date because his schedule changed (or something like that).

Ohiomama2013 · November 2013

If it happened naturally, then so be it. However, I wouldn't want to schedule a birth to reassign new meaning to a date of death. Perhaps if you schedule induction for a different day and then tell everyone you feel you would honor the brother more by leaving the day of remembrance about him only? Frame it as a way to keep your precious baby from overshadowing this young man's memory?

Aycul18 · November 2013

That's a tough situation. Although I see where they are coming from, I really feel like the death of BIL would always overshadow LOs birthday. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it, if it were a choice. If it happens naturally then there's nothing you can do, but I wouldn't by choice. I would talk to DH and tell him that although you loved his brother as well, you just don't feel comfortable with it. You can also just tell them that the 6th wasn't available with your doctor, so you had to do a different day.

mlwerts · November 2013

This would most definitely bother me! As PP's have said if you're not comfortable I wouldn't do it. Something to think about is, one day LO will realize that you choose that date. If picking that date doesn't reassign the meaning of the day that may make it extra tough for LO.

amyebsiler · November 2013

It is whatever you feel comfortable with. My dad passed away on Christmas day and we still celebrate Christmas as we used to... it is still our favorite holiday. I feel that because it is your BIL's birthday too, it is more of a celebration than a sad memory. I like that what a PP said in that you can always say that the doc thought it better to do it on a different day. Then you aren't the "bad guy" in any way. Good luck as I know these conversations are hard to have with family members who are still grieving.

MamaHanna · November 2013

Thanks for the input everyone! DH is on board with it also because he does not see how it is a big deal. He just wants her here ASAP so the fact that it's the first day available I thinks what is swaying him most. DH is the "strong silent type" so he is treating this as "just another day."

azmama20 · November 2013

I would say that if it doesn't bother you, it'd be a nice way to bring some light into that day that seems to be a bit dreary for DH's family. That being said though, I would only do it if you felt comfortable, not just because you feel pressured into doing so.

lifesaverz · November 2013

I think their reasoning of wanting to "change the meaning" is really positive & sweet, but that said, it's more about whatever YOU feel comfortable with. I'm pretty sure for me that would bother me, & I don't think I'd be able to get around that "bittersweet" feeling on the birthdays, but if you feel totally comfortable with it then I don't see it being an issue.

RNmommyof2 · November 2013

I wouldn't like it, either. It's one thing if baby chooses to be born that day, but completely different if you choose baby to be born that day. I'm due the same day as you, but will be having a scheduled c-section (#3) on December 5. The doctor let me choose between the 5th and the 6th and I chose the 5th because my BFF's birthday is the 6th and I don't want them to share.

MamaHanna · November 2013

M&H2011 said:

As far as wanting to change the meaning of that particular date to your DH's side of the family I'd go for it if it was important to me too. I don't see the harm in it if everyone is in support of it and you are 100% on board.
My only concern would be that it sounds like your Dr. wants to induce you early for medical reasons. Is that a factor that you are weighing in your decision?

I am taking into account the fact that they are doing it for medical reasons. It is the first day available and I was just going to do it the second day (actually on 12/7). I don;t want to drag it out I just want an extra 24hrs as to not have her on the same day. My doctor was ok with that choice since my issues have been mild.

stinkerbell2006 · November 2013

Could you try and use your doctor to get out of it being an awkward situation for you? For example tell the family the doctor is not available on Fridays if he can help it? Or you can say it just the way you explained it to us and hope they understand.

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