Need some advice...MIL death mentioned
StefanieM522
member
I want to know what you ladies think…My best friend told me that she thinks I should go to therapy to get over my MIL’s suicide from last year, because she feels like I can’t move on from it.
This all started because over the weekend I was talking to my best friend and just mentioned that I was super excited for the holidays this year (I even purchased the Santa diapers from Target over the weekend even though I know they go under his clothes), as I feel we got jipped out on Wesley’s first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas because of my MIL’s suicide 10 days after Wesley was born last year and the holidays were very rough last year for my Husband so I didn’t decorate and we only saw my family as my husbands grandmother and aunt blamed me and Welsey for the MIL’s suicide (supposedly she left it in a note, but no one will show us the note), so we had a very low key holiday season, and didn’t see much family or go enjoy the festivities with friends and family.
After a year of therapy my husband is back to his old self and has coped with his mother’s death, and his family blaming me, and is actually looking forward to the holidays again! Yeah, we had our ups and downs throughout the year but I finally feel like we are a family again. My husband and I did talk about me going to therapy but I feel like I don’t need it, but I could just be in denial.
I was taken back when my friend told me this as I thought that I handled it very well, my OB was talking to me every couple of weeks to make sure that I didn’t develop post partum depression, and my family helped me a ton while my husband dealt with everything so I am very grateful for everyone who was there to help us when we needed it. I do think that what my MIL did was very selfish of her, but she had been threatening suicide for 17 years, before she finally did it so I think no one actually took her seriously.
I guess I am asking if you would go to therapy or am I making a big deal out of nothing here. I know a few other O12 bumpies have lost loved ones and I want to know how you all dealt with it. I did love the woman, as she was my Husbands mother, but we did not get along very well, no matter how hard I tried.
Sorry it’s so long, big glass of wine for everyone who made
it through!
Re: Need some advice...MIL death mentioned
Feelings about death and lost loved ones ebb and flow and come in a variety of emotions, especially around milestones in one's life, holidays, birthdays, etc.; so while I don't miss the days immediately following her death, I at least felt free in that time to cry and be irritable for no reason other than that I was grieving. I felt like people understood and didn't question it. Despite randomly still feeling the effects of her death a lot, I don't feel like people are connecting the dots this far out, so there seems to be less understanding and permission for me to express my grief in this manner. Does that make sense?
For me, it's been a long and hard road because, well, she was my mother, and that is a love and a relationship you cannot replace. For you, things might be different because she was your mother-in-law and it sounds like your relationship was rocky. But that doesn't mean you don't have genuine and even intense feelings about her death or about how her death has affected your husband and your family. That being said, if you feel you are acknowledging and dealing with them properly, I don't think simply talking about the situation means you need therapy. I say it couldn't hurt if you're tempted to try it out, but don't let someone's flippant suggestion make you question how you're dealing with things. Most people who truly need therapy aren't even asking themselves the questions you're asking yourself to begin with, so there's that.
I'm very pro-therapy, but in my experience dealing with death, I just think people don't understand how complex and long-lasting even healthy grief really is.
Thanks ladies. The holidays have really brought her death back up to the surface for me. We just had her one year just a few weeks ago. I think I might make an appointment just talk it out with someone but I agree completely that people.don't understand the grieving process and I know that everyone grieves in there own way. Thank you for all your input. I never thought about it until my friend mentioned it.
@ziegeficker I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.
Freshie Girl 9.29.12