The daddy

Sharonnnstone · November 2013

Hey girls! Needing advice for this. Okay, so I'm a young mom. This one will be my first. So you can only imagine how nervous D is. He doesn't talk about excitement. Well he doesn't talk about it at all. Makes me feel nervous. It's seems like he's not ready, even though I wasn't either at first. I wanna see him care for me and this baby. Am I the only one ?

chaysefaith · November 2013

BrightEyes112 said:

Hey girls! Needing advice for this. Okay, so I'm a young mom. This one will be my first. So you can only imagine how nervous D is. He doesn't talk about excitement. Well he doesn't talk about it at all. Makes me feel nervous. It's seems like he's not ready, even though I wasn't either at first. I wanna see him care for me and this baby. Am I the only one ?
How old is young? Sometimes guys take longer for it to sink in and for them to get excited.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

colllydon · November 2013

My DH is 29 and he didn't seem excited until after the first ultrasound. Now he follows me around and talks to my belly.

MollySm · November 2013

Has he seen baby on an ultrasound yet? I know that made things more real for my H with our first.

lellymine · November 2013

DH didn't really grasp it until our ultrasound and heard the heartbeat. Now he's so excited that he's telling everyone he's going to be a dad. Seriously everyone, today he told the lady that runs a cupcake store.

I bet he just needs a bit more time.

Sharonnnstone · November 2013

Teen mom (18)

chaysefaith · November 2013

Well. Every guy is different. I was 18 when I had my oldest. I don't want to say much because I don't want to scare you. At 18, he's probably scared. Good luck

tbmadeamistake · November 2013

My DH was 30 when we were expecting C and he didn't "get it" until we found out she was a girl and he started being able to feel her kick. That said, his brother, who's 20, is expecting his first right now with his gf. She's due at the end of December and he still has his good and bad days. He's overwhelmed, and she's not great at acknowledging that. I think if you keep the communication open, and try not to judge his feelings (because it's ok for him to be overwhelmed, or to not know how he feels), hopefully he'll come around sooner than later. GL!

MaidMarion25 · November 2013

They say that a woman becomes a mother the moment she finds out she is pregnant, and a man becomes a father when he sees his child for the first time.
Try not to worry about it, it's easier said than done, but once it becomes more tangible for him, such as feeling the baby move inside you, he will come around.

Mztwilson · November 2013

Honestly I think it's a guy thing. My husband is 30 and by no means is he jumping for joy or waiting on my every need. He's flat out told me it's not that exciting until you know what it is or you can feel it move ect. The first part of pregnancy is boring. Your sick and emotional. Your boobs are sore and you can't get enough sleep. I wouldn't be to worried yet.

CherSomething · November 2013

My baby's father is 40 and we don't talk about baby. He's not excited. He just… is. He asked me a couple days ago when my next appointment was, I feigned ignorance… Which appointment? He couldn't say baby doctor… midwife… for your belly… pregnancy appt… He was just like "For your feet! Never mind!" I knew what he was asking me, I'm just trying to get him to say it. He can't! He seems kind of uncomfortable.

What I'm getting at is I think they can be nervous at any age. Mine's nervous being an older dad… Yours is nervous being a younger dad. Both valid. Some dads take more time.

I'm sure he will be fine! He'll see that baby at your big ultrasound, he'll see her movements across your belly… Dads can take more time. This is big. Don't worry.

jjva · November 2013

Agree with all the wise advice above, and I also think it just depends on how excited your BF gets about life in general! Like if he's usually a pretty stoic guy, he might be stoic about this too but it doesn't reflect how he actually feels, it's just his personality?

tnd1218 · November 2013

Had my daughter at 18 and agree with all previous post especially the mothers who also had children at 18. Don't want to scare you but give him time don't pressure him into feeling a certain way. At the same time I don't think you should hide your feelings of excitement.

Nancy1250 · November 2013

My hubby is starting to open up. @ 8 week scan Dr. Pointed out baby and he said " I won't believe until I see it"

Very telling of men in general. Yet, he sobbed in my arms (I'd never seen him cry) when we found out about our IF issues and the thought of not being able to procreate.

They care. They are just different.

Sharonnnstone · November 2013

Thes are all interesting and great comments! Makes me feel a lot better. Thank you all !

SchoolPsychSteph · November 2013

I was 19 with my first and DH (he was bf at the time) seriously played world of warcraft all day everyday. He was very depressed, not excited, and really didn't want anything to do with either of us. It was terrible, but he came back to life the moment she was born. He was in the delivery room and put on her first diaper. The day we took DD home, that song, Suddenly I See, was on the radio and he said it was his song for Addie (DD).

So, I agree with the other posters and guys just need their own time. Mine took 9 months, yours may take however long he needs. Just be patient and don't rush him. Hang in there! ((Hugs))

wtfisup · November 2013

MaidMarion25 said:

They say that a woman becomes a mother the moment she finds out she is pregnant, and a man becomes a father when he sees his child for the first time.

HAH! Dude, I must be a man, then. My motto right now is SAVOR THE DAYS. We're both fairly psyched, but I'm like, "Let's just be us as long as possible." Late night theatre trips, dining, etc. Nothing about me feels maternal right now, which I'm fine with.

wtfisup · November 2013

I think it can depend a lot on where he's at, and I would do everything possible to encourage him to find support. Men have all the feelings of women and often very few of the coping mechanisms, support networks, or emotional outlets. Lacking a socially ingrained ability to express concerns, some guys default into a denial. Society really puts guys at a disadvantage by stifling their emotional intelligence for the sake of constructing/preserving masculinity during adolescence, but that never works: all people, regardless of gender, reach a point where they need effective ways to handle life. A lot of guys end up having to find that in adulthood, and sometimes kids enter their lives before that point.

This just reminds me so much of both my father and father-in-law: they both became dads at nineteen and it wasn't easy for them. It can seem like a real loss of control for young men.

Tell him that you wonder how he feels, that you know this is scary, and that you hope he has someone to talk to. Stress to him that his life is still ahead of him, including a lot of choices and opportunities. Society sometimes gives guys this image that children are little bombs that destroy all freedom and aspirations.

I think it can be tricky to work out dealing with one's own feelings and also being supportive of a partner. Is he being supportive of you right now? If not, I'd guess he's feeling pretty backed into a corner. If he is, then he may just need more time.

My only real advice is don't try to force it: sometimes with these situations, you see the enthusiastic half of the couple try to produce that enthusiasm in the other person by constantly talking about it, bringing it up, etc. Spend time being his partner, doing the things you enjoy, and nourishing your relationship.

TricksyPixie · November 2013

Me and my husband are pretty young parents to be too. I'm 22 and he is 23, but we have always kind of been a few steps ahead of our age. We had been trying for a little over a year and a half, but after so many opks and negative tests, this baby came out of nowhere, and at such a hard time, because he lost his job and we were adjusting to his new job at the time we found out. Not to mention we couldn't get insurance yet. So my husband's reaction was more of fear of my and my baby's health. Once everything got worked out, he started mellowing out and now kisses me and my belly goodbye before he leaves for work, and when we are laying down to sleep, he always strokes my belly. He kind of enjoyed telling his boss he needed a day off next week so we could see our baby for the first time. I hope your guy is just a little overwhelmed or doesn't know how to process the info currently and warms up soon.

best of luck!

babygabe614 · November 2013

Like the PPs said, I would give him time. My H is 30 and this will be his second child (my first) and it is hard to get any real emotion out of him. However, I also know my H is someone who always looks at the worst case scenario and doesn't like to get excited about things too soon. He is like this with everything in his life, so I have to remind myself a lot that that's just how he is and it doesn't mean he isn't excited. It just means he is nervous and waiting until things are more "final" before letting on that he is excited. I'm sure your BF is just a ball of emotions over this huge change and might not know how to express it yet. Give him some time to come around.

EmbracingChange · November 2013

My husband will be 27 when the baby comes and this is our third. He graduates college in May and when the other two were born he was in the Marine Corps. He was there for the birth of DD(6) and was deployed for the birth of our son(4). When people ask him if he was sad that he missed it he says, "well, not the birth because I saw the birth of the first one and it was a bit like The Exorcist. But I do wish I could have held him immediately. He was 5 weeks old when I came back and I had to adjust to him."

My mother in law is a bit butch. She often feels the same way he does, but also being a woman she gets my feelings and his. She summed it up perfectly. She said, "babies are strange creatures- adorably sucking dry their hosts and stealing their mothers hearts. Fathers are more interested in seeing things happen. When that kid starts walking, then daddy will get excited. Moms watch babies sleep, dads watch babies move."

DH held our daughter, fed, burped, and rocked her. But when she started walking, they became inseparable. Finally, a partner in crime.... And someone small enough to get under the chair to grab the remote.

kimckerrigan · November 2013

My H doesn't seem to care at all. It's frustrating because this was planned, so I feel so down about his lack of caring / acknowledgment / excitement. He has a son from a previous relationship and all he seems to care about is him, nothing about me or our unborn child (who he will actually get to see everyday, which is something he constantly complains about with his son). He didn't even get excited about the sonogram and heartbeat. I really don't want to raise a child where I'm the only one who cares about him/ her and at this point I'm at a loss of whether it's better to just do this on my own. I'm tired of trying to get him to care.

Laddiedahl · November 2013

I was 19 when I had my little man. but it usually isn't real to a man until after the baby comes. He probably is nervous.No one can ever truly be ready. It's a day by day thing. Once he sees your belly growing and sees the baby on the ultrasound it might become a tad more exciting. It's still not real for my husband yet and he has seen the baby on the screen. It's normal. I wouldn't sweat it yet

jjva · November 2013

joules235 said:

jjva said:

Agree with all the wise advice above, and I also think it just depends on how excited your BF gets about life in general! Like if he's usually a pretty stoic guy, he might be stoic about this too but it doesn't reflect how he actually feels, it's just his personality?

This^^
My DH is a really stoic guy so there weren't really any emotional shows of excitement.

Totally -- my husband is not an emotional dude ever about anything and it has taken me a long time to learn that it's just who he is, I wear my feelings on my sleeve so it made no sense to me at first! With mine I always try to remind myself to pay attention to what he does instead of what he says (or doesn't say). Like @MegK82 posted about bringing her soup etc. ... That's my guy too. (And damn, egg drop soup sounds amazing right now!)

@kimckerrigan, I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely in this. Do you think he does care & doesn't know how to show it or are you worried that he truly doesn't? Hugs to you.

verydisgruntledpelican0091 · November 2013

wtfisup said:

MaidMarion25 said:

They say that a woman becomes a mother the moment she finds out she is pregnant, and a man becomes a father when he sees his child for the first time.

HAH! Dude, I must be a man, then. My motto right now is SAVOR THE DAYS. We're both fairly psyched, but I'm like, "Let's just be us as long as possible." Late night theatre trips, dining, etc. Nothing about me feels maternal right now, which I'm fine with.

I feel the same way !!! I have only told 5 people and I'm enjoying being able to sleep in and relax. Especially now when it's only slightly noticeable

fsumom · November 2013

My DH didn't really seem excited until DD was born. DD is 7 now and they've always been inseparable!

2ndturkey · November 2013

Most guys I've talked to it takes them holding their baby to realize and get truly excited about being a dad

Artistmom30 · December 2013

With our first, I got very excited and would talk about everything baby with the hubs. He was excited about our baby too but didn't really show it emotionally until he saw her at the 20 wk u/s. Guys are wired differently than women. Emotions just don't come as naturally.

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Married DH 7/30/11

CSC arrived 5/7/12

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