Holiday Struggles

doodah1013 · November 2013

So today, I kind of hit a wall of holiday fear and struggles. It became really real to me today that if we had been one of the lucky ones when we started trying for a baby, we may have had our little bundle of joy this holiday season. I think today I am really struggling with this concept. HOWEVER, today I am thankful to have a group of people to share my holiday struggles with.

Anyone else out there struggling with the holidays, whether it be sadness over loss/TTC, or struggles with family? I just wanted to give us a safe space to let out some of our holiday frustrations, while keeping in mind that we have each other and that is something to be thankful for. So.. if you want to participate, you can share a frustration, but then you almost must share a reason you are thankful for your fellow bumpies!

YBnormal85 · November 2013

As December quickly approaches so does what was supposed to be the due date of our little angel (Dec 13). Although we are blessed to have conceived since my miscarriage and I am now due in April the fact that we won't have our little Christmas baby is something that I have been thinking about often. I have decided we should buy an angel either for the top of our tree or an angel ornament as a way to include our angel in the holiday. Also,I am taking my two youngest sisters to see the nutcracker on Dec 13 so hopefully that will serve as a nice day to distract my mind a bit.

I am so thankful for this board as it was a great help during my loss. I am sorry that others have expereinced a loss as I have, but it was a relief that others understood what I was going through though I would never wish that on anyone.

StacyLH24 · November 2013

I know C and I haven't been on our journey for long. While I am still very hopeful for our TTC journey, I do think about the fact that we were hoping to announce to friends and family at Thanksgiving or Christmas that we were expecting. I had imagined announcing to everyone at work during our Christmas party. I have hope that next year at this time, we will have our LO.

I was directed to this board by a friend from HS. She and her wife have two adorable little boys, conceived through IUI. I'm am so thankful she told me about it. Everyone here is wonderful, welcoming and supportive. This board gives me an outlet and a safe place to share how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. I have learned so much. Every new BFP gives me hope that C and I will get there as well. Every struggle brings me back to the reality of this process and gives me comfort in knowing that if I experience it, there are others here who have been there. I wish no one here had to experience any struggles at all.

doodah1013 · November 2013

@YBNormal85 and @Wallace323 I will be sending lots of T&P your way this holiday. Glad to see you both looking on the bright side of the situation, although that is always easier said than done. I love the idea of the angel ornament... a good way to symbolize your love.

@stacyLH24 Everytime we try an IUI, I feel like I set this unrealistic expectations and always think about how we will proceed with telling our family. Then when it doesn't come to fruition, I am always really sad. So totally feel your pain there! I wish the my mind didn't automatically do that... but c'est la vie! I do look forward to having some delicious cocktails though... so I guess that is one positive!

trisholio · November 2013

@doodah1013, you read my mind today.

I am really struggling with this holiday season. First of all I am not one of those people that LOVES the holidays to begin with. It has always been a struggle of spending time with family, making everyone happy and always stressing about money. This year is the added stress of us TTC, being on fertility medication, trying to become licensed foster parents and my sister announcing her accidental pregnancy. We have a lot on our plate and I don't feel like catering to others needs constantly. But if I don't put on a happy face and do for everyone else then I am labeled the "bitch" It happens to me all the time in our family, its so frustrating. On top of that we are putting all our financial resources into having a baby and our future foster children and that isn't taken into consideration when it comes to gift giving in my family. We don't have any kids yet, so people don't understand why we can't just drop money like some other people can.

On top of that we started this TTC in January and we should have already had our baby by now. I thought this process would be easier because my mom was fertile myrtle and obviously my sister is too. We are going on our 6 month of trying (we took a few months off during the summer) and we have nothing to show for it. I feel like we have struggled this whole year for nothing.

Thank you all for being so supportive. We all have such different paths in this journey yet we have so many things in common. You have no idea how much all of your support means to me.

Manada · November 2013

TTC over the holidays is super stressful I find too!   Last year H and I were just done our first IUI cycle over Xmas and while we knew it would fail because it was done too early, I also got the flu and was so sick! It really just drove the point home for us that I was sick, and not pregnant, and blah!

Honestly, this year I feel scared about the holiday.   If our cycle is successful we will have a BFP and be celebrating, but not able to check in with the clinic for the usual followup betas to make sure they're going up --- and we will be telling our immediate families, because they all know we're doing IVF so we can't really keep the outcome a secret.   That part scares me a lot, just worrying about telling people, and then having to possibly untell them. I really wish we had enough time to see a heartbeat or something before we tell people, but alas...

That said - if it's a negative cycle I don't know how I'll react. I imagine it will be a depressing holiday for sure, and I'm not necessarily sure - and we won't know - how we'll move forward until after the ET to know whether we have any frosties and how many we might have.

My cousin in pg though and due right around the new year, so I'm trying to avoid them, and her family - because they are ALL about that. I don't really want to get caught up in all that BABYBABYBABY! mania.     Honestly, I sort of wish we could sit out the holidays in the safety of places that I know will be low-stress and only doing low-stress things ---- If I could we would limit our holiday to the following:
- sleeping a lot with my cat.
- eating Chicago pizza with H's family and playing games with her brothers
- walking the dog at the beach in Chicago
- eating a low-key meal at my moms place and going to the movies with them.
- cuddling up and watching netflix (the us version!)

To be honest I'll probably do all of those things, but much like many of you I'm not really excited for the hustle and bustle of all the performative holiday stuff -- it just feels too tiring....

2MamazInSeattle · November 2013

So, our donor looks like Elliott from ET. Last year, after xmas I was buying up 1/2 price wrapping paper and ornaments...I found an ET ornament and got it for our LO figuring on a 4-month old this year for Chrismas. My sister got a fabulous leg-lamp onsie for us too (I got my beta on 12/19 last year, and she "just knew it" and was ready). As I dig out the holiday stuff, I found these items and it made me super sad. That, and the estrogen I am on. I decided to put ET on the tree in honor of our loss baby boy.

Along with that, last week two of my sisters got in a fight, and then one of those two got dumped and now says she doesn't want to come to thanksgiving - oy. And, everyone keeps wanting to move around what family event is where....I love the holidays - and I hope this year I'm pregnant for them (again) - but definitely some sadness over our baby that wasn't born, and family drama!

However, J and I are excited about our donation to KEXP radio for their new facility as our gift to each other - and our tiles being a permanent thing in the world reminding us of when we first met. And I am SO PSYCHED to send off my ornament to my bumpie! And well, I do love presents. So perhaps it'll all be ok, but agreed with all PPs - this year seems a little more blah than others have.

ball.and.chain · November 2013

Last year we found out about my first loss on 12/11 and I was just...lost. It would have been hard under any circumstances but to have all that celebration going on around me, parties and shopping and present and Christmas music and cookie-baking, when all I wanted was to lie in bed and cry, was excruciating. I felt like I just walked like a zombie through the whole season. I also felt like I should have had a baby by then, forget a pregnancy, because I'd been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant.

This year I'm hoping we'll have a happier Christmas. Even if this pregnancy ends in loss before then, I think I can weather it better this time.

2MamazInSeattle · November 2013

ball.and.chain said:

Last year we found out about my first loss on 12/11 and I was just...lost. It would have been hard under any circumstances but to have all that celebration going on around me, parties and shopping and present and Christmas music and cookie-baking, when all I wanted was to lie in bed and cry, was excruciating. I felt like I just walked like a zombie through the whole season. I also felt like I should have had a baby by then, forget a pregnancy, because I'd been trying for a year and a half to get pregnant.

This year I'm hoping we'll have a happier Christmas. Even if this pregnancy ends in loss before then, I think I can weather it better this time.

Well, I would like Santa to bring you a happy healthy 9 months resulting in a live healthy baby and healthy mom (I've learned to be very specific, as last time I said "I just want to get past first tri...." and well, we know how that ended). Shorter term, I'm hoping for a little gummy bear in there tomorrow with a 130+++ HB! xx

ball.and.chain · November 2013

2MamazInSeattle said:

Well, I would like Santa to bring you a happy healthy 9 months resulting in a live healthy baby and healthy mom (I've learned to be very specific, as last time I said "I just want to get past first tri...." and well, we know how that ended). Shorter term, I'm hoping for a little gummy bear in there tomorrow with a 130+++ HB! xx

Me too!

doodah1013 · November 2013

@ball.and.chain I can't even imagine all the feelings wrapped up in such a painful situation. I think you are so brave to share your story and am amazed by your courage. I think about you often and if good vibes can help you have a healthy pregnancy I know about 20 people who are sendin them your way! Can't wait to hear about your ultrasound.

ball.and.chain · November 2013

doodah1013 said:

@ball.and.chain I can't even imagine all the feelings wrapped up in such a painful situation. I think you are so brave to share your story and am amazed by your courage. I think about you often and if good vibes can help you have a healthy pregnancy I know about 20 people who are sendin them your way! Can't wait to hear about your ultrasound.

Thank you! You know I'll update you all as soon as I can!

doodah1013 · November 2013

So... More trivial holiday things that are really getting to me right now...

BUT I am really struggling to come up with a Christmas list... Because all I want is a baby. No amount of Old Navy V-Neck Sweaters (while certainly welcomed) is going to fill my baby void. I just wanna tell people to donate any money they would spend on me to charity because it would be more appreciated...

SECONDLY and most pressing... I am turning 30 in mid-December. This is hard on many levels. I never thought I would make it to 30 without having children. Also... My birthday is always over shadowed by the holidays. And A was trying to plan a really special surprise party for me, because she knows how hard it is that I have never had a special birthday. Well long story short, my Mom told her yesterday we couldn't have the party because we will be doing Christmas things on my birthday. I am a bit crushed and so is A... I am also embarrassed by the way my Mom treated my wife.

On top of all that we just need something to be simple... Between A losing her job last year, the stressful process of TTC, the financing for our new house falling through and various others issues and hardships we just want some peace.

I totally understand what @manada is saying about the performativity I the Holidays. We are hoping to get snowed in here in Columbus so we can go out for a sushi dinner tomorrow and curl up with a netflix marathon and a puzzle.

But again, I am so thankful for all the board successes and struggles we face because I feel like we are in this together. I also love how brave each of you are to share your stories and your fears. Some days the only thing I find contentment is the fact I have a place to voice our struggles. Hope everyone has at least a little peace this week. T and P's are with all of you.

healz413 · November 2013

doodah1013 said:.
BUT I am really struggling to come up with a Christmas list... Because all I want is a baby. No amount of Old Navy V-Neck Sweaters (while certainly welcomed) is going to fill my baby void. I just wanna tell people to donate any money they would spend on me to charity because it would be more appreciated...

THIS! Exactly. Same store. Same style sweater. M knows v-neck or the quarter zip (or whatever they are called) are the only sweater choices for me.

And Old Navy is where I do the majority of my shopping when buying new clothes. And the only thing on my Christmas list any more (other than baby!) is v-neck sweaters. (I don't trust my mom to pick out clothes for me, so I forced myself to come up with things for her to buy.)

I hope that your upcoming RE appointment relieves some anxiety and gives you and A a plan that you can wrap yourselves up in to carry you through the holidays.

Sending you wishes for the snow-in you desire for tomorrow.

StacyLH24 · November 2013

First, I just want to say how thankful I am for everything that I have...two good vehicles, a structurally sound and warm house, bills paid and a little left over, a wonderful wife and supportive family, a great job with good health insurance, and animals who are like kids to us. We have it easier and better than so many other people in the world, and I think about that often.

C and I are watching the parade, getting ready to soon make some mashed taters to take to my parent's house. I'm having a decent amount of pain still from the surgeries. It was better for a few days and is back now (I called the office yesterday and one of the Dr.'s who helped mine during surgery said I had a lot of endometriosis and this was normal considering). As I entertain myself on my phone, I see so many pictures on FB of little babies on their first Thanksgiving.

I don't begrudge any of these folks their adorable little ones. I just want our own. I just want to make a happy, healthy baby. I'm not sure
I have ever wanted something so bad before. I was never 100% sure I wanted kids. Now, all I want is one healthy little baby.

ball.and.chain · November 2013

healz413 said:

doodah1013 said:.
BUT I am really struggling to come up with a Christmas list... Because all I want is a baby. No amount of Old Navy V-Neck Sweaters (while certainly welcomed) is going to fill my baby void.

THIS! Exactly. Same store. Same style sweater. M knows v-neck or the quarter zip (or whatever they are called) are the only sweater choices for me. And Old Navy is where I do the majority of my shopping when buying new clothes. And the only thing on my Christmas list any more (other than baby!) is v-neck sweaters.

Wait...are one of you my wife? JK, but I cannot tell how m any v-neck and quarter-zip sweaters she has asked for (and received) over the years...wearing a quarter-zip sweatshirt as we speak, actually.

I find it hard to make a list too. How do you ask for your baby's heart to keep beating? (Or, in your cases, for it to start beating! Which I hope one will soon!) In a practical sense, I need a new winter coat and have no idea what size to buy if it's going to last me through March -- not knowing whether to count on the pregnancy lasting or how big I would be then.

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