Grandma Daycare

KateBee · November 2013

After discussing daycare with my MIL, she mentioned that she'd like to watch our son after I go back to work instead of having him go to daycare. While I'm extremely happy that I'll be leaving him with someone I'm comfortable with and who won't be charging us money, I'm selfishly worried that I'll feel resentful that she's the one who gets to stay with him. Does anyone have any words of advice for dealing with this? I'm also dealing with my mom who lives out-of-state and is already resentful that she's going to be spending less time with him than my MIL. I want to just feel grateful that we're having a baby after all this time and not worried 6 months before he's here!

mexicolombiana · November 2013

IF you think your MIL will be a good caregiver and you trust her and her judgment then this sounds wonderful.

IF you have reservations about her ability to watch your child and follow YOUR directions, then this could be an issue.

Even though she's grandma she has to be able to follow your directions and do what you want with your child. A lot of people here will tell you this is an awful idea but it could work.

The resentment is pretty silly honestly. And if your mother is out of state it's really petty of her (or you) to resent MIL because she gets to see your son often and not your mom.

Anyway I had my aunt stay with me for a few months and watch my first DD and it was great. Family can work out really well if you guys have a really nice agreement and respect each other's wishes!

Oh and I would still pay her something.

MommyAtty · November 2013

My in laws are our full time day care. There are pros and cons. I do a whole lot of teeth-gritting when things aren't done the way I would prefer. (Nothing dangerous, just differences in style, like holding DD more than I would prefer or letting her eat in the living room instead of keeping her in her high chair.). On the good side, she is adored every single day and has a close relationship with 4 adults who would all willingly die for her. Sometimes it is upsetting when DD cries when leaving Grandma, but my work friends say their kids go through stages when they do that with the nanny or a favorite DC teacher.

djm31012 · November 2013

Actually I can sympathize. Going back to work for the first time brings up a lot of emotions...and I can fully understand why you would be jealous of your MIL time with your LO because in a perfect world (at least for me) you would be there. You need to get over it...but i can understand why you have that.

That being said...my MIL watched DS for 3 months and I can honestly say it ruined our relationship (she doesnt think so, but in my mind it has). She was overbearing, had major boundary issues and gave way too many opinions that were outdated and inaccurate. We have since stopped that arrangement and DS is in daycare and we couldnt be happier. BUt I have resentment toward my MIL which is a shame so i would just make sure however you can, that that doesnt happen to you.

KateBee · November 2013

Thanks everyone! I'm so grateful that she has offered to watch him, I just have no idea how I'll feel once that actually starts happening so I want to be prepared for however I feel. Hopefully I won't be bummed that she's the one that gets to stay home with him.

And the whole thing with my mom is a completely different topic altogether, but just adding to my anxieties about things. I appreciate everyone's feedback on this!

djm31012 · November 2013

I also should add that my MIL slept over 2 nights a week to do this..so she would come sunday night, sleep over sun/mon and l eave tuesday when I got home from work. So maybe having her there at night made it worse. regardless...no bueno!

jschmidt6 · November 2013

Maybe MIL can watch your LO part time and you can do daycare part time. I will say that almost everyone I know admits that their relationship with their in laws changes once you have a baby. Ours certainly has.

Katelobster · November 2013

I have Grandma Daycare, although I only work PT. There have been some kinks to work out along the way, and a few times where I've had to bite my tongue, but overall it's been great. Especially when she was an infant, it made me so happy to know she was with someone who loved her, thought she was special, and would have special memories of their time together. I know that good daycare workers care about their kids, but they can't love them like a grandma. I also like that my daughter is bonding with someone who will continue to be an important person in her life instead of with a daycare teacher that she won't see again once she moves to the next room up. And as a bonus, she rarely gets sick and has yet to need antibiotics.

It's a big decision to pick a childcare provider for your kid, and no matter who you pick, daycare/nanny/grandma, there will be pros and cons. With grandma, thereis the added layer of complexity that the situation can cause hurt feelings and strain relationships. If you are considering it, sit your husband down and talk everything out. Does she have the right personality for this or is she someone who will use it as ammo for guilt trips? What will you do when she goes on vacation? Will she follow current recommendations like putting baby on their back to sleep? Will she come to your house, or you take the baby to hers? If you take the baby to her house, will you buy her baby gates, a pack n play, and will she be OK with babyproofing her house? (My mom had to rearrange a ton of low shelves and her family room is pretty much ankle-deep in toys all the time). Will she take the baby to play dates, the park, library story time when he/she gets older? If she wont do those things, do you have feelings about an end date for grandma daycare, e.g. you feel that the child she go to daycare at 2 for socialization?

Good luck with your decision.

Katelobster · November 2013

Also, I deal with grandma jealousy too. Both grandmas are nearby and neither works (my mom is retired, MIL was a SAHM). MIL doesn't want to watch my daughter for 9 hours a day even on occasion, yet she's still jealous and resents the situation. I stopped worrying about it because it's ridiculous. There will be many, many times in your child's life where you have to do something a grandparent doesn't like because you feel it's best for your family (everything from telling your mom she can't be in the delivery room to telling her you won't see her for Christmas because you're not flying across the country with a baby) and they need to be adults and deal with it.

Mustardseed2007 · November 2013

We did grandma daycare with my mother....it was better that it was my mom vs. my MIL. In general I have a closer, more relaxed relationship with my mom in which I feel like I know if I'm overstepping and I feel like I can pushback when she is doing the same. With my MIL it's a little more awkward just b/c we aren't as close.

I loved having my mom watch DS as an infant and even a crawler. I just felt safer, and he didn't get sick as much. Of course people will tell you that 1:1 care isn't a vaccine against all illness, and of course that's true, but kids simply are ill more often in DC.

I was very laid back with my mom and tried to let her guide her own day as much as I could. And she stuck to trying to do what we did at home as much as she could stand to do so

I also paid her b/c it was such a big job and the money was helpful to her.

The main thing is, whether you pay your MIL or not, remember that your mom watching your kid is doing you a FAVOR.

So if you decide you don't like what she's doing. That's fine. The solution is to change your provider, not have a drag out fight with your family or start treating them like an employee. At the same time, don't be afraid to make that change if you need to.

Respect your MIL, and take care of your kid too.

TheBorg7of9 · November 2013

Personally, I would rather have someone trained in child development and the most recent child safety issues. It gets really old having to explain to my MIL not to put blankets in the crib. At the same time, she is way over protective and will cut his food into tiny pieces even though he is almost 2 and I think he should be learning to use a fork and spoon, etc.

Also, I generally think a person over the age of 60 will not be able to keep up with my toddler son, the way my 20-something nanny does. My nanny can bring DS to the park and chase him all over, but it's too hard for my MIL. Also, there's the whole following instructions thing... she doesn't. lol. However, at this time, I do let my MIL watch DS one day a week. I think he's safe with her, but I just prefer my nanny over her for most days.

TheBorg7of9 · November 2013

Oh, and also, my nanny does not make annoying comments about me being a working mom.

skibunny59 · November 2013

mexicolombiana said:

The resentment is pretty silly honestly. And if your mother is out of state it's really petty of her (or you) to resent MIL because she gets to see your son often and not your mom.

Anyway I had my aunt stay with me for a few months and watch my first DD and it was great. Family can work out really well if you guys have a really nice agreement and respect each other's wishes!

Oh and I would still pay her something.

All of this! My mom watches DD fulltime and for the most part it has been awesome for us! She loves DD and DD absolutely loves her. I like that she's with family and that I don't have to worry about whether or not she's having a good day. Honestly, I don't feel resentful at all of my mom. I am grateful that my DD can be with someone who loves her so much.

Every once in awhile my mom and I will butt heads on certain things but she does pay attention to me for the important things (healthy food, limited tv time.)

Also, I love that my mom can take DD on outings and stuff. For example, they go to the library twice a week, they go to the park, etc.

And I would offer to pay your MIL something. My mom won't take much money from us but we try to compensate her in other ways.

Kmartinrvt13 · November 2013

My MIL and DH watch DD while I'm at work. It's great for us and works out great since my hours vary depending on what comes in that day. I agree with OP about the jealousy issue. It shouldn't be an issue with anyone. Your mother lives out of town not your or LO's fault. Don't take it out on your MIL

KateBee · November 2013

Thanks again for the advice! We'll definitely look into paying her/compensating her in some way. Hopefully this is a great experience for all of us!

iverske9 · November 2013

To save that much money a year and over the years I can totally put up with a little resentment. I had my husbands Aunt watch my son till he was one and a half. I didn't have any resentment at all but I also was ok with going back to work.

DTNZ4Ever · November 2013

My parents watch DS 1 day a week he is at DC 3 days a week and I'm home with him on Mondays. I would never have MIL watch DS she doesn't follow our rules and lets DS get out if control it's fine every once in awhile but not every week. My parents always follow our schedule/rules etc and it has been great. I like that it is one day a week so when they travel or are sick DH and I can cover the one day they miss. DS did go through the phase that he preferred my mom which was nice since we would be at family functions and he would only deal with her so I got a break

but DS has gone through lots of phases preferring DH or his teacher. I would ask your MIL not to talk about milestones achieved with you that way you don't feel like you missed the first step or word etc.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

One thing to keep in mind too is that MIL is offering this out of excitement. Once the baby is here, "reality" may change her mind. Keep an open dialogue with her. Dont' put all your eggs in one basket. Know what other options are out there. She may do it, but she may decide full time is too much.

My parents watch DS 2 days a week. They've been very upfront that this is perfect. More (on a regular basis) would be too much.

Also, your mom. If she actually makes comments about being jealous, I'd honestly try to nip it in the bud. Be gentle and respectful, but I'd also say "Mom- I wish you were closer. But this is the way it is. We can't control it. This isn't a competition, though. Even if you lived next door, you're going to have the relationship you have w/ the baby. MIL is going to have the relationship she has. I'm really having a hard time w/ your comments about this.".

rboisvert · November 2013

We did this for the first 18 months until DD could come to daycare at my school. It was great. I think a big part of this was that it was my Step Mother who's only been in my life since I've been an adult. She really went out of her way to make sure that she followed out wishes. DD got to spend time with her Nana and Papa in a way I never did living so far away from my grandparents. She also got a lot of time with my step sister's kids which wouldn't have happened otherwise since I'm not close to them. DD loves her cousins and they are the only ones she has since DH and I are only children. It can work but only if everyone is on the same page. We are due with #2 in July and I'm not broaching the subject with her, we will look for daycare options but would go back with my step mother in a heart beat if she offered. I just don't feel it's my place to ask.

laurakaz13 · November 2013

EastCoastBride said:

One thing to keep in mind too is that MIL is offering this out of excitement. Once the baby is here, "reality" may change her mind. Keep an open dialogue with her. Dont' put all your eggs in one basket. Know what other options are out there. She may do it, but she may decide full time is too much.

This is a very good point. My parents do watch DD and have stayed with her alone up to 3 weeks while DH and I were away for work. But they do get really tired from full days with her, now that she's a toddler. Just keep in mind she may not want to continue doing it full time.

As for all the jealousy, just let it go. You'll just be happy you have someone you trust watching your LO. I was someone who was happy to return to work though, so I was thrilled with my amazing daycare situation.

traveltheworld · November 2013

I think everyone else has pretty much covered everything, but I just want to reassure you - even if your MIL watches your LO every day, you are still mom and you are still the best in your child's eyes. My parents lived with us for the first 10 months of DS's life, and I went back to work after 4 months, so I was initially quite worried that DS would prefer my mom over me since she was there every day and night. That never happened. I am by far DS's favourite person.

Oh also, PPs are right - it depends on how much energy your MIL has. My parents (good health, mid-60s) found that once DS was a toddler, it was hard to keep up with him all day. So now DS goes to DC 3 days a week, but my parents often pick him up in the early afternoon and they go for little outings. It works out great.

rubber_chicken · November 2013

I think this is really dependent on the individuals involved, but when it works, it works beautifully.

Having said that, I would make sure that as your LO gets older, that your MIL is taking him/her to gymboree, or storytime at the library, or a playgroup so LO gets a chance to play and interact with other kids. My friend's MIL watched her LO until he was 4, and she was a warm and loving caregiver but she never took him anywhere (other than errands). Well he just started Pre-K this September and is WAY behind socially. They're already talking about keeping him back a year.

rubber_chicken · November 2013

bellaxanthe said:

I have MIL daycare only one day a week. My relationship has done a complete 180 from before I was pregnant to now. We were casual friends before and now I resent her much of the time . I never would have guessed that would happen. She bad mouths me to others, tells others I was starving my child while we went thru Failure to Thrive diagnosis, feeds her things I wish she wouldn't, has the tv on the entire day and never takes her for walks or outside. Every time I make a statement about my child, she one-ups with with her "experience" from 38 years ago.
If you have a good relationship perhaps you could look at part time. If you are a laid back personality where the little things don't get to you, then go for it. I think as much as you look at your MIL you really have to look inward and know yourself. I shouldn't have let this happen and I regret it deeply.

Are you switching to a different provider??

lorist202 · November 2013

Coming in late on this... We received the same offer from my very sweet MIL. I can tell you that I decided against Grandma daycare. First, my MIL is the type to ignore my wishes regarding how to care for DS. She really does mean well, but she wants to spoil him rotten, which brings me to my next point.... Grandmas are for spoiling. In my opinion, she should be able to do so when they visit, but not as a general rule of thumb. One of the great advantages of the daycare center is that my discipline, rules, eating habits, etc. are encouraged there. DS is in a learning environment, so everything I'm trying to teach him at home is also reinforced by a certified teacher.

Also, when I get a day off from work, I actually get a DAY OFF! DS is already at school, and I have an opportunity for time to myself. I love to spend days off with him, but sometimes... Mama needs a spa day/ retail therapy/ housework to myself! Maybe your MIL would be fine to be there even on your days off, but would you be comfortable with it? Be honest. Also, what backup would you have if she's ill or has other commitments?

My last point is probably the biggest reason I wouldn't use Grandma childcare- especially my MIL: If something did happen that truly upset you, how would you approach it, and do you think your relationship would be threatened? As another poster mentioned, it would be very helpful if you had a laid back personality if you took the Grandma route, for this very reason.

There are pros and cons to both options, certainly. Think it through, and do what's best for you and your family.

jess9802 · November 2013

My mom has watched DS at our house since I went back to work. It's been a wonderful arrangement. Mom respects our decisions and since we generally have similar parenting philosophies few things were problematic. He is busy and active and sometimes hard for her to keep up with. My dad comes over every day to take DS for walks and explore the backyard, and it gives my mom a break. It's also resulted in my son turning into a grandpa's boy - when my dad is around he ignores everyone else, lol. I honestly feel very, very grateful that this has worked so well. It doesn't hurt that Mom will wash DS's diapers or clothes, clean up the kitchen, throw something in the crockpot if I ask, etc.

My MIL lives in town but works full time, and I think she's a bit sad sometimes that she doesn't get as much time with DS as she would like, but if she's jealous or resentful of the arrangement she's done a good job hiding it. But we do try to get together with them every week to see my in-laws and I think that helps.

Reilly626 · November 2013

If she's younger and active I say great. Will she bring him to playgroups for socialization? Personally I love daycare because they learn so much and I get a daily sheet with everything on it. I can't see a family member doing that. Also will this make her not want to watch him on weekends then?

honkytonk_kid · December 2013

My parents watch P fairly frequently (up to once a week), I worked 3 days/week up until a few weeks ago, now I'm part time. I absolutely love having them watch him. They go out of their way to follow my requests, and are just enamored with him.

Having said that, I think part of the reason it works out so well is that they don't watch him every day. I just think 5 days a week is too much to ask someone to be a caregiver without it being their job. IMO it blurs the lines too much between dcp and grandparent. Even if my parents were retired, they have things to do, and I just wouldn't want them to get burned out on their grandkid, kwim? I also agree with pp in that she may change her mind about her offer when it actually comes time. Is it a possibility for her to watch him maybe twice a week? If you found childcare, say, MWF, could she watch him T Th? That may be a good amount of time for it to feel like visiting Grandma instead of going to childcare, not to mention it could save you significant $$.

aibrean · December 2013

My mom watches once a week and I can't complain. Yes, there are plenty of things I gripe about (like her putting diaper covers in with dirty clothes rather than in the wet bag) but my daughter loves her grandma and is getting one-on-one attention. My mom sings to her, reads, teaches her letters and numbers, and the LO is not even 7mo yet lol. My mom gets out a chalkboard and has board books.

It takes a bit to give up control but it makes it a lot easier when she's babysitting because we know she can handle it.

MidwestGidget · December 2013

If you have the relationship with her that is already open and honest, you have a good chance of success. If not, I don't think that will get better if you're using her for daycare.

Just make sure that she understands the commitment she's making to YOU with this offer. How often does she get sick? How often do other things come up? I feel like I've read previous posters who started off with grandma daycare, only to be told weeks later that they really weren't up for the job.

Make sure to check in with her frequently that she's still up to it--you don't want to scramble for a place with week's notice. Both of you should go into this with open eyes about the commitment this will mean.

SouthRNComfort · December 2013

I have this same situation. I commiserate with you on te resentment feelings. For me, my MIL didn't offer, we had to ask. She has said yes, but it's taken some coaxing. And we dint have all the details worked out, but I only plan to have her watch the baby until I'm off the daycare wait list. Anyway I resent having to ask bc I know that if my mom lived in town, she offer, no she'd insist, on watching the baby when I go back to work. That's the way it's always Ben done in my family. My maternal grandmother watched me and I want my mother to have that same experience. So I'm kind of down about it.

rubber_chicken · December 2013

SouthRNComfort said:

I have this same situation. I commiserate with you on te resentment feelings. For me, my MIL didn't offer, we had to ask. She has said yes, but it's taken some coaxing. And we dint have all the details worked out, but I only plan to have her watch the baby until I'm off the daycare wait list. Anyway I resent having to ask bc I know that if my mom lived in town, she offer, no she'd insist, on watching the baby when I go back to work. That's the way it's always Ben done in my family. My maternal grandmother watched me and I want my mother to have that same experience. So I'm kind of down about it.

WHOA. You guilted your MIL into babysitting your kid, and now resent HER?? That's some messed up drama you're creating.

FemShep · December 2013

rubber_chicken said:

SouthRNComfort said:

I have this same situation. I commiserate with you on te resentment feelings. For me, my MIL didn't offer, we had to ask. She has said yes, but it's taken some coaxing. And we dint have all the details worked out, but I only plan to have her watch the baby until I'm off the daycare wait list. Anyway I resent having to ask bc I know that if my mom lived in town, she offer, no she'd insist, on watching the baby when I go back to work. That's the way it's always Ben done in my family. My maternal grandmother watched me and I want my mother to have that same experience. So I'm kind of down about it.

WHOA. You guilted your MIL into babysitting your kid, and now resent HER?? That's some messed up drama you're creating.

Seriously.

Maybe my MIL is just older than most grandmas (she's 66), or maybe LO is more active than most children, but when she's watched DD2 as a favor to us (when I was traveling for work or when she's been visiting), she's been exhausted at the end of the day. She really enjoys her activities, her charity work, and the other things she does, and I would hate to pressure her to watch LO. It's one thing for her to watch LO occasionally as a favor, it's quite another for her to feel obligated (and/or coaxed) to do it every day.

SouthRNComfort · December 2013

I just wish we didn't have to ask, bc I know my mother wants to do it and we'd never have to ask.

SouthRNComfort · December 2013

I wouldn't say "guilted" It's more my husband talking his mother into it. I just know I wouldn't even have to ask my mother, bc she'd want to do it.

daisy662 · December 2013

I would not use family for full time day care. Maybe a day or two a week, but that is it. First off, I don't trust my MIl with him. She doesn't listen to my instructions. I rarely have her watch him, and when there are two children (I'm due in 6 weeks!) she will not watch them both ever. As far as my mother, I trust her completely, but wouldn't want to burden her with that. She is one of the most young and independent 60 year old women I know, is in better shape than me, and is the get down on the floor and play type of Grandma. She's awesome and my son adores her. But, she needs to have her own life in my opinion. I also would rather have her available to watch them evenings and weekends as things come up. If she is watching them 50 plus hours a week, she isn't going to want to watch them for other things to understandably...

FemShep · December 2013

SouthRNComfort said:

I wouldn't say "guilted" It's more my husband talking his mother into it. I just know I wouldn't even have to ask my mother, bc she'd want to do it.

This will sound snarky, but I'm asking honestly.... Why on earth do you want to have someone watching your LO that you have to pressure/guilt/talk into doing so? Don't you think that sort of situation will lead to resentment, upset feelings, and a really bad dynamic?

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