Self induced racism

lewispm · November 2013

Ok, this is a controversial topic so I hope I don't get people's feathers ruffled (not my intention at all!), but I have to ask what y'all think.

I have a friend with a biracial child (half black, half white) and she is constantly posting comments on FB about all the "glares" and "stares" she gets when out with her daughter. I totally get that I live in the south and racism is still alive and sometimes I am very ashamed to call certain people around here people my neighbors, but its 2013 and I just don't believe that this girl gets so many looks and stares for purely racist reasons as she implies.

My sister is in an interracial relationship and I have asked her about it and she says that she gets looks all the time too. Maybe I am naïve or too idealistic or society, but I just think most of it is in her head.

I mean, I get stared at sometimes too when I go places with MH or LO. Is it because we look young? Because MH is so dang hot ? Kellen is so cute? I am wearing a hideous outfit? Who knows?? I just think people who "expect" people to stare at them or give them looks for any particular reason often blow up scenarios in their own minds to meet their expectations. I think that if I had a reason to expect people to stare at me, I would contribute all the stares to that, KWIM?

I am by no means belittling the existence of racism or the narrow-mindedness of some people, I guess I am just trying to rationalize things in my head and its the only conclusion that makes sense to me as to why so many of my interracial couple friends think people are so prejudice towards them. I get that some people are, but I just really hope its not as many people as they make it out to be!

So my question is to both those in an interracial relationship and those not. If you are in one, do you feel stared at, judged, or like people hold prejudice against you? If you are not in one, do you know people that are in one whom express feelings of prejudice often? What are your thoughts?

A friends 500th FB status since her biracial daughter was born 6 months ago about people discriminating against her and her daughter brought this question on today...

nesenotes · November 2013

I dated a hot black guy waaaaay back in high school. I got hate from other black GIRLS because they felt he should be dating a black girl not me. Like he was betraying them somehow. And I live in CA and I still got some looks. So it could be both she is sensitive and people give looks. But i also think people are naturally curious so there is that too.

lnd1031 · November 2013

nesenotes said:

I dated a hot black guy waaaaay back in high school. I got hate from other black GIRLS because they felt he should be dating a black girl not me. Like he was betraying them somehow. And I live in CA and I still got some looks. So it could be both she is sensitive and people give looks. But i also think people are naturally curious so there is that too.

This is what I was going to say. I mean, yeah, there's probably some legitimate racism mixed in, but probably much less than is being perceived.

Some people are just people watchers (myself included) they just take in the people and situations around them and racism has nothing to do with it.

I think it's just what one is conscious of - I have a very large birthmark on my leg, and I used to feel like EVERYONE was looking at it and somehow judging me because of it - when in reality, there is probably a very small percentage of people who actually even notice.

Not to compare a birthmark to racism...but you get the point.

lewispm · November 2013

kitchencolors said:

People stare at babies like crazy. Sitting in the mall one day watching how much people stare at them made me feel less like people stare at DD because she has Ds. Not sure how that plays into the race thing, but I assume when people are staring at mine that it's because she is a baby, not because she has Ds. Does that make me naive? Maybe, but it works for me and it's probably true most of the time.

This is exactly what I mean! I think its all in the way you look at things. I mean, my sister is gorgeous and her hubby is quite the handsome fella as well. Both tall and lean and model-esque. I think that's why they get stares!

reinedecajun · November 2013

I'm with everyone else that's its more of people just looking at babies. If you have a biracial child then your may be more in tuned to thinking that is what people are focusing on when in fact it's probably not.

I will say im in disagreement with the whole racism is mainly in the south comments. I find it to be everywhere and no more prevalent in one area than another. Maybe if this was still 1960 but not now.

KarmB · November 2013

Racism is alive every where not just the south.

I am a biracial family In the north. My brothers are black. Growing up we had n lover painted on our house a bunch.

lewispm · November 2013

KarmB said:

Racism is alive every where not just the south. I am a biracial family In the north. My brothers are black. Growing up we had n lover painted on our house a bunch.

Wow, Karm. That's awful! I agree, it is not just the south. I surely hope we have come a long way since then! That is just terrible and really shocking actually.

APendola · November 2013

I am always surprised to see that racism still does exist and a lot of people are uncomfortable with biracial couples.

The biracial couple issue came up on the weekend for me when someone I know made about a black man who had a hot, blonde girlfriend. He seemed to find it weird that this girl would choose to be with a black man and basically said that if I had married a black guy, he'd be uncomfortable with it. We got into a bit of a fight over this. Not really impressed that racist comments were made in front of my daughter, even though she can't understand yet.

I'm white...I briefly dated a black guy when I was 18 and a lot of my friends quite openly stated that they had an issue with it and felt that he was trouble. They didn't know anything about him, only that he was black.

My husband is latino ... Never really experienced an issue with this ...but occasionally I get some questions from people. Nothing hateful...it's usually just that some people are curious.

lewispm · November 2013

@wheelerc People refused to attend your wedding?!? That is so disheartening. I hope those people have either wised up and apologized profusely or are no longer a part of your lives for good reason.

My sister got married this past June and my grandmother was the only person we were worried about having an issue with anything. In fact, My sister hid her relationship from my grandmother for 2 years and when she finally told her, she (the same person who told me to "stay away from the slanty eyed" when I studied abroad in China) simply said "you can't help who you fall in love with" and has really taken it all in stride ever since.

lewispm · November 2013

daniellesa1220 said:

I haven't read the comments yet but I'll go back and read them once I finish here. I'm in an interracial marriage marriage and thankfully have not experience any racism while with MH except for the occasional jaw drop when they hear me speak Spanish because it's not expected. MH experiences it frequently though at work because he has an accent and works in sales and people will side-eye him and ask to work/speak with someone else "they can understand" (for the record, he speaks very well, just with an accent). He has a tough shell so he lets it roll off.

My sister and her boyfriend also experience it quite frequently and they live on the other side of the country in Oregon. She's white, he's black. It's blatantly obvious how he is treated differently. For example... he is an amazing photographer and was walking home one night with his equipment, wearing a hoodie and the cops stopped him, searched him, questioned him about where he got the photography equipment and pretty much accused him of stealing it. When they were trying to move in together and find an apartment, my sister would do the first run though and meet with the landlords by herself (his schedule was crazy busy) and pretty much get the go-ahead from them to move in. As soon as she came back with her boyfriend to show him the place, they would say that they couldn't rent it to them anymore or that it was unavailable. It happened so many times that it could not have been a coincidence. Also, since he's a photographer, most of his clients pay him via check. Well, when he goes to cash the check, they will hold the funds sometimes for up to 2 weeks before he's able to use the money and most often than not they even contact the person that wrote the check to confirm that they did indeed write it to him and that he didn't steal the check or write it himself. I could go on and on.

Racism is everywhere.

My jaw has dropped. Not only is this down right wrong, but totally illegal. WTH?

britbratjf · November 2013

Well my BFF has dated a Korean and Indian guy and never mentioned feeling like people stared or had issues with it. Although the Indian guys extended family had major issues no random strangers out and about seemed to find it something to stare at. We don't live in the south but we live in a super white suburb that has a racist history (like KKK used to March in the Xmas parade 40 years ago).

I will say that I think biracial babies are gorgeous and I tend to stare when I see them because they are so freaking cute. So it's a combination I'm sure of people staring at a cute baby/attractive family and people staring because they have an issue with your sister and BIL being together.

Pleione · November 2013

It may be in her head or it may be "real". The issue is that racism very much does exist, and just knowing it is there... being subject to it just once or twice even... will always make you wonder. I'm not white. Going into a fancy store and not being met and greeted when you notice everyone else is.... having the door person at Costco (just an example) scrutinize your bill for a minute longer... will always make me wonder. Maybe the shop assistants were busy right that second when I entered... maybe it's pure coincidence... but it's a constant awareness you live with. Same with anything that's non-normative in specific contexts... age, gender, etc.

lewispm · November 2013

zpanjwani said:

I am in an interracial marriage. I am Indian and my husband is white. I don't really get discriminated due to my race, but I have been because of my religion. For example, I work in financial services and there have been a handful of times clients have told me they didn't want to work with me, not because they didn't like me, but because they wanted to work with a Christian. So I guess for me it's not the way I look as much as my creed.

On the other hand, one of my good girlfriends is white and has a black boyfriend and I have seen first hand that they get strange looks all the time. I was shopping with them once and an old man shook his head in disgust at them. I guess it all depends on each individual's experiences. I would never tell someone who shared their experience with me that it could be all in their head. I'm not directing that towards you @LewisPM because I know that you didn't mean it like that, but unfortunately for some people racism is very much alive.

I agree with you 100% and would never tell anyone its "all in their head" and that was probably improper wording for me to use as well. What I should have said is that it's exacerbated by their own expectations, not that it is totally based on that though.

When I asked my sister if she gets looks, she said she was 100% likely to be stared at no matter where she went with her husband by almost everyone there. I suggested it was because they were both very attractive and she said no, that it was mean, gawking looks. I just truly feel that at least half, maybe even more, of the perceived "haters" are actually not. Maybe just people watchers, maybe admiring their looks, maybe staring at her super tall hubby, maybe just curious.

StokedWifey · November 2013

Unfortunately, racism is alive and well all over, and until people stop teaching their children to be ignorant, it will never die. The stories on here break my heart!

@lewispm I kinda wish your sister's husband would just talk to the people who stare at them. He is one of the sweetest guys ever and could really change ignorant people's minds.

I have no doubt that people in mixed relationships get looks, but I can also see @bliz1712's comparison to a new car. I notice people watching me all the time now, especially if Bryson is doing something particularly cute (or let's face it- rude and loud). I also find myself watching kids more now too.

zyas · November 2013

Manda+Chase said:
I know a few biracial couples, and I've never heard them mention that they feel judged or that people are staring at them. But then, I've never come straight out and asked either. It isn't something they ever mention in conversation, though.

My last boyfriend before my husband was of Lebanese descent, and I never felt like people stared at us. And if they did, it was probably because he was over a foot taller than me.

In high school and college I dated a guy who was Lebanese too. He was quite dark and always got mistaken for being East Indian. I did notice that we got stared at quite often but it was usually by East Indians and mostly older ones too.

singingirl96 · November 2013

I think some stares may be legitimately judgmental, but a lot of it I feel could be from her own insecurities.

I also feel that this is a textbook case of the social psycological concept called a "Looking Glass Self". Read about it here

Lets say hypothetically speaking, I had a HUGE nose and I felt really self conscious over this huge nose of mine.... Well, I think that every time I noticed someone looking at me I would feel they were looking a me because they were judging my ginormous nose...

People people watch. Period. When I see a white couple with an asian baby, I automatically assume the baby is adopted.... Not that I have any racist or judgmental feelings over it... But people watching is just what most people do. It is in our nature to make assumptions on first impressions. If you say you don't do this, you're lying and you know it.

Also, babies get stared at a lot! My son draws all kinds of attention. I'm sure some people wonder if he's my son since he looks nothing like me. I'm a brunette with brown eyes and olive skin, and my son is a blond haired, blue-eyed boy.... but I'm not self conscious about this, so when I catch people staring, I automatically assume that it is because he's so unbelievably adorable, not because he may look different than I.

catmtl · November 2013

Racism is alive and kicking. I had a racial slur directed toward me just recently as I was innocently walking by at a Red Sox game. It was not in my head. And it sucked.

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