Need Advice - Dealing w/difficult StepMom

T&TSmith111213 · November 2013

I'm in need of some advice, make that desperate need. The situation between my sons stepmother & I is not good. It's to the point where I feel myself slowly being phased out of my sons life and when he isn't home in my arms it tears me apart.Let me back up a bit & give you some insight. My son is three and his father have been split since he was 2 weeks old. In the past three years his father has had several different women in his life, he is now married with a baby on the way. I too am remarried as of this past July . The woman that my ex married at first seemed like a great candidate and I was so happy he had found someone who had their life so together! We had conversations before they were married about the role she would play in my sons life and I felt like we were both on the same page. She even asked me to let her know if she ever does something that makes me feel uncomfortable or makes me feel as if "she's stepping on my toes". I agreed too and appreciated it very much. As time went on she began to refer to herself as my sons Mother and referred to his as her child / her son / her boy. She will post pictures of my child on social media and hashtag them "mommy son time" "true love" or "love my son". I approached her in what I felt was in a mature polite way but it all blew up in my face. Not only did she tell me she was his mother but that she made a much better one than I ever would. Since this has happened we have never been able to get along. In fact I feel as if it's only getting worse. She will bad mouth my parenting on social media, and post snarky remarks about myself. My son has come home saying "momma says your a bad mom, buy me better cloths" . I feel as though I am being bad mouthed behind my back and to my child! And that's not right. She signs all of his preschool papers before I can see them, takes him to school when he has had fevers (which is against policy). I've tried talking to her multiple times about everything and it seriously goes no where. She has been in the picture for a little over a year now, but she acts as if she gave birth to my child. If you friended her on social media you would truly think that she's the mother of my son. It truly hurts me to the core. My sons dad has zero back bone and refuses to even address the situation. He plainly states that's his wife and he will not do or say anything to upset her. As hard as it would be to make peace in this situation it's all I want to do. It's what's right for my son. I want her to respect the boundaries , respect that no matter what I will always be his mother. In her world I do not exist and she birthed my child. At times I feel like she obsessed with my child and it's disturbing! I have never had an issue with my son having a step mother, you can never have too many people to love your children, until this situation came about. What can I do to make her understand she is crossing the line? How can I make this situation better for all involved and help create a healthier environment for my boy?

+just+j+ · November 2013

Can I ask if you gave primary custody? What is your standard visitation schedule? Is she a legal guardian? From what you are saying, this could potentially be considered parental alienation. Potentially. All I can advise is that you document everything. Everything. You can also use your time with your son wisely and just be a good mom. I know it's going to be hard but you should take the high road and not criticize them in front of your son. You can say things like, "Hmmmm, well I don't remember it that way" or "they must be confused. Here is what I know."

fellesferie · November 2013

I think you need to take a deep breath and maybe make a list of things you can control versus things you cannot control. Think about things that are damaging to your child versus things that are just hurting your feelings. What matters versus what does not really matter.

Do you have your child 50% or more of the time? Are you a good parent to him? If so, then I think you need to focus on that. Focus on keeping things positive with your child, and go from there.

Like J said, definitely document things. Just keep a spreadsheet and put in some notes with dates. Keep screenshots of any "evidence." Once you have some data, call an attorney and see what s/he says. If there is support for parental alienation, then take it to your ex. Let him know that if these problem behaviors don't stop, you'll see them in court.

Other than that, don't try to talk to her about it again. Don't make any threats you won't follow through with. Don't try to argue about it with your child--just redirect and be a positive force in his life. Remind yourself that this is all a manifestation of her insecurity.

T&TSmith111213 · November 2013

My Ex and I share joint physical and Legal custody, it's always been that way - he's always been a good very involved dad. My son goes to his dads every other day and every other weekend. So it's on a regular basis, an DS comes home everytime with. Something negative to say about myself, my husband or our home. He is three and I don't feel like he could make these things up. E.G "mommy kids should live in apartments, I can't grow here"

T&TSmith111213 · November 2013

As far as her being a legal guardian - they are married. Does that make her a legal guardian? Custody is joint 50/50 between the ex and I

T&TSmith111213 · November 2013

"Kids SHOULDN'T live in an apartment, I can't grow here"

SueBear · November 2013

First of all, defriend her on social media. There is no reason for you to communicate with her at all through this channel! I would also do my best to push her out and communicate through your ex, not her. HE is the father, and it is HIS responsibility to co-parent with you. Yes, if a pickup that she will be responsible for changes, contact her, but if, for example, you are relaying info about a doctor's appointment, call/ text/ email your ex, and not her. SHE is not the parent. If your ex chooses to share, that's on him.

You need to have more confidence in yourself. As much as she badmouths you, she is NOT a better parent or even a great step-parent based on the actions you describe. Unless you are truly a poor and abusive mother (and buying clothes at Target does not make you a bad mom!), she is hurting your son by bad-mouthing you, and confusing him by saying she is really his mom when you are in the picture as well.

What is your custody arrangement? Do you or he have primary or is it joint? I would speak to the pre-school and ask that copies be sent to both homes (not an unusual request at all). What are the papers about? Is she ENROLLING him in preschool? She has no right to do that; your ex should be in charge and I would speak to a lawyer about that and clarifying what role she (and your spouse) has for major decisions (ie: she can take him to pre-K, but can't enroll him).

I will also say this - as much as a PITA she is now, I am willing to bet that once her own child is born, she might not be cooperative with you, but she probably won't be as involved with your son. In fact, the opposite might happen - she'll suddenly have no use for him.

T&TSmith111213 · November 2013

Thanksfor all the advice Ladies, I really appreciate it! I am going to do my absolute best to just focus entirely on being the best mother I can be and let all of this drama go. My son as well as myself know that I am a good mother! I love my kids and provide for them. I do agree I need to gain some confidence, thats always been struggle for me. I will be keeping record of all insidences though because if this does qualify as "parental alienation" It will be brought to my ex's attention. Its not healthy for my son to be objected to that especailly if it continues to get worse. I am done and have been done communication with her because it solves and achieves nothing. If only my ex would see where I am coming from and do something about it but as he has stated he "will not do or say anything that will upset her". I have quickly learned that in that house hold she calls all the shots. Even if it means he misses my families Thanksgiving Pitch-in this year "/ Thanks again everyone - it helps to know there are ppl out there willing to take the time to give good advice

+just+j+ · November 2013

I didnt catch this anywhere so i am going to assume that she is NOT a legal guardian. If that is the case then i would contact the school and his teacher about what is going on and make sure she is not granted further permissions to sign off on anything that is your childs paperwork. If BF starts signing things, they should make you aware and that you are included in all critical decisions.

When your son states these things, you conteract with the TRUTH and tell him little boys do not need to worry about these things. For what its worth, i live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my 3 year old and she is just fine. As long as you are providing a safe, loving home with enough room for two - he will thrive.

If you are seriously worried, contact a counselor that can help guide you and advise how to handle this all respectfully and effectively.

While its good she cares for your son she is denying you your rightful place as the birth mother. It may take time but with good documentation you can probably take them to court.

cole2144 · November 2013

+just+j+ said:

I didnt catch this anywhere so i am going to assume that she is NOT a legal guardian. If that is the case then i would contact the school and his teacher about what is going on and make sure she is not granted further permissions to sign off on anything that is your childs paperwork. If BF starts signing things, they should make you aware and that you are included in all critical decisions. When your son states these things, you conteract with the TRUTH and tell him little boys do not need to worry about these things. For what its worth, i live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my 3 year old and she is just fine. As long as you are providing a safe, loving home with enough room for two - he will thrive. If you are seriously worried, contact a counselor that can help guide you and advise how to handle this all respectfully and effectively. While its good she cares for your son she is denying you your rightful place as the birth mother. It may take time but with good documentation you can probably take them to court.

The BM in our situation tries to exclude my husband from any and all school functions and important decisions even though DH has 50/50 legal and physical custody. He contacted the principal and teacher directly by email and made it clear that 2 copies of everything are to go home with SD. He also checks the school`s website so he does not miss important info. I would do this if I were you. I would also make it clear SM is not to sign papers.

nattyncbride · November 2013

I don't have much experience, but wanted to offer support. I think you got some really good advice, and I'm glad you are documenting - that can't hurt.

I am not sure this has anything to do w/ what you are experiencing, but I noticed you are still do every other day (except for weekends). That was a great schedule for a 2 week old, and probably the first 1-2 years, as very young children need to see their parents frequently. But as a 3 year old, it might be time to consider a 2/5/2/5 schedule (Mon-Tues Parent A, Wed-Thurs Parent B, Friday-Sunday Parent A, and so on). That gives you longer blocks w/ your son, and gives him time to settle on one environment, but you still split the week so you never go too long w/out him. I have a 3.5 yr old, and that works well for all of us.

It's all about what works for you, so if this current schedule is not a problem, don't fix it!! Just thought I'd throw it out there to think about. Good luck, you are a good mom!

CFjo2010 · November 2013

SueBear said:

I will also say this - as much as a PITA she is now, I am willing to bet that once her own child is born, she might not be cooperative with you, but she probably won't be as involved with your son. In fact, the opposite might happen - she'll suddenly have no use for him.

I have to disagree with this. Even after PJ was born, I am still very involved with K. In fact, I think PJ being born strengthened our relationship and she has asked me to be even more involved because she wants PJ there for things. Family days at school? "Please bring PJ". She has requested several times that DH bring PJ with him when he picks up K or volunteers in her class.

T&TSmith111213 as others have posted, just focus on your relationship and what you can control. If SM doesn't know she's getting under your skin, she might stop the behavior. There's an excellent chance she's doing these things just to upset you. Keep documenting everything, and contact the school for duplicates of things. And I agree with @nattyncbride about the schedule. Maybe it's time to switch things up a bit so that your son is getting more time at each household and having time to settle.

SueBear · November 2013

Just to clarify and address @CfJo2010- I don't think that most SMs change / become less involved once they have a bio-child or bio-child with SC's parent (except for of course having to split time between children). Not at all!!!

However, in THIS case, the calling the child "my son," and implying to SS that she is more of a parent than a perfectly capable bio-mom makes me feel the SM has some kind of need (ego, connection to H) that is being met through the SS. The SM in this case puts her own selfish needs in front of what is best for SS. THAT is what I find troubling, because if her needs are met with the bio-child, then her "obsession" with SS will be over and SS could be cast aside.

+just+j+ · November 2013

I agree with the last couple of posts. I had not thought of hiw a new baby could factor in. Also, just wait until your child becomes a moody pre-teen and start voicing his own thoughts and ideas and is not so toddler cute.

twister22 · November 2013

I am sorry that you are going through this. I agree with others that this could very well be PA and that you should document and speak with an attorney. If DS says something like "SM said a little boy shouldn't grow up in an apartment" I would retort with "There's nothing wrong with a little boy growing up in an apartment, SM must have been confused. I love you very much and will make sure that you are taken care of."

nurrieum · November 2013

SueBear said:
Just to clarify and address @CfJo2010- I don't think that most SMs change / become less involved once they have a bio-child or bio-child with SC's parent (except for of course having to split time between children). Not at all!!!

However, in THIS case, the calling the child "my son," and implying to SS that she is more of a parent than a perfectly capable bio-mom makes me feel the SM has some kind of need (ego, connection to H) that is being met through the SS. The SM in this case puts her own selfish needs in front of what is best for SS. THAT is what I find troubling, because if her needs are met with the bio-child, then her "obsession" with SS will be over and SS could be cast aside.

I agree this is a possibility, to me it sounds like this person wants to "win" as the better mom. I don't think it will stop when she has her own child, she doesn't have anyone to compete with for her child just SS. I think its about winning and this obsessive need for validation as the better mom, which she'll only get through her SS. Document, do therapy, and maybe later on some mediation. She sounds like her insecurities rule her actions. I'm really involved with my SS but always reiterate who his mom is. Some people get lost with boundaries and don't realize the hurt they do the child. If she says negative things about you, she indirectly rejects him, because he is a part of you.

That is why documenting and therapy for you both would be good. A good play therapist is what my mom (a therapist herself recommended for us when our SS that age. Also, if she's an "oh do involved SM perhaps she'll (and ex) will want involvement in SS therapy, which could open up other things.

ambrvan · November 2013

nurrieum said:

SueBear said:
Just to clarify and address @CfJo2010- I don't think that most SMs change / become less involved once they have a bio-child or bio-child with SC's parent (except for of course having to split time between children). Not at all!!!

However, in THIS case, the calling the child "my son," and implying to SS that she is more of a parent than a perfectly capable bio-mom makes me feel the SM has some kind of need (ego, connection to H) that is being met through the SS. The SM in this case puts her own selfish needs in front of what is best for SS. THAT is what I find troubling, because if her needs are met with the bio-child, then her "obsession" with SS will be over and SS could be cast aside.

I agree this is a possibility, to me it sounds like this person wants to "win" as the better mom. I don't think it will stop when she has her own child, she doesn't have anyone to compete with for her child just SS. I think its about winning and this obsessive need for validation as the better mom, which she'll only get through her SS. Document, do therapy, and maybe later on some mediation. She sounds like her insecurities rule her actions. I'm really involved with my SS but always reiterate who his mom is. Some people get lost with boundaries and don't realize the hurt they do the child. If she says negative things about you, she indirectly rejects him, because he is a part of you.

That is why documenting and therapy for you both would be good. A good play therapist is what my mom (a therapist herself recommended for us when our SS that age. Also, if she's an "oh do involved SM perhaps she'll (and ex) will want involvement in SS therapy, which could open up other things.

My thoughts exactly. I think it might even get worse with the arrival of her own child. The need to have that "perfect" nuclear family would play into her need to be the "better" mom. And the OP is the one standing in the way of her perfect scenario.

Nineoceans · November 2013

So here's what I think, when people point a finger four come back to you. So when she's saying nasty things about you, it is really to cover something about herself she's uncomfortable with.

She sounds REALLY insecure. The less you feed into it the better. Block her from social media.

When your son says things like this to you I would just tell him, "lots of moms and kids live different ways in lots of different countries. In rural China many kids would think you were the richest kid around if they saw your apartment. We have to be grateful for OUR blessings and not count and judge other people's."

This stuff only works if it bothers you. If you are completely above it, it will get old for her.

Sigir · November 2013

Dotnt have much more to add because the others have said it so well. I am sorry that you have to deal with this it sounds really horrible.

Nineoceans said:

When your son says things like this to you I would just tell him, "lots of moms and kids live different ways in lots of different countries. In rural China many kids would think you were the richest kid around if they saw your apartment. We have to be grateful for OUR blessings and not count and judge other people .

I LOVE this idea. I am reminded of that movie that was maybe called Babies that showed 4 different babies growing up around the world. One was in a one room but in china, one in an apt in Scandinavia , etc. Maybe you could show him some pictures of the different ways people live all over the world. Not showing poverty, just like huts in china, apartments in japan, etc. with happy families. I think that might address it pretty well.

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