Family Gift Exchange vent

NicoleWI · November 2013

DH's family is great, really, but I think the gift exchange is totally out of hand and it bugs me. We finally "cut back" a few years ago and now just buy for one of the siblings/spouses. We used to buy for everyone plus a special "big" gift for one person each. So, at least we each buy for one person now, but they again set the limit at $100! I would much, much prefer a lower limit. I think it's crazy to spend $100. That's $200/couple before buying for his parents and the nieces/nephews. Plus, we also spend money on each other, our kids, and my side of the family, so it starts to add up fast. Do you think this is high?

Nechie122 · November 2013

Yes, that's pretty high. But if you can't convince them to lower it, there's nothing that says you have to spend the maximum. It's the upper limit, not the requirement. I'd rather receive a thoughtful gift than have someone spend money on something just because it meets a certain price target. No one will know how much you spent when they open it, unless it's something obvious.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

Why do you all still buy for the parents? That's seems odd.

As said - it's the limit. Not the minimum.

thedash · November 2013

EastCoastBride said:
Why do you all still buy for the parents? That's seems odd.

As said - it's the limit. Not the minimum.

DH and I buy our parents Christmas gifts. I think it would be odd not to. We don't usually spend much - maybe $30-$50 on each person though.

Our gift exchange limit is $25 and I think it's perfect. You can get something useful, thoughtful, or funny!

nosoup4u · November 2013

EastCoastBride said:
Why do you all still buy for the parents? That's seems odd.

As said - it's the limit. Not the minimum.

Why wouldn't you buy something for your parents? We usually give cookies/candy and coffee or booze to our siblings anymore, but our parents and our nieces and nephews still get "real" presents.

Nechie122 · November 2013

nosoup4u said:

EastCoastBride said:
Why do you all still buy for the parents? That's seems odd.

As said - it's the limit. Not the minimum.
Why wouldn't you buy something for your parents? We usually give cookies/candy and coffee or booze to our siblings anymore, but our parents and our nieces and nephews still get "real" presents.

I buy gifts for my parents but it also struck me as odd that if the point of the gift exchange is for each person to buy for one adult, then shouldn't the parents count only once in the pool? Or does the gift exchange only apply to the siblings?

EastCoastBride · November 2013

I buy for my parents, but we buy for everyone. I find it odd to do a "cost saving measure" where you don't buy for the adults, but oh wait, still buy for some adults. You have to do what feels right for you, but tondo some adults but not others, but then all the kids... It's almost like "just do everyone, then".

diamondduck13 · November 2013

$100 definitely seems high. I've always aimed for no more than $25 per person on my list, and love it when I find something good for less. I agree with PPs, consider it a limit, not a requirement. If I were in your family and you found me the perfect gift for $10, I'd graciously thank you and complement you on your thriftiness

shannm · November 2013

It does seem high but it depends on the family. I know my in laws wouldn't bat an eye at that now but our limit in our sibling exchange is about 50.

How about suggesting a couple or family exchange?

skibunny59 · November 2013

I think that's ridiculous. My family stopped buying gifts for adults like 5 years ago. Now we only buy for the kids and we do a white elephant on Christmas eve. Our budget for the white elephant gift is no more than $40. Everyone looks forward to it. It is so much fun and hilarious.

For DH's family we used to have to buy for all adults and kids. We never ever had a limit but I never spent more than $30 or $40 per couple. Just this year DH's family finally decided not to do adults and to just buy for the kids.

Honestly, I never understood having to spend a ridiculous amount of money on Christmas gifts. Especially for adults. Just never made sense to me. Christmas should be about family time and celebrating and not how much money you spent on people and the quality/quantity of gifts you gave or received.

Unfortunately, I think your DH has to be the one to have that talk with his family.

skibunny59 · November 2013

nosoup4u said:

Why do you all still buy for the parents? That's seems odd. As said - it's the limit. Not the minimum.
Why wouldn't you buy something for your parents? We usually give cookies/candy and coffee or booze to our siblings anymore, but our parents and our nieces and nephews still get "real" presents.

Honestly, because my parents would much rather prefer we take them out to dinner or treat them to a night out in AC then buy my dad a sweater that he will never wear or my mom a pair of shoes that she doesn't like.

ss+el · November 2013

That seems high to me as well. We used to draw names among the adults for a $25-30 gift, but now that we've got a bunch of kids between us, we have the kids draw names and the adults all bring a $5 white elephant gift for fun.

laurakaz13 · November 2013

Yes, I think it's super high. Have you talked to DH about it? Maybe he can say something to his family?

I have the same complaints about DH's family, and finally last year we said, "Absolutely no gifts for DH and I, just DD. Period." SIL and BIL said the same thing, so finally this year we're just buying gifts for the kids and parents.

DTNZ4Ever · November 2013

We don't do spending limits we just do what our budget allows for. I typically spend $50 per person which is for my parents each and my sister. My DH takes care of his parents and my brother in law. DS is the only child on mine and DH's family. We do buy for my cousins' children and I limit it to $20-25 and that includes kids from 4-21. I stop once the "kids" are out of undergrad or are working full time.

Kmartinrvt13 · November 2013

We do a white elephant Christmas with DH's fathers side of the family and it's limit is like $20 and there is usually a theme. It's a fun time and I only buy that and my parents/DH's parents. Otherwise it gets to be too much.

danigirl7181 · November 2013

On DHs side we pool money and get his parents something, and we don't buy for any other adult. We also don't buy for every kid (there are 8 now), we only buy for god children and spend about $50. There are only two nieces on my side so I buy for both, I am giving them $50 gift cards this year (that's what they want). I also buy for my parents, I don't spend a ton, around $50 again. We don't spend a ton on our own kids either, we will probably spend around $100 each.

MRads · November 2013

For my family, we exchange names between my sisters and BILs (max $25) and the cousins exchange names (max $25). We all buy for my parents bc they buy for all of us.

I would feel awkward with a max of $100. I realize you can spend less, but it feels weird if you spend $30 and get a $100 gift.

TheBorg7of9 · November 2013

You and your dh could go in together. Then you would get one gift for both of you and buy only one gift too. That's how we do our gift exchange, so that people who want to spend less can do so.

KL777 · November 2013

Yeah, that's high. On my dad's side we finally cut out the gift buying for adults this year. Now we're just buying for the kids, and I mean real kids, not teenagers. On my mother's side however, we're still buying for everyone. It does get to be expensive after you are already buying for DH and DC.

jf198400 · November 2013

That is high, especially since you have to buy 2 gifts! We stopped exchanging gifts with siblings when we all started having kids. This year we are only buying gifts for godchildren, instead of all nieces and nephews (there are 5 kids in the family). We do exchange gifts with our parents, but it's usually photo albums or framed pics of the kids.

sugarbear0524 · November 2013

I think it's high. DH and I are on a budget and are paying off debt as fast as we can, so what you're describing would not work for us at all. We have a budget and we'll have to stick to it.

My DH is a wonderful, generous person who wants to buy for everyone. The problem is, he has 5 nieces/nephews (3 with spouses) and they have 6 kids between them. Then we have FIL/MIL and SIL/BIL That's gifts for 18 people and he wants to buy for everyone! Last year, I baked cinnamon bread for each family and we got the kids a book each. We did a calendar for MIL/FIL and bought something small for SIL/BIL. We'll probably have to do something similar this year but it's just crazy to buy for that many people. And that's just DH's family...

traveltheworld · November 2013

I agree it's high. That said, DH's family are also really big into gift giving and tend to give expensive gifts. Last year we spent about $1,000 on his side of the family. I've just come to accept that fact and made room in our monthly budget for it. We do end up getting really thoughtful gifts in return, so I don't complain too much. When DH and I first got married 8 years ago, I tried to do a gift exchange thing where we'd only have to buy for one person. Everyone agreed but ended up buying "side presents" for others. They just love giving gifts!

At least with his parents, they've said that they only want food items nows, so last year we just got them a few jars of gourmet honey.

traveltheworld · November 2013

Oh I should add that the funny thing is, DH and I are so not into gift-giving. We haven't bought each other a gift in years. But we just go along for his family. For my parents, I usually make them a photo album, they love that.

NicoleWI · November 2013

I'm the OP. I think it's crazy, but we've been down this road several times and DH starts to get super defensive and say that I just am being "cheap" with his family. Whatever, I just suck it up now, but I still think it's crazy. At least we've cut down already (used to buy for ALL of his siblings and their spouses, PLUS the special 'big gift' for one of them, plus his parents and the nieces and nephews). That was totally nuts.

Now, DH and I each have one adult name, plus his parents, and this year for the first time we are just buying for godchildren instead of all the kids. So that will really help. Also, this year, it's supposed to be "$100 firm--not more!" b/c in his family it almost got to be a competition about who could go more overboard than the next person. I hated it and felt like the focus was way off. Instead of enjoying time together, we'd have this marathon stressful/competitive gift opening. I would give what I thought was really nice, and then everyone else would give way bigger items and I would feel like my gift turned out to inadequate. Plus, communication was bad one year and I thought the limit was $75 to start with. Anyway, whatever, at least I'm glad to know that I'm not just being "cheap" and this really is crazy for adults to spend on each other. I don't spend that much on my siblings or parents unless I'm doing some kind of special gift.

APendola · November 2013

If you think the limit is high, voice your opinion. Tell them that it is a little out of budget and you suggest having a limit of $50 (or whatever you think is reasonable).

junebugrbig · November 2013

DH's family is very nutty about Christmas and goes bananas buying gifts for the kids and each other. It's not the $$ spent but it is a million little things or inexpensive presents. I have had to push for a number of years now to ask them to limit how many presents they get for the kids because it is just overwhelming. We seriously had to spread it out over two days. It has gotten better but still not where I want it to be.

My sister and I stopped exchanging xmas presents. We ended up just exchanging gift cards which was pointless. We usually exchange yummy goodies. We do exchange birthday presents but it has to be a non-gift card present.

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