"SO. Were you trying?"

LKHoffa · November 2013

Maybe I am extra sensitive to this question, but when this is one of the first things I am asked right after my announcement, I think it is so rude. One friend asked, and I said yes. Instead of letting it go, she followed up with "How long were you trying for?" I had fertility issues that not many people know about and had to give myself injections eventually. I didn't want to tell this friend that, but she caught me off guard, and I just spilled the beans. I'm mad at myself now though! Just venting! I know there are worse things people could say, but I am SUCH a private person, and I feel like there are certain questions (like "how many carats is your engagement ring?" that shouldn't be asked!)

whoberry · November 2013

I agree. I think it's rude when people ask questions like that. I think I would just say something like - "yes it was planned" and leave it at that.

I have a co-worker who is particularly obnoxious and has been randomly asking me if I'm pregnant for the last 4 years. It's usually in front of my boss or other large groups of people. Really makes me want to smack her.

Luna C · November 2013

I'm with you. I find that question really, really obnoxious. If I'm close enough for you to need the answer to that question, you already have it. And if you're just a random co-worker, you really shouldn't be that interested in my sex life.

StacyH0507 · November 2013

We struggled with infertility as well and for me its hard to explain why its twins without going into the whole injections cause you to ovulate more eggs and then people get all confused!

puttyeast · November 2013

We were not trying so this question really irritates me. We are not married yet and I'm trying to finish teaching certification so the answer seems obvious. So why ask? It doesn't change how excited we are about it!!

StinaLeigh · November 2013

It is such a rude question. What do they want you to say?? 'Nope this baby is a total oops! Or 'Yep, we were trying hard every night for months' (how's that picture for ya?) Huge peeve.

Beeank · November 2013

Someone asked us this and I responded with "trying to see who finished first." And then we proceeded to high five. Bet you feel awkward now for even asking me, huh?

Especially rude since we just had a miscarriage in April and had already gone public with our pregnancy. Some people just don't have filters.

lauren063092 · November 2013

Beeank said:
Someone asked us this and I responded with "trying to see who finished first." And then we proceeded to high five. Bet you feel awkward now for even asking me, huh?

Especially rude since we just had a miscarriage in April and had already gone public with our pregnancy. Some people just don't have filters.

Lol! Great response!
I started telling people "we didn't have to try" and giving them a look like I don't understand why they would even ask.

katekat8721 · November 2013

That question bothers me too, and I'm also pretty sensitive to it because we had to do IVF to get our little ones.

I just say "Yes", same answer when people ask if twins run in the family. I'm not ashamed of our infertility or having to do IVF, and I'm open about it with people who are open minded and asking because they genuinely care. But the people who just want to know because they're nosey, they can go screw themselves

1982Babies · November 2013

I think if someone asks me this when I announce, I'll probably say something like "nope, just slipped on his dick and got pregnant" or something else as rude.

this1life · November 2013

This question doesn't bother me so much. We tried for over a year and ended up pregnant the month we were starting our infertility testing. I feel like there are so many minsconceptions about how people "get pregnant" and that it's such an "easy" thing to do for everyone, I don't like the idea of perpetuating this idea so I'll tell people my scoop if they ask.

Luna C · November 2013

Beeank said:

Someone asked us this and I responded with "trying to see who finished first." And then we proceeded to high five. Bet you feel awkward now for even asking me, huh? Especially rude since we just had a miscarriage in April and had already gone public with our pregnancy. Some people just don't have filters.

I like your style. Since I'm 40, I'm anticipating some of our more obnoxious friends (or should I say, "friends") to ask if we were doing IVF. I already warned The Dude my response is going to be that we used the same method as drunk teenagers everywhere.

My feeling is if you ask a rude question, you should expect a rude response.

Luna C · November 2013

StinaLeigh said:

It is such a rude question. What do they want you to say?? 'Nope this baby is a total oops! Or 'Yep, we were trying hard every night for months' (how's that picture for ya?) Huge peeve.

Exactly this. Just how much detail do you want on a person's sex life? Personally, I never want to picture any of my friends or co-workers doing it. I hope they are getting it as much or as little as they want -- but I prefer to be in the dark about it, and to assume that all their kids arrived via stork.

I'm not a prude by any means, but I do think certain details of one's private life should be kept private.

littlemonstermama · November 2013

I could see why it would be frustrating for those who had long and tumultuous TTC experiences, but this question doesn't bother me very much because I feel like it's important for people to know that it's not always easy. I don't mind telling people I don't know very well that we was trying because, well, we were.

I also don't mind saying, "We were temping, charting, taking OPKs, about to start metformin, and one BFN away from putting egg whites in my vagina before accepting that we needed fertility treatments," if a good friend asks. If they learn something, they learn something. And maybe they're suffering silently and we can talk strategies.

chaysefaith · November 2013

I'd be curious to know if the person OP was taking to is struggling with infertility. That seems like such a random question to ask someone how long they had been trying.

Surprisingly no one has asked me if we were trying, and I was totally prepared to get it from everyone.

Csouthx · November 2013

Me and my partner never really used anything because he sadly had testiculer cancer so we never thought we could have children, ( about 2 months after looking into ivf we conceived naturally with no help. Still grining from ear to ear

laramt · November 2013

I'm sorry that someone asked you that. None of their damn business. I was at work the other day when a heavily pregnant woman booked a pedicure and a passerby client asked her when she was due and then...how much weight she had gained! I don't know about you guys, but I just cringed and closed my eyes! I hope NO ONE asks me that. The pregnant woman looked mortified, by the way and whispered her answer.

Luna C · November 2013

SNLT1012 said:

I'd be curious to know if the person OP was taking to is struggling with infertility. That seems like such a random question to ask someone how long they had been trying.

I have had SO many people ask us this. Maybe because we've been together so long already they assumed we didn't want them? I don't know. But I really do think it's extremely rude. There's nothing wrong with infertility, but not everyone who dealt with it is going to want to talk about it. So people should assume that if you don't mention how long you were trying, if you needed medical intervention, etc., that you don't want to talk about it.

KristaU831 · November 2013

My friends husband asked me last night. I blushed so bad but told him yes. Fwiw I'm close to his wife and she had mentioned to him we were going to wait til our dd was 3, but she misremembered, I said I wanted dd to be over 3 when a new lo was born.

Swiftymomof3 · November 2013

I get that a lot too. Soooo annoying!

chaysefaith · November 2013

Luna C said:

SNLT1012 said:

I'd be curious to know if the person OP was taking to is struggling with infertility. That seems like such a random question to ask someone how long they had been trying.

I have had SO many people ask us this. Maybe because we've been together so long already they assumed we didn't want them? I don't know. But I really do think it's extremely rude. There's nothing wrong with infertility, but not everyone who dealt with it is going to want to talk about it. So people should assume that if you don't mention how long you were trying, if you needed medical intervention, etc., that you don't want to talk about it.

Oh I totally agree, and was slightly shocked to read that someone had the balls to ask that. Which is why I wondered if maybe they were struggling with infertility themselves.

Luna C · November 2013

LoHerrim said:

After our last loss, I had so many people ask if I was getting fixed because I didn't need to put myself or my family thru that again.

That is horrible. I can't believe people would ask that. Whatever other medical issues you may have going on, that's no one's place to make a suggestion like that.

I will never understand why people feel women's uteruses belong to the community and that they all somehow get a vote in what we do with them.

LKHoffa · November 2013

SNLT1012 said:

I'd be curious to know if the person OP was taking to is struggling with infertility. That seems like such a random question to ask someone how long they had been trying. Surprisingly no one has asked me if we were trying, and I was totally prepared to get it from everyone.

She isn't having issues, but it think she is very paranoid that she will. I can appreciate that, but as someone who went through infertility, it can be frustrating to hear people panic and get pregnant within the first two months of trying. If she was having issues, I would definitely be more open! I just tend to be very private, and I am trying to avoid telling the judgmental people in my life and everyone who wants to speculate.

verydisgruntledpelican0091 · November 2013

This is one of the reasons I am so nervous to tell people. When I told my BFF she offered to take me for an abortion lol.
So if people ask if we where trying, obviously NOT because I was just going to start police training and can't do that now. So yes this child is a surprise because it's something we didn't know we wanted until the 2nd line appeared

Congrats to all those who were trying

kaitlin&kurth · November 2013

I hate this question!!! What business is it of yours if we were or not? Why does it matter? I've only told a few people so far but this questions has already come up. It really irks me.

Alesha1994 · December 2013

A lot of people asked my bf that and honestly if it was their business I prob wouldn't have just said I'm pregnant when I announced I would've been like I'm pregnant been trying for a while now... Like no that's an inappropriate question. But must come from people who don't care about others feelings but their own, or ones who want information. Ugh it's annoying!!

elsa1688 · December 2013

A male client asked me if it was planned. It was so awkward

tnd1218 · December 2013

At our Thanksgiving announcement my cousin who has 3 kids from 3 fathers and has never been married, living with the father or in a relationship with the father asked me why I was having a third baby and was it planned. I couldn't even find the words to answer her! I find it inappropriate for someone to ask this question but when she asked I was a bit in shock.