Really need some advice/support/opinions? (someone else's bfp is mentioned)

Danielle0311 · November 2013

Hey all, I intro'd a few weeks ago, just had my d&c three weeks ago and overall have been doing okay. Lately I just feel like I can't get control of my emotions and have been really sad, even more so then when it first happened. Well, the issue I have is with my I laws. When we told them we were expecting my mother in law and sister in law showed absolutely no excitement which killed DH and I. Come to find out they expected my sister in law to be "first" so it was jealousy, nice right? Especially considering DH is the oldest but why should any of that matter? Anyways, I invited them all to dinner last night because I always try to be nice to them for DH sake and in the middle of dinner at a crowded table and restaurant my sis In law blurts out "sooooo guess what IM PREGNANT GUYS" so what do I do? I try to hold it together and smile and say congratulations but then I start crying, a lot. I was so embarrassed but what did she expect? I am 3 weeks out of a miscarriage and she attacked me with this news in a public place? Am I wrong for being angry at how this went down? I feel like I just took 100 steps backwards now and I don't know what to do

it was so awkward I don't even know what to say to my In laws now? Even better, my mother in law then said... "guys this was just a small hiccup in your life and now you get to be an aunt or uncle" are you fucking kidding me?!?' someone please shed some insight on all this and give me some advice... I'm really sorry this got kind of long.. Thanks for reading. Edit: spelling

rubysi · November 2013

These feelings really can hit you from out of the blue... it is ok to have them. Your hormones are ruling you right now and it does get better. Not knowing how your mother in law, I will guess she was not trying to upset you further. Most people have no idea what to say. I am sorry you had that experience. >:D<

ashtonblair123 · November 2013

((Hugs)) I'm so sorry they acted like that. I would avoid them unless you absolutely HAVE to see them. It's ridiculous for your sister in law to think that that was an okay way to tell you and I seriously want to TP your MIL. Your DH should understand why you don't want to be around the ILs anymore for the time being.

KC1212 · November 2013

I agree with PP. Your hormones are wacky and you're still grieving. I'm sure it was embarrassing but ya know what - it's also perfectly normal - I wouldn't feel compelled to explain yourself.

Unfortunately, after a long time TTC (which I sincerely hope you don't have) you will (or I did at least) become very skilled at anticipating announcements long before they happened - but it helps prepare mentally and lessen the blow.

The good side is - your SIS in law just found out - right? You have awhile before you have to worry about showers and stuff and hopefully by then you will be pregnant and able to share her joy.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

PinkCamino · November 2013

I absolutely hate that you've been put in this position (((hugs)))

My SIL had an early loss, right at the time I conceived. We did not know about her M/C because she kept the pregnancy a secret from everyone. When we finally found out that she was both pregnant and losing the baby we were also faced with having to tell her that we were expecting. We chose to send an email. I know it's highly debated, I know it might be insensitive but for us, it made total sense. We knew she'd be angry, jealous and upset and we wanted to give her the time she needed to process it all.

What took us by surprise were the comments my inlaws made about how unfair it was that we were having a baby first. In their eyes, SIL was married first and thus should reproduce first despite the fact my Dh is about 8 years older. Clearly, our pregnancy didn't work out either and when we faced with even more comments about how it wasn't meant to be and it was all gods plan - I decided I needed an indefinite break from both SIL and ILs.

All that to say, it's 100% okay and normal to take a step back if that's what you feel YOU need right now. We can never change people, their reactions or their insensitive comments. What we can do though, is protect ourselves. It's okay and healthy to set boundaries and if that means keeping your distance from them temporarily then you should feel comfortable making that decisions free from guilt okay? This road isn't an easy one and we do not have to put ourselves in situations where our hearts ache even more.

((((((HUGS))))))

Danielle0311 · November 2013

snegde said:

oh jeez... that is pretty messed up. I am sorry your husband comes from such an insensitive family... do you ever ask yourself how he turned out to be so kind? (I do that with mine ALL.THE.TIME.) Big hugs! For the good and bad of it your emotions are completely normal. I experienced severe waves of grief for months post loss, a year out I still have some really bad days but it does get better. It's not just a small hiccup and that is a truly awful thing to say. I would definitely set up some distance and boundaries with your MIL and SIL you need time to heal and shouldn't have to subject yourself to their lack of care for your emotions and experience. Let yourself grieve, lean on this community and your husband for your support. That is how some of us do become so close because very few people in real life understand unless they have been through it themselves. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

I ask myself and tell him all the time I have no idea how he became so amazing out of that family! This was not the first crappy thing theynhave done/said to us. He looks nothing like them and has a heart of gold which none of them do. It's amazing, I love him so much! DH was just as angry/hurt as I was at how that whole situation went down and he wants some distance as well, thank god for that. Thank you so much for your replies ladies. Last night was my worst night yet during this experience

Danielle0311 · November 2013

@pinkcamino, wow I am so sorry for your loss and that you had to deal with that. Your inlaws sound a lot like mine

I think how you told your sis in law was perfect. I told DH I wish she would have called us over the phone, the. We could have had our moment in private and when we saw her again we could have give her a more proper "congratulations" and not that horrible display of hurt and anger that I was so embarrassed over. I can't believe "family" behaves this way. You were right to get some distance and I think I need the same.

Bigboneded · November 2013

I am so sorry you had to have that happen! You can be happy for SIL and MIL later. I think its fair that you get to grieve for your loss before jumping on their party wagon. So glad you have a husband who is your partner. Hugs for you, and some tears. Hope they get better. A break sounds like a good plan :-)

2ndGeneration · November 2013

I'm sorry, OP. Your SIL should have called or emailed you ahead of time-she still could have made her announcement but at least you'd have been prepared.

As far as your MIL, she sound like one with no brain-to-mouth filter!

I'm a big believer in boundaries. I give people a chance but if I have to put up boundaries, I will. In fact, at my last loss (in May) we had told both mine and dh's parents that we were pregnant. After the loss, my mom said something stupid (unintentionally on her part, she's just clueless) and dh's mom made remarks to him about my age. Sooooo, as a result, none of them got told when I was preg this time (m/c on Tuesday). I didn't have to deal with them. To be fair to my mom-I did tell her that I was m/c and she expressed proper condolences and came over to help. Dh's mom still doesn't even know we were preg and prob. won't.

If I was you, I'd decide what boundaries you are comfortable with as far as those people, and keep them-it makes your life a lot more peaceful.

JustinsGirl2011 · November 2013

The ladies above have said it perfectly so I am just sending you a huge ((HUGS)) & am sorry that you are going through this.

carlsonbaby2014 · November 2013

Oh wow I'm so, so sorry love. The other ladies have given great advice so I just want to layer on the ((((hugs))))!!!

BluEyedGirl26 · November 2013

I agree with the PPs that some distance is probably a good idea but I just wanted to offer you (((hugs))). I'm so sorry you had to experience that and that SIL and MIL were so insensitive. More (((hugs))).

jap618 · November 2013

Oh hun (((hugs))) I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I wish people could even begin to understand that most of what they say is insensitive

I think @snedge & @pinkcamino said it best. I think distancing yourself for the time being may be best.

Also, if it were me I would probably send a text or e-mail just letting them know that you are happy for them and you want to be there but right now while you're grieving it will be hard and that when you are ready you will approach them. Hopefully this will keep them from non-stop pregnancy talk around you & not rubbing it in. I'm also big on educating the people that I care about (and don't actually want to cut ties with) on why what they are saying is insensitive. Most people aren't trying to be hurtful and don't realize why it is. They will never truly understand unless they go through it so I don't think there's anything wrong with gently explaining that what they are saying (It's not meant to be, It's God's plan, Well my friend had one too so..., It's just a small hiccup or any of the other ridiculous things they say) is not helpful. ((hugs)) hun.

Danielle0311 · November 2013

jap618 said:

Oh hun (((hugs))) I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I wish people could even begin to understand that most of what they say is insensitive I think @snedge & @pinkcamino said it best. I think distancing yourself for the time being may be best.

Also, if it were me I would probably send a text or e-mail just letting them know that you are happy for them and you want to be there but right now while you're grieving it will be hard and that when you are ready you will approach them. Hopefully this will keep them from non-stop pregnancy talk around you & not rubbing it in. I'm also big on educating the people that I care about (and don't actually want to cut ties with) on why what they are saying is insensitive. Most people aren't trying to be hurtful and don't realize why it is. They will never truly understand unless they go through it so I don't think there's anything wrong with gently explaining that what they are saying (It's not meant to be, It's God's plan, Well my friend had one too so..., It's just a small hiccup or any of the other ridiculous things they say) is not helpful. ((hugs)) hun.

After the terribly awkward ending to our dinner my SIL sent me a text that said exactly these words "sorry you are upset, see you soon" lovely right? So I responded "I did not mean to react that way but I couldn't contain my Hurt. I don't feel a crowded restauraunt 3 weeks out from my loss was the best way to tell me, I felt cornered with it. With that said I want you to know I am very happy for you I just need time to grieve and I need people to showcalms understanding of that" I really didn't know what to say to her so hopefully that was right? To be honest, I don't like her and a part of me feels like she wanted to rub it in my face after seeing the smile on her face when she blurted it out to us and her lack of care when we got pregnant, it is just a crappy situation... I really do need space from them.

LaRomana09 · November 2013

I think PPs have covered it, so I just wanted to add some more (((HUGS))). I'm glad you spoke up and told your SIL how you felt, and I'm sorry your SIL and MIL are being so incredibly insensitive. FWIW, they are the ones who should feel awkward and uncomfortable about the whole incident, not you. (((HUGS)))

jap618 · November 2013

@danielle0311 ((hugs)) and so many more!! I hate when people don't understand how apologies work. I wish she would have just said "I'm sorry I was so insensitive and didn't think how hard that would be for you. I'm sorry I hurt you." And take ownership of what had juts happened. You handled it well & hopefully she will get it. That being said there are very few people in my life that I don't like but when they have announced their pregnancies it has been extra hard because I truly feel like they wanted to rub it in and were just mean, nasty people. It sucks. I'm sorry if that's how you're feeling too, it's a shitty feeling

I'm here if you want to talk ((hugs))

sunflwr2 · November 2013

ugh! im sorry you are going through this. ive learned that people who have never struggled with infertility or pregnancy loss seriously have no clue. my husbabds sister in law is pregnant with their second (shes almost 38 and hes almost 41) and they literally had an "oops" pregnancy. she was complaining to me about how nervous she is becayse they have no money, blah blah blah (this was before I was pg or lost the baby) but while I was happy for her I couldnt help but think, do you know what I would give to get pregnant at the drop of a hat with a smooth sailing pregnancy? no shots, no progesterone, no months and months and months (etc) of trying? I dont wish it on anyone. but she is just clueless.
I think your text back to her was perfect. also, its really nice you and your husband are on the same page and can support eachother.
keep us updated!

ashellypnut · November 2013

Oh love, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. (((HUGS))) to you and TP to them. xoxo

Unknown · November 2013

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Frenchteachermama · November 2013

I agree with PP and am so sorry you had to go through this. As you can tell from all of the other stories, a lot of us have issues with insensitive family members. Shame on your SIL and MIL. Totally inexcusable.

classicstar28 · November 2013

I am so sorry this happened to you. Other PP have said it perfectly. You don't need to feel bad about how you are feeling or about how you reacted. It's terrible that your SIL decided to announce like this and how they both responded to your feelings. Take all the time you need away from them to heal. Again, I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this. (((HUGS)))

kaniela17 · November 2013

>:D< ((big hugs)) I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to deal with that too. I think you handled it very well and the text you sent back was very classy considering you don't really like her. TP to your mil too, that's a horrible thing to say to you. I have my own beliefs and reasons for what happen to me but I would never say that to anyone going through a mc. Sounds like you have great support with YH and I hope you can get some distance from them till you're ready.

Danielle0311 · November 2013

Thank you so much for your replies and support. I am so sorry for all of you who also had to deal with the terrible insensitivity of others

dawnstar898 · November 2013

Ugh, I could feel MY blood pressure rising while reading this. So sorry your in laws suck, I would just stay away! (((hugs))) Sorry for your loss
>:D<

nyg2042 · November 2013

PPs have covered it - so I'm just sending lots of ((hugs)).

jarc2009 · November 2013

Ugh that sounds awful!! My MIL and Sil can be so insensitive too so I can completly relate and understand how you were feeling and why you reacted like that. After my m/c my MIL was just overlly optimistic and kept saying "this is just one small thing, you'll be a mom soon!" and my SIL who has 3 kids of her own and never had any difficulty whatsoever always tries to talk to me about other people's pregnancies and her kids- one of which is a newborn. It's awful. I am so impressed with you with how direct you were with them in that text! It is so great you and DH are on the same page- I have found that DH being on my side and boundaries are the best way to deal with the in laws. I feel for you, and am so sorry you went through this/are going through this. I have found that getting the news of someone being pregnant is the worst part and even though it's painful every time it's mentioned, nothing ever hurts quite as bad as the first announcement. I hope it gets easier!

peggels24 · November 2013

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. ((hugs)) to you. Did your SIL reply to the text?

MrsG80inTN · November 2013

PPs have said it all but I'm just coming in with hugs because I totally understand crazy SILs!!! We've been TTC for 4 yrs and my SIL has 3 kids by men that aren't my BIL... Her tubes are now tied and she asked my inlaws if they'd pay to have them untied so she could give them a grandchild whereas I obviously couldn't... Needless to say I chose distance too.

esmith10 · November 2013

Wow. I am so sorry that you have to deal with such insensitive in laws!!! You've gotten some great advice from PP and I agree that you should keep your distance. ESPECIALLY after that text she sent you (to which you responded perfectly, btw). (((Hugs)))

kbedfox · November 2013

Wow, their insensitivity is astonishing. Are your ILs related to my ILs? Extra ((hugs)) for you girlfriend. I and all the other ladies on TB are here for you and understand what you're going through. Please lean on us for support!

Waliany2015 · November 2013

So sorry this happened!! Hugs to you
I also have crazy in-laws. Everyone just ignores the horrible things that come out of my mil's mouth because she takes a bunch of pills and doesn't know what she is saying. It's so disturbing! I just try to think of all my loving family and know I'm not alone.

Danielle0311 · November 2013

Waliany2015 said:
So sorry this happened!! Hugs to you
I also have crazy in-laws. Everyone just ignores the horrible things that come out of my mil's mouth because she takes a bunch of pills and doesn't know what she is saying. It's so disturbing! I just try to think of all my loving family and know I'm not alone.

Wow you know, it's crazy but that's what everyone has been saying to me about my MIL as well. She has severe anxiety which she is on alot of pills and I really do feel for her in that respect but how is it okay to say such hurtful things and then everyone just excuse her behavior because of her medication? I let it fly for a while but after this I'm just at my breaking point

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Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

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Really need some advice/support/opinions? (someone else's bfp is mentioned)

Re: Really need some advice/support/opinions? (someone else's bfp is mentioned)

Began trying for a baby January 2012BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

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Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014