My fault — The Bump
Late Term and Child Loss

My fault

I can't help but blame myself for everything that has happened. That it's my fault that Parker didn't make it and that he is no longer with us. I know that he will forever be our son but it doesn't make it any easier. The fact that my SO still does NOT know doesn't help things either. But I guess it's my fault too that he never answers his phone or responds to any of my messages. His family has ruined our relationship and he's bowing down to them and giving me the cold shoulder right now. But I know soon he will come to his senses and want to make things right. I just can't help but blame myself for everything. And also to be anger that he doesn't have to feel the pain that I go through every day just to get through the day and then to lay in bed and cry myself to sleep thinking about everything that has happened in the past months.

Thank you to all who made it this far in reading my post. I guess it's more of a vent than anything. I know that it eventually gets easier but how do I get to the point of not blaming myself anymore?

Re: My fault

  • Hugs to you sweetie!! I am so sorry that you are having to carry this, but know that it is not turn fault and you did all you were supposed to for Parker. I too have been dealing with being guilty but I know that nothing I did caused me to loose my EJ and Olivia. Hugs to you my love!!
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  • irons633 said:

    Hugs to you sweetie!! I am so sorry that you are having to carry this, but know that it is not turn fault and you did all you were supposed to for Parker. I too have been dealing with being guilty but I know that nothing I did caused me to loose my EJ and Olivia. Hugs to you my love!!

    Thank you! I think it's worse right now because the holidays are coming up and thinking that I'm suppose to be 32 weeks along but I'm not. Oh what I would do to still be able to carry my son and watch him grow up.
  • I wish I could hug you in person. Blaming yourself is very natural and I have done the same countless times too because I couldn't and still can't understand why a baby would die. Please know that it isn't your fault. Perhaps there is a local support group there by you that you could look into? When we first lost our daughter I found it to be especially helpful to connect with others in person who understood what I was going through.
    kz's_girlygirlmingaling2
  • I am so sorry that you are going through this time on your own.  I hope that you are able to talk with your SO soon, even if only to tell him what has happened.  *None* of this is your fault. 
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    TTC since 2008
    Dh:34, no issues.  Me:31, Endo, slightly hypothyroid, deformed ovary, paracentric inversion.
    4 Gonal-F, Cetrotide, HcG, Crinone +TI cycles= all BFN
    Lap in 2012 to remove large unresolving cyst discovered endo and double lobed ovary.
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    1st IVF w/ICSI- June '13 Antagonist: Gonal-F, Menopur, Ganirelix, HcG, Estradiol, Crinone= 7 retrieved, 4 mature, 1 unfertilized, 2 abnormally fertilized, 1 normally fertilized.  2DT of only embryo and our miracle BFP.
    Our beloved baby boy was born sleeping Oct. 13, 2013 due to pROM/IC/Uterine infection.
    2nd IVF w/ICSI- Feb. '14 EPP/lupron/antagonist: Estrace, lupron, HGH, Gonal-F, Menopur, HcG, PIO, lovenox, doxy/dex.=21 retrieved, 16 mature, 15 fertilized!!  5dt of 1 blast/ 6 frozen. BFP!  Beta 1 9dp5dt:83.9  Beta 2: 11dp5dt: 145.2  Beta 3  14dp5dt: 497  Please be our sticky rainbow baby!

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  • ***Siggy warning***


    I second the support group. Often the hospital will have resources, or a local church. Finding a community to be with is essential. No one should go through this on their own. A local group of other people going through the same thing is so helpful. 

    We all struggle with the mommy guilt. Its so very hard not to be holding our babies and reaching out for any answer as to why they are not. But please, do not let it eat you up. Big ((hugs))!



    Lilypie - (qptF)


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    "Elsie Irene was born sleeping at 35w 6d on December 8, 2012. Mommy and Daddy miss you sweet girl."


  • Thank you all for the encouragement! And it doesn't help either that my best friend's sister had her baby yesterday and my best friend kept going on and on about the baby. I know that she didn't mean anything by it but it was like pouring salt on an open wound
  • I'm so sorry you are going through this by yourself. Perhaps finding a loss group irl like pp have said? That could help. And do try to be gentle to yourself. I remember my MIL saying to me, that my twins had the best parents in the world, because we love them so fiercely and did everything we could to save them and keep them safe. Even though I struggle with the guilt, I remember what she said, and it makes me feel better. 

    Parker had the best mother in the world, because you love him, and did everything you could to keep him safe.

    All of our babies had the best mommies in the world!
    On 10/23/13 Baby Sophie and Baby Gabriel born at 21+5 weeks. They grew wings and flew away from us. May God bless them always. We love you beans!
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    Phoebe Jaslene born at 19w3d. We love you beba! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers



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  • rwkimmons said:

    Thank you all for the encouragement! And it doesn't help either that my best friend's sister had her baby yesterday and my best friend kept going on and on about the baby. I know that she didn't mean anything by it but it was like pouring salt on an open wound

    Hugs. Hearing about other babies is so hard. I have often told people that I am very happy for them but for right now I just can't talk about them. We can't possibility get those who haven't walked this journey to understand but they can hopefully respect our choices.
  • So very sorry that you are feeling that way. It could never be your fault! You didn't do anything wrong. You do not deserve what you are going through. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

    Brooke Elizabeth born Feb 17, 2013 grew wings May 9, 2013 @ 11 weeks & 4 days old from SIDS

     

     

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  • I am so sorry that you are dealing with this without the support of your SO, I hope you are able to get in touch with him soon. And as PP said, this is not at all your fault. It is completely normal to feel guilty and need someone to blame. I'm so sorry.
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    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • Ticker warning

    None of this is your fault, none of it.  But I think we can all relate to the feelings of guilt.  There was nothing wrong with my baby girl, absolutely nothing.  But my body couldn't keep her in, and it was too soon for her outside of me.  I know I didn't choose it, but when it's MY body that failed her, it's very hard not to feel guilty.  The guilt does subside some, but sometimes it comes back very strongly.  Big hugs to you. 

    I didn't read all of the responses so I don't know if someone else already linked it, but this article helps me a lot when I am feeling at my lowest. 

    http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/

    Thank you so much for posting this!! I'm going to have to print it out so I can have it close by when I need to be reminded of this!

    Thank you all for your encouragement and support!
  • irons633irons633
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    edited November 2013
    @rwkimmons I totally feel the same way! I can't help but to think that I would about 34 weeks along with my Olivia and planning the last minute things in her nursery and preparing for maternity leave. It's so hard when we want our babies so bad and all we have are memories. Hugs luv!!! Thank you! I think it's worse right now because the holidays are coming up and thinking that I'm suppose to be 32 weeks along but I'm not. Oh what I would do to still be able to carry my son and watch him grow up.
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    rwkimmons
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