Family picture

muckyduck208 · November 2013

I'm new to this board. I was around this site years ago but anyways...

My issue is that my boyfriend of 3 years and I have a house, we live full time with my 2 kids (DS 5, DD 3) they don't have a biological father in the picture and my boyfriend has assumed that roll. He has a daughter ( 11) from a previous relationship that lives with grandma . The other day I decided it would be cute to do a nice family picture of all 5 of us since we don't have any professions ones. My problem is that SD hates me, she STILL feels that I am taking her dad from her yet I'm constantly encouraging father/daughter time when she is around and for the 3 of us to do things after mine have gone to bed. And to make matters worse the grandma hates me too so she doesn't encourage SD to spend time with us... To make an even longer back story short. It's been about 3 months since I have seen her, he has seen her probably 5 times in that period on his own at grandma's. I really really want pictures done and I know SD doesn't. I just don't know what to do. Just me and my 2 I foresee upsetting my boyfriend. The 4 of us proves to SD that I'm stealing her father. But I can't hold my breath waiting for her to come around. I don't want to miss these moments with my kids.

Any picture input? I have discussed my concern with my boyfriend and he says he will keep trying to persuade his daughter into joining us... But We bought her a new bed the last time I saw her and she has yet to use it. I can't wait 3+ months to get pictures to give to my family for Christmas

Ilumine · November 2013

Well to be honest, to an 11 yo (and me too) it is not hard to assume that the only reason why she is not living with her father is you.

Because why else would she not be allowed to live with her dad all the while two non-biological not even step-children get to.

KTdidit · November 2013

Yes, why does she live with Grandma and not either parent?

CFjo2010 · November 2013

There's just so much wrong here.

twister22 · November 2013

KTdidit said:

Yes, why does she live with Grandma and not either parent?

This.

SueBear · November 2013

Why does this girl not live with her dad? If she always lived with grandma, that is a huge red flag about your boyfriend. Your problem here is not photographs!

If you do get photos, I would recommend doing different group shots - SD (I'll call her), each boy, the boys together, SD and the boys, SD and BF, You and boys, All five.........that way there is not a lot of pressure to be together.

coopsbaby · November 2013

And why does she not even have any visitation time with him at your home? Of course she feels replaced, she has been.

SimpleJane · November 2013

So he has no custody of this kid at all and just visits at grandmas, and he has taken over the dad role for your kids. Yeah, you and your kids HAVE replaced her. She doesn't get a family with her father and you and your kids do. If you want to make her feel included your BF needs to get his shit together and step up to actually parent his child. That probably means fixing whatever the problem is that caused him to lose rights in the first place. It takes quite a bit to get a judge to take away visits from a bio parent.

ambrvan · November 2013

Why do you want to iclude her in family pictures when she isn't included in the family?

Ordinarily I try not to be snarky and to be nice to the "new" people. But seriously, if you cannot re-read your OP and see what what it looks like, you have problems.

He has seen her five times in 3 months at the grandma's house? Yeah, if I were the girl or the grandma I would hate you, your BF, and resent your children. That is not saying that in general any of you are bad people in the street. But your BF has been a crappy father.

Lavender P · November 2013

Just get the pictures done with your two kids and your BF. Is that what you wanted to hear? You obviously want nothing to do with potential SD and neither does your boyfriend. You are worried about family pictures but don't even care about the fact that you haven't seen in her forever.

muckyduck208 · November 2013

It's long and complicated as to why she lives with grandma. And goes back to when the girl was 4.... There were issues with her living with her mom that has left her emotionally scarred and with some mental issues. Grandma has been the rock thru this whole thing as my boyfriend was in the army at the time and out on missions frequently which would have left SD alone in a home hours away from her grandma.... SD is also given choices as no custody has been set in stone because that's what grandma has learned thru councelling with SD... Would you like to go there OR something exciting here sort of thing.

The custody isnt the issue as that is something else entirely that has way more to do with my boyfriend stepping up to the plate.

muckyduck208 · November 2013

Edit: custody issue is NOT about my boyfriend stepping up to the plate when he is repeatedly shot down by grandma. He can't go over as he wishes nor will grandma let her on the phone.

SimpleJane · November 2013

So, there is no legal custody keeping him from having overnights now? So why isn't he pushing the issue? Why isn't he pushing for at least a legal visitation schedule with his child?

SimpleJane · November 2013

Muckyduck SN is also making me think MUD.

+just+j+ · November 2013

In most states grandparents have no legal rites. He is the father. The military situation is apparently no longer an issue? Then he should be fighting for his child. Or....maybe he should back entirely out. Either way his daughter is screwed up. My guess is she is better off without both parents. Let grandma raise her and spare her the off and on turmoil. Why am I being so mean? REAL parents will go to the ends of the earth for their kids and will be consistently in their child's life. Your boyfriend is FAILING his child. Big time. Your post is very telling so don't say we don't know your situation. It's obvious. To answer your question - get pictures of just you and your children. Leave the boyfriend out. He gets mad....Tough. Shit.

+just+j+ · November 2013

Edit: custody issue is NOT about my boyfriend stepping up to the plate when he is repeatedly shot down by grandma. He can't go over as he wishes nor will grandma let her on the phone.

Lame excuse. If she has legal custody, he should take her to court.

SimpleJane · November 2013

muckyduck208 said:
Edit: custody issue is NOT about my boyfriend stepping up to the plate when he is repeatedly shot down by grandma. He can't go over as he wishes nor will grandma let her on the phone.

He's the father. His rights trump gmas rights if there is no legal custody order. If there is a custody order then visitation should be spelled out. And he should be taking ALL the time he can.

Edit because it's not nice to call names.

muckyduck208 · November 2013

This is the "boyfriend":

For the record, I make the invitation for my daughter to join me in my home every day... Everyday... Custody is not an issue.. Taking it back to court is, cuz then, those that have been previously stripped of their custody will have full rights to fight for it again.

About my woman's question on pictures, we solved it, get two sets done.. My idea. I like how everybody on here is so quick to roast the next person.

My daughter chooses not to come because she is resilient in that she doesn't want to share me.. Believe me there have been times I have dragged her over here...

I see her slot more times then 5 in three months lol I work with my dad and help my mom on a regular basis..

Think twice about who you call a dead beat

CFjo2010 · November 2013

muckyduck208 said:

Think twice about who you call a dead beat

Well if the shoe fits...

The daughter was given to Gma when she was 4 and is now 11. So what the hell has her father done in the last 7 frigging years to try and get custody back? The only way that Gma has legal custody of the child is if the rights were taken away from the father. If the rights were taken away from the father then something seriously bad had to have happened. So again, what the hell has he been doing for the last 7 years?

Don't blame grandma in this. Yes, maybe she's putting up roadblocks but the child's father, your boyfriend, isn't in Court fighting. So yes, the daughter feels replaced because she clearly has been. And I think you have been kept in the dark about a lot of things and your boyfriend is only giving you half-truths regarding what happened to have his daughter taken away. You can make all the excuses you want, but there is something very, VERY wrong here.

+just+j+ · November 2013

Oh, my mind has not changed... You sound a little like my XH who also had lots of excuses for not seeing his children. They are all angry and screwed up adults. So good luck with that. Happy Holidays and happy picture taking to you and to your new family.

emme022 · November 2013

muckyduck208 said:
This is the "boyfriend":

For the record, I make the invitation for my daughter to join me in my home every day... Everyday... Custody is not an issue.. Taking it back to court is, cuz then, those that have been previously stripped of their custody will have full rights to fight for it again.

About my woman's question on pictures, we solved it, get two sets done.. My idea. I like how everybody on here is so quick to roast the next person.

My daughter chooses not to come because she is resilient in that she doesn't want to share me.. Believe me there have been times I have dragged her over here...

I see her slot more times then 5 in three months lol I work with my dad and help my mom on a regular basis..

Think twice about who you call a dead beat

So to be honest I had a lot of trouble getting past the fact that you referred to your significant other as "your woman". But I pretty much agree to everything Everyone else said. I would definitely feel replaced if my father had been raising someone else's kids, one it seems since around when she was born, for 3 years but hadnt made any effort to regain custody or set up any type of consistent schedule. All I see is a lot of excuses to be honest. I also wouldn't be comfortable being with or having children with someone who had mostly abandoned there other kid but maybe that's just me.

As far as the pictures I agree with what someone else said get the pictures taken of just mom and her 2 kids and you can give those to your family.

CFjo2010 · November 2013

muckyduck208 said:

This is the "boyfriend": For the record, I make the invitation for my daughter to join me in my home every day... Everyday... Custody is not an issue.. Taking it back to court is, cuz then, those that have been previously stripped of their custody will have full rights to fight for it again. About my woman's question on pictures, we solved it, get two sets done.. My idea. I like how everybody on here is so quick to roast the next person. My daughter chooses not to come because she is resilient in that she doesn't want to share me.. Believe me there have been times I have dragged her over here... I see her slot more times then 5 in three months lol I work with my dad and help my mom on a regular basis.. Think twice about who you call a dead beat

Wow. Just realized that the deadbeat dad was the one who posted this. So let me cater to you, sir.

*Ahem* You sir, are a deadbeat father. You lost custody of your child 7 effing years ago and yet "your woman" is here complaining that your child feels replaced. No effing shit, Sherlock. You left your daughter with her grandmother and didn't look back. Now you're playing house with a new woman and her children and suddenly *poof* you care about your long lost daughter and want to include her in photos. For whose benefit? Yours? Your girlfriend's? Your girlfriend's family so that she can pretend that you're not a total deadbeat? Congrats on buying your daughter a bed. That must really make it all better that you abandoned your kid. High five, sir.

muckyduck208 · November 2013

This is a pissing contest... All over a simply "i don't know what to do about family pictures" ... He GAVE his mom custody. Why? Because he was in the army at the time and that was not a place for a 4 year old, neither was with her crack whore of a mother who partied every night and let drunk strange men pass out in the hall. It was the BEST decision for his daughter to be in a STRUCTED environment with someone available to get her the care she needed. He just got out of the army 2 years ago and has made every non-legal attempt of changing the situation but for whatever reason the daughter has CHOSE to live with the grandma because she has been there thru the crap and the wonder what will happen to daddy in the army.

The issues she has with me is she doesn't know me to trust me and all she sees is her mother, that woman who let drunken strangers into the house to do god knows what to her. Left her starving or to make her own meals at 4.... If I were the daughter I wouldn't want to leave my grandmas side either.

+just+j+ · November 2013

One last little tip: if you really give one ounce of shit for your daughter...you won't breed until you regain custody of her and begin repairing that relationship. That would be a nice kick in the teeth. Honestly, knowing what I know from my own personal experience with my ex-step daughter, the damage of abandonment is already done. She will pretty much hate you and her mom the rest of her life. Can't say I blame her.

SueBear · November 2013

If the problem is with SDs trust issues, then you need to go to family counseling - SD, her dad, and you (if you are going to be a long term part of her life).

Your boyfriend needs to contact a lawyer and do what he needs to do to regain custody, at least partial time. Yes, grandparents who have raised a child for 7 years have rights, but fathers who were not around because they were serving in the military have rights, too. I would use my last dime to regain custody of my children if I lost it - it would be a much bigger priority than getting photos taken!

muckyduck208 · November 2013

Hi my names Ryan. There was never for an instant ANY kind of abandonment of my daughter. When her biological mother got into the shit, which is well document by child services, of which, I have shown my spouse, I suggested my mother have custody, for legal reasons.. Because I will be honest with ya, there was no telling whether I was gonna make it or not... I was a front line combat soldier.. Details aren't required or permitted. But I am home now.. And my dd doesn't wanna leave .. She's proud of her daddy for fighting for his country, and seeing her with every bit of leave he had... But now that I have a house and made her her own bedroom... I guess it's just to real for her. I can't go to court cuz ten crackhead will emerge from te darkness

muckyduck208 · November 2013

SueBear said:
If the problem is with SDs trust issues, then you need to go to family counseling - SD, her dad, and you (if you are going to be a long term part of her life).

Your boyfriend needs to contact a lawyer and do what he needs to do to regain custody, at least partial time. Yes, grandparents who have raised a child for 7 years have rights, but fathers who were not around because they were serving in the military have rights, too. I would use my last dime to regain custody of my children if I lost it - it would be a much bigger priority than getting photos taken!

Thank you. I know that there are bigger priorities then a family photo session but sometimes you need that little bit of encouragement to build the strength to continue fighting

+just+j+ · November 2013

So what if she does Ryan?? If she is a drughead, you can legally keep her protected from her. Get a good lawyer and a good family counselor. If you get visitation, then grandmother is in contempt and you have legal recourse. So file contempt. And you don't give a child of that age a choice. She goes to her fathers and she spends time with you and you start to re build that relationship. If you don't want custody then fight for more visitation. A judge will hand it to a good and willing father. You can't use your time at war as an excuse any more. You are home. So be a father, get all your butts to counseling and be there for your daughter. Because if you don't, I can tell you what your daughter will be like. It's not pretty. I have seen it first hand.

SimpleJane · November 2013

Wow.

+just+j+ · November 2013

I'm sorry, but this post bugs me to no end. So I'm going to share with you Ryan what you have to look forward to with your daughter. I'm going to ue my XH's children as example. He too had all kinds of reasons at to why he didn't fight for custody and why he did not see his kids. His primary reasons were: Kids belong with their mothers. He didn't want to tear his kids away from their mom. Their mom wouldn't let him see them. He couldn't afford a lawyer. He had this, that and another reason for every child. Here's how screwed up they are:

Son, 31 years old: Acts like he is 16. Dropped out of school his sophomore year. Is a drug addict and a felon. In repeated abusive, fucked up relationships. He's got a record five pages long and has told several people that he feels his dad owes him a life. Has a child out of wedlock. He goes from woman to woman, family member to family member and they take care of him. He has no life of his own.

Daughter 1, 28 years old: Drug addict. Child out of wedlock. Can't decide if she wants a relationship with her dad, XH. Is very much "poor me" and has repeated abusive, dysfunctional relationships with men/boyfriends. Drop out of college.

Daughter 2, 26: HATES XH with a passion. Won't speak to him. Divorced at 24. Had child out of wedlock. Drop out of college.

Daughter 3, 23: Listen to this one good. This is the one I helped raise from age 15. Has a love hate relationship with her father. I can't tell you how many times she's disowned him. Ran away countless times. Stole cars. Did drugs. Dated drug dealers. Lost her virginity at age 13 to a man in his 30's. Has had countless of sexual partners. Was in numerous abusive relationships. Child out of wedlock. admitted to getting pregant to trap her now husband who is verbally, possibly physically abusive. He is 11 years older than her. Dropped out of high school 3 times that I am aware of. Dropped out of college. Was hospitalized in a mental institution. Attempted Suicide. She is disturbingly jealous of my 3 year old daughter/her half sister. There is so much more, but I think that's enough don't you?

EVERY SINGLE ONE of these children has berated my XH for not being there for them and NOT TRYING. Every single one. They feel abandoned. Like I said, XH too said similar things to you. Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

Do you see a pattern?

And like your girlfriend...I foolishly believed his bullshit too and backed him. Poor XH. He was so screwed over by all their mothers and he is sooooooo mis-understood. I eventually saw thru it. I see very clearly now, which is why I'm busting your balls right now.

YOU DO NOT GIVE A 11 YEAR OLD CHILD A CHOICE. She is not old enough to make those choices. She is testing you to see how hard you are willing to fight for her. My 3 year old does that to XH now. My daughter will act like she doesn't want to talk to her dad on the phone and we try to get her to and she refuses. Even says, "I don't like daddy". So XH hangs up, dejected. You know what my daughter does the minute he hangs up? Cries. She really DOES want her daddy and I have to call him back. She is playing him. Just as your daughter is playing you to see just how much you really do love her. Only, you're letting her down.

Am I getting thru to you??

Your daughter feels abandoned by you. Regardless of what you think and the reasons you give for her having more structure at your mother's or whatever, the facts are, you have been home for 2 years now. It's time you step up. I get that you gave custody to you mom. That makes sense if you were off to war, and the mom was a crackhead. I get it, but now that you are home, you need to step up and get your daughter back. Screw the drug head mom. Get a fucking good lawyer and make sure he keeps her from getting custody. If there are CPS records and what not...doesn't sound like it will be too terribly hard. Your daughter wants YOU in her life. 100%. Not part time.

If the custody thing is too difficult, then you need to demand more visitation and you can legally fight for that and demand it. You can also hold the grandmother in contempt if she refuses what the court has ordered.

Is any of this sinking in at all? Don't tell me I don't know. I have four adult former step kids and a fucked up marriage that ended in divorce this past year. I fight like hell to keep my daughter in contact with her dad because I don't want my child to hurt like my former step kids. Or like your daughter. She is in pain. Shut the hell up with the excuses and fix it.

HisChamaoleGirl · November 2013

Ok can we please stop using the in the military and in combat excuse for not parenting a child. It's insulting. Any parent, no matter where or the situation, will make a continuous effort to be a part of their child's life. I understand the assigning guardianship to someone else as a single parent in the military while serving overseas, but you've been back for at least two years. Why haven't you decided to be a part of your child's life? Because she has a bond with a grandparent who was there through a hard time? Where were you ? And I don't mean physically bc you said you were deployed. You can still be there for someone from a distance. And I highly doubt you were deployed from age 4 to 9 (since you've been out for two years and she's 11). And before you whip out some sob story about how I wouldn't understand you can throw that excuse out the window. My husband and I both serve and I have a step son. There have been numerous times over the years where we have been on the other side of the world from my stepson. Does that mean we checked out as parents? Um no. Because we actually give a damn about him. Please decide to either be a part of this girls life and stop using her biological mother as an excuse or just leave her alone . Luke warm parenting isn't helping anyone.

Ilumine · November 2013

Oh honey....boo freakin hoo. The big bad army kept you from your child for 4 full years.

Sorry sweetie, but there are enough of us military members and wives on this board to call bull scheisse.

Hell, my husband was deployed for the first gulf war, when there wasn't an internet with Skype and he maintained a strong relationship with my SD. And he did a tour at the beginning of the Afghanistan and a year in Korea to boot.

Not only did maintain enough of a relationship with his kids, he also learned how to spell, use proper English and not look at the females in his life as chattel.

Nineoceans · November 2013

wendilea said:
You gave custody to grandma due to military service - completely understandable. But, as soon as that military service was over, you should have started the process of moving custody to you as her father. At 11, it doesn't matter what the child thinks she wants. Parents trump grandparents. Unless there is some reason you don't want DHS peeking in your closets, there is no reason that your daughter should still be with her grandmother. You need to FIGHT for your rights, or your daughter will (rightfully) see that you don't care enough about her to fight, and that this woman and her kids are now a family with you while she is not.

AndPlusAlso - you both need a dictionary or a thesaurus, maybe both. Don't use big words to try to sound intelligent when you have no idea what they mean. Case in point:

My daughter chooses not to come because she is resilient in that she
doesn't want to share me.. Believe me there have been times I have
dragged her over here...

Go look up the meaning of resilient. I have no idea what you were really trying to say.

Maybe he meant resistant?

Any who, you only have one relationship with your daughter. You can blame everyone else but it sounds like you're the only bio parent she has. Time to step up and go to court. 11 year olds don't get to decide what they want in that regard

Wahoo · November 2013

DH's dad gave DH's brother to grandma to raise because he couldn't afford to care for an infant and babysitters who would watch the other kids did not want to care for a baby. This was before court orders, etc.... and grandma refused to give BIL back. BIL grew up with grandma, like a cousin to dh instead of a brother.

DH excused his dad's behavior for years, but now realizes what an azz his dad was. Yes, there was the "grandma refused to let the brother live in that (stepmother's) house" - but truly it was FIL who did not fight for his own son.

It has taken dh years to build back a relationship with his brother, and BIL does not have any relationship with his dad. He recently got married and FIL was not even invited.

I am just giving you a look into your future.

xmaryrickx · November 2013

muckyduck208 said:
This is the "boyfriend":

For the record, I make the invitation for my daughter to join me in my home every day... Everyday... Custody is not an issue.. Taking it back to court is, cuz then, those that have been previously stripped of their custody will have full rights to fight for it again.

About my woman's question on pictures, we solved it, get two sets done.. My idea. I like how everybody on here is so quick to roast the next person.

My daughter chooses not to come because she is resilient in that she doesn't want to share me.. Believe me there have been times I have dragged her over here...

I see her slot more times then 5 in three months lol I work with my dad and help my mom on a regular basis..

Think twice about who you call a dead beat

Resilient-I don't think you know what that means.

You ARE HER FATHER. She should live with YOU. If this was a case of her being better off without you, then she would not be jealous of you starting a new family.

You are a pathetic excuse for a man. That poor girl has no father and no mother.

nurrieum · November 2013

muckyduck208 said:
This is the "boyfriend":

For the record, I make the invitation for my daughter to join me in my home every day... Everyday... Custody is not an issue.. Taking it back to court is, cuz then, those that have been previously stripped of their custody will have full rights to fight for it again.

About my woman's question on pictures, we solved it, get two sets done.. My idea. I like how everybody on here is so quick to roast the next person.

My daughter chooses not to come because she is resilient in that she doesn't want to share me.. Believe me there have been times I have dragged her over here...

I see her slot more times then 5 in three months lol I work with my dad and help my mom on a regular basis..

Think twice about who you call a dead beat

Resilient: "I do not think it means what you think it means." Princess bride.

To play devils advocate, I actually see what you're saying. It's wrong but I but I get it. See you think your daughter is a strong woman who says it's all or nothing, if I have to share my Dad, I want nothing. Well, see, she's 11. She's not 25. Regardless, you are her Dad, she's going to fight because she wants to be important enough for you to fight for her. Which, since you haven't shown her, wounds her doubly.

You wound your daughter, I've lived this buddy. I've been that kid, my sister was that kid and those wounds stay with you. It may not cause her adult failure but it will hamper her relationships until a therapist and enlightenment step in. You are causing detriment to your child. She's hurt and you're expecting her to act like an adult? Again, she's 11 remove your head from your ass.

Also, deployment and service didn't stop my husband. Bad excuse.

xmaryrickx · November 2013

Nurrieum is wise.

nurrieum · November 2013

xmaryrickx said:
Nurrieum is wise.

That's high praise, thank you.

+just+j+ · November 2013

Mmmhmmm. No response from Ryan. No surprise.

plus12012 · November 2013

So..... maybe MuckyDuck you and your SO's daughter could go shopping together, just the two of you and decide on the outfits for everyone to wear. Make her feel like she is at the center of you wanting a family pic. w/ everyone in it and not just on the edge and you are forcing her into it just because you feel you have to.

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