SAHM-->WM

VPGIRL06 · November 2013

Hi ladies,

i'm in a dilemma, and I kind of just need to vent. So, I quit work after I had DD because it didn't make financial sense for me to stay on. Daycare costs would have eaten up 80% of my income, and we really didn't "need" the 20% left over so we decided I would stay home. Now, they offered me a raise before I left and a full time lead position, but it still didn't work out to be enough (my husband and I discussed that daycare costs could only eat up about 50% of what I would bring in for it to be worth me working and not being home with my daughter. this is kind of arbitrary, since technically we don't need a second income) so I still left.

I've been home with DD for the past 8 months. at around 7 months, one of my old coworkers mentioned how swamped they were with various projects and I offered to help remotely until they got caught up-for about 10-15 hours a week (during naps basically). My old work jumped on it-gave me a raise and said I would just work until projects were completed. So, that's been nice though a little stressful. However, I just heard they are opening up a new position that is over double of what I was making before-and a lot of the team has recommended me for the position. it would be full time, and I would have to put her in daycare. I haven't called about the position yet, but the amount they are offering is enough to make me reconsider.

So now i'm at crossroads. I love my daughter and spending every day with her. I feel very lucky and I think it's really good for her. I know that "these years don't last" and she'll only be this young once. and jobs come and go. However....in this job market, with the amount of experience/education usually needed to obtain a good job it seems unwise to turn down that position. I mean, i know jobs come and go but anything I make could either go into an investment or into savings. And having a kid has really made me take a hard look at our finances, and what we will do if anything ever happens, her college , a good home for us, etc.....and in the long run, I have to consider that too. So I'm torn between what's in her best interest RIGHT NOW (in my mind, me staying home) or what's in the families best interest IN THE LONG RUN. Staying home WAS a sacrifice, but financially it wasn't a hit because I made so little. It was just a sacrifice on my part. Now this opportunity, it means a lot of money we could save as well as opening up more opportunities in the future.

My husband and I have discussed it..he's more hesitant but I think he thinks i'm just doing it because "I feel I have too" and he knows I like staying home with her. But...That's not just why. Im just thinking of our present and future, and what sacrifices I might need to make and looking at all sides. One side-I give up this opportunity and stay home with her, sharing her first memories with me, but also giving up on the chance to save a lot of money AND to have an opportunity to add a substantial job description to my resume for future job opportunities. One the other hand-I take the job, put her in day care, and we save up a nice chunk of money and start putting it into investments for her, for us and for our family. And if i need to leave for another kid, or if I need to look for another job, I have the chance of finding another decent paying job (I'm 25, and the only decent job I had was straight of college, then we moved and i had to take a lower level job at the place that now wants me back) for the future when we inevitably move back to our home state.

Thanks for reading this if you did.....it's just a lot to think about!

Thanks for the

jamu · November 2013

Well I think this is something you should probably go with your gut on... whatever your gut may be thinking. From a mom with a great job whose daughter is in daycare I can say that even though I am saving money for her, I would still quit in a second to stay home with her if I could. Also- when were you planning on going back? I think that would be a deciding factor too.

=Lee=B · November 2013

Could you afford a good nanny? Someone in your home to give your daughter one-on-one time, keep your baby in your home on her schedule etc. Would that help any?

It is a big decision but it sounds like you are doing a great job of thinking it through seriously...it's not just the money but the opportunities it can lead to over time. What is your gut saying, what will you be happiest with looking back 10, 20 years from now?

jannv11 · November 2013

With DS I went back to work after 3 months. With DD i've been home all along and plan to for at least a year. If I could go back with DS I would of stayed home longer. He was in daycare and always sick and to this day always is. I rushed through everyday and evening. Your right in these days go so fast and you don't get them back. Stay home

VPGIRL06 · November 2013

jamu said:

Well I think this is something you should probably go with your gut on... whatever your gut may be thinking. From a mom with a great job whose daughter is in daycare I can say that even though I am saving money for her, I would still quit in a second to stay home with her if I could. Also- when were you planning on going back? I think that would be a deciding factor too.

I had thought about getting a part time job as a personal trainer somewhere around a year for her. We didn't have a super concrete idea of when I would go back-he was always thinking sometime when the kids went back to school (like his mom did) BUT he wants to leave his job and move back home before then, which means there's no guarantee we could live off of one income if he got another job.

I do understand that a lot of women would love to stay home if they could-i do love staying home with her. But at the same time, I just can't lightly throw out the opportunity to save a lot of money in a short period of time, especially if it means we can start saving for investments in the future (especially with how uncertain the job market is). I have to weight saving thousands of dollars vs staying home with her, along with the guilt of putting her in daycare when I really don't have to vs possibly throwing away the chance for some financial stability and safety should s**t really hit the fan in the future.

VPGIRL06 · November 2013

=Lee=B said:

Could you afford a good nanny? Someone in your home to give your daughter one-on-one time, keep your baby in your home on her schedule etc. Would that help any?
It is a big decision but it sounds like you are doing a great job of thinking it through seriously...it's not just the money but the opportunities it can lead to over time. What is your gut saying, what will you be happiest with looking back 10, 20 years from now?

We probably could, but it would be more than daycare. I don't think the schedule will be hard, she naps 2x a day and takes bottles at the same time every day so it should be fairly easy for a daycare to follow. The only adjustment will be napping in a room full of other babies that are probably being loud/full of light when she normally naps in her quiet, dark room.

My gut is confused. I think in the long run, we're going to be appreciative of having a little extra money, and I think having the chance to put something on my resume so I'm not constantly starting at low paying jobs will be great, but I do think part of me will be sad about not being with her. my husband told me "you'll never regret staying home with her" , which isn't true. I might if it means we struggle financially because he can't get a job that pays as well and i'm burning the mid night oil because i can't find a well paying ,8-5 job....

spring_time · November 2013

As the pp said, you have to go with your gut. Someone once told me once to flip a coin, the side you want more is what your gut is really telling you. You don't actually go with what the coin says, but with what your gut tells you during the flip. I am not sure if it works if you know that you are doing it, though.

I had a similar situation when I was home with DS and an awesome opportunity came up. I knew I was returning to work in a couple of months, and this would have brought me back sooner. It would have brought me back to a more stable job with better pay in a nice school district. I couldn't do it, I turned it down. It made me sick to do so, and I know others thought I was crazy. I have never once regretted it. I have also had several opportunities come up in the time since. Opportunities come and go, there will always be another.

However, I also agree with you when you say there is the opportunity for regret. The people who say "you will never regret it" were lucky because they did not have the worst happen, or they have a higher tolerance for sacrifice. One woman told me she never regretted staying home, even during the months she was homeless. I am pretty sure I would have had issues with that, but she is the bohemian sort and probably enjoyed the freedom. Others have said they never regretted it, but they live in a 7000 square foot house on only their husband's salary. I don't think I would have much regret at that point either.

I think you do have to think about the future. Do you want to pay for your children's college education? Are you able to save for it at this point? If you want to pay for your children, and you haven't been able to save, that is a consideration. Do you want to retire at retirement age? Or are you ok working for a few years longer? If you aren't able to save for retirement, then that is a consideration. Do you want to take your kids on nice family trips, buy them a car, pay for weddings, purchase a home, etc? These are all things that will also affect their entire lives. What kind of life do you want for your family apart from these few years at home?

Nobody can really tell you what to do. I have been a WM and a SAHM. There are benefits and drawbacks to both. FWIW, my DS loved daycare and still asks about his daycare provider and his friends. He misses them while staying home with me, unfortunately the daycare closed so we can't got back and visit. I am also of the firm belief that working or SAH is really not about the benefit of the children, they will thrive either way, it is about what works for the entire family. My family life and the goals we have currently align with SAH, if that changes I will go back to work.

emmy236 · November 2013

Hi- (new to this board because DS is just turning 6 months)1 but if your company loves you so much maybe you can work out working some days from home? You sound like you're in a similar position as me (I'm in project management) and I work 4 out of 5 days from home. I have my mom here now to help during the day but if she wasn't, I was just going to get a mothers helper type of person. Right when I got back from maternity leave there was a position opened in my company in a different department that was a dream job for me but it was 5 days in the office and zero flexibility. Even though it was what I wanted to do and had more pay (and an extra week of vacation) I had to say no because I knew deep down I couldn't be away from my baby that much. My arrangement is great now. I'm up with him all morning until a few minutes before my first conference call. I can take breaks to feed him, eat lunch, etc. it just is best for our family.

Crequito · November 2013

I'm a WM, DD is 7.5 months. I went back part-time at 2 months then full-time at 3 months. DH and I are lucky enough to have our mothers as our free daycare right now. If we had to put DD in daycare we couldn't afford it even with our 2 salaries so I would probably stay home. We're looking at doing DC part-time starting next summer so DD can be around kids her age more and hopefully it's financially possible. DH works for the govt and if he was a grade or 2 higher then I would only work PT to spend more time with DD. I feel like I miss so much and Monday through Friday I only get about 2 hours a day with DD. You have to do what you think is right for you and your family.

ebp913 · November 2013

spring_time said:

Nobody can really tell you what to do. I have been a WM and a SAHM. There are benefits and drawbacks to both. FWIW, my DS loved daycare and still asks about his daycare provider and his friends. He misses them while staying home with me, unfortunately the daycare closed so we can't got back and visit. I am also of the firm belief that working or SAH is really not about the benefit of the children, they will thrive either way, it is about what works for the entire family. My family life and the goals we have currently align with SAH, if that changes I will go back to work.

Completely agree with this. Your child is going to be fine either way. Whatever works for everyone. I work and I choose to. The extra income I make allows up to afford a lifestyle that we enjoy immensely. We travel a ton and can afford nice dinners out and date nights and fun family trips. Not to mention saving more for the kids futures. I enjoy having adult time each day. I enjoy taking a break from my role as a mom. This doesn't make me a bad mom, in fact I feel it makes me a better mom. I savor the weeknights and weekends. You do what you need to do. I hate this phrase but I do believe that it's really quite true - happy wife (mom), happy life.

VPGIRL06 · November 2013

I really appreciate everyones feedback! Still not sure, they aren't really even doing anything with the opportunity until it "comes into the open" tomorrow during a meeting-so I don't even know if our VP thinks i'm right for this position or if I'm "counting my chickens"/

That being said...I think I would return, if the opportunity is there and the job isn't asking for more than 40-45 hours a week in the office. I'll miss my daughter, and I love her very much, but I really don't enjoy "Taking care of the house", and even though we are OK financially, we really could save so much if I went back. In fact, I even think it would not only make our lives easier, but be a better balance for my husband and I-he's often "bored" at home, and I think its because a lot of his spare time before was taking care of half the housework (I worked, went to school, etc before we moved out here).

But, it might not even happen, in which case, i'l lbe happy to spend the time with my daughter!

jamu · November 2013

If you guys definitely want to make that move back, and haven't saved yet, then I can totally see what you mean. If you think you'll always wonder if you should have, maybe try it for a few months and see what you think. Most childcare is month to month, so it's not like you'd have to commit to it necessarily. If it doesn't turn out to be something you want, I'm sure they'd understand.

JSS1002 · November 2013

Go for it! If you hate working, you can quit. :-)
I think daycare is good for kids and good for moms.

kgs0505 · November 2013

I'd probably take it, but then again, I like working. As much as I'd like to see more of my kids, I like the adult interaction and using my brain to solve complicated problems. Not that I'm saying SAHMs don't have these things, but it's different. Plus if you see a working future for yourself, large gaps in employment history aren't great when your competing with other candidates. They aren't a show stopper, and definitely women I think get more leeway than men in this, but you are much more employable when you already have a job than if you don't. Not sure why that is exactly, but it's pretty common. If they are going to pay more and you get some really great experience that aligns with your career path, if it was me, I'd have a really hard time turning it down. Your child will be fine either way.

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