Can you vent IRL without getting advice?

melody921 · November 2013

I'm seriously starting to lose my mind with some of my family, especially my mom. It seems that it is absolutely impossible to tell her anything that involves a problem or dilemma without her jumping in to offer advice or tell me my choice is wrong. I can't discuss this with DH bc it will be a giant "I told you so."

There have been so many instances of this, but the most blatant parenting version of this happened when DS was a baby and we were having feeding issues, he wasn't gaining weight, I was struggling to nurse him and my mom was insisting I switch him to formula. I have a vivid memory of driving home from daycare and my mom yelling at me on the phone that he was never going to be able to sit up, crawl, etc. if he didn't get proper nutrition. Thanks for the guilt trip, mom.

Now, the latest argument revolves around kindergarten. Our district only has half-day (a separate rage-inducing issue), and our daycare doesn't bus to our elementary school. So even though it's close to 2 years until DS starts K, we need to start looking at our choices bc we know other people who have been on long private school waiting lists. Right now, DH and I think the best option is going to be to petition the school district to allow us to use daycare as home base rather than our house. That way, both kids would get dropped off and picked up together, and DS would get bused to and from the nearby public elementary school for the 2.5 hours of kindergarten. Then for 1st grade, he could move back to our actual public elementary school, where they would have a before- and after-school program. Well, my mom heard this plan and said she "feels bad for DS if he's not going to school with his neighborhood friends." But then her solution was to send him to Catholic school for K. How the hell is that putting him with neighborhood kids?

WTF, mom. It's one year, and he'll be with daycare friends. Some families move a lot and kids are always changing schools. I was so (perhaps, irrationally) pissed. Then she got mad and told me that I can't tell her about an issue that's worrying me that I'm trying to work through and expect she won't have some feedback. Is it too much to ask that the feedback be positive? Or not something that tells me I'm ruining my kid's childhood? If you made it this far, I offer you this treat:

melody921 · November 2013

IndigoVader said:

Yuck. I am sorry, it is frustrating and well, pretty shitty to be told how to parent your child- or that you aren't doing it right. Most times, I think our parents think they still need to parent us and forget they have done their job and need to let us do ours. Do you ever tell her how you feel? I mean, not when you are angry, but when you are calm and moved past the moment to where you can say, "Mom, I love you, but you need to stop doing X,Y,Z because it hurts, frustrates me, and makes me feel like you are judging my parenting" ?

I told her yesterday (although I wasn't calmed down when I said it), that just because I bring something up, doesn't mean I'm looking for a solution. She doesn't see what she's doing. Her words were, "I never told you what to do." And my point was, maybe not, but by telling me that the choice I'm making for my child is not ideal, that's insulting and makes me feel like I'm doing a poor job as a mom. It's hard enough that I juggle work and daycare and have to make choices that aren't always easy, and this just feels like a pile on.

It's not really related, but it's the same feeling I get when she repeats something my grandmother told her that's offensive or critical about my parenting. Why would you tell me that grandma thinks I shouldn't work outside the home bc daycare is the devil? What good does that accomplish? Unless you're expressing your own opinion, STFU. I feel like it needlessly stirs the pot.

Unknown · November 2013

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AKB090609 · November 2013

I don't vent to people irl, they don't seem to understand that I don't need them to fix shit I just want the universe to hear about it.

Nita2603 · November 2013

I can vent to my ILs. They are good about just listening and then maybe ask 'you want to hear our take on it'.

I get your problem, though. My mother is like that.

MommaP12 · November 2013

@melody921 our moms must be sisters.

I am so sorry your school is making things difficult for you guys first of all and think its good you're trying to get ahead if it.

I regret any time I tell my mom anything important or vent to her. She always makes me pay for it somehow. I wish she could just once say "I'm really sorry honey" but she just can't and has to make me feel bad or stress me out more. See the "annoyed" thread from yesterday. Hugs

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