S/o holidays, how do you decide who to spend them with?

jf198400 · November 2013

Just curious how other people split time between families. Both of our families are local so we do Christmas Eve with my family, Christmas morning at home, and Christmas dinner at my ILs. We alternate thanksgiving every year. I'd like to eventually host both parents for thanksgiving when we move to a larger house.

kristennd · November 2013

We have to get on a plane to see either family. Plus DH has to work either Thanksgiving or Christmas every year. So it's pretty complicated.

Also, his family can and does buy the plane tickets any time we want to visit but my family cannot. So that's sensitive.

Frankly we don't have a system yet. This year we're just staying home for both. Not least because LO is at that too-awkward stage of still needing to sit in the carseat to fly peacefully but tall enough to kick the seat in front of him. I'm 42 years old and this will be the first Christmas in my life I don't spend with my mother. I'm mellow about that but she'll be sad. No drama though.

In general, DH's family prefers to gather for Thanksgiving and mine prefers to gather for Christmas, so we'll focus on that. Although now that there is a grandchild and the whole gifts thing, MIL is wavering on her position...

djm31012 · November 2013

we do thanksgiving with my ILs and Christmas Eve/day with my family. My family is local but Dhs is abt 2 hrs away. it will probably change at some point but for now thats how it is. I want my kids to wake up in their own house Christmas morning so that will never change.

mhickey426 · November 2013

Thanksgiving we usually alternate. Christmas eve we now host and Christmas day we go to my Bil's house. We use to bounce around a lot more but now with the baby we decided to host and then spend it with our nieces. My parents are divorced and remarried so it really was a mess going all over the place. Having them all come to us makes life so much easier

jlaOK · November 2013

BIL just got married last year so what we've been doing is changing slightly but we usually do my family stuff on the Thanksgiving and Christmas afternoon/evening and DH's family on a different day. BIL has a son from a previous relationship and it's easier for him to get his son on days that aren't the actual holiday.

DH and I want to have a tradition of spending Christmas Eve (mass) and Christmas morning with our kids, luckily both families work around this request.

*sparky* · November 2013

My family lives locally and DH's family is 7 hours away. DS is the IL's only grandchild. Before he was born we alternated Thanksgiving and Christmas between my family vs. his. So one year we would stay here for Thanksgiving and travel to the IL's for Christmas and the next year we would do the opposite. Once DS was born, IL's wanted to see him for every holiday so it turned into them coming here for the holiday we were spending at home and they would stay up to 5 days. Then we would visit them for the other holiday. Finally last year I got DH to see that this resulted in us spending all of OUR time off over BOTH holidays with his family. Whether we are here or there that is simply too much and we never had our own family time.

So this year they are staying home for Thanksgiving and then coming here for Christmas. Christmas will be spent with both of our families together. They get along well, so this is fine. I am PG and unable to travel per my OB, so I kind of used this to get my way.

thedash · November 2013

My IL's live nearby and my family is a 6 hour drive away. Our current system is to alternate Thanksgivings and on the years we do it here we go see my parents the next day for the weekend.

Christmas is a disaster though. Christmas Eve is my least favorite day of the year and I dread it for months because of this. DH's family has a huge celebration on Xmas Eve starting around 5 or 6 pm but they don't open gifts until midnight. So it usually goes until about 2 am. Yes, that's an 8 hour party. I almost passed out the year I was super pregnant. And now they give me SO MUCH shit for not trying to keep my kids awake until the end. I refuse to do it and have put DS to bed in a spare bedroom each year but of course he is still up way later than he should be with all the excitement and noise. Then we get in the car (with our dogs and all our stuff) at some time between 2 am and the next day for the 6 hour drive to my parents so that we can spend some part of Christmas Day with them. It is pure torture.

DH and I rehash it every few months and just cannot come to any other agreement. I want to just alternate years like we do with Thanksgiving. He says he'll do whatever it takes (driving all night) to not miss out on that celebration with his family every year and it would be resolved if my parents would just come to us, which they can't/won't do. This is seriously the biggest impasse in our marriage, which I guess is not so bad really.

*sparky* · November 2013

Oh my @thedash - that does sound like pure torture. I am so sorry you guys have not been able to work something else out.

thedash · November 2013

*sparky* said:

Oh my @thedash - that does sound like pure torture. I am so sorry you guys have not been able to work something else out.

Thanks! It's feels good to rant about it but really it's just one day a year that we can't come to an agreement about. And since my parents literally never travel to visit us I do see DH's point. Last year one of his cousins was grumbling a lot about having to stay until midnight because he was making a 2 hour drive to his IL's afterwards. Hopefully as more people in our generational level in the family marry we can change the tradition a bit!

DaisyJanie · November 2013

My parents are too far away to see on Thanksgiving, so we always spent that with the ILs. For Christmas we alternate whose family we see on the day of xmas, but we have managed to always see them both over the Christmas break (DH & I both work for colleges, so we always are able to take a pretty long time off around Christmas. This year we finally have a house big enough to host our families so we are managing to stay home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas! Woohoo!

jf198400 · November 2013

thedash said:
My IL's live nearby and my family is a 6 hour drive away. Our current system is to alternate Thanksgivings and on the years we do it here we go see my parents the next day for the weekend.

Christmas is a disaster though. Christmas Eve is my least favorite day of the year and I dread it for months because of this. DH's family has a huge celebration on Xmas Eve starting around 5 or 6 pm but they don't open gifts until midnight. So it usually goes until about 2 am. Yes, that's an 8 hour party. I almost passed out the year I was super pregnant. And now they give me SO MUCH shit for not trying to keep my kids awake until the end. I refuse to do it and have put DS to bed in a spare bedroom each year but of course he is still up way later than he should be with all the excitement and noise. Then we get in the car (with our dogs and all our stuff) at some time between 2 am and the next day for the 6 hour drive to my parents so that we can spend some part of Christmas Day with them. It is pure torture.

DH and I rehash it every few months and just cannot come to any other agreement. I want to just alternate years like we do with Thanksgiving. He says he'll do whatever it takes (driving all night) to not miss out on that celebration with his family every year and it would be resolved if my parents would just come to us, which they can't/won't do. This is seriously the biggest impasse in our marriage, which I guess is not so bad really.

This sounds terrible. You are essentially spending every holiday traveling, I would put my foot down and stay home. Don't you want your DS to spend Christmas morning in his own house?

SoMoNY · November 2013

I absolutely refuse to be anywhere but home on xmas morning while kids are young so we host xmas eve dinner.

An aunt used to host Xmas day dinner but has recently given us so now some folks come back to our place Xmas afternoon to much on leftovers, watch football and watch DS open their gifts.

Thanksgiving isn't a big holiday for us so I don't mind going to SILs (2.5 hour way) because I add a fun activity to the trip. This year I'm adding Polar Express train trip and hotel with pool to the mix :-)

LoCarb · November 2013

Both sides of the family live a plane trip away. We used to travel prior to starting a family. Now that we have kids, it's not worth the hassle and carrying or mailing gifts. Therefore, the kids and I stay home each holiday. No one visits and that's fine by me...no stress!

mae0111 · November 2013

My family lives locally and DH's is all far away. We spend Thanksgiving with my family every year because the ride to his folks' house is horrendous. The traffic is unimaginable, and turns a 5 hour ride into an 8-10 hour ride every year. I've told him every year that I'd be glad to go, but we're leaving at the crack of dawn Tuesday to head out, and leaving Friday to come home. He doesn't want to take the extra vacation day, so we always spend it with my family.

Christmas, we tend to switch off years. Christmas eve is usually with my family, or we stay home. Christmas day we either drive to his brother's 1.5 hrs away, or go to my sister's or my parents'. This year is the first year that we have a home that could accommodate everyone, so we're hosting. Last year we were supposed to go to my sister's, but DD1 came down with the flu on Christmas eve. Not the stomach bug, but influenza. It was awful. So I told DH to go see his family, and I stayed home with DD.

Our rule, though, is that the kids wake up at home on Christmas morning. We both agree on that.

kristennd · November 2013

I really don't care about where we wake up on Christmas morning. As long as LO has a stocking, it will work.

But when we flew to the ILs for Christmas last year, we weren't able to put up the tree. Because we have cats. And most of the cards people sent didn't arrive until we'd left. So the lead up just didn't feel as festive.

SLGILL1978 · November 2013

The closest relative for us is my father. He lives about 2 hours away. We see him pretty frequently so holidays to him aren't a big deal. We go to my mother's for Thanksgiving every year. It that side of the family's holiday. Before baby we used to stay home for Christmas and spend it with my dad and step mom but since we have baby now, we will be visiting his mother over the Christmas holiday. So two long trips within 3 weeks. Luckily I work for the school district and I have all the same breaks that the kids have off so it makes visiting family a lot easier.

DTNZ4Ever · November 2013

Ugh holiday planning drives me crazy. Mainly because DH's family never has a plan. I put my foot down with Christmas last year. So Christmas Eve will always be with my mom's side of the family. My cousin and I have pushed for my Dad's side to have Christmas on a totally different day so it may be New Years Day or the weekend between the holidays so that has worked. Then with my ILs I told them we are available on Christmas day (we are all local so we do Xmas morning at home with DS). Christmas Day could be both my MIL or FIL sides or just my MIL and FIL its different every year. Also if both sides of the IL family can't get it together then we may have to get together another day (I am hoping that since DH's cousin is getting married next year that helps settle my FIL's side) also I think once DH's grandmother passes away it will become less complicated.

As for Thanksgiving we either start our day at DH's grandmother's house for dinner then head to my parents for dessert. If DH's aunt does not feel like cooking then my ILs end up at my parent's house for thanksgiving which is how it worked this year.

Acutally Christmas worked out this year since my family, my parents and sister and BIL are all travelling to AZ for Christmas it made the holiday planning so smooth. We will be celebrating with the ILs before the trip and then in AZ with my family.

rubber_chicken · November 2013

Before we had DD, we would switch on and off - one year my family would get Thanksgiving and DH's family would get Christmas, the next year it'd be switched.

Since DD, we spend Thanksgiving with my parents (4 hours away). We see ILs during the day on Christmas Eve or St Stephen's Day (the day after). But Christmas Day is just for us - no travel, no cooking (Chinese takeout!) and no clothes, we stay in our pajamas and VEG OUT. It is the best thing ever.

Oh, and every New Year's Day we go to MIL's to eat soup. It's a cultural thing, and the only day in the year I step foot into that woman's house.

thedash · November 2013

jf198400 said:

My IL's live nearby and my family is a 6 hour drive away. Our current system is to alternate Thanksgivings and on the years we do it here we go see my parents the next day for the weekend.

Christmas is a disaster though. Christmas Eve is my least favorite day of the year and I dread it for months because of this. DH's family has a huge celebration on Xmas Eve starting around 5 or 6 pm but they don't open gifts until midnight. So it usually goes until about 2 am. Yes, that's an 8 hour party. I almost passed out the year I was super pregnant. And now they give me SO MUCH shit for not trying to keep my kids awake until the end. I refuse to do it and have put DS to bed in a spare bedroom each year but of course he is still up way later than he should be with all the excitement and noise. Then we get in the car (with our dogs and all our stuff) at some time between 2 am and the next day for the 6 hour drive to my parents so that we can spend some part of Christmas Day with them. It is pure torture.

DH and I rehash it every few months and just cannot come to any other agreement. I want to just alternate years like we do with Thanksgiving. He says he'll do whatever it takes (driving all night) to not miss out on that celebration with his family every year and it would be resolved if my parents would just come to us, which they can't/won't do. This is seriously the biggest impasse in our marriage, which I guess is not so bad really.
This sounds terrible. You are essentially spending every holiday traveling, I would put my foot down and stay home. Don't you want your DS to spend Christmas morning in his own house?

That would be nice but then we either won't get to see my family or at least not until the day after. If they would travel to us it really would solve everything which is why I don't blame DH for the situation. It's annoying but not entirely his fault that things are this way. My parents have physical and mental health problems and simply do not come to visit us. It sucks but that's just how it is.

rubber_chicken · November 2013

Oh, and I should add - I grew up in a different country from all my grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. I have never once spent Thanksgiving or Christmas with my extended family. So the idea of spending a day in the car or on a plane in 30 degree weather so you can spend one day out of 365 with your relatives is just plain bizarre to me. Extended family visits are for summer vacation

daisy662 · November 2013

Growing up we always had big parties for all the holidays and I loved it. Lots of traditions and family. Now, for many reasons that has changed and my family is really small. DH's family is also small. This has allowed us the ability to combine holidays and just have them all together which makes it really easy. Every year we just talk about what we want to do. We usually rotate houses based on whoever feels like hosting. We are all pretty flexible and so it works for us.

jobiann · November 2013

We are lucky and do Christmas Eve with my IL's, Christmas morning at home with DH and DS and Christmas at my Mom's from Noon to 5ish. We all live in the same town, so it's very convenient! We usually do DH's mother's family The Sunday before and my Mom's family Christmas the Sunday after. It gets a little complicated when Eve or Christmas fall on an actual Sunday, then there is some switching around of the extended family gatherings.

financialdiva · November 2013

We are so lucky that holidays are not an issue here. All extended family lives out of state so thankfully we don't have that extra layer of complication.

Thanksgiving is combined at my house. It's the middle point for the family, plus my house is biggest, plus my Inlaws (now only SIL and niece) come so it's just a great compromise.

Thank goodness DH family made a big deal about Christmas Eve, and mine Christmas Day. So we spend Christmas Eve at my house, with SIL and niece, opening presents with Chinese takeout(that's their thing!)

Christmas afternoon is at my moms.

I realize I am pretty lucky. I know this is a sore spot with a lot of couples!

sugarbear0524 · November 2013

MIL & FIL live in our neighborhood. DH's nieces/nephews and their spouses and kids all live in the same area of the same city as we do. We all go to church together. We see each other A LOT. My family is 3 hours away.

This year, we are staying in town for Thanksgiving with DH's family. We are supposed to leave the next morning and see my family. DH seems to be wavering since "we are spending Christmas with your family". Yes, dear, but we see your family on an almost daily basis. We will be there all day on Thanksgiving and all day on Dec. 1 for your birthday.

I haven't seen my sister and nieces/nephews since July. We need to go spend 24 hours with them. Plus, we haven't been to my parents' house for Christmas in 3 years. And we've only been married for 5.

Mustardseed2007 · November 2013

With my family, before any of us kids got married my mom would host Thanksgiving and my Aunt would host Christmas.

Now I host thanksgiving for our family and DH's family is also invited and usually attend.

A cousin hosts for my family on Christmas evening so we go to that, and then we spend Christmas Eve with Dh's family.

amywoods824 · November 2013

DH is Jewish so we never really have to worry about Chrsitmas. My in-laws are out of state, but we generally try to see them at some point during the holidays (we usually go to them because MIL visits us several times throughout the year).

My parents are divorced though so usually we see my dad on Christmas Eve and spend Christmas Day with my mom and step-dad, rotating between their house and my siblings. They all live in the same town and we're about an hour away, so it's easy for us to just go for the day.

CaliforniaDream87 · November 2013

Both families are local here as well. We do all festivities at my parents house and my IL's drive down (they live an hour away) to join us. My IL's don't have any holiday traditions (so sad) so they love joining in and spending time with the whole family. It's great and works for us.

2-Step · November 2013

This is always hard for us. We have three families because DHs parents are remarried. We end up celebrating three Thanksgivings and Three Christmases every year in addition to our own Christmas morning. It gets overwhelming. Each family wants their own special time with a big dinner and presents, because we have the only grandkids, and they get intensely spoiled rotten.

This is the first year MIL is living out of state, so that means DHs brother will fly in and stay with us for 10 days (he used to stay with MIL) and MIL just announced she will be staying with us for Christmas too, with her new husband. Did I mention our only guest room is my office and I work from home. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'll take any advice I can get on how to simplify all of this without pissing everyone off. I've tried to set boundaries, but it always ends up hurting people's feelings.

ss+el · November 2013

My parents are five minutes away, his are 3 1/2 hours, so we always see mine ON holidays and visit his on whatever weekend I have off closest to Christmas.

emberlee3 · November 2013

We don't have a system. We do what makes sense each year based on my work schedule. We try to be fair and so far nobody has thrown a fit over how it has worked out.

kristennd · November 2013

I'll take any advice I can get on how to simplify all of this without pissing everyone off. I've tried to set boundaries, but it always ends up hurting people's feelings.

It's always going to hurt people's feelings in the short term. Although really it's just inconvenience. But they do get over it.

sdlaura · November 2013

All of our family is a really long flight away. We stay home (San Diego) and tell them that they can come to us, and we are happy to host as many people as want to fly 3,000 miles at the holidays to see us. So far, usually no more than one small family or set of grandparents has decided to come at one time, so they have been able to stay with us.

For Thanksgiving this year, my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew are coming. Then my parents are coming for Christmas. DH's parents are coming to visit in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

kanga1622Wed220857 · November 2013

Thanksgiving is a toss up and depends on what our siblings are doing and how much we want to drive.

Christmas Day is spent in our home. Usually MIL and her husband stop by at some point. We visit FIL at some point in the two weeks surrounding Christmas. My dad we sometimes visit for the holidays and sometimes not. Occasionally he visits his sister for the holidays. We do always see my dad in July though.

laurakaz13 · November 2013

We live many states away from all family. We do not fly for Thanksgiving and usually spend it with good friends. This year we rented a lakeside cabin with our best friends.

Christmas we go back to CT and split the time between both our parent's houses. We are lucky in that Christmas Eve is bigger for my parents and Christmas Day for DH's. However, starting next year we will not travel for Christmas as DD will be old enough to understand Christmas finally.

CarrieB. · November 2013

We do all holidays with my family and my MIL also attends. This is the first year we are not going to Thanksgiving at my parents, but it is usually such a big thing and I just don't feel like dealing with it all and driving 2 hours with a 3 week old infant.

Christmas Eve is usually at my Grandma's but since DH is very allergic to her dogs, we don't go. I just stop by for a drink after dinner. Christmas morning is at my parents and MIL joins us for brunch. I like waking up at my parents' house on Christmas morning, because they have a bigger house and a real fireplace and it seems more festive. I'm assuming this will change as our kids get older.

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