What to do next? Co-Irker...

orchid2007 · November 2013

Background: I have been with my current company a year and a half. In general I like my job and company. I work in a very small office where they build and manufacture machinery. The administrative side of the office consists of me and 5 other people, that's it. I do the accounts payable and I work closely with the gal who does receivables and other duties as well. We are owed by a Canadian parent company and I report directly to the CFO who works in our Canadian home office, so I see him about 2x a year.

My co-worker in receivables whom I work very closely with has a history of belittling me and generally being a little rough around the edges when it comes to dealing with her. She and I have had conversations on a few occasions where I have had to let her know that the way she acts towards me makes me feel horrible and those conversations usually end well and her behavior improves for a short period of time, then she goes right back to her old ways. Most recently, I have taken the attitude of "kill her with kindness" and made and extremely conscious effort to be positive and friendly to her, and take an interest in her work and offer to help when I can tell she is busy regardless of how she treats me... Only to have her basically spit in my face yet again... Most recently on Friday she ripped my head off for asking a simple question acting as if I was stupid for even asking. I walked away from the incident silent but extremely hurt and didn't talk to her the rest of the day. She could tell I was upset and late in the afternoon she said she was sorry. I accepted her apology and told her that I was thankful she apologized because I was very hurt by what she said. I guess she was shocked that I didn't say "oh its okay!" with a smile and act like nothing happened because since then the tension between us has been so thick it's unbearable and resulted in me having a mild anxiety attack yesterday morning.

I want to talk to her but on the other side, I feel there is no point because any change that comes from the conversation will only be temporary. What should I do? Again, it is a very small office and I work very closely with her. Since we have talked about it several time before and things have not improved, should I take this up the chain of command and talk to our boss about it (our boss is the CFO and works in our Canadian parent company office) I know this behavior is not just isolated to me either. Another person in the office has told me that everyone in my position in the past has had the same experiences with her, and he also has been a victim of her bad attitude and often dreads having to talk to her about anything... So obviously this is something she has been getting away with for a while, and she needs to know it is not okay. But I am afraid talking to our boss will make it worse or do nothing at all. I also don't want to be labeled as a taddle-tail or overly sensitive. This has to STOP! What would you do?

FemShep · November 2013

What exactly is she doing and how is it impacting your work performance?

If she's just being rude and snarky, well, you need to deal with it. Some people are jerks, and going to your boss about having to work with a jerk just makes you seem immature and unable to resolve basic conflicts on your own.

On the other hand, if she's being verbally abusive, withholding information you need to perform your job, or putting the company at risk (by, for example, creating a hostile work environment), you should be documenting every occurrence and then speak to your boss and HR with detailed accounts of what she's doing and how it's impacting the business.

Is there a site manager who makes sure things are going smoothly at your location? S/he is also someone who should be involved. But before you move forward, make sure that the complaint truly is impacting the business and not a case of snarky bitchiness.

orchid2007 · November 2013

Thank you. When I take the emotion out of it, and think about it the way you described. It is more of a snarky-bitchy issue. Perhaps I should just let this one blow over and just stay positive. After all, if I am nothing but nice to her I know I am doing the right thing. Thanksgiving is almost here, maybe a long weekend and time to relax will help both of us feel better.

VOR · November 2013

Hmmmm....

Well, I think what you did yesterday was a start. Clearly talking to her or "killing her w/ kindness" doesn't work. So - yes, one way to "get through" is make it clear when her behavior isn't o.k.

But - I think you need to buck up a little. Instead of getting hurt and not talking to her, the next time she goes off on you, look at her directly and SAY "Speaking to me that way is uncalled for.". Or "How about you come speak to me when you're in a better mood?". THEN walk away (not walk "off" in a huff, but just a "I've said what I have to say, now I'm leaving" way).

If she was shocked to not be told "Oh- it's o.k.", it might also shock her if you stand up to her. It doesn't have to be a fight or a confrontation. Just a simple statement of "that's uncalled for/ come speak to me when you're in a better mood.".

I don't know the history with her, but I would imagine that a part of why she continues to act like this is that no one ever calls her out on it. "Talking" to her isn't calling her out. IN the moment, not accepting her attitude is calling her out. Putting HER on the spot.

Again- you don't have to stick around for a fight.

As far as going to your boss.... honestly, other than having a "bad attitude", WHAT exactly is she doing? how is affecting you/ your productivity? Not that you shouldn't talk to your boss, but you need to really think about how you frame the issue. Outside of "she's not nice to me".

orchid2007 · November 2013

VOR said:

Hmmmm....

Well, I think what you did yesterday was a start. Clearly talking to her or "killing her w/ kindness" doesn't work. So - yes, one way to "get through" is make it clear when her behavior isn't o.k.

But - I think you need to buck up a little. Instead of getting hurt and not talking to her, the next time she goes off on you, look at her directly and SAY "Speaking to me that way is uncalled for.". Or "How about you come speak to me when you're in a better mood?". THEN walk away (not walk "off" in a huff, but just a "I've said what I have to say, now I'm leaving" way).

If she was shocked to not be told "Oh- it's o.k.", it might also shock her if you stand up to her. It doesn't have to be a fight or a confrontation. Just a simple statement of "that's uncalled for/ come speak to me when you're in a better mood.".

I don't know the history with her, but I would imagine that a part of why she continues to act like this is that no one ever calls her out on it. "Talking" to her isn't calling her out. IN the moment, not accepting her attitude is calling her out. Putting HER on the spot.

Again- you don't have to stick around for a fight.

As far as going to your boss.... honestly, other than having a "bad attitude", WHAT exactly is she doing? how is affecting you/ your productivity? Not that you shouldn't talk to your boss, but you need to really think about how you frame the issue. Outside of "she's not nice to me".

This is helpful advice. After reading other responses, I will forego talking to our boss since this is not something that is hurting the company. I am going to just let this pass and if it happens again confront her like you mentioned. The incidents are just her having a bad attitude and taking it out on me. I think if I just confront her in the moment it will be better than letting it build up and then having a longer conversation later where the past just gets dug up. Thanks!

VOR · November 2013

To be clear - I'm not saying never talk to your boss. BUT - just put some thought into how to frame it.

AND what I would actually start doing - document. When she's rude, keep track of when it happened, what you were asking her, and what her response was.

If you do eventually go to your boss, being able to show a pattern of behavior could be really beneficial.

Virgo17 · November 2013

I would just try to limit my interaction with her. You've talked to her, it got better, and then went downhill again. To be honest, it all sounds like petty drama. I would just focus on what I need to do.

orchid2007 · November 2013

K3am said:

FWIW, I'm a firm believer that you don't have to like your co-workers. It's great if you get along and enjoy working together, but if that's not working out, your only obligation is to be cordial and maintain a working relationship. You don't have to be nice. Which at first feels awkward, but once you give up the notion of trying or expecting anything from her, it might lighten your load a bit.

This is how I see it too, and have even considered bringing this fact to her attention by just telling her "I don't need you to like be or be my friend, but we do work closely and you do at least need to be cordial, polite, and respectful to me, anything other than that is unacceptable."

I am going to do what another response advised and just start bringing it to her attention in the moment so she is aware of when she is mistreating me (and document them) and if things don't not improve or get worse, I will go to my boss. No one deserves to be mistreated for no reason and I will NOT be looking for a new job anytime soon because other than her bad attitude, I love my job, the location, the hours, the benefits, everything. So the good outweighs the bad, I just need to make it clear that this is not something I will let her get away with anymore.

aglenn · November 2013

I worked for a boss who had a tendency to fly off the handle and routinely make people cry. The situation was different because he was our boss and also the owner of the (small) company, but similar in that there was really no one to go to about the situation. I actually developed a really good relationship with him in the end because I would refuse to engage in it and would just calmly say, "We can talk about this when you are ready to calm down. Let me know," and walk away (or hang up if via phone). He actually grew to appreciate being called out on his behavior and would apologize later which was unheard of from him in general. I think the direct approach is best.

cecilyandgautam · November 2013

I think you should keep your interactions with her short & sweet. No need to pretend you're interested in her life when you're not. Ask for what you need and leave at that. If she starts to rant and go off on some tangent, you have a few options: (1) ignore when you're able - I think this is the best option and should be your go to (2) walk away and/or put down the phone so you don't have to hear her tirade (3) cut her off with a "It's a shame you're upset. We can get revisit the task when you're feeling better" then walk away or hang up. Hopefully you'd only have to do this once for her to get the point.

jbatch · November 2013

I run a daycare so we have issues like this semi regularly. If someone comes to me with something like this I say they need to handle it as long as it is not really something that is affecting the business.. If it starts to affect the attitude of the workplace in general I may step in at some point..

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