I need a mans advice — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

I need a mans advice

I'm a new mom with a six week old baby boy and I'm hitting some major problems in my relationship. DH and I had a huge blowout this afternoon because for the third time since I became pregnant (a pregnancy he was excited for) he has been caught having inappropriate conversations with other women from his past. I try really hard to give him the benefit of the doubt each time he blows it, but a little part of me still feels like he needs to be monitored - enter Me, snooping through his phone. Each time I snoop, I find a new girl. I'm not going to apologize for snooping when I never fail to find something - he could look through my devices at any time and never see conversations that were inappropriate. Anyway, this guy always acts like there isn't anything wrong with our relationship. But now he is complaining that since we've had our son, I am unappreciative of him, I never flirt or show affection - I generally seem unhappy. It sort of sounded like he was using these reasons as justification for entertaining women outside our relationship. I am hurt. Disgusted. Furious. The list of emotions could go on and on, but at the end, what is really feel is exhausted. Exhausted from trying to explain what respectful behavior is, tired of being a stay at home mom to a colicky baby, and I'm tired of feeling like I can't trust him. I also don't think it's fair that he's identified postpartum depression in my moods and instead of trying to help and support me, he uses it as an excuse for why he acted like d-bag... Tonight he moved all of his things into the guest room at my request. So I'm wondering...how do we get past this? I love him but I am really worried that this won't get better after all the damage that's been done. Any tips for dealing with this, or with him, greatly appreciated.

Re: I need a mans advice

  • Really he just sounds like a douche. You guys need to have a frank conversation that doesn't devolve into attacks.  Maybe counseling.
    polooo26 said:

    I can't comment on the phone stuff because I would need some examples. However, I don't talk to other women other than my wife as a rule of thumb. Nothing good can come from that. Everyone is different in this regard though.

    This is a little extreme...

    image
    LuckyDad
  • This is gonna be a little blunt...but you asked, so here goes.

    You do not trust him and that will probably not change. He probably will not change (the way you want him to). This man's advice is to accept this relationship will forever be a struggle or replace it. The question is if this relationship is with it to you. From there you can decide on an appropriate action. Good luck and best wishes.
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  • polooo26 said:
    Prime said:
    Really he just sounds like a douche. You guys need to have a frank conversation that doesn't devolve into attacks.  Maybe counseling.
    polooo26 said:

    I can't comment on the phone stuff because I would need some examples. However, I don't talk to other women other than my wife as a rule of thumb. Nothing good can come from that. Everyone is different in this regard though.

    This is a little extreme...
    Not really, I didn't have any close friends that were girls before I met my wife.
    You know what's awesome? Having female friends who you don't want to sleep with. It's pretty freaking liberating, and can give you a different perspective on life.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
    Wulfgar
  • ladyjenna13ladyjenna13 member
    edited November 2013

    One of my dearest friends is a chick.  Since freshman year of high school she has been in my life.  My wife has met her, and we do things as families from time to time.  I love seeing my friend be a mother and wife.  She has grown into a wonderful person.  Likewise, my wife has a good male friend from college who is also married with a kid, and they stay here during the holiday's or any other time they come to town. We also have good fun with them.

    I also have ex-girlfriends as friends of FB.  I see their lives from afar, and rarely comment on their posts.  There is only one ex in my life that I am not allowed to "interact" with.  I am cool with that, she is a bitch anyway.

    Number one, he is an idiot.  He knows you snoop, and he does nothing to hide his "activities", whatever they may be.  His ego is so out of control he thinks he can do what he does right in front of you. Checking that behavior, or removing yourself from it, are the two choices you have.

    All the other stuff sounds like a control freak clown who is trying to be slick while being married.  Moving into the guest room, really?  Only a child responds to life in such a way.  He really needs to grow up.

    How old is he?  

    image

  • And you are six weeks removed from giving birth.  Tell him to take care of himself and to quit sweating you.  Isn't there already enough that you guys need to do with a little baby around and all?? 

    image

    LuckyDad
  • He has already violated your trust to the point where you quite simply feel the need to check on him by looking through his phone... major red flag.  He's been caught once, and still leaves it on his phone, knowing that he'll likely be caught again...red flag #2, or he is a complete idiot. 

    It sounds like he had a different idea of what the pregnancy and everything would be like and when real life hit him, he is trying to go back to a "simpler" time by flirting and having inappropriate contact with women from his past.

    I do not know the content of the inappropriate contact, so I can't delve into that... but if you've told him you found it inappropriate and he does it again anyways, just with a different girl, then you really have to wonder if he respects you at all in the first place, and possibly if that is the male role model you really want him around when he gets older, as far as him being in the house... custody could be a whole other issue on how much contact he'd want/get.
  • I agree with what the other people say.  Since you two are married, it can get very messy if you decide to split.

    That being said, when you were dating your husband, you didn't notice some of these traits?

    I would see if he is willing to sit down and have a rational discussion with you.  If this doesn't work or he has already done things worse then talking you might want to separate since this doesn't seem too healthy.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • It is not too hard if you realize that the woman you are hanging with is a good friend but that is all she can be for what ever reason.  I have a few female friends like this.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • The answer to that is yes.  I have a female friend at work that games with me during lunch.  One of my other female friends I met at school with her husband.  We have been hanging out for over a decade now.

    It helps with me that my wife and I dated for 9 years and had a child before we got married last year.  My wife also knows that I am one of those that is brutally honest and can't lie to get out of even a speeding ticket.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


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    LuckyDadfutant462
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