Vent: SIL

jf198400 · November 2013

I don't have a sister of my own but have 3 SIL, one lives close by, the others live out of state. I would like to be closer friends with her. I just started a new job literally across the street from her. I asked her if she would like to go out to lunch sometime, she basically said that she never takes lunch breaks (she's supposed to but she goes in late everyday instead). It's annoying me b/c I feel like she can't even make a minuscule amount of effort to be friends. She is not married, no kids, and has a 10min commute, and can't find time to have lunch with me one time. Considering my 10min commute takes 40mins since I have to take 2 kids to and from DC myself, it just kinda pisses me off. No real point to this post, just needed to vent.

MamaAllison · November 2013

Eh - I'd find someone who actually wants to spend time with me. You made the effort, so now it's on her. Maybe you'll grow closer once she has kids?

82Sonia · November 2013

I blow off my SIL because I don't enjoy spending time with her. I hope that's not the case with you guys but like PP said, you made an effort, she's not available. Have lunch with someone who wants to have lunch with you.

Nechie122 · November 2013

I'm sorry your SIL isn't interested in making time for lunch with you. I'd be hurt too. But I agree with PPs that you can't force these things. I don't know if there's a large age difference (and/or she's very young), but maybe this is something that will come with time.

Peanutz21 · November 2013

::lurking::

i think it's ok. i heavily dislike my SIL but my situation is different bc she is a full blown psychopath. at least you can say you tried and kudos for that.

Samiantha101 · November 2013

Maybe she genuinely has a reason why she does not take a lunch that you're not aware of. People don't have to have children and husbands to be busy, you know.

groovygrl · November 2013

My first thought (not knowing you at all obviously) is whether you have anything in common to talk about- if you tend to lean toward talking about your kids, etc all the time, she may not enjoy that much. If you have other things in common that you could talk about over lunch, maybe it would be more likely? But you tried, it stinks that she can't even try it once...

jf198400 · November 2013

Samiantha101 said:
Maybe she genuinely has a reason why she does not take a lunch that you're not aware of. People don't have to have children and husbands to be busy, you know.

I realize that every single person is busy. However (Disclaimer: flame-worthy statement ahead) there is a big difference between being busy with things you WANT to do- hobbies, exercise, social life- and things you HAVE to do- take care of children and run a household.

I can't ask her to do something in the evening instead b/c I am mostly on my own with the kids during the week (my DH works long hours).

As far as I know she doesn't dislike me, I think she just isn't that interested in being friends outside of family events. It just hurts my feelings.

RondackHiker · November 2013

jf198400 said:

Samiantha101 said:
Maybe she genuinely has a reason why she does not take a lunch that you're not aware of. People don't have to have children and husbands to be busy, you know.
I realize that every single person is busy. However (Disclaimer: flame-worthy statement ahead) there is a big difference between being busy with things you WANT to do- hobbies, exercise, social life- and things you HAVE to do- take care of children and run a household.

I can't ask her to do something in the evening instead b/c I am mostly on my own with the kids during the week (my DH works long hours).

As far as I know she doesn't dislike me, I think she just isn't that interested in being friends outside of family events. It just hurts my feelings.

Maybe she sees her hobbies and exercise and social life as things she has to do. Maybe she likes to honor commitments she's made or maybe she places a high value on exercise and sees that as much more of a need than a lunch date.

This post comes across as REALLY condescending. "What can SHE have to do? She isn't married and doesn't have kids. Her activities and commitments are just WANTS and shouldn't be as important as what YOU want (lunch) or as important as your needs."

If you come across even half as condescending in real life, I don't blame her for not wanting to have lunch with you.

LoCarb · November 2013

Ask to do HH. That may be more appealing to her lifestyle.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

Yeeahhhhh. You come across as quite condescending and if that comes across at all IRL, I have an idea of why she may be too "busy" to do lunch with you.

Remember- you married her brother. Not her. Whatever the reasons, she may just not be interested in being friends. There's nothing wrong with that. She really doesn't owe you anything.

thedash · November 2013

I would also be hurt if my SIL said she would never be available for lunch and didn't suggest an alternative. I mean, even the busiest person can say "That probably won't work but we should definitely get together some other time!"

RondackHiker · November 2013

thedash said:
I would also be hurt if my SIL said she would never be available for lunch and didn't suggest an alternative. I mean, even the busiest person can say "That probably won't work but we should definitely get together some other time!"

I'd be hurt if my SIL considered my life and activities unimportant... Or, at least, nowhere near as important as HER life and activities and so expected me to rearrange things to suit her.

jf198400 · November 2013

Sorry I didn't mean to come across as condescending. I like her very much, I do not look down upon her as having a "frivolous lifestyle." I just meant that it's really hard for working moms to get out and have any kind of social life (as evidenced by the posts on this board every day). So I am reaching out and making an effort to be friends, and it hurts that she can't make an effort too. And I'm sorry but there's a difference between being committed to going to the gym after work everyday as opposed to being committed to picking your kids up from daycare by 6. It's different, it just is, anyone who says otherwise is full of it.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

It might be different, but it sure as he'll isn't YOUR place to judge her priorities in HER life. Yes, you can miss going to the gym. You can't miss picking your kids up. But for many people - even parents - working out and keeping in shape is a huge priority. It might be a want vs a need, but that actually doesn't make it less important.

Also - if you really wanted, you could hire a sitter in order to go out at night.

ccam · November 2013

Is it different, yes, but that doesn't make what she does any less than what you do. From what I gather, you two aren't very close so really you have no idea what she might have going on. Maybe a compromise would be better than just assuming she should be available during her lunch break. Getting a babysitter and having a night out might be a nice break for you too.

thedash · November 2013

RondackHiker said:

thedash said:
I would also be hurt if my SIL said she would never be available for lunch and didn't suggest an alternative. I mean, even the busiest person can say "That probably won't work but we should definitely get together some other time!"
I'd be hurt if my SIL considered my life and activities unimportant... Or, at least, nowhere near as important as HER life and activities and so expected me to rearrange things to suit her.

Meh. Everybody is just speculating that the OP has been condescending in interactions with her SIL outside of this one post, which she admitted was a vent. And we have also completely fabricated a SIL with a deep commitment to her daily fitness routine and other pressing social events! Maybe SIL sits on her couch and eats Cheetos every night.

OP didn't ask the SIL to rearrange anything. She proposed a time to hang out and SIL shot her down without suggesting an alternative. Seems like a valid vent to strangers on an internet forum to me.

Nechie122 · November 2013

I agree that OP should try to be more accommodating of her SIL's schedule and try to find a time that works for both of them, especially since she's the one trying to pursue a closer relationship.

But I get the feeling the SIL might be making excuses too. Saying you can never, EVER take lunch because you'd prefer to come in late is like saying you can never, EVER do happy hour because you have kids. Schedules can usually be arranged for something we really want to do.

They're both being stubborn.

SunAndRain · November 2013

You have every right to feel hurt by her rejection BUT she doesn't have to hang out with you just because you are SILs.

You need to accept the boundaries of your relationship with her and move on.

laurakaz13 · November 2013

I don't think OP was being condescending. I just think SIL may not be interested in going to lunch. I would propose something else like coffee in a few weeks. Or like PP said, get a sitter and see if she wants to go for drinks one night.

Note: Working out is not a want for me. It's a necessity. :-)

skibunny59 · November 2013

SunAndRain said:

You have every right to feel hurt by her rejection BUT she doesn't have to hang out with you just because you are SILs.

You need to accept the boundaries of your relationship with her and move on.

This. I also have no sisters and 3 SIL. Honestly, I love them dearly but no I really don't want to hang out with them as "friends". I have friends. (sorry if that sounds mean.) We get together a lot with the family and I do enjoy spending time with them. Every once in awhile if my cousin and I are hanging out, I will invite the one SIL that lives close to me (my brother's wife). And I do have a good time with her the rare times that we have done this. But I also have my own life and my own friends. The other two SIL (DH's sisters) live far so I don't see them that much. Honestly, I think my brother's wife feels the same way as me because she never asks me to hang out just as friends so I think she's happy with our relationship as it is.

VOR · November 2013

thedash said:

I would also be hurt if my SIL said she would never be available for lunch and didn't suggest an alternative. I mean, even the busiest person can say "That probably won't work but we should definitely get together some other time!"
I'd be hurt if my SIL considered my life and activities unimportant... Or, at least, nowhere near as important as HER life and activities and so expected me to rearrange things to suit her.
Meh. Everybody is just speculating that the OP has been condescending in interactions with her SIL outside of this one post, which she admitted was a vent. And we have also completely fabricated a SIL with a deep commitment to her daily fitness routine and other pressing social events! Maybe SIL sits on her couch and eats Cheetos every night. OP didn't ask the SIL to rearrange anything. She proposed a time to hang out and SIL shot her down without suggesting an alternative. Seems like a valid vent to strangers on an internet forum to me.

Yes, but - the OP, IN the OP, is the one who compared how busy her life is because she has kids and she doesn't see why SIL - who has a short commute and no kids - can't make an effort. Basically saying that because SIL doesn't have kids, she must not be busy. WE didn't bring that up. OP did. If she hadn't said that and just left it at "I wish she'd make an effort", the responses would probably be very different.

AND the OP is the one who brought up the gym. Yes, we may be reading into that somewhat, but yet - we aren't the ones making these comparisons. The OP is.

djm31012 · November 2013

Bottom line...shes not interested. Stinks...but it happens. I never take a lunch and can never take a lunch. I am a trader and work stock market hrs and the mkt doesnt shut down mid day. So someone can ask me to lunch every day and i will never be able to go. Since DH works late, I think inviting her over for dinner would be a fun idea...even if its after the kids go to bed (altho if it were me I would jump at the chance to see my nieces and nephews).

daisy662 · November 2013

Sorry OP. I would be hurt also.

Virgo17 · November 2013

I get that your feelings are hurt, but if she doesn't seem interested in spending time together then I would just move on. Be happy if you have a cordial relationship and enjoy each other's company at family gatherings. That is more than a lot of people have.

Also, I understand the frustration in her acting so "busy". It really is all relative though. Before I had kids, I thought I was busy, but had no idea how busy I could actually be. And she might just be throwing up excuses to avoid getting together. You reached out and didn't get a favorable response, so I would leave the ball in her court.

*sparky* · November 2013

I agree with @thedash. It would be nice if she had at least said "I can't do lunch but maybe we can do xyz instead". But maybe she is not all that interested in just hanging out with you and really that is okay.

Assuming you will see her sometime over the holidays I would just casually suggest Christmas shopping after work or HH, or having her over for dinner one night as others wrote. If you want her to make time for you, figure out a way you can make time for her, one day after work. It doesn't have to be a weekly thing.

When you ask her to do something else you can get a feel for whether it's really her inability to take a lunch that led her to say no, or if she generally is not interested in hanging out. Your lives will change over time and things may change between you, so if she is not into hanging out now it doesn't mean you'll never have a relationship. So I would not be too pushy about it but don't give up trying either.

sugarbear0524 · November 2013

jf198400 said:

However (Disclaimer: flame-worthy statement ahead) there is a big difference between being busy with things you WANT to do- hobbies, exercise, social life- and things you HAVE to do- take care of children and run a household. I can't ask her to do something in the evening instead b/c I am mostly on my own with the kids during the week (my DH works long hours). As far as I know she doesn't dislike me, I think she just isn't that interested in being friends outside of family events. It just hurts my feelings.

When I was single (until age 37), I ran a household--a household of 2 (myself and a cat). I still had bills to pay, errands, groceries to buy, etc. Don't assume that she doesn't run a household. She does--it just doesn't look like yours. Since I've been on both sides of the coin (single woman with a career and no kids and working mom) I can tell you that there are joys and challenges on both sides.

ss265 · November 2013

I get the impression (solely from reading your post) that she just may not want to be friends with you. Could be that she has her own friends and doesn't feel the need to be friends with her SIL.

I have two SIL, one who is 9 years older then me and one who is a year younger than me. We hang out with the younger SIL socially and she attended my bachelorette party etc. but I wouldn't consider her as a friend.

For what it's worth, she worked next door to my workplace for 4 years and we never got lunch and that was ok. She is family and I see her at family events and occasionally we all hang out as couples. She has her own friends and I have mine and I don't feel the need to be friends with her. She is close to her other sister and I just don't think she feels the need to be friends with me. It's not personal at all and I don't take it that way. We get along fine at family functions.

I think you have tried your best and the ball is in her court. If you feel the need to make more friends, I would join some sort of group that you are interested in, volunteer etc. You would also consider play dates with other Moms you might know.

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