Need to Vent about DH - sorry

ap142193 · November 2013

My DH hates thinking about insurance and savings. When he spends money he thinks only of what he wants and how quickly he can get it. In fact, I pay all the bills because he wouldnt do it just because it never seems that important to him ( we evenly split the cost of our joint bills, but I actually pay them- he makes twice as much as I do though)

We bought our first house together before we were married because we had custody of his nephew and I had a small house prior to that purchase. Now we have two mortgages (both in my name), his car loan, and his student loans ($70000!), and 2 large credit card bills. We are just barely in the green each month although we do eat well and enjoy a date night aprox once a week.

We both want kids and he is almost desperate about it. Today I had to yell at him and tell him that I didnt care what he wanted, we are going to get short term disability insurance on him. I reminded him that he is no longer single and that he has both of us to think about, as well as our future children. He quieted down after I reminded him of the fact that he has to think about our family as a whole and not just himself.

He really struggles to think about us over himself. He doesnt do it intentionally and he wants to do the right thing, but he has trouble remembering that life is different now.

UGH. .....

This whole post sounds really negative. I love my DH and he loves me. We both are smart and well educated. We both have good jobs. We both want a family. We both love our families. We want (mostly) the same things out of life. I just get so frustrated that he doesnt like to look at the big pictures. For him its all about the moment.

Sigh. End rant.

Daisylola11 · November 2013

Sorry your feeling so frustrated! It looks like your doing the right thing in preparing, some guys just need that extra push from us ladies to see the big picture

we're the shit! Lol

My DH is also wanting a family and we are in saving mode and looking to buy a house, but I can tell he sometimes wants to spend money sporadically just cuz he feels he can (I think he just is realizing this won't be so likely once we do have a little one) hang in there and best of luck!!!

ap142193 · November 2013

@jconno no, he is one of 5 siblings.

sparklesandcream · November 2013

You pay half the bills, but he makes twice as much?

ap142193 · November 2013

I think we need a single account and each get an "allowance" for gifts, lunches, etc. So far he refuses, but Im still trying.

Right now we both pay the same amount into a joint account for bills based on our budget and then the remainder of our salaries stays in our own separate accounts. Of course, I only have enough left for gas. He has extra since he makes twice as much as I do. He is responsible for paying his own car and student loan payments, but sometimes I wonder if he is actually paying on his student loan (I know he pays is truck payment).

This month I bought myself 2 outfits (at an outlet store) and some hand lotion. This month he bought his mother a new dryer and himself 2 guns, and a bedcover for his truck.

samantha1477 · November 2013

Im glad you have a pic of him or I would have been worried my SO was leading a double life... he is the same way! Just because we can PAY for things he thinks we can AFFORD them. Not the same in my book. It's hard though because we do have a healthy savings account, and no debt, but I think we could be saving more. We are still working on finding a happy medium between my saving and his spending mentality.

sparklesandcream · November 2013

ap142193 said:
I think we need a single account and each get an "allowance" for gifts, lunches, etc. So far he refuses, but Im still trying.

Right now we both pay the same amount into a joint account for bills based on our budget and then the remainder of our salaries stays in our own separate accounts. Of course, I only have enough left for gas. He has extra since he makes twice as much as I do. He is responsible for paying his own car and student loan payments, but sometimes I wonder if he is actually paying on his student loan (I know he pays is truck payment).

This month I bought myself 2 outfits (at an outlet store) and some hand lotion. This month he bought his mother a new dryer and himself 2 guns, and a bedcover for his truck.

I would not be ok with this. It's extremely selfish. Will you be paying for all baby expenses? Have you discussed that at all?

Sicheyanne · November 2013

ap142193 said:

@jconno no, he is one of 5 siblings.

This might be it as well, though. If he's used to having to share so much and not getting a lot of what he wanted when he was little, he may want to experience it now.

I'm sure he'll get better about it though.

Good Luck with everything!

theholmanherd · November 2013

My DH and I fought about money a lot (mostly a pissing contest, but also about who pays what and stuff) before we started the Dave Ramsey program. I honestly recommend it because we are out of debt and have 6 months worth of expenses saved plus a little extra and we have a nice nest egg set aside for a house someday. Prior to that, we were over $50,000 in debt. You have to be on the same page with money. Seriously, it will change your whole relationship. I highly recommend it. If he won't do it with you or refuses to recognize that it's joint money (not his and hers), you have bigger problems than just a few bills or dollars spent here and there. You have to have a budget.

And this also goes for the girl whose DH refuses to have a joint account and doesn't share funds with you. He's being extremely selfish and his behavior warrants therapy if it's been more than a couple months like this. His behavior is only going to get worse if you don't put your foot down and the longer you don't say anything, the harder it will be to change later on.

HouseSpouse · November 2013

Maybe you should share an account so he thinks of it more as the family money instead of what he can spend vs. what you can spend? I personally would go crazy not sharing an account with my DH. I keep a handle on all of the bills and he always asks me before he buys anything (I don't always ask him first, though... my bad!). He can be so forgetful and I think he would lapse in paying bills, otherwise. Maybe it's a guy thing?

You could create a simple budget spreadsheet in Excel (that's what I do) and that way you both have a visual of what comes in and what goes out. Allow yourselves a certain amount of "blow" money (dinner out, guns, etc) each month after all of the bills are paid and the rest goes into savings. It works for us.

Valancyy · November 2013

I know to each his or her own, but I never understood why a married couple would keep their money separate. I feel like once you're married you're a unit.

We do have fun money, but it's a small amount each month for each of us.

I agree with the PP who said to put the budget on a spreadsheet and both sit down together to discuss spending, saving, future goals. Once it's all out there in black and white it's easy to see where all the money is going and how it impacts what you each want for the future.

There are also some books I've heard referenced before, I think one of them is called "Smart Couples Finish Rich". If your H is agreeable maybe read through a book like that together? I've never actually read one of these books, but I've heard them recommended before.

jlynn62511 · November 2013

We have one account and I pay the bills. It is all set up online and he knows how to log on if he needs to. Before we got married, we set a "spending limit". If we want to buy something over $100 than we need to discuss it before actually spending the money.

This helps us communicate about our finances and also budget whether we can afford the item at that time. Plus there is no surprises on the credit card bill.

Maybe you guys should set your own limit?

dogperson11 · November 2013

Sounds like you need a good sit down chat. Maybe with a counselor ( no offense intended - totally serious). It would make me feel like crap if my husband was spending hundreds on himself or his vehicle accessories each month and I only had gas money. Resent would build FAST. My husband was pretty bad with money and it was REALLY hard early in our marriage because I'm a big saver and he's a spender. I know what you mean about feeling crappy when he's trying to be generous. It took a while to figure out a system that works for us, but I'm so glad we did. We chose a dollar amount that neither of us will spend without consulting the other (unless we're buying gas or groceries). My husband is a full time student now and I'm our only income. We have to be strict with a budget to make everything work (including savings and extra student loan payments).

obxlaurak · November 2013

You two need to have a serious chat. Why is he buying such generous gifts for his mother? A dryer is a pretty big deal. Guns aren't cheap. Neither are truck covers. My DH used to go way overboard with gifts for holidays. I wish I could say I did "X" but honestly it was just a matter of time until he came to the realization that we have our own financial goals and don't need to spend all this money to show people we love them.

Just because he makes more than you does not mean that he works twice as hard and should get to have twice the fun. My DH makes more than double what I make but everything goes into the same account. We discuss with eachother if we are going to make purchases. He is good about selling stuff on Ebay and what he makes doing that, he does what he want with. But he'd never say "No" if I wanted/needed something (within reason, of course).

One thing that really helped us get serious about our spending is to put everything down on paper and to map out when we would get debts paid off. AND to include the price of daycare and when we could afford that in the monthly budget. This really helped us figure out our TTC timeline and I feel 100% comfortable with where we are now that we are trying.

He really just sounds like he needs to grow up. Have you ever met with a financial planner? Maybe that will help.

GirlOnTheBeach · November 2013

jconno said:

ap142193 said:
@jconno no, he is one of 5 siblings.
Wow that's weird! I was for sure he had to be an only child because some of that sounds like my husband who's an only child. He had gotten better about it though. Well I took over paying the bills so maybe I just think it's better lol.

I hate when people always jump to the conclusion that only children are spoiled. I'm the only child in our relationship and my husband (who has two siblings) used to buy anything he wanted while I was stuck wearing clothes with holes in them and worn out old shoes.

For 2 years, I tried to save money by working extra babysitting (after a 40-60 hour week) so I could get my hair done or buy some make-up. I'd always have to fork it over to cover our bills because he spent $200 at Starbucks that month. I never got to buy anything with it. It would really piss me off when his family would always say things like, "oh, you married an only child! She's probably so spoiled!" while I was always going without so he could have whatever he wanted. Only children aren't all spoiled. Some of us give everything we can so others can have more.

I should add that DH and I finally sat down together and went over finances and now are on a budget plan where we pay off debt and get the same amount of spending money. I can finally buy some of the things I need, DH doesn't feel bad about buying things because he knows his limit, and we are able to pay all our bills and still have plenty left for savings. It really helped our relationship to stick to a budget and have a plan :-)

lebradford · November 2013

Paying as much as your husband for bills when he makes more than you is *totally* selfish of him. You need to nip that before you get pregnant. How are you going to buy gas when you're on maternity leave? What if you take a lesser paying job or stay home when you have kids? And who pays for kid things? Personally I think all money should be combined, but if that doesn't work for you guys, maybe you could put all of your money except $x together, and you each have $y to spend each month, no questions asked. However, I'd be adamant that it be the same amount for both of you.

Sorry if I came across as bitchy. I'm angry for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

mikescutie7 · November 2013

Valancyy said:

I know to each his or her own, but I never understood why a married couple would keep their money separate. I feel like once you're married you're a unit.

It can work. DH and I have been married for nearly 2 years and we've held separate accounts the whole time. We split the bills in a way that was comparable to the amounts of money we made (ie he made house payment, I made car payment) and it was never a problem. We never had disagreements about money, and checked with each other before major purchases. My hubby makes more and always foots the bill when we go out shopping, eating, anywhere.

We only just recently got a joint account with both our names but only because a) the new account has a better savings interest rate and b) I want us to have mutual access in case of emergencies.

So I don't think having a joint account is necessary to financial peace/security with a couple

[Deleted User] · November 2013

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nikiz628 · November 2013

I am a SAHM, DH is the sole income (minus money I make babysitting my niece and nephew each week, but we just throw that in savings). I handle all the budgeting, bill paying, etc. so that he doesn't have to worry about it. We have a "finance meeting" each month or so, so I can keep him in the loop on what's going on with bills, debt, savings. When we first got married, we both worked and we were pretty careless with our money. Once I stopped working, it was basically do or die with the budget so that helped a lot. However, it wasn't without problems lol. One example: I encourage DH to brown bag his lunch, because he tends to get crazy with the fast food drive thrus..On one hand, I felt terrible telling my husband that he couldn't spend the money he was earning on something as trivial as a lunch. But on the other hand, those little lunches were adding up. We talked about it and I showed him how much he spent in one month on fast food for lunch. It was more than one week's grocery budget. Now Im not saying he can never go indulge, but it just cant be everyday. I think this was an eye opener for him. Sometimes thats what we all need! A hard smack of reality lol.

Every relationship is different. If separate bank accounts work for you, then by all means do it. The real issue I see here is with communication. You have to talk about this. If you hold it all in and let it build up, its going to end up WAY worse then if you had just confronted the issue early on.

And I second a PP's recommendation of Dave Ramsey. Seriously, life changing info there.
Good luck!!!!

victoria+james · November 2013

DH and I still each have our "own" accounts. They are both joint accounts but it makes it easier (especially around the holidays) when we are both out shopping (but separately) so we can each use a debit card and not worry that the other may have already spent the money in that account.

Everyone finds something different that works for them... just sit down with YH and discuss what would work best for the two of you.

mmb248 · November 2013

I'm going to be on my own here, but I don't see why the OP shouldn't pay half the household bills. She uses half the household resources.

Having said that, your H is being selfish by not considering how his spending affects the family unit. He sounds like a child whose parents forgot to teach him responsibility. I think you need to make an appointment with a financial advisor who can help you structure your budget in a way that works for both of you and convince him of the importance of fiscal responsibility.

Weezy56 · November 2013

OP, this sounds a lot like how my DH was when we started living together pre-marriage. He told me verbatim "Money is meant to be spent, and you can always make more". It was so aggravating.

We had nice things and did nice things, but that was only because we would buy things with any leftover money on payday and never put it in savings. What really got to him was when I would ask him questions like - What are we going to do if one of us gets in a horrible accident and can't pay our medical bills? What are we going to do if the A/C goes out? What if I become pregnant before we plan on it? What if something happens to one of our dogs and we don't have the money for vet bills?

We had to have a lot of come to Jesus talks to find a system that worked for us. It has been a complete 180 and I am so grateful that we worked through this before getting married and TTC. We still have disagreements from time to time (he was frustrated a few weeks ago because I said we should not buy a $1200 rifle- wtf. We don't need a damn rifle), but we have learned to talk through decisions on big purchases and come to a resolution without having a knock down drag out fight over it.

It may take some time, but I hope that you guys can figure out something soon that works for you.

von1976 · November 2013

ap142193 said:

I think we need a single account and each get an "allowance" for gifts, lunches, etc. So far he refuses, but Im still trying.

Right now we both pay the same amount into a joint account for bills based on our budget and then the remainder of our salaries stays in our own separate accounts. Of course, I only have enough left for gas. He has extra since he makes twice as much as I do. He is responsible for paying his own car and student loan payments, but sometimes I wonder if he is actually paying on his student loan (I know he pays is truck payment).

This month I bought myself 2 outfits (at an outlet store) and some hand lotion. This month he bought his mother a new dryer and himself 2 guns, and a bedcover for his truck.

TL;DR the rest, sorry.

HOLE. EEEE. SHIT. I would not be okay with any of this, and I'm the one that makes more in our marriage. There is no YOURS and MINE in a marriage, it's all OURS!

For us:

All the money comes into a joint checking account.
Bills get paid out of this joint checking account.
A percentage of each paycheck gets moved to a joint savings account (more from mine, less from his--but it doesn't matter because it's joint money anyway).
A smaller percentage of each paycheck (equal $ amounts) goes into each of our personal accounts as "Mad Money".

Everything household related or necessary is charged to a joint credit card, or paid out of the joint accounts.
Everything that doesn't fit the above gets charged to a personal credit card (the bill for which is paid from the personal account), or paid out of a personal account.

There is NO WAY I would be okay with (since the situations are reversed) DH hardly being able to afford anything, and me lavishly spending my extra money. That is WAY fucked up.

FWIW, I handle all the money and finances in our marriage. I enjoy it, DH doesn't--and I'm better at it anyway. I'm the saver in our marriage.

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