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Thoughts about Discipline

pbrown7781pbrown7781 member
in Blended Families
I just want some feedback on your thoughts about step parents being able to discipline step- children.
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Re: Thoughts about Discipline

  • nurrieumnurrieum member
    I think it's important to communicate enough to know that persons role in their life (mostly in regards to what could be temporary relationships).
    When it came to disciplining SS, it was never really questioned that I would be different than his bio parents. We tried to work together. Certainly didn't always happen but we tried. We don't all have the same method though. But acknowledging the role people play in the life of the child opens communication in the childs best interest, so it's best not handicap a caregiver with "you can't discipline said child", unless there's abuse.

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  • nevertunenevertune member
    My husband and I never really talked about it, but while we'll both lecture either child for not listening or breaking a rule, we leave punishment like grounding up to the birth parent. For an example, if my son is tipping back in his chair, my husband will tell him to cut it out if I'm not around. If his son leaves his plate on the table, I'm more than happy to tell him to come back and clean up after himself. These are really lame examples; my kids are pretty good.

    I think it's realistic for anyone who is in a supervising position over the kid should have some ability to discipline them. Any time I leave my son in someone else's care, I fully expect them to feel comfortable yelling at my kid if he's a naughty pants.

    new+tothis said:
    I think all caregivers need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline.
    I think that sums it up beautifully.
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  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    I think it depends on the family. With DH and I, he has full authority to discipline DS, all the way up to time outs and sending him to his room if need be. Do I always agree with his decision? No, but DS is with us 100% so DH IS his father-figure. He picks DS up from daycare every day and is responsible for him for over 2 hours before I get home from work. He should be able to have that parenting right, it's what works for us. For other families the bio parent is responsible for their bio children, that's what works for them. The most important thing is communication and both adults being on the same page, knowing what is allowed and expected of them. 
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    I have only recently thought of it this way because of a meeting we had with DS' s daycare providers: You wouldn't (or shouldn't) prevent your child's teacher from disciplining appropriately, so how is that different from any other authoritative figure in their life? The step parent and the child are not roommates. There must be a line of respect and authority there, and it should be encouraged by both birth parents.

    That being said, if you thought any figure in your child's life was disciplining too harshly for the "crime" or not stepping up enough, you would talk to them and sort things out (i.e. parent teacher conference). So you do the same in a family, blended or not. And all parties *should* be open to that.

    Even married parents don't always agree on parenting and discipline. But good parenting means making sure that all parties are working together toward the same end goal and have working, honest communication.

    That being said, married parents who have an otherwise great relationship often struggle with this. Differences in parenting styles is one of the top five reasons listed for divorce. So discipline and parenting in a blended family after that much more difficult, when pre-existing loyalties, jealousy, and resentment often cloud what is important.

    Communication and follow through is the key, yet again.
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  • hopankahopanka member
    Ghostice, I on the other hand would have a big problem with anyone yelling at my child. But then again, there is never a reason to yell at him.
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  • KTdiditKTdidit member
    hopanka said:
    Ghostice, I on the other hand would have a big problem with anyone yelling at my child. But then again, there is never a reason to yell at him.
    @hopanka You mean to tell me you NEVER yell at your child? I have a hard time believe a child is so well behaved all the time. How do you discipline?
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  • hopankahopanka member
    I honestly don't remember a time I yelled at him. When he was a toddler, I dreamed about a day when he would take another child's toy. It never happened. Such is life in SN sometimes.
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  • xmaryrickxxmaryrickx member
    KTdidit said:


    hopanka said:

    Ghostice, I on the other hand would have a big problem with anyone yelling at my child. But then again, there is never a reason to yell at him.

    @hopanka You mean to tell me you NEVER yell at your child? I have a hard time believe a child is so well behaved all the time. How do you discipline?

    Plenty of people make it through life without yelling. It's ineffective and terribly hurtful. You have to find what works for your family though.
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    Every kid is different. I will tell my SS I am disappointed in him and that will hurt him deeper than a punishment. I leave the groundings and punishments up to my Dh but my SS knows if he's bad it will ALWAYS be addressed by dad. If he talks back to an adult (which is his weakness- muttering under his breath or talking back) I will correct him immediately but anything deeper is for dad.
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  • nevertunenevertune member
    If my kids are hypothetically in public somewhere without me not listening or paying attention, I would expect someone in charge to call them out. (Thankfully, my kids are pretty awesomesauce in public.) Maybe I wasn't clear on my definition on "yelling." Any stern voiced talking to might as well be yelling to me. I'm a very quiet person and the only way I can get my kids attention is to talk louder, which feels like yelling to me. I don't know how parents nicely tell their kids to stop horsing around in the pool without climbing in the pool, swimming over, tapping them on the shoulder, and then telling them. I'm sorry, but I have to yell. Same with "Let that little kid go down the slide first!" and, "Don't run off that far ahead of me!" Is this not "yelling" to other people? Because I'd want anyone in charge of my kids to be doing that. And I do that with my son and step-son equally, as does my husband.
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  • Mkherren12Mkherren12 member
    Like someone else said it's up to the family. I personally believe it also depends on the age of the children. If you have older children as I was with a step parent I think both parents need to be on the same page while only the birth parent deals out groundings and what not. With older children I think you have to work harder to foster a loving relationship with a step parent and when the child resents the step parent for punishing them it makes it harder. Children will place blame to the wrong people when they are hurting over things. This is how things were with my step mom and looking back I appreciate that they protected that relationship. Sm and inare not BFF or anything but I know I can talk to her. She is truly cares and is concerned when something is going on.

    With younger children I think it's ok for step parent to discipline. This is my situation with dd. She was young enough when Dh came into the picture that she needed that from him. Also she was too young to know what a grudge was or to resent Dh.
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    Mkherren12 said:
    Like someone else said it's up to the family. I personally believe it also depends on the age of the children. If you have older children as I was with a step parent I think both parents need to be on the same page while only the birth parent deals out groundings and what not. With older children I think you have to work harder to foster a loving relationship with a step parent and when the child resents the step parent for punishing them it makes it harder. Children will place blame to the wrong people when they are hurting over things. This is how things were with my step mom and looking back I appreciate that they protected that relationship. Sm and inare not BFF or anything but I know I can talk to her. She is truly cares and is concerned when something is going on. With younger children I think it's ok for step parent to discipline. This is my situation with dd. She was young enough when Dh came into the picture that she needed that from him. Also she was too young to know what a grudge was or to resent Dh.
    Very good points.
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