Feeling like a failure (vent)

kattifu · November 2013

My 4 yr old son has been driving us crazy at night. He goes to sleep fine but then get up, it's starts off at like 4-5am then moves to 2-3 next thing ya know its midnight or before and he's up. Well when it's at 4-5 we are all going to be starting the day in an hour or so and usually let him stay in our bed...and it goes down hill from there. I have sleep issues so when he wakes up in the middle go the night and I fight the battle I end up awake for hours on end. If I don't he ends up in the bed with me and DH. And heaven help if I mention this to my MIL because she was the perfect f!@&ing parent she literally (no joke) laughs at me and tells me that I really need to get him to stop getting in bed with us because she NEVER slept with her kids. The kicker (and blood boiler) would be that when he was an infant I didn't let him sleep with us and he never woke up except for maybe the occasional bottle, she was babysitting one night and decided to let him sleep with her. For real!!! You are going to convict me for doing something you were the first to start. Sorry this was so long and such a rant. Just had to get it out.

PaulaL92 · November 2013

You're definately not a failure, my oldest daughter who is 5 now has only been sleeping through the night for the past 18 months maybe? The difference is when she woke up she would be screaming bloody murder and would be next to impossible to settle down. This on top of her having colic when she was an infant so she never slept then either.

Try things like taking him in the bathroom while wrapped cocoon style in a blanket and turning on the shower as hot as it goes and letting the bathroom steam up. My mom suggested it to me when my daughter was sick with respiratory infections and such (she has asthma so helps with that also) but it makes them sleepy too! And it's all natural. I've also been told though I've never used, there is some kind of vitamin that you give to them before bed and it helps them sleep better all through the night?

I only heard about that vitamin about 2 months ago. I'm not sure what it's called or made out of but it might be worth looking up!

kattifu · November 2013

Thank you. I will have to try the running shower trick. Last night as he was already up before 11 and we had just gone to bed ourselves just got to me. Having the constant criticism from MIL the perfect sucks. I wish I could know what motherhood was really like for her before she glorified it and made it sound like she was Mary Poppins/Martha Stewart combined.

beckslea · November 2013

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I would not let him in your bed at all. It seems he is learning that if he wakes up and cries, he can join you and what kid wouldn't like that? I strongly recommend The Happiest Baby Guide to Great Sleep; there are suggestions to try for preschoolers as well as younger children in there.

As for your MIL, she sounds like a huge pain. I would completely ignore her unhelpful comments and would insist that when she watches your kid she follows your rules.

kattifu · November 2013

I am planning on trying the floor option, one of my girlfriends suggested that as well.

kattifu · November 2013

@beckslea I have spoken with my MIL about my rules and she laughs and well laughs. So I have in the past stopped letting her keep him over night and well even at all, but then I'm the evil witch because I don't let her see him. It's like I can't win. I stand my ground and either get laughed at or talked about to the whole family.

CaniacMom · November 2013

You are not a failure. Kids go through stages like this. It is up to each set of parents to figure out which way of dealing with it is right for their families.

Is it possible that he is having nightmares? When I was 4ish I had terrible recurring nightmares - I can still vividly remember them - and would get up at night. My parents had a no getting in their bed rule but we could sleep on their floor. I preferred the hardwood floor in my little sleeping bag to my bedroom & that creepy man who came out of the box under my bed and chased me. I was not able to completely explain in words to my parents what was scaring me at that age.

rlyttle · November 2013

I don't mind being the witch that won't let my DS stay at my MILs. She has learned that I hold the cards when it comes to my own son. NOT HER! She has tested her bounds several times. I usually just say "well when you have another kid you can parent them however you want". That shuts her up pretty fast. I hate to be nasty with her, but that is the only way she will listen. A few times I've said "I don't remember asking your opinion".... with a smile of course. haha I know it's so passive aggressive, but oh well.

As for you DS coming into your room, I would NOT let him in bed. I usually tell DS that he can stay in bed and read or play, but it's not time to get out of bed yet. That usually works for him. Maybe try one of those wake up clocks, or whatever they are called with the light.

returnhomegnome · November 2013

3 things:

1: you are SO NOT a failure.
Regardless of what your MIL did (or thinks she did), MOST of us deal with sleep issues with our kids at some point; whether newborn or older (I just had a friend whose 7-year old struggled with night terrors for a bit).
It's a phase, it's normal, and it's no big deal. (haha, well, "no big deal" as long as they go away, right?)

2: there are nightlight / clock things which turn green when the child is allowed to get out of bed. I recommend looking into something like that and trying to gently train the child to stay in bed until the light turns; or you could even say, until the sun is up. Personally I don't want our kids coming into our room whenever they please, and I too am a light/poor sleeper so I cannot have them in the same room as me, much less in bed with me (extreme illness exception, but then I typically go sleep in their room with them). Is it possible to trade off w/spouse as enforcer, one night on, one night off? My hubby and I occasionally sleep in separate rooms to ensure that at least one of us is getting a solid night sleep.

3: I'm not trying to pick on you or be rude, but, it seems like you have pent up issues with your MIL which you may want to think through. I read your post and was like "ok, TWO huge separate issues here: kid not sleeping, and this woman feels really upset toward her MIL".
We can't be responsible for other people's behavior, but we can seek to update our own reactions and even "turn off" the buttons people press. I'm a big fan of personal counseling, but I'm sure there are plenty of books available on helping inter-personal interactions with these relationships we don't choose and can't get away from.

Good luck on both fronts!!!

sschwege · November 2013

mullenem said:

You're definitely not a failure but I agree with @beckslea, I wouldn't let him in my bed. My MIL told me that when her kids got up in the middle of the night and wanted to come into their room, she would let them sleep on the floor. Could you try that? have a blanket or sleeping bag and a pillow and he can sleep there but not get in your bed. Maybe that will not be a nice/comfortable for him and he'll stop getting up?

This is what my parents did as well. We didn't even wake them up we would come in, lay down on the floor and when morning came there we would be.

I think you have to figure out what you are comfortable as a parent and go with that. Some parents don't mind a child in bed, some don't want that but don't mind one on the floor, some don't mind bringing them back to the child's room and laying with them until they fall back asleep, some parents (like us) put a baby gate at the door and just keep an eye on them with the video monitor etc. Decide how you want to approach that and consistently go with that.

But seriously if you don't want your child in bed with you, you have to stop doing it!

Oh and your MIL sucks!

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