Update: marriage

silvie25mar · November 2013

Okay so DH came back from his trip. We exchanged a few emails before he did saying that this was a very dark 90+ days and that he wants to close the door on it. Not forget it but learn from it. that's great news as I'm glad he wants to at least try and make it work. He said if we can't get out of the dark place we will have to accept that it's ran its course. I understand.

It's been pretty good since he got back, but there are times where it's been a little sensitive. I told him that because he's told me his feelings a few weeks about about not knowing how he feels anymore, that I am insecure about te relationship and I need that security back. I need to feel that he cares blah blah.

Any suggestions about my actions moving forward with him ? Other than be myself.

shannm · November 2013

Don't make the marriage issues the only thing you talk about. Try to get a night out together with something fun or task oriented involved. Like a movie or some early Christmas shopping. I know you may feel insecure but try not to let that permeate every interaction with him. He will likely find that unattractive and draining.

djm31012 · November 2013

Agree I think you can't make every conversation you have about feelings or your marriage . And don't overcompensate and be in his face all the time either . Be yourself. Agree to weekly alone time whether it's out to dinner or a movie on the couch after the kids go to bed. Ask about his day and listen to the answer . Breathe and count to 10 before saying anything you might regret later in the heat of the moment . And time time time . Give him a chance to come around, he sounds like he wants to but he needs time and space to do so.

plus12012 · November 2013

Try and find something fun to do together. Maybe visit a place or participate in a favorite activity that the two of you enjoyed before hitting some bumps in the road. And absolutely no talk about any issues or negative feeling that you were experiencing.

Start to focus on the now. Talk about your day, plans for the future, fun activities over the holidays, silly things you LO did. Move forward without dwelling on the past. I have a few friends who dealt with some marriage hiccups and they found a volunteer activity to do together around the holidays like serving Thanksgiving dinner at a soup kitchen. It gives a fresh perspective to the positive things you have in your life.

silvie25mar · November 2013

Thanks guys. You're right. Time will make a difference. I can't expect things to change overnight. So far it's been okay, there have been a few uh oh moments where I thought things were spiralling back but I just chose to let it go. As hard as it was. I guess I have to pick my battles and can't be upset with every little thing.

I chose to kind of get upset because he told me he didn't want to feel like he was babysitting me at his company xmas party. Which he is right, I would feel the same at mine. As nice as it would be for spouses to come along you can never mingle and enjoy the night the same way so there will be other times we can be out together - this weekend we are going overnight for the first time since dd was born and i'm very excited about it. Just some time away together, even if it's just for a night.

He also said that i'm too shy and aren't a social butterfly at functions so it's stressful for him because if he does wonder away for whatever reason or somebody pulls him aside he gets stressed that i'll be alone. He's right about that. But i've always been that way... I don't know why he's complaning now. but i'll let it go.

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