Baby shower rant/vent

KTdidit · November 2013

MIL came over Friday night to "celebrate" DH's birthday (for her that entails showing up an hour later than normal, bringing a pizza and liquor (as a present) and staying incredibly late) and mentioned that her and Step SIL wanted to help SIL with our baby shower. The one I don't want in the first place. The one that my family won't come to because it is my 2nd child (fair enough) and is pretty much for DH's family anyway. Now SIL and I already talked about this and since it is for DH's family she had planned on having it co-ed, and more of a celebration than a "shower". I am super uncomfortable opening presents in front of people and despise showers of all sorts, SIL knows that and was planning something to celebrate DH's first child while not making either of us the huge center of attention.

Friday night on her way out MIL mentioned that her and Step SIL want to help plan if that's ok. But she wants to throw it for just her side of DH's family (DH's parents are divorced) and "let his step mother and that family throw a separate one if they want". WTF, no. MIL HATES Step MIL with a passion. Well, sorry lady. Not my problem. And when I told her that I don't like showers and that I don't want to open presents in front of people once, let alone twice, she looks at me and says "Well people will want you to open their present, of course you do it at the shower". Oh and DH won't be there "guys don't come" Fucking great. So this "baby shower" is going to go from something I could tolerate to possibly TWO showers that I will want to crawl into a hole.

I plan on talking to SIL sometime soon and asking her what's going on. I don't want to feel like I'm "taking charge" of this but I liked her idea and don't want MIL making this all about her. Ugh blended families suck when you're an adult too.

KendraL86 · November 2013

You can always say no to their ideas. You have the ultimate veto card. I know it's tough to stand your ground when people are being pushy and acting like they now what's best for you, but sometimes you have to for your own sanity.

If they aren't willing to work within your boundaries, decline the shower all together.

+just+j+ · November 2013

Does DH want one? If not then say no. Its okay. Thanks but no thanks. Or... Do you think life will suck dealing with her going forward if you do? If thats the case and its not worth the drama then tell them NO PRESENTS and keep it to an hour or two.

KTdidit · November 2013

I messaged SIL and asked her whats going on with it? She said she's got it under control and that even though MIL wants to make all these changes she's not going to let her. If we said no to a shower altogether we would forever have to hear about it, so it's better to just let them do it. At least with SIL having control it won;t suck too bad. It's just annoying.

Lavender P · November 2013

I think that it is nice your DH's family will be able to have a shower because it is your DH's first child, even if it isn't yours. I would've been heart broken if my MIL and my In Laws didn't want to participate because DH already had a child. I really hope that your family comes around, even if it is just to celebrate and not bring presents.

Anyway, glad your SIL got it under control. The shower is about you and your new baby so it should be whatever makes you comfortable. I did have to open all my presents in front of everyone and there were so many it took an hour. It was uncomfortable for me but I know that everyone there wanted to see me enjoy what they got for our DS and I think it is worth making compromises sometimes.

KTdidit · November 2013

Unfortunately my family doesn't see it that way, as supporting DH. They were surprised that we were having a "real wedding" too since it was my second. I'm just happy that his family is excited for him enough to throw a shower

KTdidit · November 2013

I should add my family is strict old school Polish. More often than not care more about what is "socially acceptable" than how it effects the actual person :-(

twister22 · November 2013

Ehh, I don't think your family's in the wrong in the baby shower instance. Technically, a baby shower is to welcome a mother into motherhood. You're already a mom. With that being said, MIL & SIL threw me a surprise shower (with DH's female family member's only) since it was the first baby being born in their family and they obviously weren't a part of things the first time around.

YummyChef · November 2013

If my IL's told me that none of them were attending my shower because it was my husband's second baby I would be pissed off. Likewise, if it was my husband's first child, but my second child, I understand that they'd be excited to throw me a baby shower.

So how about a compromise? You will graciously attend the shower that they have put effort into hosting for you and afterwards you thank them for being nice enough to throw a party for you so that you get a bunch of presents. But, you make it perfectly clear that it has to be only ONE. And you don't open the presents at the shower, that is optional after all. OR ask that instead of gifts they make a donation to a children's charity.

KTdidit · November 2013

I'm not pissed off so much as DH and I are both kind of hurt. I understand that baby showers are to welcome new moms into motherhood and I'm already there. DH us just hurt because he feels like my damn doesn't care

twister22 · November 2013

KTdidit said:

I'm not pissed off so much as DH and I are both kind of hurt. I understand that baby showers are to welcome new moms into motherhood and I'm already there. DH us just hurt because he feels like my damn doesn't care

What did your family do for your DS? What has your family done this time around to show they don't care? I was a single mom to my DS, and my parents went above & beyond in helping us out, and I would be insulted if someone said they didn't care because they didn't host or attend a shower for my 2nd pregnancy.

Just a warning, don't post on the Baby Shower board, they will completely tear you apart, as they are anti second shower for ANY reason.

KTdidit · November 2013

twister22 said:

KTdidit said:

I'm not pissed off so much as DH and I are both kind of hurt. I understand that baby showers are to welcome new moms into motherhood and I'm already there. DH us just hurt because he feels like my damn doesn't care

What did your family do for your DS? What has your family done this time around to show they don't care? I was a single mom to my DS, and my parents went above & beyond in helping us out, and I would be insulted if someone said they didn't care because they didn't host or attend a shower for my 2nd pregnancy.

Just a warning, don't post on the Baby Shower board, they will completely tear you apart, as they are anti second shower for ANY reason.

Oh I know it, I don't usually go to the baby shower or baby names boards. They are a little nuts there and I don't really care about their opinion.

Well it started because my family really downplayed our wedding, being surprised that we had a real wedding and not the courthouse. My mother's outright refusal to participate or attend a wedding shower since it was my second, even though none was mentioned. She is not afraid to make her opinion very well known about things.

I guess DH's hurt feelings carried over to the pregnancy. First, no one got super excited when we told them because it was only 7 weeks and my family is very pessimistic. So they didn't get as excited as his family did. My brother loves DS to death and kind of forgets that I'm even pregnant at all. Basically DH has very sensitive feelings and he internalizes things a lot more than he should. Like, for instance, he is convinced my brother doesn't like him because in the beginning DH would invite him out to concerts and stuff with us and my brother declined. We don't have the same tastes in music or entertainment in general. But DH internalized that as my brother doesn't like him. Yeah, its fun.

twister22 · November 2013

Oh yuck. That's no fun. Do you think talking to your family would help?

KTdidit · November 2013

twister22 said:

Oh yuck. That's no fun. Do you think talking to your family would help?

Hah no. My family is kind-of anti-feelings LOL. I've tried talking to my mom before about something that she said that hurt my feelings and she basically said I was wrong and get over it and stop being so sensitive. But if you do something and unintentionally hurt her feelings then you are the worst person ever. I stay away from talking about feelings with her at all costs. It is what it is. DH and I and his family are incredibly excited so he will get eventually over it

twister22 · November 2013

KTdidit said:

twister22 said:

Oh yuck. That's no fun. Do you think talking to your family would help?

Hah no. My family is kind-of anti-feelings LOL. I've tried talking to my mom before about something that she said that hurt my feelings and she basically said I was wrong and get over it and stop being so sensitive. But if you do something and unintentionally hurt her feelings then you are the worst person ever. I stay away from talking about feelings with her at all costs. It is what it is. DH and I and his family are incredibly excited so he will get eventually over it

Oh joy, that sounds like my MIL & my SIL. I'm sorry your family is so un-involved. Hopefully DH will learn not to take it personally, and that's just kind of the way they are.

Ilumine · November 2013

First, this is not a Polish Catholic thing. I know Polish catholics. I just interned my Bobcia and our mass was in a Polish Catholic church, where the missal is written in Polish and the mass was said in...wait for it...Polish.

These are familial traits that come from the need of control. If we OVER control our enthusiasm or support we can control the individual. They won't stray from the party line because they know if they do, they will be one-step short of being "shunned". But we wont actually SHUN, because then the member will actually leave and we now have totally lost control.

You have two choices here. You can continue on with the Status Quo, putting your husband and yourself in the "not quite shunned" position for the rest of your lives AND you gamble with your new child's full acceptance into this family along with that - or you can actually force your family to treat you, your husband and all of your children with - at the very least - respect.

And you can do it without making a fuss. Every time they treat you with disdain or show a lack of emotion or a powerguilt trip, just get up and leave. You can do it clamly and without even calling attention to the why.

But you do it to show your children that you will not allow them to be in the presence of people who do not treat you well, even family. Because the reality is, FAMILY should be your biggest support staff. Your son should see his mother's mom going gaga (in a non boundary-stomping manner) over his younger sibling. Your son should see his uncle throwing his father an outing bone because that is what you do for friends and family, you occassionaly take one for the team.

Now, I am NOT saying you hold your family to your inlaws standards, because that is not fair or right. But you do get to hold them to at least a "norm" set of standards. Getting excited about a new baby is more than a baby shower.

Lavender P · November 2013

My family and DH's family uses any excuse to celebrate so it is definitely a different mindset. I think if your immediate family knows that it is hurtful to DH then they should just suck it up and go. They don't have to buy presents. It is more about being excited that there is a new life coming into the world and celebrating. I don't think attending a shower is too much to ask. It isn't about the presents or protocol to me. It is all about celebrating a new family member.

My DH married BM in a courthouse. They only got married because she was pregnant. Even if they had a blowout wedding, we still would've had a huge wedding like we did. To me it shouldn't matter if one person already did spending before. It doesn't make it less special. I feel bad for your DH. It seems like all these major events that are brand new and major life moments for him, aren't as important because he wasn't your first husband.

KTdidit · November 2013

Ilumine said:

First, this is not a Polish Catholic thing. I know Polish catholics. I just interned my Bobcia and our mass was in a Polish Catholic church, where the missal is written in Polish and the mass was said in...wait for it...Polish.

These are familial traits that come from the need of control. If we OVER control our enthusiasm or support we can control the individual. They won't stray from the party line because they know if they do, they will be one-step short of being "shunned". But we wont actually SHUN, because then the member will actually leave and we now have totally lost control.

You have two choices here. You can continue on with the Status Quo, putting your husband and yourself in the "not quite shunned" position for the rest of your lives AND you gamble with your new child's full acceptance into this family along with that - or you can actually force your family to treat you, your husband and all of your children with - at the very least - respect.

And you can do it without making a fuss. Every time they treat you with disdain or show a lack of emotion or a powerguilt trip, just get up and leave. You can do it clamly and without even calling attention to the why.

But you do it to show your children that you will not allow them to be in the presence of people who do not treat you well, even family. Because the reality is, FAMILY should be your biggest support staff. Your son should see his mother's mom going gaga (in a non boundary-stomping manner) over his younger sibling. Your son should see his uncle throwing his father an outing bone because that is what you do for friends and family, you occassionaly take one for the team.

Now, I am NOT saying you hold your family to your inlaws standards, because that is not fair or right. But you do get to hold them to at least a "norm" set of standards. Getting excited about a new baby is more than a baby shower.

@Iliumine this is all very very true and I needed to hear it. My Mom is extremely controlling and demanding and I've recently been trying to distance myself from it and stand up for my own family's needs. It's difficult. But you're right, the only way she will treat us with respect is if I make her. (I really couldn't care less about the rest of the family - aunt, cousins etc. It's just my mother that needs to change)

KTdidit · November 2013

Lavender P said:

My family and DH's family uses any excuse to celebrate so it is definitely a different mindset. I think if your immediate family knows that it is hurtful to DH then they should just suck it up and go. They don't have to buy presents. It is more about being excited that there is a new life coming into the world and celebrating. I don't think attending a shower is too much to ask. It isn't about the presents or protocol to me. It is all about celebrating a new family member. My DH married BM in a courthouse. They only got married because she was pregnant. Even if they had a blowout wedding, we still would've had a huge wedding like we did. To me it shouldn't matter if one person already did spending before. It doesn't make it less special. I feel bad for your DH. It seems like all these major events that are brand new and major life moments for him, aren't as important because he wasn't your first husband.

This is how DH is being made to feel, not intentionally but it's still there. I think I will ask SIL to still send my Mom an invitation and when she says something to me about it, I'll make it known how DH and I feel.

Lavender P · November 2013

I'm glad you are going to invite her and talk to her about how you feel. There is really no negative to her attending the baby shower but it may breed ill will if she doesn't. Who doesn't want to celebrate a brand new baby???

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