July 2013 Moms

Help! People holding baby (long)

I need some help ladies! Let me start by telling you what happened last night.
We went to a birthday party for our friends daughter. DH works with the dad but I don't see them too often. The mom works at the hospital I gave birth so she saw him then and not since. The party was about 45 mins away and Ty slept on the way. He was happy as can be when we got there! As soon as we walk in everyone wants to see the baby and hold him. DH hands him off and everyone proceeds to pass my poor baby around and even let 3 little kids hold him. Of course Ty is crying because these are all strangers to him. Everytime I would get him settled down someone else would ask to hold him then he would cry again. I know that it's my fault and I can't be so nice. I just need to say no when people ask to
hold him.
As soon as we get in the car I'm in tears already and Ty is screaming. I tell DH why I'm upset and that We can't let him be passed around. DH then proceeds to yell at me and tells me it's my fault because I don't take Ty places and he needs to get used to people. Basically said he's ok with Ty crying, that's how he is going to get used to people. Oh and that I'm going to have to homeschool because Ty will be so attached to me. Poor baby cried all the way home and I cried too. It was awful and DH was so mean.
Now to my question...
We go to thanksgiving at DHs sisters and his side of the family. I'm already dreading going because everyone is going to want to pass around Ty and he is going to be miserable. But it's DHs family so how do I go about telling people no without looking like a total bitch? These people don't live far from us but have never made an attempt to form a relationship with Ty. So they are basically strangers to him. What should I do? Obviously DH is going to think its ok to pass the baby to every single person. I shouldn't be dreading thanksgiving already!!

Re: Help! People holding baby (long)

  • @etoille yes you can!
    He seriously couldn't understand why I was so upset!
    @ramy3695 it pissed me off too!
    Ty has only been on the outside 4 months! Of course he is attatched to me. Yes I have a moby and a ring sling.

    Ty is a very happy baby. If all those people would have just talked to Ty while I was holding him last night he would have been fine. I don't know why people think they have the right to just hold every baby they see. But last night was a wake up call and I need to have a game plan for the next social event!
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  • I would be pissed at his comments, too. I know Allie has started to be really fussy when other people are holding her and I either tell them that she's happier on the floor with someone playing with her of I just say she's fussing and take her back. Nobody had a "right" to hold your baby, if he's fussy, just take him back....

    Karen - 36      DH - 39

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickersLilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • @somerandomchick those are some great ideas! Thanks. Later does sound much nicer than no! Lol
  • I would also like to nut punch your DH. Even if LO likes being held by new people, being passed around can totally be over stimulating for a baby! Hell I'm an adult and I can barely stand socializing with large groups. Babies are like introverts--even if they like to be social it still wears them out. For Thanksgiving, a strict enforcement of nap times would probably help. Ask the host for a quiet place where you can nurse/feed LO and put them to sleep. So, after being passed around for 30 minutes, you take LO for private time & a nap. You could also institute a rule that for every 1 or 2 people who hold the baby, he goes back to you. Also, don't be afraid to say "later" instead of "no", its a little easier. "I will bring him to you so you can hold him later; he's getting cranky with all this over excitement and needs some quiet time." And give your DH a book on babies as an early christmS present
    Same.
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  • Just want to echo the suggestion of wearing your baby whenever youre around others. Yes, you will still encounter some people with grabby hands who will try to lift him right out of the wrap, but for the most part people will respect your personal space and ask first, giving you the opportunity to say "sorry, not right now".
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  • At thanksgiving, can you see if there are other ways for your family to interact? Perhaps sit with ds on your lap, and have them play ith toys with him? Does he like to be on the floor? Maybe they can play that way. You can always just tell people that he is cranky (tired, just woke up, gassy? )and won't be okay with others holding him.
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  • Sooo- we run into this a ton...and also have complicating factors around who holds him when---so some strategies--- "oh, I'm sorry, I really need to go change him, maybe when I come back?" "oh, he just ate and he's been spitting up a bunch, I'd rather make sure his stomach is settled"  "Not right now, he's super fussy"  or just "Nope sorry, my kid my rules"
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  • Say no when people ask to hold him. Say he's tired and put him down in another room maybe. Babies get overstimulated so it's no surprise if "pass the baby" was too much for him. You're doing nothing wrong. People don't get that you're the one that has to deal with an over stimulated baby at the end of the day.
  • I hate when other people aside from immediate family or close friends hold my baby. I especially hate when kids hold him, it's freaking annoying. I'm sorry your husband was being such a jerk!

    For Thanksgiving my plan is to just tell the kids, nope not now. I know the adults will just take him from me :( so as soon as he starts to fuss I'm just going to take him back. I honestly don't hold other peoples kids, it's weird.
  • Thank you ladies. You have great suggestions! I seriously cried while writing that out. I was so sad for Ty and so mad at myself for letting it happen!
  • Forgot to say, another nice thing about wearing him would be that people can still talk to him, try to make him smile etc because he'll be up at eye level. This seems to help some people get their baby fix, at least temporarily, and he'll still have the security of being attached to you.
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  • You ladies are awesome! I will have a talk with DH before thanksgiving and set some ground rules! Ill start out with Ty in the moby and then limit how many people hold him and for how long. I also like the quiet place to nurse and nap!
  • I would also suggest wearing him as several others said.  We use the "she is kinda fussy today and only wants me" excuse (even if she's not).  We don't like other people holding her.  She's our baby. . . we like to hold her.
    After 4.5 years our miracle IVF baby is here!
    Born 7/30/13
  • I don't really mind if people think I'm being a bitch but I know DH will be offended because its his family.
    We go to my parents every Sunday and Ty gets passed between my mom, dad, sisters, bil, sisters bf... But he knows them all and has spent sooo much time with each of them. I'm just going to tell DH that to Ty, handing him to his family members is like handing him to a stranger off the steet. I'm just so upset that I don't have DHs support!
    When we got home last night I went right upstairs with Ty. When I came down this morning I saw he had done all the dishes and folded laundry. He must be trying to suck up because he knows he was wrong. He had to know I wasn't just trying to be bitchy last night because I was seriously bawling and I don't cry that often!
  • I have had to tell people no a lot. I told DH that I'm not comfortable with it and the baby can't handle it.

    Your H needs to be bitch slapped.

     

    Baby girl #1 7/11/13

    Baby girl #2 4/30/15

    Baby Boy Due 2/16/19!




     

  • You ladies are awesome! I will have a talk with DH before thanksgiving and set some ground rules! Ill start out with Ty in the moby and then limit how many people hold him and for how long. I also like the quiet place to nurse and nap!

    I'm pretty bold about NIP but sometimes when you've got lots of visitors it can be a nice excuse to get some peace & quiet! When my BILs are over I love laying down with LO to nurse & cuddle in the quiet bedroom!

    And if I stay in there bumping for a few minutes after LO drifts off, who has to know? ;)

    Me too!! Weirdly I am only "shy" about nursing when in laws are around...
    K & M married 10.8.2011 *** BFP 7.17.2012, EDD 3.21.2013, Miscarriage at 6 wks 3 days *** BFP #2 11.7.2012, beautiful Tess born 7.11.2013
  • mandyrator79mandyrator79 member
    edited November 2013
    sorry your husband does not understand that it's not your fault. my girl is exactly the same way, she really only wants me and my husband to hold her. my parents come over weekly and sometimes she'll let them hold her and other times she does a loud scared cry. but my parents don't force the issue, if she cries I take her right back. they know it's just a thing she's going through and she'll get over it. my girl threw a huge fit at her four month check up, she did not like the nurse or Dr touching her. it was so sad :( it was like the saddest scared cry ever.
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    baby #1 boy 11.1.02 baby #2 boy 2.25.04 baby #3 girl 6.28.13 Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker my blog
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