Fertiles vent

nawlinsgrl · November 2013

One of my coworkers, who I get along with really well and have no issues with just came in to tell me she's 12 weeks pregnant. I figured it was coming sometime soon (within the next 6-12 months). She got married 2 years ago (1 year after me), and is only 27 (I'm 40). I am genuinely excited for her, but the kicker is they got pregnant on the first month trying! It's so stupid that I even care, since I have my two wonderful children (both via IVF on the first try each time), and our family is complete. Even though my journey wasn't that bad by IF standards, I really hate the reminder that it really is so simple and easy for some people.

Hopeful1981 · November 2013

I definitely know how you feel. When I finally told people at work that I was pregnant, male coworker who is about 55 comes up to me and says "congrats, guess what Kathy is pregnant too and she is due a week before you." I was like "oh that's great", at the time I had no idea who Kathy was, I figured she was another coworker I didn't know (I work at a large company). Anyways, long story short--male coworker who is 55 had just married his wife (Kathy) who was 48; neither one of them had children and they had an unplanned pregnancy. SHE IS 48. And since they were due a week before me all throughout my pregnancy he wanted to swap stories and ultrasound photos, etc. I was like, oh this is great, I am 30 and have to take such extensive measures to have a baby and these people who are practically old enough to be my parents have no problem having a baby they didn't even want.

JBDamonM · November 2013

I could've written this post myself. And I hate myself for it.

I'm so bad that when we had friends over Saturday night, I felt a ping of happiness when the wife reached for the wine. Not b/c she wasn't pregnant, but b/c I know they have been trying for a couple of months and I was happy I wasn't going to have the sting of "we're pregnant right off the pill again." they got pregnant with number 1 the first month off the pill last time (while also smoking like chimneys).....

I hate IF for making me do this

mdiblasi10 · November 2013

Oh yes. Literally everyone MH and I know gets pregnant without any issues, plus a couple who accidentally have. It sometimes feels very lonely in our IF world. Big hugs.

kaf7 · November 2013

I feel badly that I feel that way too. The day I found out that I had one embie that made it to freeze, two coworkers announced they are expecting in May. One of them managed to "plan" their conception and got pg right away, the others tried for 6 months. I still burst into tears on the way home.

queenbone · November 2013

Girl, I SO feel your pain! Our friends got married in Spain right before we had DD (so we obviously had to miss the wedding) and we just found out this weekend that they are pregnant. Yep, they got pg on their month long honeymoon. Lucky jerks! I'm thrilled for them, really, but it the IF part of me still gets irritated when I hear how easy it can be for some people. Sigh!

nawlinsgrl · November 2013

EDIT: UGH, I don't post enough anymore to remember to hit quote instead of reply, but this response is to @Hopeful1981.

I had a somewhat similar situation when I was pregnant with my first. Friends of ours who got married 2 weeks after us (he is our age, she was 25 or 26 at the time) got pregnant on their second try, just a couple months after I got pregnant, and of course, it was all about sharing the experience.

It was the double whammy of getting married and then being pregnant at roughly the same time that did it. They knew we were doing IVF and actually said they were going to wait to try so we could raise our kids together...ugh! We have both been friends with the husband for decades, but we are such total opposites from them that the last thing I wanted to was to be attached at the hip with them raising kids. Luckily it hasn't worked out that way.

They were planning to get pregnant this past spring/summer so she could avoid having another late summer (August) baby, but as far as I know that hasn't happened yet. I know it's also bad of me, but, solely under the assumption that she isn't IF, just having wonky PP cycles right now, I'm giggling on the inside at the thought that at least this time they aren't able to make a baby when they want.

Mrs.AmyDylan · November 2013

I thought I was getting better at hearing pregnancy news. However, a new mom friend (our DDs happen to have the same bday) told me that she got pregnant on her second pp cycle. She shared and they haven't even been to the doc to confirm or date. I'm jealous not only because it happened so fast, but also because the fertiles clearly have no qualms about waiting until 2nd tri.

Ruthie04 · November 2013

Ugh. I totally get it. We aren't even TTC, but I still feel so jealous for pregnancies that occur without medical intervention. And, the quickie pregnancies make me green with envy. I have a few friends who are teachers and planned their pregnancies for a summer due date. Of course, they got their wishes.

MoFree · November 2013

I hear all of you. I was 'cured' for a while until I started preparing for my FET. I feel envious of anyone who conceives without pumping their body full of hormones. I cannot even imagine having an oops pregnancy or conceiving on the first cycle of trying. It's a different world.

kmc84 · November 2013

It doesn't sting quite as much, but pregnancy announcements still suck. I don't think they will ever not suck

((hugs))

Eve_Angelique · November 2013

I definitely understand where you are coming from as well. There was 3 ladies pg at my work they all got pg last fall, pretty much right when they wanted to and had their babies this past summer. Even though at the time my LO was just a few months old, I remember feeling upset/frustrated that it seemed to come so easy for them. They stopped taking b/c and boom period, and cycling no problem. Damn!

Hopeful1981 · November 2013

I hope I don't get flamed for saying this because I know that everyone's IF is different, but I even feel like there are different levels of IF. Like there is real life IF and there is a preschool level of IF. I don't mean to be insensitive because not having a baby when you want one is hard, I get it and I have been there. But I had to have so many tests, procedures, surgeries, and then a couple IVFs before getting my take home baby. Someone who takes Clomid and gets pregnant after a couple cycles does not get to be in the same IF boat as me.

nawlinsgrl · November 2013

@Hopeful1981, I kinda agree with that too. Another coworker was pregnant a few months before me both times. The first time she used Clomid, and the second was an oopsie (they hadn't decided if they wanted a second yet). When I explained my IVF history to her (didn't get into having a hysteroscopy/D&C too) after she unknowingly made some hurtful comments (i.e. "you better hurry up and get started" in regard to having #2), she brought that up (the Clomid), and it was all I could do not to roll my eyes at her...or worse, LOL.

JBDamonM · November 2013

.

NikkiA921 said:

Oh I very much understand! My sil got pg her first cycle no problem. Now they're ttc their second (her ds is 11m). She's been ttc since he was 8m and she's upset it's taking her "FOREVER". She even went to her OB to get bloodwork to make sure she's ok. Oh for a fertile to walk in our shoes! (Even the shoes of a 2IF!)

Oooooh do I get this! One of my BF's was trying to get pregnant this summer. She has a thyroid issue so she was a little nervous going into it (despite getting pregnant right out of the gate with #1).... And I was soooo supportive - despite having to listen to her fall apart when she didn't get pregnant THE FIRST Month...... Of course though she got pregnant on the second month.

Also, I get annoyed b/c no matter how much I tell people (whom I am close with) that they can get through IF (and note: most of them don't even have a DX, they are just worried)..... I always get this look of pitty - like I don't want to be like you.... IT makes me bat shi& crazy! From now on I will keep my mouth shut!

kzawisl · November 2013

I don't think these feeling will ever go away. I get stabby when people talk about how easy it was for them to get pg. Or better yet, when they say they "wish" they had "my problem". Seriously?

mcgeeva · November 2013

I would feel the exact same way. Happy but bitter that some have it so damn easy.

MoFree · November 2013

Hopeful1981 said:

I hope I don't get flamed for saying this because I know that everyone's IF is different, but I even feel like there are different levels of IF. Like there is real life IF and there is a preschool level of IF. I don't mean to be insensitive because not having a baby when you want one is hard, I get it and I have been there. But I had to have so many tests, procedures, surgeries, and then a couple IVFs before getting my take home baby. Someone who takes Clomid and gets pregnant after a couple cycles does not get to be in the same IF boat as me.

I'm glad you brought this up. There are so many levels and degrees of IF and it is not a level playing field. It's not the pain Olympics but someone who conceives a take home baby after a round or two of Clomid experiences IF very differently than someone whose only option is IVF.

carrera317 · November 2013

I am so thankful for you ladies! This is why I am here. You all validate my feelings, no matter how "wrong" they are to have. That sting never goes away. I feel like I was that low level IF patient initially because I got my take home baby after my first transfer (eventhough it was almost 2 full rounds), however the quest for a second has certainly balanced it out and made me more bitter than ever. Sometimes it's so hard to hide. Lately there have been a few people at work that keep saying "no baby, no baby, no baby" in reference to anything that has to do with kids. It comes up often as we work in a hospital and many people in our department have kids. They all know my IVF struggles or at least the most recent rounds. Neither of them currently want to have a child now or ever, but I am convinced they will end up with an oops! My other coworker got knocked up on her first month trying on the date of cycle #2 for me. Her son in 6 months old now. Nice reminder of failure. Stupid fertiles!!!! Vent over. Sorry. Anyways, I agree the sting of it all. I truly hope that some day we are all released from the grips of IF and the awful experience it is.

dmhrn13 · November 2013

queenbone said:

Lucky jerks!

Hahaha, I want to say this like 10 times a day! Heck I get irritated when I see tickers where ladies get knocked up from IUI's. Like that doesn't count or something! I know it totally does. Sorry for being a hater, I don't mean it & am really happy for all of us. Its complicated I guess!

Hopeful1981 · November 2013

I agree with you about the IUI. I consider people who can get pregnant on IUI's as lucky...IUI's are nothing compared to IVF. I am so sorry I feel this way too because I know they struggle also! It is complicated. I guess in the end nothing really compares to IVF. And when I was on the IVF board, I felt guilty for getting KU sooner than other people. As if my two IVF rounds weren't "enough". There were people who had like 5 IVF rounds and had been trying for 5+ years. Here I come along after 18 months and two IVF's and get KU. It didn't seem fair and I felt super guilty.

PrettyAccountant · November 2013

Try having a sister who banged out 4 kids in 5 years or a SIL who got KU the first month of marriage and weren't trying.

mcgeeva · November 2013

Hopeful1981 said:
I agree with you about the IUI. I consider people who can get pregnant on IUI's as lucky...IUI's are nothing compared to IVF. I am so sorry I feel this way too because I know they struggle also! It is complicated. I guess in the end nothing really compares to IVF. And when I was on the IVF board, I felt guilty for getting KU sooner than other people. As if my two IVF rounds weren't "enough". There were people who had like 5 IVF rounds and had been trying for 5+ years. Here I come along after 18 months and two IVF's and get KU. It didn't seem fair and I felt super guilty.

I get why people feel this way even though it was a hard process for me as well. I went to two different doctors before ending up at shady grove. So yes first iui but it's not like it wasn't tough month after months taking drugs and same response no O. And paying every dime out of pocket once again. May not be ivf but still costly without insurance coverage and mentally draining.

mcgeeva · November 2013

And yes months don't compare to years or never conceiving at all...

Hopeful1981 · November 2013

mcgeeva said:

I agree with you about the IUI. I consider people who can get pregnant on IUI's as lucky...IUI's are nothing compared to IVF. I am so sorry I feel this way too because I know they struggle also! It is complicated. I guess in the end nothing really compares to IVF. And when I was on the IVF board, I felt guilty for getting KU sooner than other people. As if my two IVF rounds weren't "enough". There were people who had like 5 IVF rounds and had been trying for 5+ years. Here I come along after 18 months and two IVF's and get KU. It didn't seem fair and I felt super guilty.
I get why people feel this way even though it was a hard process for me as well. I went to two different doctors before ending up at shady grove. So yes first iui but it's not like it wasn't tough month after months taking drugs and same response no O. And paying every dime out of pocket once again. May not be ivf but still costly without insurance coverage and mentally draining.

I know. I get it. The meds, the money, the wanting a child and month after month being disappointed. For some it is years of disappointment. All of this is very difficult and is certainly IF. But like I said, there are different levels of IF and yours happens to be a low level. I feel for you and what you went through and don't want to downplay what you went through because I am truly sorry for your struggle, I wish NO ONE had to go through any type of IF. And like a PP said, I feel very ashamed and guilty for saying this, but honestly--trying for 6 months and getting pregnant after your first IUI is nothing compared to what people go through for IVF. Your level of IF is low. You should consider yourself very lucky. And if we were on an elevator together and you told me about your IF journey, I would probably go home to MH say, yeah, this girl has no idea what struggling with infertility REALLY means, and we would probably laugh about it in the same way we laugh when we talk about people who have sex and get pregnant. But this is because I am comparing myself and what I went through to what you went through. Which is definitely not fair, but life isn't fair. Because you can compare your struggle to the girl who was on Clomid and got KU through TI on the first try and say the same thing to her that I am saying to you. And someone who has had five IVFs and tried for five years can say the same thing to me. It is all relative and totally subjective.

I am very ashamed I feel this way but I am just being honest.

pantsarella · November 2013

PrettyAccountant said:

Try having a sister who banged out 4 kids in 5 years or a SIL who got KU the first month of marriage and weren't trying.

HA- my friend got pregnant "either the night of the wedding or on their mini-moon the week after". Yeah, she was knocked up when they went on their "real" honeymoon a month later.

I tend to agree about the "levels" of infertility. My SIL got pregnant twice through IUI. I have a friend who went through 2 rounds of Clomid and an IVF cycle that ended with a horrible miscarriage. When she was on the Clomid I really felt for her. IUI was never even an option for us, so I don't have any experience with it but I've heard horror stories about Clomid. And she had a lot of side effects. I didn't have any side effects with my IVF meds and we were so lucky to be successful the first time.

IF is definitely an individual experience. Our diagnoses, how our bodies react to things, etc. AND how we experience and deal with IF. I always say to everyone that IVF was never as hard as I imagined. It was uncomfortable and annoying, sure. But it was never really painful or hard for me. Another woman, even if she went through the same exact thing as me, might have found it so much harder mentally and emotionally. And your mind has a large part to do with how you experience pain.

(Disclaimer: I'm not saying that anyone who had a hard time cycling just had a hard time mentally or emotionally! Like I said, everyone experiences different physical things, too. Again, I consider myself incredibly lucky and often feel like someone who went through an easier version of IF, despite having to do IVF- and one day needing an FET to have #2.)

TJ1979 · November 2013

I knew I stayed out of this post for a reason.

mcgeeva · November 2013

"Because you can compare your struggle to the girl who was on Clomid and got KU through TI on the first try and say the same thing to her that I am saying to you. And someone who has had five IVFs and tried for five years can say the same thing to me. It is all relative and totally subjective. "

Yes I totally agree with this. I also knew before trying what my issues were so I never tried without drugs. Anywho I had a bad end to my pregnancy so for what it's worth we all have had our fair share of issues.

queenbone · November 2013

Hopeful1981 said:

mcgeeva said:

I agree with you about the IUI. I consider people who can get pregnant on IUI's as lucky...IUI's are nothing compared to IVF. I am so sorry I feel this way too because I know they struggle also! It is complicated. I guess in the end nothing really compares to IVF. And when I was on the IVF board, I felt guilty for getting KU sooner than other people. As if my two IVF rounds weren't "enough". There were people who had like 5 IVF rounds and had been trying for 5+ years. Here I come along after 18 months and two IVF's and get KU. It didn't seem fair and I felt super guilty.
I get why people feel this way even though it was a hard process for me as well. I went to two different doctors before ending up at shady grove. So yes first iui but it's not like it wasn't tough month after months taking drugs and same response no O. And paying every dime out of pocket once again. May not be ivf but still costly without insurance coverage and mentally draining.

I know. I get it. The meds, the money, the wanting a child and month after month being disappointed. For some it is years of disappointment. All of this is very difficult and is certainly IF. But like I said, there are different levels of IF and yours happens to be a low level. I feel for you and what you went through and don't want to downplay what you went through because I am truly sorry for your struggle, I wish NO ONE had to go through any type of IF. And like a PP said, I feel very ashamed and guilty for saying this, but honestly--trying for 6 months and getting pregnant after your first IUI is nothing compared to what people go through for IVF. Your level of IF is low. You should consider yourself very lucky. And if we were on an elevator together and you told me about your IF journey, I would probably go home to MH say, yeah, this girl has no idea what struggling with infertility REALLY means, and we would probably laugh about it in the same way we laugh when we talk about people who have sex and get pregnant. But this is because I am comparing myself and what I went through to what you went through. Which is definitely not fair, but life isn't fair. Because you can compare your struggle to the girl who was on Clomid and got KU through TI on the first try and say the same thing to her that I am saying to you. And someone who has had five IVFs and tried for five years can say the same thing to me. It is all relative and totally subjective.
I am very ashamed I feel this way but I am just being honest.

You do know this board isn't the exclusive realm for those who had to do IVF, right? SaIF is meant to include everyone who had IF struggles.

Your response seems very divisive. You have every right to feel that way, but I worry that people will feel they can't or shouldn't contribute here if this becomes the new norm for the board. We shouldn't have to justify our IF here.

TJ1979 · November 2013

Thank you for this @queenbone! You said it much better than I could have. I don't know why I'm allowing people I don't even know who have been on SAIF for all of 5 minutes make me feel like I don't belong here. This is a safe place where we all support each other, and don't judge.

mcgeeva · November 2013

TJ1979 said:
Thank you for this @queenbone! You said it much better than I could have. I don't know why I'm allowing people I don't even know who have been on SAIF for all of 5 minutes make me feel like I don't belong here. This is a safe place where we all support each other, and don't judge.

Thank you I agree I felt like total shit yesterday like I went though nothing and for her info I did more then 6 months of treatments. I did 11 and out of that only Oed once. We shouldn't feel less because we didn't take our eggs out. I could f paid just as much as someone who did ivf bc I don't have coverage. Then let's talk about a scary end to my pregnancy when you feel you already wet though enough.. Where is your break. I appreciate queenbones and TJs comment as well! I don't judge others who got pregnant off just clomid. It's tough on everyone. We are suppose to pick one another up not dog them for not going through enough to be allowed to have the right to comment

mcgeeva · November 2013

And one last comment to the nasty one I got.. I donated my eggs to one family twice who had two babies. How would you feel donating to then know you have to go back just to get pregnant? Life sucks I get it but don't act like I haven't gone through shit yet I also helped someone else have a baby before my struggles.

Hopeful1981 · November 2013

Um, wow, I am not sure how this thread went haywire today, but I am assuming it was due to a couple of my posts.

@queenbone-yes, I am aware this is not an IVF-exclusive community.

@mcgeeva-at no point was I ever nasty or judgmental towards you whatsoever. I apologize if you felt like shit, it was not my intention. I truly thought we were all just having an honest and thought provoking discussion about fertility. I am an attorney and I kind of enjoy lots of perspectives and ideas on things and I thought we were all just discussing the direction this post had gone in.

Speaking of which, I did originally post about the different levels of IF, but then later I was responding to someone else making the comment about how they were irritated when they saw IUI pregnancy tickers or something like that. I guess I am sorry I thought it was okay to express my thoughts on this.

I was not rude, or nasty, or snarky whatsoever to anyone in anyway. I expressed my comments and opinions honestly and respectfully and if they were misinterpreted then of course I apologize. I guess now I know if I want to post here I should just agree with what everyone else says.

mcgeeva · November 2013

I don't care that you are an attorney. You made people feel less then because iui are low level in your eyes. And between money struggles to afford it that is a bs to say its low. Maybe you weren't referring to me when you said 6 months because that's incorrect. Get to know people before you pass judgement

IBackBevo · November 2013

The only thing I am going to say is that sometimes the reason people do "just" IUIs or "just" clomid is not because they are "less infertile" but because their chances of success are so low that REs won't do IVF on them at all.
Edit: typo

mcgeeva · November 2013

Very true... It's all about knowledge

itsmevkb · November 2013

Wow, super late to the party on this one.

I can only imagine how you all feel about me having gotten pregnant, at age 40, while using condoms, not to mention that my first and third pregnancies were also conceived without medical assistance.

I came to the infertility boards as someone with secondary infertility, before there was a secondary infertility board and I knew that would probably make some women uncomfortable. Afterall, women who already have a child are sometimes considered greedy by those who are still trying for their first. However, my journey is my journey and I'm not in a competition with anyone else as to if it's longer, more complicated, more stressful, etc.

We all walk our own walk and no-one will ever truly understand our struggles except ourselves. I get that some women look at me and think what the heck is she doing here or think my struggles aren't "enough." And, I suppose I could say the same thing to women who have never had a miscarriage, or who have "only" had a first trimester miscarriage and not had to actually be induced to deliver their baby. Or, because I did IVF I could look at those who did clomid and IUI as not having gone through as much. Or, as a parent to four I could comment on how "easy" those with one or two kids must have it. But, instead I choose to try and understand that our journeys are unique and the pain we feel and the experiences we have as a result are unique.

I've always felt incredibly lucky to have been accepted here despite my somewhat unorthodox fertility history.

mcgeeva · November 2013

I think all of us regulars have definitely explained what's it means to be on this board and what each struggle means to us. Kudos to everyone here for all they have been through!

queenbone · November 2013

Hopeful1981 said:

I guess now I know if I want to post here I should just agree with what everyone else says.

No one wants you to agree with everyone else. You are more than entitled to those feelings, and I'm sure I could feel the same way.

I assume you are coming here from the IF board, which I believe is now meant for those needing IVF while TTTC is meant for those who are going through more preliminary IF treatments. My understanding is that is the dividing line between those two boards now. But it wasn't always that way. When I was ttc#1 there wasn't even a bump yet, there was just one Babies on the Brain board on the nest everyone posted there. Many of us older posters have come here from 3T, IF, 2IF, etc. The SaIF board hasn't evolved into separate boards depending on how we got there, and I frankly hope it doesn't. I like the perspective of having us all together. It is the umbrella that covers all of us.

Again, I think your feelings are totally normal, but I worry that based on your audience here, posting them will lead to feelings getting hurt.

IBackBevo · November 2013

Not trying to beat a dead horse, but I did want to chime in and say that I appreciate the acknowledgements that everyone's journey is their own and unique. I hate comparing pain like it is a competition. Lord knows that even if it has not specifically been in the "IF" arena, many of us (myself included) have had some really, really tough life experiences that have permanently changed who we are and our life views.

And I also think I predated the 3TC/IF board distinction...or, at least, I was never aware of the 3TC board when I first started posting but was welcomed with open arms on the IF board.

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