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visitation advice

mamastichmamastich member
in Blended Families
CO states: visitation upon mutual agreement and thats all

XH/BD lives across the country and me and DD will be traveling to see friends a few hours away from him. Do I tell BD well be there and allow him time to see DD on my trip?

Ive done this trip over a year ago and he came and saw DD for a few hours. The reason Im not sure about it this time is he hasn't come to see DD in well over a year and has been very inconsistant with his Skype calls (I wont hear from him for weeks at a time). In all honesty I can tell hes never going to be an active parent and I would rather he exit stage right sooner than later & I dont think I should be handing him time w DD on a silver plater. 

Second.. his grandparents winter a few hours from me and have asked to see DD... again I allowed it last year but they stayed for only an hour and wanted to talk about divorce the ENTIRE time. 

Thanks in advance.. 
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Re: visitation advice

  • SueBearSueBear member

    Honestly, it is not up to you to make the relationship between BD and DD happen.  If he were an active parent I would definately say it was worth it for DD's benefit, but being a part of his daughter's life is HIS responsibility. 

    As for the grandparents....are they coming to visit you?  If yes, then I would let them come.  If you don't want to talk about divorce, then change the subject or leave the room so they can have some bonding time with DD.  Just because you find them annoying isn't reason enough to keep them from DD.

     

     

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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    I would let him know you will be in the area. If he wants to see DD he can drive to where you are for a visit. That is hardly handing him time on a silver platter. It requires very minimal effort/communication on your part.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    Yeah I would let him know that you'll be a few hours away. Maybe say "If you would like to see DD either X or Y date would be the best time." And then leave it at that. If he wants to make arrangements, he will.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    While it is unfortunate he chooses to not see his child, the right thing to do is let him know you will be there and give him the oppotunity. If he declines then maybe it is time to have a discussion about how detrimental it is that he either be all in or all out.

    I would allow the grandparents time if they ask but they too should be consistent. You should also be clear that divorce conversation is off limits.

    Express your concerns openly and honestly and with maturity and give them an opportunity to realize how they are affecting your child and something needs to change. But it is not up to you to deny the father his rite to see the child. Let him come to you and do not go out of your way, but at least give him the opportunity.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • yurhinessyurhiness member
    Well, my XH hasn't seen our two kids in over a year, as well. It would be a little different to me if he made any effort, but, last Christmas & this past summer, he told them he'd be coming to get them, then he didn't & blamed me - told my son he couldn't see him because I won't bring them. He never even asked.
    He tells the kids he can't afford it, yet the next day, he's playing a newly-released game that cost $60. I pointed out to my DS that it would've costed him less to pick them up in a rented car. So, no, I'm not spending my savings to help him be a dad.
    He lives 5 hours away. My family lives 3 hours from him. I thought about letting him know we'd be visiting my family, but, really... Eff that. I'm a mom 24/7/365, saving money for the things that matter to us. If he can't make an effort to see his kids throughout an entire year... I'm not sacrificing my time with them so that he can treat them as optional. He doesn't even make them eat/bathe/brush their teeth!

    DD is 13 & DS is 11 now. I swear I used to be nicer, but, he's ruined that over the years. Maybe you're not bitter like me... yet, but, I'd be careful about setting an expectation that he doesn't have to bother if you'll hand it over on "a silver platter."

    As far as GP, XH's parents live only half an hour from my family. They have sent birthday & Christmas cards & gifts every chance & call more often than BD to check in on them. I'm planning to call them once at my family's so that they don't call BD to tell him I'm nearby. IMO, if they make an effort to see your DD, then let them. If adult conversation gets uncomfortable, I agree with PP, just excuse yourself & allow them alone time.

    Sorry for the long response!
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  • mamastichmamastich member
    Followed most of y'all's advice. I let the grandparents know when a good would be and they're happy. BD was told when he could come see DD and is now demanding alone time away from the residence well be at (it's the home of one his old good friends, now aquitence) I'm telling him absolutely no. Wouldn't you?
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Single mama - beautiful baby - learning to live
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Yep. I would tell him no, and the reason being he rarely sees his child.  You need to be present. If he wants private time, then he needs to make more of a long term, consistent effort to BE in his child's life - not randomly on rare occasions and when it's convenient. 
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    I think it's a good call.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    +just+j+ said:
    Yep. I would tell him no, and the reason being he rarely sees his child.  You need to be present. If he wants private time, then he needs to make more of a long term, consistent effort to BE in his child's life - not randomly on rare occasions and when it's convenient. 
    Agreed. 
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  • WahooWahoo member

    Hellz to the no with alone time.  CO says time must be by mutual agreement, so he doesn't get to demand anything  You don't agree, so it doesn't happen.  Too bad, so sad.

    I honestly don't think that "alone time" with your ex is in your DD's best interest.  Not only is BD not a part of her life, but she is going to be in a strange place, without her mom, with a "stranger" (even if it is her dad).  Plus YOU are out of your comfort zone when you are travelling.  If your ex wants to be dad, he has to do it year-round, not just when he wants, on his terms, when it is convenient.

    In the future, this would make me re-think calling to tell him you are in the neighborhood.  I guess you can learn from this.

    (PS: Glad you are giving the grandparents an opportunity to see DD)

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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