Losing it on my kid

countrymel · November 2013

I find myself getting more and more stressed with my 2 yr old daughter. I'm quick to anger and lose patience. I feel so utterly emotionally drained due to virtually no time to take care of myself. I'd love to "refresh my reserves", and I feel like they've been empty for so long. I have basically no support group. No grandparents are helping me, and my husband works constantly. When he finds me completely frustrated at the end of an entire day with my daughter, he rolls his eyes. Yesterday, I shook my daughter for a couple seconds before I realized I was losing it. I feel so terrible about it. She would not quit crawling on me while I was trying to pay bills. I don't know what I can do, but know I need to do something.

erbear · November 2013

you need to 1) get a break. Can you hire a mother's helper or something a few hours a few times a week? Get her in a daycare/preschool/MDO program?

2) get your husband to understand that you need support. Take a full day where you leave them alone.

3) talk to your dr. The shaking is a huge red flag, and sounds a bit like PPD that needs to be controlled NOW before you hurt her.

countrymel · November 2013

Actually, I work full time, so she's in daycare when I'm at work. But she's never in daycare outside of the hours I work. I'm already on anti-depressants and had them increased after my daughter was born. I can think of so many ways that my husband could be more emotionally supportive, which I think would help so much. I have made endless attempts to communicate this with him, but it never makes any difference. He will get up in the morning on weekends and leave to get his projects and interests taken care of. He will leave me with everything that actually NEEDS to be done, and expect me to get it done with our daughter hanging on my leg. My mother (who can't be depended on) tells me that I just need to accept that all men are like this. I can't accept that. I fight resentment everyday. My husband never has to feel exhausted by our child. He has no idea what my problem is. He won't even talk to me when I am stressed out by our child, because he says he feels frustrated by me.

erbear · November 2013

See, all men aren't like that. My husband sure isn't.

Take a weekend away. Go see friends and leave your husband and daughter together. He'll see that it's not all puppies and rainbows.

kristinadonovan · November 2013

I absolutely feel your pain, i am basically in the same situation. Husband just doesn't get it...why i can't magically maintain a perfectly clean house, laundry, dishes, and dinner on the table on a daily basis. My 2 1/2 year is constantly attached to my leg or wanting to be picked up just because, and crawling all over me and my tired, achey, pregnant body whenever I finally get a few minutes to sit down and relax on the couch. I would love to see him spend a week with just the two of them and see what condition the house is in afterwards haha

jllmb79 · November 2013

My 2 year old has been driving me crazy lately. I have been trying to get out more and happen to attend a parenting class last week. I could not hear everything the speaker was saying or give my full attention because my 8 month old was hanging all over me but the one thing I heard was "you need to re connect" with your toddler when they are miss behaving. She suggested lots of praise, complements and showing interactive interest in what they are doing.

I went over board with complements and really reconnecting with her and we had not time outs and a great day. I really slacked these last couple days but tomorrow is a new day and I will try harder.

You are not alone but you probably need outside help dealing with her

jlpev · November 2013

My son is driving me Crazy too!!! He will be 3 in January. He's become helpless & incredibly whiney!! He's not like this with anyone else. Just me! Dh can't relate since he doesn't do it with him. But if dh was with him constantly & the only break being when DS naps he might understand.
I think DS is jealous of DD (5 months old). He had been doing awesome since she was born.
I agree with getting a break. It helps recharge you however I dont take my advice very often. Dh works a ton!
Sorry for the long rant. You are not alone!!

TaraandRichforever · November 2013

Not all men are like that. My husband certainly isnt. He works full time and I stay at home with our 2 1/2 year old DD but when he is home he helps out a ton. He is with her all the time. We share responsibility of taking care of her equaly. He will take her to his parents one day on the weekend when he is off and let me sleep in and relax for like half the day. He also helps around the house with cleaning, laundry, etc. You need to talk to your husband and make him realize it is harder than it may look to care for a child and that he is also a parent and needs to share the responsibility for taking care of her. Do you have any friends that would be willing to come help you when he is at work? Or do you belong to a gym with a daycare that you can go to for a break?

beckslea · November 2013

I think the others have give you good advice. I just want to say that it's natural to get frustrated with your kid (especially since your H is not helping). Please please take a step back when you feel this way and walk away for a few minutes. It is better for her to cry and scream for a few minutes than to hurt her.

ashiscute · November 2013

Just want to reiterate what others are saying. The frustration is normal. My DH is a great help when he's home but during the day sometimes I just get so fed up between my 2yo and 1yo. Your DH should be helping more. Does he ever care for her 1 on 1? You need to schedule a Saturday morning for yourself and leave the two of them to duke it out. I'd also suggest a gym where you can leave her in their daycare. Or maybe like a gymnastics class or something. My DD does gymnastics and while I'm in the building and can see her I'm not in the class. I love it.

capulet · November 2013

erbear said:

See, all men aren't like that. My husband sure isn't.

Take a weekend away. Go see friends and leave your husband and daughter together. He'll see that it's not all puppies and rainbows.

This. For the most part DH appreciates all I do (and I'm a SAHM, so I have a lot more time to get it done), but if he ever forgets what it's like to be with the kids all the time, leaving him with them for a few hours takes care of that. We have an understanding that I can take that time for myself when I need it, which is usually for a few hours each weekend. This is what is best for me AND for the whole family. Plus, that's a lot of the quality time he spends with our kids. If your DH always prioritizes his interests over your DD when he's not working, that itself is problematic.

I agree with PPs that it is better to leave your DD for a minute and walk away when you get frustrated than to take out your anger on her. I have done it before, and should do it more often. And if your DH is home, you can just leave the house. I mean, it's not ideal just to walk out, but I've done it before for an hour or two when DH and/or the kids are driving me bonkers, and the house is still standing when I get back.

countrymel · November 2013

Thank you everybody for the responses! It sure does help to know that I'm not alone. I'm not exactly proud of my job as a mom sometimes, but sadly, I just reach my limit more quickly than some I guess. My husband was actually the one who convinced me to have our DD. I was more on the fence. I thought he'd be more involved. Now, I'd really like to have another child (based on my wishes for my family and biological clock), but I don't even know how I'd manage. I spent the first two years of DD's life breastfeeding her, with no supplementing. As a result, my husband NEVER got up in the night with her. I'm working my rear end into the ground raising a huge garden in the summer, canning produce, caring for a small farm, cooking large meals, and caring for my DD. It's just assumed that these are my default responsibilities at home. Of course, I'm also a full time high school history teacher! I have many hobbies and a strong sense of self, but have married a man oblivious to it all. I've quit washing his clothes lately. I think I'm giving up....I just don't want to give up.

erbear · November 2013

wait wait wait. You work full time too? You have bigger problems than a challenging 2 year old.

countrymel · November 2013

Yeah, I work full time. I don't know how anybody does all of this.

jlpev · November 2013

My dh has a deer lease & stays at the deer camp Friday night -sunday. I told him that I'm ok with it but during the week I need a hand with DS 2 almost 3 & DD 5 months. We have 10 acres with 2 horses & 2 labs with a garden, shop & a lot of woods that we are cleaning up. Ice storm a few years ago did a lot of damage & then a drought. Lovely Oklahoma weather. I will leave dh with the kids inside so I can tend to the garden, ride my horses or bath the dogs etc...
You really need to sit him down & have a come to Jesus mtg! You are busting your ass & deserve a break. 30 minutes could really help you!! Order pizza once a week!! Do something to make it easier for you. & you go get the pizza alone!!!
I'm a sahm but I understand. Yesterday between the kids napping schedule I only had 5 minutes to myself. Plus the are on the old time schedule so they are waking up at 5 am!!! Too early.
Just discuss this to your h. He needs to know how you feel. My dh reminds me constantly that he can't read my mind but if I need a break then I need to tell him.

countrymel · November 2013

You guys don't know how much I appreciate your advice. I've spent so much time beating myself up for my lack of ability (my opinion). I've been busting my ass and thinking it wasn't good enough. My husband and I are even in counseling, and things have improved somewhat. He use to get drunk and I'd have to go searching for him with baby in tow. He'd be laying in a field somewhere.....most of these are new issues that came about WHILE I was pregnant. At least he's responsible enough not to get drunk as much anymore. God....I'm an educated woman and can't believe I'm living like this.

ASmallWonder · November 2013

I feel you because I work FT and have a 3.5 year old and a 5 month old and more nights than not, DH isn't home until after they're in bed. You need to sit down with him and, without laying blame, just ask him to go over what needs to be done in the house to see what you guys might decide isn't as important or what things you might be able to trade off.

My DH can't help working late so sometimes there are just things he can't do - like make dinner, do baths and get them ready for bed. It's a struggle but we make it work. When he IS home (rare nights and definitely on the weekends) we are much more balanced.

Crystal318 · November 2013

Oh sweetie, I feel your pain! I am a full time single working mom with a three year old and I am about to go off the deep end!! I feel like I have "held it together" for too long and I am ready to snap! I yell at my son (I have never shook him but the urge has been there), I have broke down and cried my eyes out holding him , crying on his shoulder like he is a grown adult.(that is not normal and it is not okay) I have nobody around. Its hard and this age is so diffucult.

I finally broke down and went to the doc yesterday and got prescribed zoloft. I recoginize that I cant handle this on my own. I HATE medication but at this point, unless I want to have a nervous breakdown, I need to do this for my son. Without me, he has no one, his dad is on an off drugs all the time.

My advice to you is to walk away. I know its hard but I put him in his room and I go in my room and I cry and I throw things and that probably isnt the best way to handle it but as long as he doesnt see me having a breakdown, its what I have to do to survive.

I hope it gets easier. I really do. Just know your not alone with the way you feel. I promise.

Crystal318 · November 2013

countrymel said:

You guys don't know how much I appreciate your advice. I've spent so much time beating myself up for my lack of ability (my opinion). I've been busting my ass and thinking it wasn't good enough. My husband and I are even in counseling, and things have improved somewhat. He use to get drunk and I'd have to go searching for him with baby in tow. He'd be laying in a field somewhere.....most of these are new issues that came about WHILE I was pregnant. At least he's responsible enough not to get drunk as much anymore. God....I'm an educated woman and can't believe I'm living like this.

I just read this comment and you and I are a lot alike. I realized my ex was a drug addict while I was pregnant and its continued the past few years. I am an educated woman too and sometimes I ask myself the same question. How is this my life? But it is. And hopfully we will get through it and hopfully we can find hapiness. Having a two and/or three year is hard in itself never mind adding in the stress of work, substance abuse, not having much help, etc.

Do you live in GA? If so, we need to get together!!!

countrymel · November 2013

Gosh, I REALLY appreciate the support! And Crystal318- it'd be great to get together, but I live in Ohio. At least I know that there's someone else out there....

daniella2727 · November 2013

Ditto. You are not alone.

My husband is wonderful in many ways, but in a lot he falls in that traditional line of thinking that the wife does a majority of the child rearing and caring, AND I also work (about 75%, but a very demanding job).

He gets breaks all the time - even to just run errands. When I run errands, they come along (I have 2). He plays basketball twice a week etc. I have been losing it too bc my 8 month old won't SLEEP at night, has been sick and so has my 2 year-old. Yesterday they both napped at the same time and I felt so LIGHT, SO HAPPY. Usually when one is awake the other is sleeping.

You are not alone. I would add though, I have never shook my child but I have nastily raised my voice and always catch myself knowing it is wrong and I apologize - you should ensure to apologize to your child to so they know that behavior is wrong and you are sorry

CheezeFace · November 2013

So, first things first. It is so great that you recognized your reaction towards your daughter wasn't good and you are asking for help. That is HUGE. It really is. It takes an incredibly strong and loving parent to admit that they did something wrong and ask for help. I would very seriously consider asking for help from professionals. Even the smallest effort on your part will be able to bring down your stress level so you can have a clear and appropriate reaction when your DD is displaying what is completely normal 2yo behavior.

Second, my BFF was over last night. I rarely get to see her - we live about 75 miles apart. The minute my H came home my 2yo son went upstairs with him and the sounds of thundering elephants overhead ensued. Every afternoon they play together while my H changes out of his work clothes. It gives me a few minutes of time to myself, I can get dinner started, get some laundry done, open bottle of wine and check FB, whatever...etc…My BFF just stood there, amazed, and said to me that this was a "luxury" that she never had when her kids were little. Her H never spent one-on-one time with them.

This led to a discussion about marriage and roles, etc…I was shocked that she would see those few minutes as a luxury. 1.) My H genuinely enjoys that time with DS and 2.) Its his job, too!! not just taking care of DS but bonding with him, making DS feel important and valued. It's not just about H going out and earning money. I can do that by myself.

I agree with other posters. Have your H spend some one-on-one time with your daughter. But not to teach him a lesson. Spending time with his kid shouldn't be a punishment. He needs to bond with her and understand how tiresome and delightful and frustrating and joyful 2yos can be.

Not all men are like your H. They just aren't. Demand more from him.

Also, I'd like to be able to say that I never become frustrated by my 2yo son. That would be a huge lie. However, just try to keep in perspective that they don't understand time. They want what they want and they what it now. It sounds like your DD wanted your attention. When my DS does this I've noticed that if I stop what I'm doing, cuddle him for a second, give him a squeeze and tell him to get his trains or a book and we'll play when mommy is done that helps a lot. He toddles off and finds a book or whatever…and in the end, the world isn't going to cease to exist if I stop paying bills for a few minutes while I read a book a couple of times. It's hard when you are busy. I know. There is never enough time but your DD will only be this age for a little while. Hang in there

Sorry this is so long…

Ledabe · November 2013

CountryMel- Are we married to the same person?!?! No joke- YOU are not alone!!! hang in girl!!

ladylisalt · November 2013

Crystal318 said:

Oh sweetie, I feel your pain! I am a full time single working mom with a three year old and I am about to go off the deep end!! I feel like I have "held it together" for too long and I am ready to snap! I yell at my son (I have never shook him but the urge has been there), I have broke down and cried my eyes out holding him , crying on his shoulder like he is a grown adult.(that is not normal and it is not okay) I have nobody around. Its hard and this age is so diffucult.

I finally broke down and went to the doc yesterday and got prescribed zoloft. I recoginize that I cant handle this on my own. I HATE medication but at this point, unless I want to have a nervous breakdown, I need to do this for my son. Without me, he has no one, his dad is on an off drugs all the time.

My advice to you is to walk away. I know its hard but I put him in his room and I go in my room and I cry and I throw things and that probably isnt the best way to handle it but as long as he doesnt see me having a breakdown, its what I have to do to survive.

I hope it gets easier. I really do. Just know your not alone with the way you feel. I promise.

I give you so much credit being a single mom! Keep up the hard work-your son will love you to the end!

dande2129 · December 2013

erbear said:

See, all men aren't like that. My husband sure isn't.

This. And if he were, I don't know that I could continue a partnership with him.

Even with my husband being incredibly supportive and taking on much of the parenting, I still find myself incredibly frustrated with my toddler. You're not alone in that.

dande2129 · December 2013

countrymel said:

Gosh, I REALLY appreciate the support! And Crystal318- it'd be great to get together, but I live in Ohio. At least I know that there's someone else out there....

Also, I live in Ohio too

Crystal318 · December 2013

ladylisalt said:

Crystal318 said:

Oh sweetie, I feel your pain! I am a full time single working mom with a three year old and I am about to go off the deep end!! I feel like I have "held it together" for too long and I am ready to snap! I yell at my son (I have never shook him but the urge has been there), I have broke down and cried my eyes out holding him , crying on his shoulder like he is a grown adult.(that is not normal and it is not okay) I have nobody around. Its hard and this age is so diffucult.

I finally broke down and went to the doc yesterday and got prescribed zoloft. I recoginize that I cant handle this on my own. I HATE medication but at this point, unless I want to have a nervous breakdown, I need to do this for my son. Without me, he has no one, his dad is on an off drugs all the time.

My advice to you is to walk away. I know its hard but I put him in his room and I go in my room and I cry and I throw things and that probably isnt the best way to handle it but as long as he doesnt see me having a breakdown, its what I have to do to survive.

I hope it gets easier. I really do. Just know your not alone with the way you feel. I promise.
I give you so much credit being a single mom! Keep up the hard work-your son will love you to the end!

Thank you

Sometimes its nice to feel appreciated......even if its from a stranger on the internet!

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