TTC Friends?

mommabmb · November 2013

Anyone else with a friend or family member that's TTC and having trouble spending time with your family because of LO? H's sister was so upset at a family party today that she actually had to leave. I have no idea how to handle this... It's the holidays and I feel like she's avoiding family activities because of us! They have been TTC for 5 years, and aren't very open with their struggle so we haven't discussed it.

I guess I don't know what to do other than keep inviting her and trying to include her. We aren't very close but I feel like we are the reason they've isolated themselves and I feel a bit guilty about that.

Anyone have any suggestions or similar experiences?

WildRumpus · November 2013

Just keep offering, but don't be offended if they continue to turn you down. It's not quite the same, but my sister and I were due within a month of each other when I had my m/c. It was very, very hard to be around her after. I left their gender reveal in tears and struggled through her baby shower. Just try to be understanding, I know it can be hard and I'm sure might hurt your feelings a little, but she doesn't mean anything by it, I'm sure.

PB102012 · November 2013

Jill9288 said:
Just keep offering, but don't be offended if they continue to turn you down. It's not quite the same, but my sister and I were due within a month of each other when I had my m/c. It was very, very hard to be around her after. I left their gender reveal in tears and struggled through her baby shower. Just try to be understanding, I know it can be hard and I'm sure might hurt your feelings a little, but she doesn't mean anything by it, I'm sure.

This response is perfect. Everything Jill said.

mommabmb · November 2013

I guess my feelings aren't hurt (yet), I just really want things to continue like "normal" for her. But, since we have the family holiday parties at our house, I'm worried she won't include herself this year. I'm not sure if it's best to somehow reach out to her and really try to encourage her to come?

LokiLahve · November 2013

Everything Jill said.

In the 4 months dh and I were going through iui rounds it was difficult for me to interact with babies and even sad seeing them when we were out and about. I would have thoughts of "they are so adorable and I want one so bad and may not ever have that experience". We had been off bc for 4 years but only really tried the 6 months before we started iui...if your friend has been seriously trying for 5 years I can only imagine her feeling are even stronger then mine were.

Continue to try to include her for sure. If she brings it up you can offer your support but if they are private about the matter then don't try to force it. Just remember it's not your fault you have a LO and she doesn't...you don't have to feel bad about that. I'm not sure what other advise to give really...just don't treat her differently. If she is distant it's because she needs to be. The holidays may be particularly hard if she is thinking about things like family traditions she wants to have with a baby.

LokiLahve · November 2013

Oh, andplusalso @mommabmb your new soggy pics are ADORABLE!!!!

Millimeter · November 2013

I've been lurking since the very beginning and haven't had much to contribute, so 'hi!'

My husband and I tried for 3 years before I got pregnant with our twins. We went through 9 months of treatment before I got pregnant with them. I had a miscarriage prior to the twins and learned a few days later my SIL was due three days before I was. She didn't know we had a miscarriage or had even been trying, so it was a shock to her when she found out what was going on. Sometimes it's easier when others don't know the whole story.

For me, I was in a very very dark place during that time. We skipped all family functions and spent time with each other doing fun things. Some people are able to pull themselves together and put on a happy face, but I was unable to. As dani said--it is really hard trying to deal with the emotions.

I liked the fact that we were invited, but don't put too much pressure on her. I felt guilty for not going but it was the only way I was able to survive such a hard time.

TeacherMom210 · November 2013

Like many others, I agree with Jill.

I've gone through this with my sister. When we were expecting my sis seemed angry and really distant, but I didn't know why because I didn't know she had been TTC for a few years and was having fertility issues. I was glad when she finally told me, and I've been lucky that she's been amazing with DD even though she's still TTC.

CaliforniaDream87 · November 2013

Everything that @jill9288 said. She's fucking brilliant.

Don't beat yourself up @mommabmb. It's a struggle that a lot of people don't understand. She may not be able to handle being around your LO. There's nothing you can do to make it easier, it's her struggle. I would keep inviting her and if she declines try not to be offended.

RoosterMemphis · November 2013

It can be difficult for people TTC to be around babies when it's taking them an unfortunate amount of time. I've been there. In the 3 years in took us to conceive, I had many friends get pregnant and it was hard for me. I was happy for them, but had lots of jealousy and anger behind it. Why them and not us type of stuff. And it's not really something you want to talk about, especially to the new parents. Keep reaching out, but don't take it personal.

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