What is this? Full disclosure bc I don't know Any of you IRL

sfeebs13 · November 2013

A little about me. The last at least6-7 years I've been in community college.. I graduated EMT school, because a certified firefighter and worked in am emergency room for 4 years and wasn't sure if fire was my passion. I continued onto medic school but somehow in between working 7p-7a then class from 9p-4p was killing me. I had a "friend" and also a roommate. I had also recently lost my best friend to a drug overdose/Suicide... I ignored him for 2 weeks bc he was lying to me about his drug use. I can honestly say I do notre member the first I me. I remember my roommate... A 40 y/o alcoholic RN had recently gotten a Percocet Rx and I've suffered from insomnia my entire life so I would trade a lunesta for a perc. There's no need to go into too many Details just because it's embarrassing ande I'm not willing to disclose THAT much....

I'm feeling really bad about myself.. Now that I havea LO. FI does not make nearly enough money to cover our expenses. Let alone an infant. I can't start back to school til January. I don't know what my point is really except I feel like my dad is working his ass off at 60 something years old to support me, And FI mad my sister and here husband and 3 kids and DD. I HATE MYSELF.

Eta I love DD with all my heart but I really can't explain how I feel about t.... I don't feel capable. I feel like I can't even take care of myself.

mommabmb · November 2013

I can't exactly understand what you're trying to say. However, I hope you figure out what it is you're looking for. I can sense the pain amongst the words, so I hope you find peace. If sounds like you might need to talk to someone with more credentials than a group of Internet strangers, so I hope you have access to that, too.

CaliforniaDream87 · November 2013

Sounds like you made a mistake trading prescription drugs and that mistake is now preventing you from working. If I didn't get that right, sorry. It's really hard to read your post, which prevents any of us to be able to give any advice without understanding the full story. Nevertheless, I'm so sorry about your friend and I hope you find some type of comfort. Ditto @mommabmb regarding speaking with a professional.

coraggiosa · November 2013

@sfeebs13 I would try to help, but I honestly don't understand what you wrote.

Marvel1013 · November 2013

Talking to a professional would be the step in the right direction. If it's help you want then you need to take that leep. Your post was a bit confusing but I think I get the jist of it. Hope things get better for you

LEMSA · November 2013

Your post is hard to understand. I hope you are safe and have no thoughts of hurting yourself. If you need to step away from a situation to think, please find someone to watch LO while you figure it out.

I hope you find the help you need.

tdmklm · November 2013

Get help. Please. I'm getting a vibe here I really hate. Get help.

If you're considering suicide, please know it is the worst possible option, for you and everyone around you. It is HORRIBLE to lose someone to suicide. Actually, horrible doesn't even begin to describe it.

Get help, @sfeebs13. Do not try to navigate this alone. Get help right now.

TurtleMomma · November 2013

^^^^ Every damn word of what she just said

BabyE143 · November 2013

@sfeebs13 there are a lot of women on this board who have gotten to know you and genuinely care about your well being. It makes me sad to hear you talking about yourself in that way. YOU matter. Your life matters, no matter how difficult things may be or get, please remember that.

Revez · November 2013

Like @tdmklm, definitely not liking this vibe. Losing someone to depression/suicide is a terrible, terrible thing that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Please seek help if you are having issues with self hate. Although she can't express it, your daughter loves you and you are the world to her, no matter what you've done in the past. Your family loves you and cares for you. Please try to take care of yourself, you are capable of it even if you do need a little help.

MommyAmes2 · November 2013

You made a mistake in your past. You are a mom now, so you need to move past it. Be the best you can be now, for your LO.

If you are feeling depressed, please get help IRL. We can't do as much for you as a professional. Feel better soon.

sftbllstr87 · November 2013

MommyAmes2 said:
You made a mistake in your past. You are a mom now, so you need to move past it. Be the best you can be now, for your LO.

This! OP you have a beautiful baby that loves you unconditionally, that in itself is a reason to love life and be proud of yourself! Life can be a real mess, it takes time and baby steps to fix the past and make the best for your future! As mentioned please find a counselor, therapist, anyone in that field that can help you get to a happy and safe awareness.

BlondieBia21 · November 2013

I am not quite sure about all that I just read, but I want you to know that the mistakes you made- don't make you who you are now. These people would not be taking care of you if they didn't love you, simple as that. You have to let yourself let go of what you did and what went wrong in order to make room for things to go right. Do not feel like a bad mother, you are not. You are admitting there is an issue, and that's the first step. There is nothing to be embarrassed by admitting you're not super woman. Please try to find a professional to talk to. You are needed by your sweet baby, your fi, and your family. The pain you felt when your friend left this world, would be felt by all of them. If I can help you in anyway or you just need someone to listen, please send me a PM.

AprilRaine · November 2013

@sfeebs13- we all really like you and care about you on here. Please please reach out and talk to a professional IRL if you are feeling this way about yourself. I hope everything is okay & will keep you in my thoughts today.

sfeebs13 · November 2013

I guess it was a lot of jumbled thoughts put together.

I am getting help. I have been clean from prescription drugs since 2011.

I think I just feel overwhelmed and confused.. I feel like I lost myself a long time ago and I'm just not sure who I am anymore. I didn't intend for a pity party I guess I just needed to get a few things off my chest.

I feel stuck in my past I think and I just need to suck the shit up get over it and do better with my life and quit letting my past own me.

RoosterMemphis · November 2013

Whatever you are feeling now is temporary. Even though it feels permanent, IT IS TEMPORARY. I have made plenty of horrible, disgusting mistakes in my 31 years, and I've gotten through it. There are resources for people with drug and alcohol problems and people thinking of suicide. Please seek help immediately. I'm glad that you wrote something here, because it's a step in the right direction.

sfeebs13 · November 2013

CaliforniaDream87 said:

Sounds like you made a mistake trading prescription drugs and that mistake is now preventing you from working. If I didn't get that right, sorry. It's really hard to read your post, which prevents any of us to be able to give any advice without understanding the full story. Nevertheless, I'm so sorry about your friend and I hope you find some type of comfort. Ditto @mommabmb regarding speaking with a professional.

That was only the beginning. I was an opiate addict for several years.

I worry about how DD will feel when she finds out about this later in her life. How will I explain it to her? But I realize those things will come with time. I will figure them out.

LokiLahve · November 2013

Steph, I know you've been struggling for a while now and this post seems like things are getting more difficult and compounding. I know we've all received a great deal of support in this board but I strongly feel you need to reach out to someone IRL. A professional can help you navigate those feelings of helplessness and self doubt you are describing. It could be ppd or anxiety or some other type of depression, but the things you are saying here are not healthy and need to be addressed for you and your family.
I've seen your photos and other posts. I know you love Z with all your heart. Sometimes a momma just needs to focus on herself and find her balance. You're a great mom, you can do this, and it's ok if you need to reach out for help.

RoosterMemphis · November 2013

Sfeebs I'm sending you a PM

sfeebs13 · November 2013

10-4, ROOSTER, LO is stirring will be back to check shortly

coraggiosa · November 2013

sfeebs13 said:

I guess it was a lot of jumbled thoughts put together.
I am getting help. I have been clean from prescription drugs since 2011.
I think I just feel overwhelmed and confused.. I feel like I lost myself a long time ago and I'm just not sure who I am anymore. I didn't intend for a pity party I guess I just needed to get a few things off my chest.
I feel stuck in my past I think and I just need to suck the shit up get over it and do better with my life and quit letting my past own me.

Congratulations on being clean for 2 years! It is really an accomplishment. I really think you could benefit by talking this over with a therapist. It sounds like you are going through a lot of emotions, and therapy could really help you work through them. Regarding your worries about telling your daughter about your past - perhaps you could find a support group of former addicts? That might be beneficial to meet and get to know other people who have been clean for some time.

Lastly, know that we are here for you. I am glad you posted and reached out for help here.

Hugs

kanned0121 · November 2013

Oh @sfeebs I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. As others have mentioned, I don't quite understand your post, but its apparent you're having a hard time. PM me if you want to talk. I hope things get better for you soon!

PB102012 · November 2013

Like others said, I couldn't really understand too much of your post but I hope that you have someone you feel comfortable talking to in person. Please get help if you need if to feel better for yourself and for your family. You can do this.

Revez · November 2013

FWIW my dad was addicted to some pretty serious street drugs as a teen/young adult.
I have nothing but respect for him knowing all that he's been through and for becoming clean.
Your daughter will always love you no matter what.

sfeebs13 · November 2013

I dont know what to say ladies thank you for all of your advice and encouragement

tdmklm · November 2013

sfeebs13 said:
I dont know what to say ladies thank you for all of your advice and encouragement

You really don't need to say anything. Just make sure you're getting the help you need. Everything else will fall into place.

MommyBolty · November 2013

@sfeebs13 you have pm. ::hugs::

bluegirl0429 · November 2013

I wish I could help you but honestly, I couldn't understand your post. :-(

ashleyamberRN · November 2013

I'm late so there isn't much to say that others haven't but I wanted to chime in if that's ok. IMO I got a maniced vibe from your original post, flight of thoughts and being jumbled. My mom was bi polar and a drug addict. Your LO probably won't be mad at you or ashamed of your past if it's in the past. I still hold a lot of bad feelings to my mom because she continued on that path after I was born. My dad had full custody and my mom was a part time mom like many kids have part time dads. She died on an accidental OD mixing bi polar drugs and prescription pain meds when I was a freshman in high school.

Like others said, don't beat yourself up, you can't change the past but just get help and work hard to make an awesome future for you and LO! Good luck!

starshower22 · November 2013

Everyone makes mistakes and does things they aren't proud of. You are not alone! Your LO loves you and needs you, as do the rest of your family & friends. Seek professional help, talk to someone that you trust, vent to us, whatever support/help you need to get back on track. Sending you lots of hugs!!

PrimRoseMama · November 2013

Sending you love. It sounds like you are going through very tough times. We are here for you. Please keep reaching out.

emmaleigh05 · November 2013

Along the lines of what to tell LO, she will be proud that you chose the difficult road to recovery and are there for her. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

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What is this? Full disclosure bc I don't know Any of you IRL

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