Confirmation :(

AbbyM84 · November 2013

My boyfriend and I just got a confirmation on the 11th that our baby boy has a cleft lip on the right side and the doc says more then likely will also have a cleft palate. We are due around March 26th but from my latest measurements it is anywhere between the 22nd and 26th. This news has been a total shocker to us and I know I'm having a hard time processing all of the information given to us. I'm just so sad and confused on why this is happening to our sweet little baby. I think my family is all thinking that I'm only upset because that he is going to come out looking different then other babies but this isn't the case at all....he is perfect already in my eyes. The stuff I'm most upset about is knowing my baby will have to go through surgeries already at such a young age. And I know I've heard it already a million times..."At least he will be young and not remember." "Cleft lip/palate is so common and easy to be fixed." "Well, at least this is the only thing you have to deal with." Yup! I'm over all of that "nonsense" talk....I still feel like crap and like it was something I did wrong (I know I did nothing wrong) And all of the other complications that can come from this is sooooo overwhelming! Special feeding techniques that not only do I and bf have to learn, but teaching other caregivers, grandparents, aunts, uncles and anyone else wanting to help out. Just a lot to take in already at only 21 weeks in to the pregnancy and just more to come! Right now I'm just feeling so lost in all of the talk from the genetics team and then knowing not only will I be seeing my ob dr. on the regular basis but also added in appointments with the docs at the hospital as well (my work has already not been the most supportive when it comes to me having appts.) Along with the surgeries after he is born and hospital stays with that and follow up appts. I feel like my job might be in jeopardy after baby is born and I HAVE to work...there is no way around it.

LittlePigeon · November 2013

So sorry to hear this. Cannot imagine the stress you're going through. I really have no words of advice, but hang in there girl!

PerkyErky · November 2013

First big huge giant hugs! Second this is in no way your fault or something you caused.

You have learned that your baby is going to be dealing with a serious issue and you have every right to feel overwhelmed, concerned, worried, and stressed out. The comments about "at least this is all you have to deal with" or "it's common and easily fixed" are in no way helpful. It's ok to not be alright and to struggle with processing and dealing with this news and how it alters your plans.

I am also sorry work is only adding to the stress. Sending lots of good thoughts your way!

dannie2011 · November 2013

I'm so sorry that really is lot to process.

ellajune2012 · November 2013

((hugs)) I'm sure the folks saying he'll be okay are just trying to be helpful, but I can only imagine how stressful this is for you.

Can you find a support group of other mothers/parents who have gone through this already? Maybe your doctors or the hospital where the surgery will take place can point you in the right direction. It might help to talk to folks in the same circumstances, and get a real sense of what's needed and how you can schedule it around your work and other life circumstances and also how to cope with the anxiety and feelings that come up around it.

katykatykaty · November 2013

I'm so sorry to hear that. Thinking of you guys.

Nickiechan · November 2013

I am so sorry you and bf has to go through this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

bumpuser9058414 · November 2013

Big hugs to you. I think the people who are saying it's common and easy to fix are just trying to look on the bright side for you. My niece was born with cleft lip and palate and her case was pretty extreme. She did have trouble feeding and has gone through multiple surgeries but she is just fine and is a beautiful and smart 7 year old now. Make sure you get in with a great plastic surgeon early on. Sorry you are dealing with this and it is totally understandable to be upset/mad/whatever.

SmittyPants · November 2013

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hugs.

kelley72 · November 2013

Ts and Ps for you and your LO

VineyardMel · November 2013

Ugh--I'm so sorry. No mother wants to hear that her baby has issues that will require surgeries, etc. Your feelings are completely OK and normal. I find that most people have good intentions but get it wrong. I just saw a story a week or two ago about one of the Houston Texans' players whose son went through this and the mom talked about a support group and how much it helped her. Now I think they have a non-profit devoted to education and support. I can't remember his name but I bet you can find some info on Google. Good luck to you--I hope that the procedures are easier than you fear with no complications for your sweet boy.

ETA--here's a recent link I just found about their family from TODAY. I hope seeing their success on "the other side" might give you some encouragement for your journey ahead. https://www.today.com/video/today/53433653#53433653

angelsnight · November 2013

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Hearing that our babies might have to suffer or go through anything all, no matter how common or easy to fix it may be, is hard and stressful. I hope you can find support.

Missfunball · November 2013

Aww, hunny day at a time. You'll still love your bundle just as much and its understandable. At least you seem to have a smart head on those shoulders. Sometimes as much as we can rationalize it, doesn't make it any less scary, unknown or unfair.

Let it out.

Sounds like you are a wonderful mom already

legallyginger · November 2013

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible with his surgeries, and agree with pps that a support group would probably be a huge benefit to you.

Hugs!

aedillinger · November 2013

Huge hugs. Our godson was had both a cleft lip and palate and my best friend felt the same way. She was so racked with guilt that she had done something wrong and caused it. She knew deep down it wasn't true, but no mom wants to hear that their baby will have to go through any pain or difficulty. Their son is one now and all of his surgeries are complete. He is perfect and the happiest little man I have ever seen. I hope you have the same experience...

pattipants · November 2013

So sorry you are going through this. I agree that your emotions are very normal, and it's ok to feel the way you do. I'm so sorry your work has been unsupportive. I can image that makes all of this more difficult. Sending you hugs and T&P as you process all of this.

JKS21 · November 2013

I am sorry. I am sure it is normal what you are going through... in the end though, it WILL all work out. It may be a tough road, but someday you will look back at all of it and know you are stronger because of everything you all endured.

cdnmomma · November 2013

I'm so sorry. I would be upset as well for the same reasons. You and baby will get through it though. Sending you lots of strength and positive thoughts.

inlovewithrugby · November 2013

I'm sorry you have to go through this difficulty. Please, although it may be hard, take everything one day at a time and try not worry too much about everything at once or else things can be quite overwhelming. While your job is important, the health of your child is paramount! As others previously mentioned, others have gotten through this rough period and you will too. I have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and pray for strength for all of you.

This isn't in any way your fault!

huskymomma94 · November 2013

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know you have a million thoughts and concerns running through your head right now. I think BabyCenter has a cleft palate message board/group, maybe you would find it helpful to chat with other moms who have gone through the same thing.

BrideNamedMeg · November 2013

((hugs)) People say those things because they're trying to make you (or themselves) feel better, it's okay to tell them that it's not helping

When my SIL's son was diagnosed with severe food allergies EVERYONE was telling her "oh kids grow out of them", "at least he's not sick" etc. but the reality is is that not all kids grow out of them and his allergies are extremely serious. She had to talk to a few people about it so they'd stop trying to be so "supportive".

It's hard no matter what when things are 100% normal and you are entitled to your feelings. I'm sure there are support groups online where you can find other mom's who have gone through it. It might make you feel better to have a real life idea about what to expect.

BabiesFTW · November 2013

I'm so sorry. What you're feeling totally makes sense. I'm sure others just don't know what else to say and are trying up help but I'd probably feel the same as you about their words of "comfort."
Heck, I cried when my daughter got a "lazy eye." It's just hard to think of anything wrong with our sweet little babies.

Andreabills · November 2013

I have nothing to add that others haven't said before me, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you are going through this!

amholley1 · November 2013

Hugs & positive thoughts for you. Stay strong and I'm sure this will all work out in the end

Jmom10 · November 2013

Thoughts & prayers to you, baby and BF.

jennbaylor12 · November 2013

I'm so sorry - tons of t&p headed your way!!

ndpoole · November 2013

Oh my! ((((HUGS)))) You and your little one will be in my prayers. Stay strong and try to be positive.

DaisyJane11 · November 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this. The BS words of "support" are so annoying. Time away from work is so stressful too, and so many people just don't understand that. I am sorry you are having this added stress too.

I am sure you have been bombarded with info, and if you you don't want to hear anymore, just ignore the rest of this post and tell me to FO. I am a surgical resident and am on a surgery team that provides care for patients with cleft lip/cleft palate. I work with a group of healthcare providers including plastic surgeons, oral surgeons, dentists, orthodontists, speech pathologists, occupational therapists, nurses, and dieticians who coordinate care for kids from birth to adulthood. We meet each month to evaluate and discuss the patients on our team so that each child gets the specialized care they need when they need it. I can tell you from professional experience that it is a long road ahead, but I just want you to also know that there are teams of people who dedicate their lives to treating and caring for kids with CL/CP. I hope you can find a CL/CP team in your area to be there for you every step of the way.

jazzyexpo · November 2013

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Thoughts and prayers for you and LO.

babylimas · November 2013

I'm sorry you are dealing with this! It's so stressful.

At the same time, I relate more with the other people. Try not to get upset with them. I have just found out my baby has a significant congenital defect requiring surgery at birth, and I will have to stop working. It's terrifying, but the only way to get through for me is to be positive. It's not a negative thing until it actually is. I can't handle the opposite where people try to give you sympathy and make a big deal.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm really really sorry you are dealing with this. I hope the palate isn't affected or is minor. You are a good strong mama and I know you will do everything necessary to take care of your baby. Best of luck with it all!

dedeyoba · November 2013

I'm sorry you guys are going brought this. Give yourself an opportunity to process everything.

totalbabydoll4ever · November 2013

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your feelings are totally normal, no parent wants to have to deal with anything wrong with their child no matter how little. Your feelings are justified. *hugs* Hang in there, everything will turn out in the end.

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